QUESTION: Who Do You Have Left To Come Out To?

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Who Do You Have Left To Come Out To?

Today is National Coming Out Day, when LGBT people are encouraged to step out of the closet and share their true, essential selves with the world.

If you’re a Queerty reader, chances are you’re out to someone—even if it’s just yourself. So rather than prattle on, we’re just going to ask point blank: Who are you not out to and why?

We’re not throwing shade—each coming out carries its own unique set of baggage, whether it’s your parents, a co-worker or the guy at the deli that’s always trying to set you up with his cousin.

Share your story in the comments section below.


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  • tdx3fan

    I was just wondering who I had left to come out to. Other than a few of my clients at work who do not know because it would negatively affect their mental health (I work at behavioral nursing home and some of our residents are hyper religious) every knows. I have no clue who does not know at this point.

  • Shane

    The only people I have yet to come out to are future acquaintances and friends. I decided a few years ago to just OWN my sexuality because it’s nothing to be ashamed of, in fact, our differences are to be celebrated.

    If anyone in my life doesn’t approve, then that’s THEIR problem, NOT mine. I look at my coming out to people as a test. If they pass, they get the privilege of being part of my life. If they flunk, I have no time or tolerance for them.

    I think anybody who is considering coming out needs to feel empowered because we teach people how to treat us. NEVER give your power away and 99% of the time, nobody has a problem with it.

  • burtsfield

    My boyfriend tells me that there may be an isolated tribe in the Amazon jungle that is unaware.

    On another note, I came out at my 40th high school reunion. (Yes, I am that old) Biggest non-event ever.

  • Little-Kiwi

    i have an idea – use today to Come Out to those peopel you’re still being evasive, vague, or “selective” with.

    why? because you’re a grown adult and by coming out to them you will make things easier for the GAY PEOPLE in that persons’ life. because that’s the reality. my coming out to my family went so well because other gay men and women had, in the years before, made it their business to be Out to people that included my parents. so my parents already knew gay people and had no reason to be upset or confused by having a gay son.

    we adults have a responsibility to open the doors for the next generations.

    maybe this will help show you how ;-)


  • zaneymcbanes

    My grandparents in Alabama. I don’t see them that often and it’s just not worth the noise it would cause to come out with them.

  • Shane

    @Little-Kiwi: Perfectly said! There is strength in numbers!

  • DieSauRui

    My grandfather in México DF is the only one of my family members I have yet to spread the wonderful news to. He isn’t a bad man, but he’s already 85 and my last living grandparent. He’s ex-military and has especially rigid views on how men are supposed to behave, even among Latinos. His own brother is gay, and to this day they don’t really talk. I’m kind of in the same boat as @zaneymcbanes… it’s just not worth the hassle.

    Aside from that, I work in Spanish language advertising so we work with a lot of new faces for different projects; freelancers, directors, production staff. Everyone always just assumes I’m straight, no matter how many times I throw the word ‘esposo’ (‘esposo’-husband, vs. ‘esposa’- wife) around in casual conversation. I think it’s easier for them to assume I’m pronouncing the word wrong. Sometimes it’s fun to see how long it takes them to figure out. I’m not incredibly masculine either, but working in the creative department I suppose gives me a little leeway when it comes to people’s assumptions.

  • The Real Mike in Asheville

    @Shane: Certainly, I fully agree with your statement.

    A small, but important note: you wrote: “If they pass, they get the privilege of being part of my life. If they flunk, I have no time or tolerance for them.”

    The “no … tolerance” part isn’t quite right; unless you take a gun/knife/baseball bat sending the twat to the hospital or coroner. You are, actually, being tolerant, ignoring them and going about your business/life.

    I used the “but important” as many of the bigoted wackos claim our side asks for tolerance for ourselves — which we do — but fail to return tolerance for their religious beliefs — which we do not. We do not advocate depriving others of their right to be a dickwad homophobic asshole bigot.

  • tlezfemme

    I’m very open about being a polyamorous pansexual transwoman who is Wiccan. I share openly that I’m a depression & PTSD survivor & that I self harm. I share that I’m a spousal abuse survivor even though when I was no one believed me because of their perception of my gender & that of the woman I was married to. I don’t think that there is anyone who knows me or knows of me wouldn’t have heard those things. For me it’s not a matter of who but rather what I have left to come out as. I’m very open about my marginalized identities.
    Possibly you could say that I’m in the closet about where I fall on the kink spectrum but that is only because I don’t feel that it’s necessary to share that until I’m close enough to someone that it could be something that we would do. The same for my pre or post op status. That really isn’t anyone’s business who isn’t going to be intimate with me… That isn’t in the closet though it is just rude to be asked that.

  • Ash

    When I came out six years ago, I did so with the mindset that I was not going to continue to hide. Since then I have met a ton of people whom I have come to love and respect and each of them knows I’m a Lesbian. Living in the South it is hard to be out to every single person you know, but I am. I am out to my entire family, although we don’t talk about it, and to all of my coworkers as well. I can’t imagine having to live a life in which I pick and choose who knows :)

  • Shane

    @The Real Mike in Asheville: Yes, I agree. I should have worded it differently. Tolerance definitely is a must, for sure! :)

  • darkmoonman

    I’ve been out since 1980 to everyone except friends- and acquaintances-to-be.

  • Mark Jenkins

    Anyone who knows me and doesn’t know is either very non-observant,or in complete denial! My screenname is Slingghog-That pretty much sums it up! A note to those who aren’t out- yet…Like the folks above have said… it’s the most liberating thing to be honest to yourself and others- suddenly you don’t feel like you have to hide anything any more. And if they don’t like you and your lifestyle, that’s THEIR problem, not yours. However,I do beleive that maybe aging relatives who should still love you regardless, but would find the information disturbing- don’t need to know.

  • Ruhlmann

    Santa Clause.

  • Freddie27

    Have not come out to any of my grandparents. They’re all in their 80’s and from a different generation. They will be dead soon and I would rather have a hassle, trauma-free relationship with them while they’re living.


    I’m waiting for just the right moment to break it to my boyfriend. He doesn’t have a clue… ;)


    I’m waiting for just the right moment to break the news to my boyfriend. He doesn’t have a clue… ;)

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