R.E.M. Breaks Up Because Of Michael Stipe’s Penis

We’re totally just kidding. The band R.E.M. did break up, but it had nothing to do with Michael Stipe’s penis.

On the band’s blog, Stipe mentioned something very Oscar Wilde—”the skill in attending a party is knowing when it’s time to leave—but the actual reason for the breakup came from bassist Mike Mills:

“During our last tour, and while making Collapse Into Now and putting together this greatest hits retrospective, we started asking ourselves, ‘what next’? Working through our music and memories from over three decades was a hell of a journey. We realized that these songs seemed to draw a natural line under the last 31 years of our working together.

“We have always been a band in the truest sense of the word. Brothers who truly love, and respect, each other. We feel kind of like pioneers in this–there’s no disharmony here, no falling-outs, no lawyers squaring-off. We’ve made this decision together, amicably and with each other’s best interests at heart. The time just feels right.”

Yay! 31 years, 15 albums, and an induction in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Let’s call it a day. Now we can all go home, put on “Everybody Hurts,” hold ourselves while we cry gently into our pillows.

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  • Brad

    Michael, all I ask is that you fulfill my lifelong wish and let me lick your bald head! REM has been my favorite band for 29 years. I will be in mourning for years!!!

  • Little Kiwi

    thanks for the music, boys!

    may kenneth inform you of the frequency.

  • ewe

    Doesn’t anyone else see his artistic display reflecting the webcam world of jerkin off? That’s all it was i think. Day ater day after day. Exposing himself was his own artistic hit on the times.

  • Allen D.

    What kind of “news” site posts “totally just kidding” after a headline? That’s fucking dumb. It’s totally plausible that the picture pissed off the rest of the band to the point of wanting to call it quits.

    Just dumb, Queerty. Just plain dumb.

  • Jack E. Jett

    Wow…I thought they would go on forever.

    That headline and the just kidding just confirms all the complaints I have heard and read about Queerty. Playing wolf with your readers is idiotic.

  • verybookish

    It feels like the death of a friend. R.E.M. has been my favorite band since I heard Document when I was 14. They were the first concert I ever went to. 23 years later, it’s hard to imagine no new music from them.

  • Cam


    Yes, just like Charlie Sheen was making a statement on the devaluation of women through prostitution.

  • Joe

    Very, very sad day.

  • Eminent Victorian

    The band was together 31 years–they didn’t have 31 albums, Queerty. Sheesh–bother to even read the snippets you swipe & post as your own?

  • ewe

    @Cam: Charlie Sheen is the privileged child of a well known actor who was given everything in life without working for it. He cannot be compared to an artist like Michael Stipes. Please do not compare the two.

  • Cam Langdon

    What a cock up!

  • Hephaestion

    Bands are for the young. Over 50, it is better to perform alone if you wish to remain a performer. Michael Stipe is a genius so I suspect he will continue to create in some manner. Bravo to them all!

Comments are closed.