R.E.M. Breaks Up Because Of Michael Stipe’s Penis

We’re totally just kidding. The band R.E.M. did break up, but it had nothing to do with Michael Stipe’s penis.

On the band’s blog, Stipe mentioned something very Oscar Wilde—”the skill in attending a party is knowing when it’s time to leave—but the actual reason for the breakup came from bassist Mike Mills:

“During our last tour, and while making Collapse Into Now and putting together this greatest hits retrospective, we started asking ourselves, ‘what next’? Working through our music and memories from over three decades was a hell of a journey. We realized that these songs seemed to draw a natural line under the last 31 years of our working together.

“We have always been a band in the truest sense of the word. Brothers who truly love, and respect, each other. We feel kind of like pioneers in this–there’s no disharmony here, no falling-outs, no lawyers squaring-off. We’ve made this decision together, amicably and with each other’s best interests at heart. The time just feels right.”

Yay! 31 years, 15 albums, and an induction in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Let’s call it a day. Now we can all go home, put on “Everybody Hurts,” hold ourselves while we cry gently into our pillows.