Desire and identity are two things that are often linked but don’t always have to go hand-in-hand. At least according to Robert Burriss, Ph.D.
Burriss is an evolutionary psychologist who studies human attraction and teaches at Basel University. In a new piece published by Psychology Today, he explains the difference between desire and identity.
“A person can identify as straight but still desire or engage in sexual contact with persons of the same gender,” he writes.
He points to a recent study by Arielle Kuperberg of the University of North Carolina and Alicia Walker of Missouri State University, which looked at the sexual encounters of college students.
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The study was conducted over the course of six years and surveyed about 24,000 adults. Of that 24,000, around 800 reported that their most recent hookup was with someone of the same gender.
Of those 800, 96 (12%) were straight-identifying men who engaged in gay hookups, and 2oo (25%) were straight-identifying women who engaged in lesbian hookups. It may not a huge number, but it’s certainly not insignificant either.
Digging even deeper into the study, researchers observed:
- Of the 800, 29% said they had engaged in at least one same-sex experience before.
- 22% said it was their first gay experience, and of that 22%, 70% said alcohol played a factor in the hookup.
- 12% of women and 7% said they regularly attended religious services.
- 9% said they didn’t enjoy the hookup.
Burriss says the study is helpful in understanding why people might engage in gay sex yet still identify as heterosexual, again going back to that idea of desire versus identity.
“Some are likely to be enacting social scripts and conforming to expected behavior,” he writes. “Others are likely to be exploring their sexuality and are either unwilling to adjust their identity to match their behavior, or feel that that their behavior does not fit within their identity.”
He continues, “The majority of these students are unlikely to be ‘closeted’ or secretly gay. Some will no doubt transition to a gay, lesbian, or bisexual identity, but others will continue to identify as straight.”
Burriss says further research tracking the college students into the next phases of their lives is now needed to get a more complete understanding of what impact desire plays on a person’s longterm identity.
Related: Straight guys absolutely cannot stop having gay sex, study finds
surreal33
There is zero mystery here…Men since the beginning of time have enjoyed getting their dicks sucked without drama. End of story.
Donston
There are plenty of guys who enjoy bottoming, sucking dick and/or making out with dudes who still say they’re straight.
ashersea
But not topping?
Xzamilloh
Gee, I wonder who wrote this lol
cumaka554
Gee, I wonder who wrote this lol
thisisnotreal
“A person can identify as straight but still desire or engage in sexual contact with persons of the same gender,” ok you lost me there. I identify as gay and I suppose it’s possible that I could one day get drunk enough to the point where I do something with a woman but it is never something I would DESIRE to do, desire and sexuality are one in the same to me.
If your a straight guy who hooks up with another dude out of curiosity or because alcohol was involved then sure you could chock it up to experimentation or being drunk. But if your brain is DESIRING same sex hookups then no your less than hetero in my book. Gay men don’t desire to hookup with women because they are gay, it may happen from time to time but not because they desired it. As soon as you brain starts desiring something sexual then I feel like your no longer part of a select group that you claim to be from and your veering into what your true identity actually is.
CarlIsle
I’m guessing whoever wrote this used “desire” to mean “so horny that any warm body will do”. Either way, I agree with you. If a guy lusts after another man, how he identifies is irrelevant and it comes down to denial. I’ve never desired a woman but I imagine in another time and place I would probably have married a woman because of societal pressures and identified as a straight man but I would still have been a gay man at heart.
Paco
We don’t need a study to tell us that the closet exists.
There should be a study that tries to explain why it is so easy for humans to twist reality to make themselves feel more comfortable. If you have a desire for sexual activity with your same sex that you pursue and enjoy, then you aren’t straight no matter what mental gymnastics you perform to make yourself feel better about it.
These studies ask the wrong questions and need to focus on the cognitive dissonance these “straight” men are experiencing.
Ultimately, I think in the minds of these men, gay only equals big flaming queen.
Kieran
Well said. One wonders how many men refuse to consider identifying as gay or bisexual because of the culture’s pervasive, negative stereotypes of male homosexuality. Those stereotypes are designed for one purpose. To shame and belittle those who don’t conform to heterosexuality.
Donston
Yes, I have heard men say that they’re not “gay” because they’re not fem, don’t listen to Lady Gaga, don’t know anything abou fashion, don’t hate women, are not into drugs and partying, etc. So, wanting to avoid stereotypes, internalized homophobia, gay shame, etc. can weigh a lot on how people perceive themselves and how they wish to be perceived by others. I also think many people just don’t take sex that seriously. It’s just not something they feel they need to make a big statement about or have to embrace a new identity over. I am gay-identifying, yet I have enjoyed sex with women and still have some attraction to them. I just don’t place that much importance on sexual behaviors or attractions as many others. It’s not close to being the be-all for me.
Furthermore, as much as people think that it’s all about sex (or in some cases money) when it comes to closeted guys who live a “mostly straight life” but like to hook up with dudes on occasion, that’s frequently not the case. There’s a decent amount of men who are more immediately turned on by women but have romantic passions and general contentment that is more with their gender and who simply prefer same-sex embrace, bonding, attention and romantic affection. Those are the more problematic closet cases imo and those are the ones that tend to struggle the hardest.
Josh447
Paco and kieren,
I could not agree more. This is why I’ve always pushed a less laughable form of gay guy to get on the media, which is definitely happening. Straight people like to laugh at gay people like we are a punchline. Just recently has our representation felt more depth with movies TV etc.
But someone not wanting the gay label due to drag queens trans and barely clothed dudes on motorcycles at Pride events being flashed around the world, I get it. They have a very good point. Who’d want to be attached to that, they might say. I’ve always felt the gay community has the worst PR machine in the world. It seems we’ve done so well at pushing the envelope without looking at the consequences. Just including trans in our moniker takes us one more peg into the thick forest of hate, when media had already done a great job of us placing us there.
“I’m straight and I love sex with guys, but I don’t relate at all to the”gay lifestyle”.” Yup makes alot of sense to me.
Donston
Josh447, I also get it. The problem is trying to avoid stereotypes or avoid being dehumanized or avoid being emasulated can lead to toxic masculinity and general hatred or resentment towards others who are in the least bit stereotypical. It can be a difficult balance when it comes to wanting to undermine stereotypes and not wanting people to make immediate assumptions about you but also being a decent and accepting person. This is part of the reason that we need to accept that everyone is different and therefore you can be honest about yourself without having to worry so much about avoiding stereotypes and assumptions.
On the other end, there are many people who desperately attach themselves to “queerness”, but they don’t have much of any passions and romantic interests beyond their opposite cis gender. They are more into the stereotypes of the “gay lifestyle” than anything else. We also need to be aware that there are men who “love” gay sex but just don’t like guys all like that. Their behavior is less driven by passion, romantic instincts, emotional bonding and/or sexual fulfillment is more about liking to feel different things or liking to dominate different people or be dominated by different people. It’s more the action and sensation that they’re into than the actual person.
As usual, this issue is more complicated and convoluted than many give it credit for.
Josh447
Donston, your grammar and writing style is confusing. Despots attach to queerness but only like opposite sex? Guys like gay sex but don’t like guys all like that? Don’t get it.
Guys don’t go hyper masculine bc they don’t want to put on a dress or run almost naked at a pride festival, that’s just not happening. They just think it’s stupid and move on, no tension, no stigma, just not their cup of tea, like straight guys.
Donston
There were a few typos in the post. But I’m fairly sure you understood exactly what I was saying.
And yes, there are plenty of men who are openly gay-identifying and resent guys who show any type of femininity. Some of what our “culture” pushes is just buffoonery and narcissism. But there are plenty of guys who simply hate on anything a gay-identifying man does that’s attached to conventional femininity. On the other hand, a lot of those closeted dudes love femboys or drag queens or over-the-top bitchy drama queens, or they’re into trans women as well as dudes. There are some men who find it easier to express being sexually into dudes than admitting that they have strong same-sex romantic and emotional passions and bonding, because they think that would be “too gay” or sissy-like compared to merely admitting liking to suck dick. There are men who go “hyper masculine” because they resent their own feminine traits and want to distance themselves from them. So, toxic masculinity is an issue in its own right.
Internalized homophobia, coming out, self-understanding, self-acceptance, self-comfort, self-identity: these things represet a more complicated and a more convoluted issue than merely not wanting people to think you like wearing dresses, which is starting to be less and less of an issue frankly. It would be nice if people stop using such nonsense as the primary reason gay/homo-dominant/homo-leaning men stay closeted. Everybody is different, and everyone has their own reasons for doing what they do. There’s not a one-note answer to any of this.
Donston
Furthermore, Josh, there are some guys who don’t want to embrace “gay” because they feel too many gay-identifying men are anti-trans, anti female, anti bi behavior and/or are obsessed with masculinity and place it on a pedastal. So, what you’re saying isn’t really helping on that front.
As I’ve already stated, looking beyond identity and sociology is the important next step for the “queer community” and is the main thing to actually getting more people to be legit honest and more comfortable.
Josh447
Donston,
I know there is a vast spectrum of all that is, but trying to categorize it all and comment on every form of like and dislike is exasperating and draining. I don’t think you’re going to get anyone in your train about this, it’s too vast and intricate to make a matrix of it that everyone is going to get behind.
The main underlying point I think you may be trying to make is that toxic polarizing is a problem. That’s about all I’m interested in signing off on if that makes sense. Otherwise as has been said many times, the devil is in the details. And you’re in the thick of it which makes you hard to understand at times. People simply don’t want to go there.
Donston
I’m aware that a lot of what I bring up leaves people feeling like they “don’t want to go there”. Too convoluted, too dark, doesn’t perfectly fit anyone agenda or narrative, etc. Nonetheless, not going there isn’t really helping us understand ourselves and one another more nor is it helping people be more accepting of each other.
My point concerning you is that pawning things off on the fems, drama queens and trans people isn’t fair or helpful either.
enlightenone
Hello, my phantom friend! I can ALWAYS depend on you to speak for “both of us!” That said, if I may, respectfully, take one step back and say, if you DESIRE the (in this case) same sex, whether you act on it or not, in clinical terms it would be voluntary suppression/inner conflict due to…, you are (in this case) not “straight”/heterosexual. The non-clinical word that comes to mind is “Bent!” Always appreciate your THOUGHTFUL comments and measured words.
Cumin
Damn Doston say it louder for those in the back!
Josh447
Donston,
In many of your comments you lump several highly important subjects into one paragraph and it tends to create an overwhelm. If you pick one out of those several and elaborated on it so it specifically could be commented on without the overload, then you might get more of a response. In this case where so many subjects might be highly charged with emotion for many, one bite at a time might be very helpful.
Many are overwhelmed with sexual orientation labels, trans, fems, drag queens bad gay PR etc that it is not only the straights that yell it’s too fast too much in their face, it’s gay people too.
One issue at a time is how good therapy can take hold. And I think meeting face to face with those that hang you up is a great way to defuse discrimination.
The media however, tends to pile it on all at once which gives little chance for integration. Be that as it may, it’s a huge task to accept everything at once, though it looks like that’s the Soup De Jour. The effect can be to simply ignore it as it’s just too much for the already fast paced life of the everyday human, unfortunately.
Cumin
*Donston
Donston
Your way of looking at things can be really singular, which is just as problematic. You don’t want to be “lumped in”, cool. But everything connects in some way or another. Talfking about one issue tends to open up several others, because this is all complicated stuff.
To keep it one issue at a time: blaming effeminate men, drama queens, drag queens, trans people, people who are non-binary identifying, etc. for other people not wanting to come out doesn’t make sense. Can stereotypes or not wanting to be associated with certain things play a role in people’s self-identity? Sure. But you have guys who are effeminate or semi-effeminate, who have many gay friends, who love Beyonce, and they still say they’re straight. You have guys who will tell everyone that they like hooking up with dudes sometimes but will also say that they’re straight or “mostly straight” or fluid or don’t care for labels. So, clearly what you’re saying is not all there is.
Beyond being emasculating, a lot of men see “gayness” as equating to hopelessness, to not wanting a family, to loving partying and drugs, to being okay with living on the outskirts of society. Religion and religious guilt can also play a factor. Some people are still dealing with past traumas and bad patterns. Some guys just don’t have substantial and persistent romantic and emotional connection and contentment to your gender no matter how much you may be into them sexually. And some dudes just like sucking dick sometimes or getting head sometimes, and that’s all there is. While some get off on the “excitement” of being closeted and living a subversive or secretive life
Everybody is different. And a lot of people are driven by a lot of different things. For many it’s not nearly as simple as “I don’t want to be seen as a sissy”. So, putting the blame directly and almost entirely on those “sissies” and “punks” doesn’t help them nor you.
Josh447
I’m not blaming, I’m observing and giving my two cents.
You seem to have an obsession with people being dishonest from your point of view. I would submit that that is an issue that goes way way back for you. Hence you build straw men in many forms. Illusions that suck you in, to a disquieting internal drama.
Resolve is the key. That is a singular individual choice to do so, and is best done one bite at a time. Judgements / complaints are where one can start. They are the rally of red flags we refuse to acknowledge right in front of our own faces.
Donston
You have attempted on multiple occasions (beyond this article) to blame effeminate men, queers, “sissies”, trans people, non-binary people, etc. for why men don’t want to come out. You seem to have an issue with those types of people and are desperate for gayness to not be associated with them in any type of way. I am acknowledging that for some not wanting to come out or be associated with gayness can be about about wanting to be associated with certain types of people or certain aspects of gay or “queer” culture. But I am also acknowledging that sense of self, orientation and the reasons people do what they do and identify as whatever they identify as are often much more varied and individual. You can’t whittle it down to one factor or blame most things on certain groups, which you have attempted to do quite a few times.
Josh447
“You have attempted on multiple occasions (beyond this article) to blame effeminate men, queers, “sissies”, trans people, non-binary people, etc. for why men don’t want to come out.”
As I said before, it’s not blame it’s observation. You even said “I get it” earlier on. The concept of which I am not a part, is real. Because these scenes exist does not mean I am for our against them. Human nature will do what it does. And I will continue to see all sides as valid and understandable at any stage of someone’s evolution and not judge anyone for their place in life, even if it doesn’t fit with my framework of reality. I’m “live and let live”.
I suggest your distrust issue makes you see things incorrectly at times like you have here. Best to you with resolving that.
mr guy
Well “Identity” is factually baseless and worse than useless I determine the reality of anything, whether that be a voice inside your head telling you your “real” gender different from your biological sex, to people with the most extreme murderous ideologies identifying as “good people”. It’s a belief system not science and not amenable to testing and refutation
enlightenone
Keeping it 100!
PinkoOfTheGange
I liked it when labels were baad (sic)
Donston
Yes, we can talk about homophobia, internalized homophobia, sociology and living in a hetero-normal society with hetero-normal pressures and how those things can greatly influence identity and sense of self. However, I’ve been over caring about an individual’s identity for a long time. No matter behavior or “lifestyle”, most people are bi in some way or another, to some capacity or another. Everybody is different. Everyone has been through different things and have different circumstances. Everyone is motivated by different stuff. And no one has the exact same type and rate of behaviors, attractions, arousals, desires, sexual enjoyment, sexual fulfillment, romantic passions, romantic fulfillment, emotional comfort/contentment. So, why do we still continue to put so weight on identity and so much pressure on each other? And if a dude doesn’t want to legit be with someone that’s not the opposite cis gender then why is there so much desperation to get them to join the “queer community”? Honestly, the stranglehold and weight that identity has does as much harm as good, leading to many people not being completely about with themselves and others about their struggles, dimensions and what they wants and thus hiding behind identity or lifestyle. It would also be nice to get a “study” that’s not focused on hetero identifying and/or mostly hetero-living dudes, as there are plenty of men who have had relationships with females, have had sex with females, still have some sex with women, still have some attractions or affections towards females, etc. yet are gay-identifying. How about a “study” on them?
Donston
Also, there’s too much obsession with sex, other people’s sexual behaviors and sexual attractions. It’s a societal problem. But I do feel it’s something that drives the “queer community” too much. Even when it comes to closeted celebs all I’ve ever cared about was whether someone felt pressure (internal or external) to stay closeted and whether someone hides serious long-term relationships due to shame or how they will be perceived by the public or industry.
Mick406
Donston
I really, really like your analysis here. I have had questions about OTHER people who have come into my life, sharing sex . . . things that have bothered me for years.
Two true stories. Please help me find some kind of answer for these two individuals. What are they? Why did they do these things? What happens to people to change them?
Case #1. A handsome 6′ 1″ young man 10 years younger than me started sharing sex with me. It was pretty much mutua . . . things done to each otherl. He was an athlete and very popular with the girls. But when he came to visit with me and got in my bed, he was extremely turned on by what we were doing. We had an off and on relationship for nearly 15 years. At times, very intensive. Even after he got married and had two little boys, he would come to me every so many months and ask me to take a trip with him so we could be together and shack up. I thought this would be a life-time thing. Then, one day out of the blue, I called him to ask him if he would like to visit the next weekend and he told me ‘no’ in a very snarky voice and proceeded to tell me I had corrupted his life and that he only wanted to (in his very Southern drawl voice) “. . . be with my whife!” Long “i”. He said I was sinful. I haven’t seen him since that day. Religion may have played a part in this.
Case #2. This time an extremely good looking, 6′ 2″ half Mexican half Italian, gorgeous young man came onto me. He lived close by. He was also 40 years younger than me! One day, out of the clear blue sky, I got a phone call from him and he wanted to know if anyone else was at my house because he wanted to come over. I could hear his heart beating on the phone! As soon as he walked in the house he said, “I just want to ask you if you think your dick is bigger than mine, because I bet you wouldn’t think someone as young as me would have a big one? Wanna compare?” I was shocked but responded with no words but, “OK.” He quickly unzipped his pants and pulled out this huge dong and said, “See! I told you I was bigger than you! Now, let me see what you’ve got!” He was very sure he was larger than me, and he WAS! He stood there with his dick out and looking at mine and said, “Is that all you’ve got?! Haaaa!”
The next day he phoned me and asked me to meet him in a back field near our houses. I got there and he immediately blurted out, “You wanna jack off with me?” And next thing you know, he was wailing away on it. This went on for seven or so years and we drew very, very close together. He was constantly telling me he loved me. We took a lot of trips together and when in the motel room, he would just start pumping away and then ask me to do it to him. He never once touched ME. He was always excited and almost shaking he wanted to do those things so badly. He had girlfriends, and one night I just asked him how long was our relationship going to go on. He said, “I don’t know. Maybe for a long, long time. I just know I NEED this! I love it all as much as you do!” But, just like in case #1, one day he phoned me to tell me he didn’t want to ever see me again.
The idea that both of these characters who became the most dearest friends I could ever have, and seemed to really, really like me and WANT to be around me (both of them told me this many times . . . I was their best friend) would so coldly and cruelly tell me to basically go to Hell.
Now . . . while I was initially hurt by this, enough time has passed that I’ve SORT of got over it, but I often wonder if they are happy. Both are married now (to women). I wonder HOW they became so enamored with me and wanted to ‘share’ so much with me with great passion for SO MANY YEARS, and then SUDDENLY turn 180 degrees and tell me basically they didn’t like doing ‘tha’t anymore.
What kind of people are THEY? I’m asking a serious question. I’m not trying to sound vindictive toward them. I just think about this a lot. How were they both so homo-like and then how did it just totally kill out of their systems. The first was very two-way with me. He did as much to me as I did to him. The second one only wanted to boast, show off his cock and have me to make HIM feel good. It doesn’t matter to me HOW each of them participated, for . . . BOTH of them often bashed queers, made the jokes, and talked all the time about how much pussy they got. They wouldn’t DARE think of themselves in ANY homo way. In fact, BOTH stated this many times to me. “I hope you know I’m not gay.” Yet, they did gay things. So, WHAT are they? And what made them change?
Thanks for any answers from any of you out there.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Some people’s closets are deeper than others….
GetOffMyInternets
How many times is Queerty going to recycle this story, or very similar stories on said studies? Quite repetitive.
Kangol
As long as the article’s author continues to write for Queerty. Anything having to do with straight men seems to animate his interest.
gaimingfoxer
/sigh the issue here is obvious as is clearly noted by every other poster here.
If you have a *desire* to have sex with your own gender, you are not straight. Period.
All it does is prove that there are people in the closet, or who simply do not like the label “gay” due to various reasons that show our society still has problems.
However… Once again Queery tries to imply that these people aren’t actually gay or bi, they are flat out straight people and it’s makes perfect sense because apparently they want to keep the same fantasy that all straight people can be turned, they just haven’t found the right guy.
Mick406
Perhaps you have AN answer I’ve been looking for. See my post above. They both had ‘desire’. STRONG desire! And to me, they are not straight. Yet, because they totally gave it all up, I wonder what label they have now on them?
I do know this. BOTH were petrified of “anyone finding out” what we were doing. As Donston put it in his post: ” . . . whether someone hides serious long-term relationships due to shame or how they will be perceived by the public or industry.” Both these guys made it clear to me many times they loved the gay sex but both always implied that if anyone found out what we were doing they would be publicly shamed and their lives would be over. This fear of other people knowing gnawed at them all the time. To them, they thought I was the gay person, so therefore they were NOT gay!
RobtheElder
I’m not an expert, however I do have a degree in psychology. In the matter of sexual identity, someone who claims expert status is just waiting for a comeuppance. I don’t believe in bisexuality. To me, a gay person should be quite content, intellectually, to interact exclusively with other gay men. He may get curious about straight activities from time to time, but when he makes plans for future sexual activities, they’re plans with gay males (and vice versa for lesbians). By this logic, a bisexual makes plans for future sexual activities with whom? With whoever comes along? Every card carrying bisexual I’ve known had a preference. He likes having sex with other males because their conditions for sex are far less complicated, and their physical equipment is so much more substantial, and other than HIV, the complications (pregnancy, STDs, emotional trauma) are either less complicated or non existent. The point is, the bisexual has preferences that have to do with the sex he’s hoping for tonight. It doesn’t just depend on the first good looking person that happens along that’s willing. When determining orientation, bisexuality doesn’t work because you’re supposedly equal opportunity lovers, and that’s never true. In a pinch, you might do her, if you’re horny enough, but you wouldn’t go out seeking her. You’d have other expectations. I’ve never really found a rational argument against my point of view. Bisexuals get all up in arms about that point of view, but few can absolutely refute it.
Now for my observation concerning this article. Guys and gals know exactly where their buttons are located. We all hear stories from the gay and lesbian communities about the fantastic sex that same sex couples are able to engender. If you find some compatible, companionable guy or gal who looks good for tonight’s dalliance, and you think they can keep their mouths shut about the fun you will have, you swear you’re straight to all and sundry, while you enjoy the same equipment on him that you were issued, and no one gets hurt, and no one’s reputation is destroyed, and that’s why you do it. Because you can… RobtheElder
Heywood Jablowme
Wow, someone with a degree in psychology but you say you “don’t believe in bisexuality.” That’s not going to be controversial, not at all! (snicker)
Gee I think it’s a bit more complicated than being “supposedly equal opportunity lovers.” Where did you get THAT idea? Everybody has different interests & tendencies; nobody ever said those must be absolutely equal (except for you and maybe one of your obsolete college textbooks?). Yeah, it’s a common complaint about the term “bisexuality” that it sort of implies “equal interest,” but as a practical matter, nobody in real life seems to take it that literally.
Josh447
I think you’ve confused dating sex and marrying practices with sexual orientation.
Sexual orientation has nothing to do with Mr or Ms right, future plans or Mr or Ms right now. It has to do with who you get aroused by via your brain, period. Nothing else is taken into that equation. If you can get aroused by both sexes, at all, you’re bi even if you don’t practice sex at all physically or you only have sex with just one gender. It’s not which sex you physically fk or end up being with, if anyone, it’s what you think and what gets you hard when you are alone and fantasizing. The rest are just dramatic details.
Mick406
Damned good post, Rob!!!
“When determining orientation, bisexuality doesn’t work because you’re supposedly equal opportunity lovers, and that’s never true. In a pinch, you might do her, if you’re horny enough, but you wouldn’t go out seeking her.”
That perfectly describes ME!
Sam6969
“I don’t believe in bisexuality.”
“When determining orientation, bisexuality doesn’t work because you’re supposedly equal opportunity lovers, and that’s never true.”
“I’ve never really found a rational argument against my point of view. Bisexuals get all up in arms about that point of view, but few can absolutely refute it.”
Actually, we now have scientific arguments showing bisexuality is, statistically, a distinct sexual orientation with distinct brain activity patterns during sexual excitation ( Neural Correlates of Sexual Orientation in Heterosexual, Bisexual, and Homosexual Men , Safran, A. et al., Scientific reports, 2017)
The authors used functional MRI to register homo, straight and bisexual brains’ activities while showing them videos with sexual contents involving both sexes. They found that bisexual men tended to show less differentiation in their sex-favoring responses between male and female stimuli (even though they might have a preference for one sex on another). They also found that additional areas in the brain of bisexual men were activated compared to homo and straight men.
Bisexual men chosen for the study had at least two sexual partners and one romantic partner (of three months or greater duration) of each sex in the course of their life.
Sam6969
“I don’t believe in bisexuality.”
“When determining orientation, bisexuality doesn’t work because you’re supposedly equal opportunity lovers, and that’s never true.”
“I’ve never really found a rational argument against my point of view. Bisexuals get all up in arms about that point of view, but few can absolutely refute it.”
Actually, we now have scientific arguments showing bisexuality is, statistically, a distinct sexual orientation with distinct brain activity patterns during sexual excitation ( Neural Correlates of Sexual Orientation in Heterosexual, Bisexual, and Homosexual Men , Safran, A. et al., Scientific reports, 2017). [Note: I removed the link, as the comment was blocked]
The authors used functional MRI to register homo, straight and bisexual brains’ activities while showing them videos with sexual contents involving both sexes. They found that bisexual men tended to show less differentiation in their sex-favoring responses between male and female stimuli (even though they might have a preference for one sex on another). They also found that additional areas in the brain of bisexual men were activated compared to homo and straight men.
Bisexual men chosen for the study had at least two sexual partners and one romantic partner (of three months or greater duration) of each sex in the course of their life.
DCguy
I’m starting to feel that this author is stealthily anti-LGBT
He posts article after article defending the closet, and offering excuses for people that sleep with the same sex to keep calling themselves “Straight” or for Bisexuals to call themselves “Heteroflexible”.
This article, just more of the same defense of the closet.
Donston
I kinda do the same thing, and I wouldn’t call myself anti-lgbtq, just aware that everyone is different, have different circumstances and feel comfortable identifying as different things. However, the “gay media” at large does tend to purport hetero worship, support the closet too much and generally ignore things like internalized homophobia, gay shame, mental illness and sociological constraits.
Heywood Jablowme
“The real reason straight dudes have gay sex but still identify as straight”
They do it just to annoy DCguy! Obviously, that’s it! That’s the ONLY reason they do it!
Heywood Jablowme
I suspect DCguy would prefer that mostly straight / straight-leaning guys NEVER experiment with gay sex AT ALL. Thus we’d avoid the dreaded “label” problem entirely.
But how would that help anyone?
And their secret yearnings would still be present, just latent and un-labelled. Hey, sounds like the “closet” would still be there.
Donston
I just don’t understand why so many gay/homosexual/homo-dominant/homo-leaning guys stay obsessed with trying to get dudes who don’t really have any interests in legitimately being with someone that’s not the opposite cis gender to join the “queer community” and to identify with them, instead of wanting someone to just being honest about their dimensions and struggles. That mindset is almost as bad as persistent hetero/bi-guy worship and inferiority complexes.
DC definitely seems to have an issue with looking at things beyond identity and black-and-white. He’s one of those people that’s been overswept by agenda and politics and groupthink. We can acknowledge that gay shame, internalized homophobia and identity driven by sociology or ego are pervasive things, while still acknowledging that everyone is different, have their own indivdiual struggles, have their own psychology, instincts and motivations, and everyone has their own thing that gives them satisfaction and/or comfort. We don’t have to see it as one way or the other.
AxelDC
Vegans who eat lamb chops.
loren_1955
No mystery here. Recommended reading…Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan. He points out in his studies of indigenous and ancient peoples that they lived in much more boundaryless societies. The women would have sex with multiple men and women, likewise the men would have sex with multiple women and men. It took religion and land ownership to upset our ability and willingness to be sexually expressive with others. Seems like in the long run a loss for humanity. Where men stuck their dick is irrelevant to sexuality, it was for most simply an expression of desires being met.
Mick406
I LIKED THIS ANSWER!
I have often felt if religion hadn’t invented the word ‘marriage’, and the desire for ‘inheritance’ and greed hadn’t come into the picture, we could all be having a MOST wonderful sexual-expressive time of our lives!
You wrote the mantra that I would have liked to have lived my life by: “Where men stuck their dick is irrelevant to sexuality, it was for most simply an expression of desires being met.”
Josh447
That pretty much nails it. That is the sexual natural order of the human species.
If you look at genetics, the human species holds 98% monkey/ape DNA. Their sexual practices match exactly with your data regarding human sexual nature. If one wants to see human sexuality in action via our genetic code copy with these groups, one need go no further than watching a pack of monkeys. The doc Out In Nature films it perfectly.
Josh447
PS. As a race, I believe we are headed back to our natural inborn sexual model. As the dung of faux religions wash away, the next phase should be very interesting.
I think my new mantra might just be when asked if I’m straight or gay, “I’m not LGBT. I’m human.”
Thx for the book tip!
matthewphelps
All this study says to me is that identity is personal. Sexual identity is entirely determined by the individual. Most people don’t seem to understand this, and our western culture has a long history of categorizing sexuality into convenient groups. I think the younger generation is less constrained by sexual the “norms” understood by older generations. They are less inclined to allow themselves to be labeled by others based on whomever they happen to have sex with. The idea that it is acceptable to say to someone, “you slept with another dude, you’re obviously gay,” is as ridiculous is assuming all who identify as gay have the same sexual desires.
Paco
And I will be rolling my eyes at any guy telling me he is straight while having sex with me. No one is obligated to accept your self-identifying label when all observable evidence points to the contrary.
Oh btw, saying you are straight, is still labeling yourself. Which they all seem to make sure that label is known.
Donston
Romantically and sexually most people are not 100% inherently conventionally hetero or homo, especially for the entirety of their lives. And even if there’s a complete lack of attraction or passion, most people can enjoy some type of sexual activity with almost anyone or get some enjoyment/contentment being in a relationship with someone who’s company they merely enjoy despite whatever gender they may be. So, yes, behavior and identity becomes more of a choice and a matter of preferences and nuance. I just don’t like identity being governed primarily by sociology, ego, homophobia, internalized homophobia, misogyny, self-misogyny, misandry, self-misandry, self-metc. That’s the actual problem. I identify as a “gay-pansexual” because I feel that’s the closest representation of who I am and what I want, despire it being easier to just say I’m gay or bisexual.
Having said this, If a guy is willing to admit that he has some type of attractions beyond his opposite cis gender or likes to hook up with dudes on occasional but still wants to say he’s straight I’m okay with that. For many people, straight is not the same thing as “completely hetero”, just as for many gay isn’t the same as “completely homo”. Ultimately, you can’t feel comfortable identifying as something if you simply don’t feel comfortable identifying as something. And many people just don’t take sex or attractions that seriously. As long as someone doesn’t show shame about themselves and isn’t manipulating people then I simply don’t care much about identity.
Mick406
DONSTON
Perhaps you have given me the answer I was seeking in my much earlier post: ” . . . most people can enjoy some type of sexual activity with almost anyone or get some enjoyment/contentment being in a relationship with someone who’s company they merely enjoy . . .”
Maybe that is why those two guys had all those years of ‘fun’ with me. They merely enjoyed my company so much, they let their ‘inner selves’ become free. Perhaps I should think of this as a compliment instead of how they hurt me so badly.
Donston
Well, Mick, fluidity does have some legitimacy. But before getting into any real realtionship you have to get a good understanding of exactly how someone sees themselves (beyond identity) and how they see their lives and what they’re motivated by. Even if someone has a lot of passion and romantic feelings towards you, if they don’t feel comfortable building a life with someone of their gender and with being seen by the world a certain type of way that’s unlikely to change over time.
I’ve had relationships with females. I’ve cared about women. I enjoy a female’s company. And I still have some attraction to women. But I don’t feel comfortable being in a relationship with them. And it doesn’t fulfill me. It doesn’t give me contentment and calm. I’m always going to prefer a same-sex bond, prefer sleeping next to a man, prefer getting affection from a man, prefer building a life with a man.
This is why we need to look beyond mere identity, behaviors and/or attractions when it comes to trying to find a partner.
JamJewel
@Donston: You cannot start off with a sentence like that (“Romantically and sexually most people are not 100% inherently conventionally hetero or homo, especially for the entirety of their lives.”) and expect concurrence, or interest in what follows. “most?” “conventionally?” It’s bad enough that only 4% of us admit to being “100% inherently conventionally homo” but are platinum and gold star gay men so small in numbers that we end up immaterial to “most?” or in statistics? And whose “accepted standards” are we expected to meet when we don’t have desire for women? Probably the same “most?” But really, what kind of standards do THEY have if they can’t even decide whom they desire? [And I am not referring to bi-sexuals who have, after all, made a decision!] Most of the debate is fascinating but I think @loren_1955 said it best.
Curtispsf
I’m Queer as hell and I enjoy topping, bottoming, sucking dick, getting sucked, etc. What I DON’T enjoy is another Queerty “article” about straight guys having gay sex. C’mon. Just how many times do we have to keep beating that same dead horse? Judging by the comments section (and we see the SAME ridiculous commenters commenting over and over again, paragraph after paragraph, pontificating on the nuances of gay/straight/cis lifestyles…c’mon guys, don’t you have a life other than Queerty?) we apparently haven’t seen the end of articles like this. And THAT is both sad and pathetic. But I guess that’s the point of articles like this…just another rendition of masturbatory drivel.
Tarutaru
Humanity is so out of touch with itself. Its such a natural thing for men to sleep with each other. It’s as natural as men taking naps together and men playing sports together and men drinking beer together. It’s as natural as men flashing each other in the locker room after puberty and playing strip poker or some other excuse to get naked together to compare their bodies. It’s self affirming to see they are like their peers and also to share or express or relate their sexuality with other men. Need to take a step back with “sexual identity” bullshit and just look at human nature for a second. . We are social beings.
Paco
It’s so natural they hide it and turn homophobic the moment someone may find out about it.
I’ll drop the sexual identity bs when the “straight” guys drop it.
Donston
Paco, I can agree with you on that. If homophobia, internalized homophobia, gay shame, hetero worship and heteronormal pressures weren’t all so prominent it would be easier for people just be real about themselves, and sex and identity wouldn’t have so much importance for many.
David
Ok, here is my problem with this… Not the article but Queerty’s obsession with straight men. Every week there seems to be another article about how straight really means “Hetero-flexible” and okay, if Kinsey was to be believed, then yeah… there is truth to that. But the constant focus on banging straight dudes on this site is a bit creepy. Clearly the staff at Queerty has some unresolved issues around straight men, I fully expect someday there will be a trial where Queerty is used to justify the “Gay Panic” defense. “Your honor, my client has a justifiable fear as popular Gay media is focused on the “conquest” of straight men!” You laugh now… just wait.
OzJosh
Totally agree.
Donston
It’s not just a “gay media” problem. It’s a cultural and psychological problem. So many dudes are not interested in loving and coveting men who are unbashedly into guys and unembarrassed about wanting to be with a guy. Yet, they stay obsessed with men who identify as anything other than gay. I used to think that only represented a tiny fraction of gay/homo-dominant/homo-leaning men, but it’s apparent that it’s a much bigger portion of the population. It’s part of what leads to so many men spending most of their lives alone or eventually going back to females.
surfpenis
That’s certainly a hot picture accompanying this article! Two boys on a bed showing their feets and hairy legs … hot af ?
TVC 15
Amen! That’s pretty much the only reason I clicked the article link. The rest of the story is pretty much old news. We’ll probably never hear the outcome of the study again, though.
OzJosh
I’m willing to bet that I’ve had sex with more “straight” men that this psychologist, and my findings are far more nuanced. A good number of these would-be straight men reveal an awful lot about their behaviours and preferences in the throes of passion, and a good deal more over repeated encounters. I’ve met “straight” men who are vehement about their heterosexual credentials despite have sex with way more men than women, despite clearly being way more aroused by gay encounters, and even despite a preference for bottoming. Challenge them and you’ll encounter pure rage. What does that say?! Then there are the “straight” guys who pretty much exclusively have sex with men, even spend every spare moment cruising Grindr and beats for sex, but don’t consider themselves gay merely because their “masc”, don’t engage with the gay community and don’t like Beyonce. A lot of black guys, muslims and other ethnic minorities fit this description. To them “gay” is a cultural identity, and has almost nothing to do with who you have sex with. Their attitude to out guys, gay culture and identity, is often derisory, if not virulently homophobic – despite their behaviour. I’ve yet to read of a study that captures these archetypes, probably because none of these guys would ever agree to be a part of any study of sexuality. Which leads me to question just how valid these findings are.
Donston
You claim you see things more “nuanced” but not really nuanced enough. Some guys like bottoming for guys and topping chicks. Some dudes are into penis or masculinity or having something up their butts but don’t have substantial passion and desire for guys beyond random body parts.
Beyond culture, if a dude doesn’t legit want to be with a dude then he’s never going to identify with the “gay community”. We need to stop trying to force them into doing so and stop taking sex so seriously. Separating orientation from culture and sociology is important but so is stopping so much hyper focus on sex.
Sam6969
Donston,
While you and me agree on nuances you list (we already had a lengthy conversation about it before), I cannot help but thinking you are not as nuanced or accepting as you pretend to be either 😉
For instance, you wrote:
“Some guys like bottoming for guys and topping chicks. Some dudes are into penis or masculinity or having something up their butts but don’t have substantial passion and desire for guys beyond random body parts.”
…and we can carry on like that with many other combinations, but you still judge people with specific ones, such as some gay men who are attracted by straight dudes with —what is perceived as— stronger masculine features and the challenge to get them laid. Those gay men are also part of the wide spectrum of love and sexual preferences (not talking specifically about sexual orientation, here). The fact it might not be as fulfilling as a more conventional relationship, is not our problem if they like it this way. Plus, you can still be willing to have a consistent long-term relationship with another gay man, but have straight dudes fantasies for all sorts of reasons. Porn websites are filled with such videos for a reason. These purposes are not necessarily exclusive to each other.