Ryan Cleary made headlines earlier this year when he came out as bisexual on the reality dating show Survival of the Fittest. Now, the 27-year-old is using his newfound platform to challenge the stigma that still surrounds male bisexuality.
“When I was younger I’d have loved to have heard someone on TV say they were bisexual and it not be an issue,” Ryan tells Attitude in a new interview. “I don’t think that’s shown on TV often.”
He continues, “I wanted to use that platform in a way that would help people if they were ever in that situation where they feel that they can’t express who they are to whoever they want and feel comfortable with it.”
Clearly is featured in the magazine’s summer issue, where he posed for a smokin’ hot photo shoot at KOBOX Boxing Club in London.
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He says there’s a”totally unfair” double standard between the media’s treatment of bisexual men compared to bisexual women.
“You see [female bisexuality] in music videos and hip hop culture where girls are flirting with or kissing other girls and it’s looked at as cool but you would never see that with guys,” he laments.
This is damaging, he says, because it forces many bisexual men to remain closeted.
“I feel that some people hold back when they are bi and by holding back from those people who they are closest to, those people assume that you are straight.”
Cleary continues, “A lot of people who are bisexual are not open about it because it’s easy not to be if you are going more toward the heterosexual side of that bisexuality.”
“If you’re in a relationship with a woman but you’re bi, people are just going to assume you’re straight.”
“There’s such a broad spectrum within the LGBT+ community and then within bi and gay men, of masculinity and femininity. I feel they see only a certain way of what they perceive gay and bi men to be.”
Related: Another major “star” just came out as bisexual and a total size queen
h/t: Attitude
Donston
The biggest problem with the bi movement in general is that there’s no consensus on what bi means. Everyone has their own definition. Does just having some sexual experiences or relationships beyond one gender make you bi? If the only thing you like about a guy is his penis or butt are you bi? What if you have no romantic feelings towards men at all but enjoy them sexually, still bi? What if you have some attraction or arousal towards women but feel little to no desire, passion and sexual/romantic fulfillment towards them? Where do trans people come into the equation? The “spectrum” is so wide and convoluted that it’s made the bi identity by itself not much more than a place holder and a sociological cape. And frankly, no matter identity or behavior, most people could fit into someone’s definition of bi.
Emphasizing identity above all else is one of the bigger problems for the “queer community”. He’s right in that people need to be more open. But the focus should simply be on people being honest about their nuances, not adhering to whatever label and section of sociology you feel they fit into. And honestly, I don’t get why people who don’t really have much interest in being with anyone but a cis woman would be so obsessed with connecting themselves to queerness. It’s just never going to be typical because it’s not very practical, particularly for men. While these types of men who do it now often seem to have ulterior motives.
DCguy
I haven’t seen that, most bisexuals who post on here seem to be pretty clear. They’re attracted to men and women.
Donston
I don’t think you comprehended what I was saying. I wasn’t talking about people who post here. I was talking about famous or semi famous bi/fluid/pan/etc. identifying men who don’t seem to have much of any interest in ever being with a man (some don’t even seem to have much of any sexual interest in men) but who consistently use their queer identities for promotion, attention and to appeal to sectors. There are many chill, sane and honest bi identifying dudes. But they tend to not be at the forefront of the “bi movement”.
As far as the gay vs homo vs bi vs whatever other identities and what they all mean debate: I know for myself, despite having had relationships with women and being inherently pansexual, it was important to finally embrace the word “gay”. It helped to kill off whatever internalized homophobia, hetero worship and gay shame I still had, and it established for both myself and the people in my life that I was unabashedly homo-leaning. But everyone’s journey is different. And everyone truly has their own particular orientation, sense of gender, and set of motivations and instincts that guild them through their lives. So, being obsessed with identity in general a mistake and narrow-minded.
oz1967
sadly I must agree seems like being just gay is a bad thing for a career in entertainment still and being bi is the lesser of the two evils for self promotion, I do fully beleive in bisesexuality I think its far mor uncommon than being just homosexual
Shimata
“The biggest problem with the bi movement in general is that there’s no consensus on what bi means.”
No, that’s not the biggest problem with the bi movement, actually. The biggest problem with the bi movement is the bitchy, catty, hypocritical gay people who, after FINALLY achieving some modicum of acceptance from mainstream society, then turned right back around and started inflicting the same bullshit on a different group. Now that gays are no longer the biggest weirdos in class, they can’t resist their mean-gurrrl urges to bully, malign, and deny the validity of another group.
Cylest Brooks
In my experience, it is not bisexual people who are confused. Bisexual people are bisexual… they like men and women. Some remove the binary language and just say they’re attracted to all sexes/everyone/etc. But they’re rarely confused.
I think instead what causes the confusion is older generations/people to adapt to new language. “Bisexual” seems often to be, to them, a catch-all term to describe everything that exists outside of “straight”, “gay”, or “lesbian”. They use the word to describe anything they see that isn’t exclusively one thing or another… including, in some extremes, even gender identities. And then THEY are the ones confused when they don’t understand all the new ways that folks talk about the bodies they live in.
At least… that is true in the experiences that I’ve had.
I’m sure that it has been used (and probably is to some degree) as a transitional identity for folks making their way to full-on queer. But especially with younger folks, the necessity isn’t there as much to ease into it. The societal pressure is different. Folks identify how they want to identify. Very few of them seem confused about it.
Donston
Cylest, my experiences are all over the place. I’ve met a few bi-identifying men who are nonchalantly honest and express having desires, passions and romantic fulfillment that extend beyond one gender. I’ve also met plenty of bi-identifying men who say that they have little to no romantic and sexual interests and satisfaction towards both men and women but still feel the need to covet a bi dentity, as well as full-on homo men who simply don’t want to deal with people seeing them as “gay”.
Shimata, I think it kinda goes both ways. Many bi-identifying people do seem to have superiority complexes and can be trapped in a state of victimhood. I was one of those people. Some as well get caught up in everyone wanting them. However, many gay-identifying people are dismissive and look at all bi-identifying men as the same. The fact that many queer people see things as some competition is also a huge problem. You alluded to that in your post. Inherent bisexuality to whatever degree is pretty common stuff. There’s nothing weird or special about it. It might represent the majority (about half of gay-identifying are inherently bi). But many bi-identifying people do seem to be want to looked at as unicorns. This constant obsession with affirmation from queers in general is rather annoying.
Stuff like having a 40 year old wife and 19 year old side bf, using a certain gender purely for sex, only being into a person because of a body part or two, constantly exuding a desperation to retain some sense of heteronormalcy even when your romantic and sexual passions, preferences and fulfillments are homo. These are the types of things that still cause divisions. It’s also not helped by the fact that many gay/bi/pan/whatever identifying people still contend with extreme internalized homophobia, hetero worship/envy and self-misandry/self-misogyny. At the end of the day, no matter identity or dimensions in orientation a man who wants to love and be with a man and who can be truly satisfied with a man is never going to comparable to a man who doesn’t and isn’t like that.
Ultimately, being less hyper focused on pushing and selling indentities and fractions of sociology and being more focused on legit honest and straightforwardness about your nuances is the next important step for the “queer community” and would help kill a lot of division.
Donston
Finally, what actually triggered me and made me want to post was that he feels men who are far more interested in women need to express their “bi pride”. Indentifying as bi or simply being open about your dimensions or behaviors is one thing. But expressing bi/pan/fluid/etc. “pride” when you know you don’t have passion, satisfaction romantic fulfillment beyond one gender is fraudulent to me. As I just said, if you can only have legitimate fulfillment and contentment with one gender talking about your “bi pride” just seems lame and manipulative to me. I know many don’t feel that way. But that’s how I see it. And a lot of very homo-leaning men are obsessed with staying connected to very hetero-leaning men. If we’re going to admit that the spectrum is wide and varied and most people fit into somewhere then people need to not be ashamed of where they fit and shouldn’t resent people around that same area.
Shimata
You don’t have the right to tell someone that they’re Bi Pride is fraudulent just because it doesn’t fit your parameters. If someone is only capable of sexual intimacy with one gender but sexual and emotional intimacy with the other, they are still biSEXUAL. Sexual orientation is just that, SEXUAL. And as far as implying that bisexuals have a tendency to reduce people to body parts, gay men are every bit as guilty of that. Go ahead and pretend size queens aren’t a very real phenomenon in gay culture. There’s no shortage of gay people whose sole interest in other people is their bodies. Finally, for you to suggest that bisexuals are any more guilty of hetero-envy/worship is completely disingenuous and hypocritical. Gay men are FAR more obsessed with “straight acting” men than bisexual men are. Peruse any hookup app or gay website and you’ll see the pervasive obsession with men who are stereotypically butch and masculine. Virtually every feminine gay man I know prefers non-feminine men as sexual partners. Stop blaming bisexuals for the exact same sins you overlook in gays. The real gripe gay people have with bi people boils down to jealousy and resentment over the fact that it’s often effortless for bi people to blend in with heterosexuals, whereas gay people often can’t. Seeing someone succeed where you fail breeds jealousy and contempt, especially if you have some misguided feeling that the other person is unfairly having his cake and eating it too.
Donston
I’ve actually talked about all these things on this site, other sites and in actual life. I’ve talked about everything “queer” there is to talk about no matter how uncomfortable. And I know people who identify as a variety of different things and live a variety of “lifestyles”. So, you’re not telling me stuff I don’t know. You’re right in that “fraudulent” was a rather insulting word. But it’s simply how I feel. If you know you can never have romantic fulfillment and emotional satisfaction with that person then it’s all about sex and body parts. And I’m not seeing the “pride” in that. And if you know you don’t have much or any romantic or sexual interests in that person then your “bi pride” is just impractical. And I feel the same way about gay-identifying people who claim to have so much “pride” but cannot have legit romantic and emotional connection with someone or who stay obsessed with trying to be with or hook up with anyone who says they’re not gay. The whole “queer movement” in general is overly driven by sex, identity, sociology and ego.
And I have felt certain pressures to identify as bi. I’ve felt it from both younger and older people (I’m 30 btw). And that is the reason I felt the need to post what I did. What this dude is doing is merely pressuring people to identify as something. It’s not about opening up. He just wants more people “in his club”. Because I’ve had relationships with women and admit to not being completely and 100% inherently homo I’ve had tons of people, both on the internet and in “real life”, tell me I’m bi-erasing or showing bi-shame. This, despite being married to a man and despite letting them know that I’ve never had genuine romantic or sexual or emotional fulfillment with a female and saying that I don’t ever see myself having another relationship with a female. So, the “bi pride” pressure is a real thing. I see it everyday. Identifying as “gay” was what was best for me, my life and my psychology. However, unlike this dude, I would never push identities on anyone. I may think it’s corny to walk around talking about “bi pride” when you know you don’t have legit romantic and sexual satisfaction fulfillment beyond one gender, especially if you’re doing it beyond a certain age, but it’s ultimately whatever to me.
If we loosen our grip on pushing “labels” and stop labeling someone before they’ve done it to themselves and stop demanding they show pride as soon as they admit to not being absolutely hetero and stop being obsessed with trying to get more people into “our category”- it might be legit easier for people (particularly men) to gain greater self-understanding, self-comfort and to be fo’ real about the dimensions of themselves.
Donston
Also, I agree with some of your post. Though neither of your two posts have much to do with the stuff I’m talking about. Also, I know quite a gay-identifying men who “blend in”, as well as a few bi-identifying who don’t at all (straight indentifyin men who don’t for that matter). So, basing this on masculinity and feminity and saying that that represents the tension between gay and bi identifying people is a bit one-note. I also know quite a few gay and bi identifying people who have very similar opinions as me on this topic. So, I don’t feel I stand alone.
Donston
Finally, there are plenty of effeminate men who “butch up” rather convincingly. There are plenty of effeminate men who date women and some only date women. I honestly don’t even know why you brought up masculinity and feminity, since those things are not the basis of someone’s desires, passions, romantic fulfillment or sexual satisfaction, and there are plenty of masculine men who identify as gay or homo and plenty of effeminate men who don’t.
Cylest Brooks
I think, personally, that you should spend less time trying to pathologize all of the various identities people have and WHY they have them and, instead, just let people be. Who cares why someone identifies they way they do? There’s nothing divisive about it until people start suggesting that one identity is more valid or respectable than another.
Donston
I would be fine living in a world where people identify as whatever and we all keep it pushing. Instead, we live in world where sociology is supreme, where everyone forces an identity on everyone else (especially in the “queer community”), where people pathologize and fetishize each other’s identities, where people use identity to force themselves out of sociological frameworks or force others into them, where people use identities to boost their own ego or need for superiority, where some people are obsessed with their identity getting props or praise or have persistent obsession with getting affirming and praise for their sense of self, etc, etc. And if these “identities” mean whatever the individual wants them to mean just what type of meaning do they have? And then aren’t we better off de-emphasizng and hyping these identities and should be more focused on boosting the idea of just talking plainly about ourselves? It’s an interesting topic but perhaps an inappropriate for this site.
Also, it’s weird how my opinion on this type of topic has changed so drastically over the last couple years.
Shimata
Everything you say boils down to “Since I’ve realized this ‘truth’ about myself, it must apply to all others.” You seem to have a vested interest in mitigating or demonizing others’ bisexuality simply because you’ve grown tired of your own. Or you feel you’ve “evolved” beyond your previous label. Good for you, truly. But don’t presume to sit on your idealized throne of self-realization and then pontificate to anyone else. Your truth is yours alone, and no one else’s. You think you’re “woke,” but you’re really just an apologist.
You’ve a lot of nerve to presume to lecture down to other bisexuals when everything you’ve posted so far comes across as a cringe-worthy, self-deprecating effort to ingratiate yourself to anti-bi gay people. You felt pressured to identify as bi? That sounds suspiciously like an admission that you’re a fraud, and yet here you are in an online comments section calling other people fraudulent if they don’t meet your precise criteria for bisexuality. But whatever, right? That’s just how you feel. You say that, despite being bi or pansexual, it was important for you to embrace the word gay. On one hand, I understand you. I’m in a 4 year relationship with a man, so I’m “functionally gay,” but I’m not gay, nor do I pretend to be, nor do I want to be, nor do I begrudge or covet anyone who is. I don’t begrudge anyone for being gay, straight, bi, pansexual, asexual, or whatever. Live and let live, and stop trampling on other people’s identities in some desperate effort to seem enlightened.
JoeyRamone
Damn, he’s smoking!
Zambos271
He’s hot. How did I miss his coming out?
Kangol
I’ve never heard of him, but he’s a hottie. Very nice face, especially his eyes and lips!
talktalktalk
he’s great looking! No denying that…..the only bisexual man I know is too!
Josh447
As with all bisexuals it runs a spectrum. The user of labels to define each nuance is tedious. Best to just talk to people to get where they are at and leave it at that.
Donston
In many respects things have gotten better. It is generally a more “open-minded” world. However, people used to be able to admit to having some “nuance” in their inherent orientation or admit to some experimentation without sociology and social media pressuring an identity on them. Also, people used to be more focused on preference than anything else. Being open and honest is cool. I just don’t feel anyone should be pressured to walk around talking about “bi pride” when they know their romantic and sexual preferences are with one gender, especially if they’re beyond a certain age. Too much of the “bi community” is forcing that on people.
valentino888
Straight or closeted Trump supporters need to quit coming on here and lying saying they’re a gay person who “chose” to be gay. We’re not stupid on here. We can spot you a mile away.
Donston
Everyone has some type of choice in how they live their lives and what they identify as. However, you don’t have control over your gender passions and what type of person gives you romantic, sexual and/or emotional fulfillment and contentment. People who claim that they “chose” to be gay are typically people with some type of nuances in their orientation or some past hetero experiences or relationships but who have passions, romantic and sexual preferences that veer towards their same gender. Embracing that is the chose. Actually having them is not.
But just like orientation and sense of gender can be complicated stuff, there are a various amount of reasons why people date and/or have sex with the people they do.
hansniemeijer
happy to read he is into men
Stilinski26
I have seen his nudes its hot