A Reddit user is having an identity crisis of sorts, worried that he’s straight despite all the evidence to the contrary.
“So I’m 20, and I’ve known I was gay since I was like 11,” he wrote in a recent post. “But there’s a part of me that thinks of myself as a straight person ‘pretending to be gay,’ that I somehow convinced myself to be gay when I was 11 because I found a boy attractive one time.”
He continues: “I know this is totally irrational because I’ve been in a gay relationship for 3 years, I regularly have gay sex and enjoy it, I don’t have any interest in women. But I find it really hard to shake that feeling that I’m just pretending, even though I know it makes no sense.”
“And when people say things like, ‘Oh, you don’t seem gay,’ it hits pretty hard and makes me feel really uncomfortable because it brings those feelings back to the surface. Is this just like internalized homophobia or something? Anyone have any tips on how to get rid of it?”
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Related: Gay Redditor wonders if he’s the only one not into straight guys
Commenters on the post were quick to point out that homosexuality is not homogeneous.
“Realize that being gay only means you find men attractive,” one wrote. “This notion that you need to act a certain way or not be yourself to fit in with the clique is just plain wrong. You are who you are, there’s no need to feel guilty about it.”
“There’s no stereotypical way to act gay,” added another. “No one suspects I’m gay because they always say, ‘You don’t act gay,’ and that’s stupid. You don’t need to be feminine or flamboyant or run through a room with a rainbow flag.” [Ed. note: Not that there’s anything wrong with that!]
“I think we try to find/identify our community, but we’re not actually a community,” a third commenter wrote. “We’ve created this community, but we’re not a neighborhood or a family or a tribe where belonging is clear and commonalities are obvious.”
Multiple commenters, meanwhile, advised the original poster to seek outside support. “A therapist can help you work through this uncomfortable feeling that you know you want to change but are not sure how,” one wrote.
Related: Gay guys reveal whether or not they got to “live out their youth properly”
Perhaps the moral of the story is that we should work harder to separate gender expression from sexuality. Plenty of straight guys are feminine, after all, and plenty of gay guys are masculine.
Take the commenter who says his boyfriend seems “straight AF” at first blush: “His roommates regularly give him sh*t by insisting he’s only pretending to be gay to f*ck with all of them, but then they see me over and hear our (unintentionally) loud sex, and they [get] the picture. And man, if they even knew HALF of the amount of butt stuff he is into, they wouldn’t be having those doubts.”
Update: One Queerty reader emailed us to point out this Redditor may be living with sexual orientation OCD, a condition we reported on in 2017. The OCD Center of Los Angeles website asserts that gay people can be compulsively concerned they’re actually straight:
Over the years, therapists here at OCD Center of Los Angeles have treated many homosexuals (male and female) who are plagued by obsessive fears of being “straight”, and who suffer equally when OCD attacks their sexual identity. Furthermore, the fears that clients with this condition report have little to do with actually becoming gay (or straight). At its core, Sexual Orientation OCD is the fear of not knowing for sure, paired with the fear of never being able to have a healthy, loving relationship with a partner to whom one feels genuinely attracted.
AxelDC
It’s because he grew up in a heterosexual world where everything is centered around heterosexuals. Even if the world is becoming more accepting of gays, it’s not designed for us and we naturally feel out of sync.
Daddy
I know this sounds too simple but it is the best way to rid your mind of absurdities. Simply, CHANGE YOUR MIND You have the power to control your mind. People whose mind controls them are very confused. Good luck.
Brian
How do you quit smoking? You don’t light up another cigarette. How do you quit drinking? You don’t have another drink. It sounds easy, but we all know better than that. Our minds are what makes it so hard, that’s just how it works with humans, yourself included.
tjack47
He is disconnected. Detached. There’s a sadness about it. Depression. I agree. A therapist, counselor, or he may even need to seek psychiatric care. I say this, because he’s so disturbed about it. It may be symptomatic of mental illness and a treatment regimen might help. I don’t necessarily mean medication. There are thought stopping techniques for people with OCD, for instance. He does sound quite anxious.
Donston
I don’t like assuming that the dude has deep issues that he needs to confront through therapy. We don’t know the man or his mental struggles or past traumas. This site has posted a handful of articles over the past year of guys who once came out as “bi” but now declares themselves to be “gay”. We don’t assume that they need therapy. Ultimately, fluidity is real for some and so is sociological and ego pressures. While someone’s romantic, sexual, affection, emotion, relationship spectrum is often not sorted out at the age of 20. I do suppose that we all could use a bit a therapy. But this stuff is also a side effect of placing so much emphasis on identity and so much emphasis on what all this stuff means. We are not allowing each other to be individuals and have our own individual journeys and sense of self.
Coruna2018
He could very well be bisexual and only admitting it now, even if he doesn’t have an interest in women. We, Americans, love to categorize people and slip them into “boxes” of our own making. It makes us feel superior to others, many times. We, as humans, don’t enjoy uniqueness and multiple categories to deal with all at once, which is why most of the posters didn’t or won’t acknowledge bisexuality as the answer to this man’s dilemma. Most of us have a degree of bisexuality. One can be relationally gay and enjoy gay sex, as this man does, yet have attractions to women. Bisexual doesn’t equal 50/50, although there are those bisexual men and women who are that even in their attractions. I agree that therapy will help him sort this nagging feeling out. At whatever conclusion he arrives, he will know who he is, relationally and sexually. That’s the end result for him. It’s his sexual orientation to figure out and to accept. All my best wishes for him!
Donston
But if “bisexual” can mean anything why are we caught up in thinking a “gay man” must be 100% homosexual in every way? You make it sound like “gay” equates to something shameful and dehumanizing. I’m not a homo, but I still find “gay” empowering. Besides, just like everything else, “bisexual” is a label and a box to tick off, and it has its own social and political implications and pressures and limitations. That’s partly why I focus on self-love and mental health above all else and why I hype the romantic, sexual, affection, emotion, relationship spectrum more than I do identity. The dude seems like he needs therapy or at least some time alone. Depression, anxiety and self-esteem may be biggest issues for him.
Donston
Furthermore, fluidity is fairly common, especially in your 20’s (as much as folks try to keep discrediting it), so is questioning or insecurities. I ultimately am okay with being seen as “gay” despite not being homosexual because it empowers me and I love being romantically, sexually, emotionally tied to a guy and love persistent male affections. However, even as a homosexual if your feelings for your same sex doesn’t go much further than sex then “gay” is likely to eventually feel empty as well as a “gay lifestyle”. Everyone simply has their own perspective, journey, struggles, priorities and their own thing going on.
Donston
On a completely different note, it is weird how not living up to stereotypes equates to some questioning your orientation and/or with you not “fitting in”. Yet, at the same time, masculinity and being “straight passing” equates to you having wider sex appeal and being placed on a pedestal within the “gay community”. We just need to stop putting so much pressure on each other. Pressures to behave a certain way, to live up to certain standards, to break away from stereotypes, to embrace certain identities, to detach from certain identities, etc. The “queer community” can cause almost as much internalized homophobia, gay shame, self-misandry, etc. as the “straight world”. It really needs to stop.
Dunnedin
Interestingly, growing up I was always attracted to both boys and girls, physically and emotionally. However, when I entered college (in the mid-60s) and took psychology, everything I read said that I must be homosexual. Since I figured the “experts” were right, I decided my attraction to females was just a “phase” (sound familiar?) and ignored it.
batesmotel
It’s automatically assumed you’re either gay or straight with nothing in between. Sexuality is more complicated and complex than simpletons like to believe. It’s not unreasonable to know that there are some that thought of themselves as gay up to a certain age and realized they weren’t that attracted to men, or their attraction for the other gender started to grow. We hear the case of being the other way around where a straight person is realizing they’re more attracted to the same gender over the years. It goes both ways. Although in this guys case he’s saying he’s not attracted to women at all. It could be that he’s becoming what is also possible, someone that isn’t attracted to either gender. For him, it sounds more like he’s gay in physical attraction, but parts of him feel straight. He’s probably straight acting and into straight things more than the stereotypical gay things, but is attracted to the same sex. This all got insane when the lower evolved started to insist on using labels to describe everything. Not everything needs a label that will be obsolete hundreds of years from now.
MrTrouble2U
It is important to point out that this is a completely personal matter, and there is no right or wrong. That said, you should be cautious to not repress what you are feeling; You really need to explore where these feelings are coming from. The reality is you could fall anywhere from “straight” to “totally gay” as Kinsey discovered.
There is no such thing as “the straight” or ” the gay” experience. It is, in fact, a completely personal matter which cannot be based on what others have experienced or told you it should be. In short, you must explore these feelings (on both sides) to discover for yourself what they mean to YOU. Don’t be afraid to find out that you might actually be straight, or gay, or anything in between. The label is unimportant, YOUR feelings are what you need to discover.
I would advise seeking some form of counseling to help guide you on this journey. Don’t settle for any categorizations on how you SHOULD feel should they offer this. Instead, focus on exploring what makes you happiest. If you have a friend, family member or other confidant you can discuss the process with, you will probably find that very helpful as well.
djmcgamester
The people around him are idiots. No one tells me they don’t think I’m gay but I do hear that you wouldn’t guess while I’m walking down the street. I don’t fit the outdated stereotype, I have zero fashion sense, and I’ve had my “gay card” taken away on a few occasions for my lack of knowledge or interest in theater and divas. It makes me neither better nor worse than anyone who fits any of these stereotypes.
One of my exes used to play basketball for Boston College – 6’5″, lots of muscle, deep voice, traditionally “masculine”. Seriously, you’d never guess in a casual situation. Neither of us maintained any sort of secrets about our sexuality but you’d have to talk to us or see us holding hands or kissing. Seems like that guy is going through that sort of thing but doesn’t know how to tell people they don’t know what they’re talking about
Doug
I went though this after I came out in my twenties and had sex with a couple of women just to make sure I was totally gay. It was educational, but it just didn’t have anything close to the intensity of sex with men. I’d encourage this guy to experiment more.
radiooutmike
It’s strange.
When I was growing I felt the same way, but opposite. I walked around most days, functioning but I usually had constant stream of “Am I gay, am I gay, am I gay?” running through my head at all times.