Urban Dictionary defines a friend with benefits as “Two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved.”
It is someone you can get away with drunk texting on Friday night from a bar after your fifth cocktail. It can be someone who you would never date for various reasons (he rides a motorcycle, he eats crackers in bed, he’s a Republican, etc., etc.), but whom you nonetheless love getting naked with on occasion.
There are a lot of advantages to maintaining a friend with benefits — also known as a fuck buddy or FB, for those who prefer not to use the “F” word in polite company. They provide company, they’re pleasant to look at (at least according to you, but probably not your friends), and they’re good for your mental health. Most importantly, their very existence in your life all but guarantees you’ll get laid.
But the definition of FB also connotes impermanence. That’s what makes it so darn exciting, getting the most out of him while he lasts. So what happens when your interest in you FB finally goes limp?
How about we take this to the next level?
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Here are a few ground rules for breaking up with your booty caller…
RULE #1: Ask yourself: Why am I breaking up with him?
Getting laid on a regular basis is a good thing. So before you break it off, take a moment to ask yourself why you’re dumping him. We’ve seen too many perfectly good FB lost for no good reason.
Is the guy you are dating insisting you get rid of him?
Do you fear growing emotionally involved?
Or have you simply lost interest? Generally speaking, FBs have a famously short life expectancy before you are onto the next one. (With no hard feelings, of course.)
RULE #2: Have a plan
Once you’ve determined why you’re dropping your FB, and you are doing it for the right reasons, you’ll need to come up plan for doing it as gracefully as possible. Here are four tried and true breakup techniques:
1. The clean break
This usually happens when you’ve entered into a romantic relationship with another person and the two of you have decided to become exclusive. Time to dump the FB.
In this situation, it’s polite to let your boy toy know of your recent change in relationship status. A quick, friendly email will suffice. It can say something simple like: “Hey, remember that guy I told you about? Well, we’ve decided to take our relationship to the next level. I just wanted to let you know.”
Easy, breezy, and polite. And it has the advantage of being somewhat true. And your FB will understand.
2. The long, mutual goodbye
This is when you just sorta naturally stop seeing one another over a period of time. Instead of once a month, your liaisons dwindle down to once every two or three months. Then once every six months. Then once a year. Until one day it dawns on you that you haven’t spoken to him since last February. And you haven’t missed him, either.
3. The passive aggressive blow off
This is when the goodbye isn’t mutual. You’re no longer interested in continuing, but he is. And so he persists in sending you increasingly urgent texts asking to get together. Rather than simply telling him the truth, you take the easy way out, responding with vague, non-committal responses. “How’s it going, sexy?,” he writes.
“Fine” is your unenthusiastic response.
“I’m in your ‘hood” he writes the next day, suggestively.
“That’s cool.”
“Want to get together?” he finally suggests
“Busy. Maybe this weekend. I’ll call you.” And then, of course, you never do.
This back-and-forth carries on for a few weeks before eventually he gets the hint and stops messaging you.
4. The straight up break up
Every now and then you may find yourself confronted with a FB who just won’t leave you alone. You haven’t responded to any of his e-mails in weeks. You’ve ignored every single phone call, text message, and voicemail for the past month. Yet he persists.
What’s a boy to do?
Well, you could continue ignoring him until even he eventually gives up. (Though from our experience this could take weeks, even months.) Or you could lie and tell him you have a boyfriend. (Though this might simply lead to another proposition.)
So your best bet is to do the grown-up thing and formally break up. This means calling him, telling him you’re no longer interested in hooking up, that his behavior borders on stalking, and that he needs to stop contacting you. Yes, it will be awkward. Yes, you’ll probably feel like an asshole afterwards. But sometimes it just needs to be done.
RULE #3: It’s OK to relapse
Unlike when you accidentally hook up your ex-BF in a moment of weakness, getting together with your ex-FB after you’ve broken up is totally fine. (Assuming he’s not a stalker.)
You may not have spoken to one another in a year or two or even ten, then one day you run into each other at the grocery store. He’s looking mighty fine these days. You exchange numbers again. And, come Saturday, the two of you are rolling around in the sheets for “old time’s sake.”
Perhaps the best part about having an FB (aside from the obvious) is that you get to call the shots as you see fit. You can break up, get back together, break up, and get back together again as often as you want, and it’s no big deal. The real rule is that there are no real rules. So long as you are both getting what you want, anything goes.
RULE #4: Don’t Dump FB #1 Without Having FB #2 Lined Up
But that goes without saying, right?
Related stories:
Midsummer Night Flings: Six Tips For Taking Up A Gay Lover In August
How to Exit Gracefully After A One Night Stand
The 10 Best Songs About Gay Sex
Graham Gremore is a columnist and contributor for Queerty and Life of the Law. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.
Scribe38
I’ve been dumped by two FB. Guy (A) took me to dinner explained he was dating a cop and wanted to make an honest go of it. We hugged, kissed on the cheek and no hard feelings. Guy (B) was a prick. He was my personal trainer. I called for a morning hook up and he laughed and said, “No we aren’t doing that any more, I’m f*cking a MILF now”. What sucked I had pre-paid for about 12 more sessions. I ended up transferring my sessions to another trainer.
tdx3fan
@Scribe38: I think the lesson to be learned there is never fuck your employees.
lykeitiz
I remember breaking up with one who I really liked & had lasted 6 years. Sadly, he had anger issues with a touch of stalking (and a side of substance abuse). It was sad. He was a LOT of fun!
Mykaels
@tdx3fan: Truth!
All of mine have been through e-mail or phone or text. They are FB’s, not FWB’s for gods sake.
Tackle
It doesn’t have to be this difficult, and when it does, usually there is a lack of maturity and communication involved. That’s why it’s important to understand, and define upfront what you are doing.
AtticusBennett
I guess my choices in lovers over the years have simply been smart – nearly all, truly, have become long-term very-close friends. there was more to our connection than mere physical chemistry – and so the “transition” into legit friendships was easy as pie.
Ladbrook
FB’s are by their very nature temporary, so “breaking up” with one seems like an odd choice of words. Technically, FB’s are just extended one night stands. That being said, I currently have 3, and what I like most about them (and why I keep them around) is that none of them have ever mistaken our time together as anything other than what it is: two near strangers fucking every few weeks. I like it that way, they like it that way, and none of us ever bother pretending that it’s anything even remotely meaningful. When one wanders off or chooses to stop hooking up, my first thought is, “that was fun while it lasted… no harm, no foul.”
If you can’t look at it that way, and you’re going to get all butt-hurt over how your FB decides to call it quits (and they always call it quits eventually), then you have no business having an FB in the first place.
SonOfKings
My main concern right now is finding a new FB. Maybe one of those dudes at the gym…
DarkZephyr
Dear Lord, what a shallow article. The shallowness made my jaw drop literally and I didn’t think Queerty coukd do that to me anymore. Half the advice in this article was assholish bullsh*t. I think honesty is the only way to go, whether graceful or blunt if need be. How can you f*ck someone and have zero concern for their human dignity whatsoever?
@AtticusBennett: I have a few of those myself. I’ve since moved on to being with the love of my life, but I have a few friends I used to be intimate with that I’m still very close to on a non-physical level (most will be attending my wedding) I’m not wired to do the “near stranger” thing, but that’s just me. We all have to do what works for us.
DarkZephyr
@SonOfKings: Good luck with that.
DarkZephyr
@DarkZephyr: could*
polarisfashion
My favorite FB moved away from me to San Francisco! Sometimes I still think about him, we did have fun.
vive
God, if it’s going to be this complicated, just go to the baths instead.
Bromancer7
@vive: An option if there is one near you. The closest to me is an hour away. So there’s gas + tolls + the cost of the bathhouse itself, which is around $20, roughly $40 in total plus two hours of driving. That’s a lot of time and money for a hookup.
DDstar1me
I’m trying my very best to hang on to my F-buddy. With so many STD’s going around I try to stick to one partner at a time.
KB3900
Well for those of you who talks about a FB as if they are only good for 1 thing I can say honestly that I had a FB and we both agreed it was nothing more. I even had a BF at the time. My FB and I got together regularly to the point my BF should have caught us considering he had the keys to my house and could come over whenever he felt like it. My FB and I messed around for 4months never being caught so I eventually dumped my BF for not wanting to be there like I felt he should have. My FB and I continued to hook up and to our surprise got together and have been exclusively together 1year and we are now engaged. I say this to you because you shouldn’t underestimate the one you started out with as just a FB can sometimes turn out to be all that you was looking for. The saying goes what you was looking for could be right in front of you.
KB3900
My FB is became my BF and is now about to become my HUSBAND
M K
FWB does NOT equal a FB… The former is actually a friend that just also happens to also include some benefits, hence the name. A FB is not a friend… he is not someone who you would hangout with, go to dinner with, interact with others with… hence the name…. you just F.
dave lopes
I don’t have Friends with benefits. Once they become friends the sexual attraction is gone.
What i do have are long term sexual acquaintances, all young DL bi-sexuals in straight relationships.
No complications, no drama, wham banm thank you bro.
Alan down in Florida
If you set ground rules at the start about the nature and limits of the FB relationship then the break up should be easy since both individuals knew from the outset the end would ultimately come.
Scribe38
@tdx3fan: The bigger mistake was screwing a dude in the closet who was also banging half the chicks in the gym. I consider myself to be sort of smart, but it was definitely one the stupider things I have done. I saw the muscles, huge member, and tattoos and my common sense went out the window… And did I mention he was a veteran only six months out of the army? Yeah I didn’t have a chance.
lauraspencer
ugh
Blackceo
If u have to “break up” with a fuck buddy you were doing it wrong from the beginning by not establishing what his role was. Shouldn’t be a need for a sit down and check off list.
DarkZephyr
@dave lopes: “I don’t have Friends with benefits. Once they become friends the sexual attraction is gone.”
Why?
vive
@Alan down in Florida, who sets down “ground rules” at the beginning of a sexual relationship? It’s a rather insulting thing to do so maybe you have to be a bit of a sociopath to do that.
dave lopes
@DarkZephyr:
I think they become fully human to me instead of just being a sexual object.
I like the idea of two people simply using each other to bust a nutt.
The less talk the better.
csports286
I’m trying to break up with my fuckbuddy now. He’s straight and married. (I know – every gay guys dream!) But I really don’t enjoy it any more. He looks like a Bush, you know that dumb look? And his butt hair is so thick and he refuses to kiss. I want an actual gay guy ’cause they’re so much better but I’ve given up (temporarily). I’m gonna break it off, I’ve decided. But it’s hard ’cause he keeps texting!
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Patriciabowen
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abigail_knowles
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