I’m still recovering from my Snatch Game hangover. Yes, it’s a tough episode to follow, but RuPaul reminds us that it’s spring break. Woo-hoo! Instantly, my fake hangover is reminded of how much worse real a hangover can be.
For the mini-challenge, the girls will be competing in an “all-American wet t-shirt contest.” All-American? Well, it’s nice to know we’re is recognized for our classy ways.
I’m shocked: This is the mini-challenge? What does that mean for the rest of the episode? They’ve only been promoting a sopping wet Dida Ritz for, like, seven months. What more is there?!?
Our only clues to the main challenge are the references to cruise ships and Stonewall in the weekly she-mail.
For this wet T-shirt contest, the girls are each given a pair of voluptuous ta-tas and some delightfully trashy clothing and made to perform in front of a roaring crowd at “Drag-tona Beach.”
Here’s the rundown:
* Ru announces Milan as, “London. Paris. Milan!” I think this might be the fourth time this season? It’s officially ridiculous. Please, just say something else… “Milan is nice this of year!” “I’ll take a one-way ticket to Milan!” “Milan! That word rhymes with Black Swan.” Seriously. Any of these would be better than hearing that introduction again.
* Sharon does a comedy performance because she likes to “mock sexiness.” It includes a spit take. Sure, why not?
* Phi Phi manages to lose both her boobs and her wig. And. It. Is. So. Painful. To. Watch.
* Willam squirts a bottle of sunblock everywhere and then serves up some Hollywood sluttiness. If it looks so natural, is it acting?
* Latrice says that her “alter ego is a stripper.” And after she does a split and a leg lift that requires crotch blurring, I can’t disagree.
And the winner? Well, let’s see if you can guess who based on her quote: “I won. It’s kind of a hobby of mine. Thank you god for all this bod.”
Yes, Willam. Con-drag-ulations. The thing is, I love to hate you. And for that to keep happening… you must win some challenges. I’ve accepted this. Now, let’s move on.
Compared to previous episodes, the workroom seems tame during the prep for this challenge. There isn’t a massive, shade-slinging yell fest. There’s no power struggle against the Puerto Ricans with someone fighting to be leader (even though she should probably just sit her ass down). There is just glitter. And craft paper. Sure, Jiggly loses an epic battle against the hot glue gun and decent construction, but after her apocalyptic hot-potato outfit, it’s no surprise.
While the girls are all given a nice stash of goodies to decorate their floats, Willam whips up dozens of star stickers with her face on them. (Maybe she just had some promotional materials lying around?) As she expertly uses them to create texture on the hull of her ship, it just seemed a little unfair. If I’m ever on Drag Race, I’m taking everything and anything that might need to give me an edge: disco balls, Andy Warhol’s ghost, live piranha—anything.
Yeah, okay good luck with that.
With more chatting, we also learn about Phi Phi. Her purple float is shaping up nicely, so the focus is about her back-story. She’s been through some hard times, leaving most of them behind her when she packed up from Texas and moved to Chicago. She then paints the Lone Star State as a place where homosexuality is completely unacceptable and where gay-bashing is a constant threat.
Yes, Texas has its problems (crippling heat, Rick Perry, The A-List Dallas)—and it’s not the best place to grow up gay. But it does have Dallas. And Austin. And the real estate to make its gay clubs ridiculously massive.
Sorry girl, I’m a Texan. I gotta defend my home. Just stick to trash talking the other girls.
“Covergirl! Put the bass in your walk…” Ah yes, the sweet sounds of the main stage are calling us. Our guest judges are NCSI’s Pauley Perrette and fashion plate Kelly Osbourne.
Here are the highlights:
* The entire time, Pit Crew clones were in the background swaying blue cardboard to simulate ocean waters.
* Chad Michaels, dressed as a pink showgirl, is serving “the deadliest catch: snapper.”
* A master of subtlety, Milan walks on stage in a yellow sunshine boat named “The Milan Invasion” and uses her arms to paddle.
* Sharon serves us “some snake realness” by dressing her left arm as a snake. Its slither is eerily convincing, but her boat is overworked with green foliage.
* Latrice Royal is turquoise royalty. Painted. Sculpted. And giving us Ursula fierceness.
* Willam does well. Okay, fine—Willam does amazing. While the boat had been somewhat awkward for every girl, Willam sets her down mid-stage and tosses an anchor. That way, she can work her expensive outfit’s every last angle.
* Phi Phi should also do more challenges with giant cardboard props. Best yet.
Willam, Phi Phi O’Hara and Latrice Royale are in the Top Three, while Jiggly, Dida Ritz and Milan are at the bottom of the sea.
Do I have to spell out the winner for you?
It’s Willam—duh—who wins a cruise. (The kind on the water.)
For the bottom two, it’s Jiggly vs. Milan, lip-synching Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way.” This seems like the right time for both of them. Jiggly has been underperforming for a while, and Milan is still Milan.
This song has its softer moments, and that’s where Milan’s overacting really got cringeworthy. Just because you can open your mouth all the way to lip-synch a lyric doesn’t mean you have to. Don’t pull off your wig! Don’t take off part of your dress! Don’t do the splits immediate after Jiggly! Ugh.
No contest. Jiggly, chanté, you stay.
RuPaul leaves us with some final words for Milan: “London. Paris. Milan…” Sorry, I tuned out after that. I’m so exhausted by that line—thankfully we won’t have to hear it again.
Next week: The girls launch their own magazines. Willam uses it as an excuse to get naked.
Jason Sweeten is a Texan who lives in New York.