Yep, RuPaul has some music to sell and she’s using this episode to let us know all about Glamazon ($9.99!) and Champion ($6.99!!!).
We barely get to say one last goodbye to Lashauwn Beyond (eliminated last week) before the drama starts: The Princess is going on about how Jiggly Caliente should have been in the bottom two.
Oh, The Princess, bitching like that just isn’t a good look.
For the mini-challenge, the pit crew carries in a throne with the episode’s special guest, Piyah Martell, a fierce queen with caudal regression syndrome. Translation: she doesn’t let the fact that she was born without legs stop her from delivering “Mariah Carey realness.”
Photo: Aaron Young for Logo
Phi Phi, Kenya and Jiggly are deemed the winning group—mainly because they made the biggest, pinkest and most non-falling-apart chapeau. Piyah tries on the fabulous little thing before being carried away by the pit crew.
After the mini-challenge, Ru tells us that Phi Phi O’Hara and Kenya Michaels won the coin toss (though we never see any coins or tossing!) and are captains of Team Champion and Team Glamazon, respectively.
For the main challenge, the girls are tasked with making infomercials that sell two of RuPaul’s albums. Hmmm. I wasn’t feeling this premise. (It’s a bit heavy-handed with the self-promotion, no?) But I guess the fall from “World’s Trashiest Fighters” is a steep one.
At team selection, Madam LaQueer is picked last—again. Sure, she won the last main challenge, but who’s counting? Not her fellow contestants, apparently—when she walks over to join Kenya’s team, Kenya rejects her high-five. Dang, this is how angry Puerto Rican drag-queen fights get started. Time to brush up on my Spanish swear words.
During preparations, Milan takes the leadership role of Team Glamazon because she doesn’t think that Kenya’s English skills are up to the job. (Or maybe she was just jealous that her butterfly hat wasn’t chosen.) Phi Phi O’Hara didn’t exactly exude leadership either—just stress.
Milan makes the unfortunately timed error of calling on Whitney Houston, saying that RuPaul’s music taught her that “the greatest love of all is inside of me.” . I think this calls for a moment of silence.
Okay. We good now? Alright then.
The rest of the girls do their best to sell the CDs, but it just feels messy. Not that infomercials are a particularly high bar, but still.
Sharron Needles struggles to find her funny. Dida Ritz makes an obvious warm apple pie/sex joke. And then PhiPhi O’Hara molests a piñata.
Well, at least the main stage will be guaranteed fabulosity: RuPaul has the girls take a “spin down the runway in platinum and gold” and the guest judges are nine-time Grammy winner Natalie Cole and Glee star Amber Riley.
* Milan is introduced with a joke we’ve heard before: “London. Paris. Milan!”
* Sharron Needles is “serving Elvis and Elvira. She’s Elvirus! And it’s contagious.” Thanks, Ru. Only you could make germs sound sexy.
* The Princess struts out in a platinum hoodie that’s strikingly similar to what RuPaul is wearing. Yes, imitation may be a sincere form of flattery, but that doesn’t apply on the main stage.
* “There’s gold in them thar hills!” is the perfectly hilarious quote about Latrice’s ensemble.
RuPaul then plays the two groups’ infomercials. She was rather pleased with the performances, giving them a resounding “Dragnificent!” But, alas, they must still be judged. And even though everything made this seem like a team challenge, the queens are judged individually.
The top three:
The bottom three:
The only thing better than watching her win again is watching the cameras cut back to Phi Phi O’Hara over and over and over again; she is livid that a goth queen could do so well.
Madam LaQueer and her “it looks like fungus” outfit narrowly escape the bottom two, leaving Dida Ritz and The Princess to lip-synch for their lives. The song? “This Will Be” by Natalie Cole. (I’m sure that Amber Riley’s “Hell to the No” was a close second.)
Ladies and gentlemen, when Dida Ritz took that stage, she proved why it’s called “lip synch for your life.” It’s not lip synch for a vote. Or for a round of applause. Heck, not even called lip synch to win. It’s for your life!
And girl, Dida worked it. Chanté you stay.
Jason Sweeten doesn’t think there’s anything easy about “five easy payments of $19.99!”