RuPaul’s Drag Race Recap: “Let’s Get Ready To Jiggle!”

“Oooh, gurl! You’ve got She-Mail!”

Bring on those riddling ways, RuPaul. From that TV way-up-high-in-the-sky, Ru goes on about pumping up, necessary roughness, and “anything but the face!” Is this Drag Race or the Super Bowl? Hmm…

Ru appears in person to talk about the mini-challenge: massive ass creation! The pit crew rolls in with the kind of materials you’d expect to find in the backroom of a Kinko’s: Styrofoam egg crates, cotton wadding and packing peanut. The girls proceed to fight for supplies to make the biggest butt they can.

They break in to three different categories: “apple bottoms,” “ghetto booties,” and “the badonkadonks.” The girls werk it with their over-sized rumps and Madame LaQueer almost loses those pantalones. (Ack!)

Overall, it seems like the skinnier girls have an advantage; they don’t need as much material to make their ass planet-like. The winners are: Phi Phi O’Hara, Willam, and Chad Michaels!

It’s announced that the winners are team captains for the upcoming WTF: Wrestling’s Trashiest Fighters match (congrats, Logo on creating a perfect acronym). And what was I saying about an advantage? Forget it. Because according to Latreese, “I’m a big bitch. Who’s gonna out wrestle me? Nobody.”

Yup. No arguments here.

 

Our captains pick their teams gym-class style, leaving LaQueer until the end. And I don’t blame them—to be a good wrestler, keeping your pants up is probably a required skill.

They start planning out what’s going to happen for their wrestling challenges (like I’m sure happens on the real wrestling matches). Each of the three teams will have two “heels” (villains) fight two “faces” (heros).

Sure, this sounds like a nod to stilettos and makeup, but they’re real wrestling terms. Look at RuPaul, keeping her vocab all legit.

Willam brags that it’s going to be so easy because she’s had her “ass-kicked on every major network.” Every major network, really? Even Telemundo? You can only brag if you’ve been slapped on a telenovela. Lo siento.

The girls go to their practice ring and Phi Phi O’Hara does a great job of narrating, “I see three humungous dudes just… going at each other.”

During rehearsal, Lashauwn is so giggly she’s unable to be serious or angry—or even fall properly. But she is doing a good job of catching Kenya! Jiggly does what she does best: yell angrily. And Madame LaQueer tumbles. Did she do anything else? Nope? Okay then.

We watch the three teams perform their wrestling matches in front of the panel (that includes guest judges Rick Fox and John Salley), as well as a roaring crowd sign-wielding fans/extras.

Match One: L.A’s Finest vs. The Bitter Betties

The match sees Phi Phi and Lashauwn wrestling against Latreese and Kenya. The plot for their wrestle-drama? Phi Phi accidentally lets Kenya use some of her hair product, which causes Kenya’s hair to explode into a massive hairball. Fight! Fight! Fight!

During their match, most of the combat involves makeup brushes or powder puffs, and Kenya jumps around like a spider monkey. Just like the WWE, right?

Match Two: DWF’D vs. Thunder Booties

For her team’s intro, Jiggly throws furniture and yells at Willam and Dida Ritz. The Princess gives a dramatic… stare. Their wresting lacks any of makeup-brush weapons and The Princess gets knocked down after one kick. Oh, and Willam loses her shorts at the end.

Match Three: The Knockouts vs. The Bitch Kickers

Their intro scene is all about Sharron and Milan scratching themselves because Chad and LaQueer banged their boyfriends and gave them a bad case of… pubic itch? Not my favorite type of joke, but in the rink Sharron K.O.s LaQueer, by calling her “Kirstie Alley before Dancing With the Stars!” I have to say, LaQueer’s monster-on-a-chain look made this devilishly perfect.

With the wrestling over, the girls prep for the main stage. Jiggly stirs up drama because she isn’t sure about The Princess’s performance. Lashauwn and Latreese continue chatting (do these two ever separate?). LaQueer reveals that she isn’t close to her family, and Sharron drops a comforting line, “We’re selfish, vain, creatures of beauty. And isn’t it bizarre how we make the best friends in the world?”
I full expect to see that line on drag-queen birthday cards by the spring..