Twelve girls survived the RuPocalypse, bringing us to Episode Two. But it’s only sixty minutes long! Nooo! Well, Ru giveth, and Ru taketh away.
We start with a reminder of last week’s axed contestant; written in lipstick are the final words of Alisia “Proud Of Her Titties” Summers: Keep it cute, ladies! Shady sisters 4-ever!
Oh, elimination. It’s the price you pay for basing your drag around a pair of fire boobs (well, a pair of bad fire boobs).
Before Jiggly Caliente wipes the mirror clean, Phi Phi O’Hara asks if they can just “switch Jiggly for Alisa?” The queens raise their hands in agreement. And after Jiggly’s terrible ‘tude on last week’s Untucked, I would have been right there with them.
Latrice Royale tells Lashauwn Beyond that she’s been dubbed as “the silent killer.” I agree that Lashauwn flew under the radar last week, but I don’t think putting a massive headdress on your costume classifies as “silent” anything.
But was she killer? Totes!
Click through for our rundown of the whole episode!
Bring on those riddling ways, RuPaul. From that TV way-up-high-in-the-sky, Ru goes on about pumping up, necessary roughness, and “anything but the face!” Is this Drag Race or the Super Bowl? Hmm…
Ru appears in person to talk about the mini-challenge: massive ass creation! The pit crew rolls in with the kind of materials you’d expect to find in the backroom of a Kinko’s: Styrofoam egg crates, cotton wadding and packing peanut. The girls proceed to fight for supplies to make the biggest butt they can.
They break in to three different categories: “apple bottoms,” “ghetto booties,” and “the badonkadonks.” The girls werk it with their over-sized rumps and Madame LaQueer almost loses those pantalones. (Ack!)
Overall, it seems like the skinnier girls have an advantage; they don’t need as much material to make their ass planet-like. The winners are: Phi Phi O’Hara, Willam, and Chad Michaels!
It’s announced that the winners are team captains for the upcoming WTF: Wrestling’s Trashiest Fighters match (congrats, Logo on creating a perfect acronym). And what was I saying about an advantage? Forget it. Because according to Latreese, “I’m a big bitch. Who’s gonna out wrestle me? Nobody.”
Yup. No arguments here.
They start planning out what’s going to happen for their wrestling challenges (like I’m sure happens on the real wrestling matches). Each of the three teams will have two “heels” (villains) fight two “faces” (heros).
Willam brags that it’s going to be so easy because she’s had her “ass-kicked on every major network.” Every major network, really? Even Telemundo? You can only brag if you’ve been slapped on a telenovela. Lo siento.
The girls go to their practice ring and Phi Phi O’Hara does a great job of narrating, “I see three humungous dudes just… going at each other.”
During rehearsal, Lashauwn is so giggly she’s unable to be serious or angry—or even fall properly. But she is doing a good job of catching Kenya! Jiggly does what she does best: yell angrily. And Madame LaQueer tumbles. Did she do anything else? Nope? Okay then.
We watch the three teams perform their wrestling matches in front of the panel (that includes guest judges Rick Fox and John Salley), as well as a roaring crowd sign-wielding fans/extras.
Match One: L.A’s Finest vs. The Bitter Betties
The match sees Phi Phi and Lashauwn wrestling against Latreese and Kenya. The plot for their wrestle-drama? Phi Phi accidentally lets Kenya use some of her hair product, which causes Kenya’s hair to explode into a massive hairball. Fight! Fight! Fight!
During their match, most of the combat involves makeup brushes or powder puffs, and Kenya jumps around like a spider monkey. Just like the WWE, right?
For her team’s intro, Jiggly throws furniture and yells at Willam and Dida Ritz. The Princess gives a dramatic… stare. Their wresting lacks any of makeup-brush weapons and The Princess gets knocked down after one kick. Oh, and Willam loses her shorts at the end.
Match Three: The Knockouts vs. The Bitch Kickers
Their intro scene is all about Sharron and Milan scratching themselves because Chad and LaQueer banged their boyfriends and gave them a bad case of… pubic itch? Not my favorite type of joke, but in the rink Sharron K.O.s LaQueer, by calling her “Kirstie Alley before Dancing With the Stars!” I have to say, LaQueer’s monster-on-a-chain look made this devilishly perfect.
With the wrestling over, the girls prep for the main stage. Jiggly stirs up drama because she isn’t sure about The Princess’s performance. Lashauwn and Latreese continue chatting (do these two ever separate?). LaQueer reveals that she isn’t close to her family, and Sharron drops a comforting line, “We’re selfish, vain, creatures of beauty. And isn’t it bizarre how we make the best friends in the world?”
I full expect to see that line on drag-queen birthday cards by the spring..
To counterbalance the toughness of their WTF wrestling, RuPaul has the girls flaunt their best girly-girl attire.
* Kenya comes out as a rather perfect Nicki Minaj. Those doll motions will give me night terrors for about three years. Thanks.
* Lashauwn struts out in a playful bubblegum dress (and her plastic balls are perfect for a few good puns).
* Sharron Needles is a letdown. Cute. Simple. Not a zombie. Sigh.
* Jiggly Caliente comes out with another lollipop. Seriously gurl, how many of those do you have?
* Dida Ritz channels Carrie Bradshaw—if Carrie were mauled by a duvet.
*Apparently The Princess’s definition of “girly girl” is windblown rock star.
* Phi Phi’s walks with “legs like peanut butter. Easy to spread.”
RuPual starts by revealing the winning wrestling team:Chad Michaels and The Knockouts! I believe they deserved it, if mostly because LaQueer powered through. Michaels and LaQueer win as individuals, receiving a collection of wigs. Oh Ru, you always know what a girl needs.
As part of the winning team, Sharron and Chad are also allowed to leave the stage. Following the critique, Kenya, Latrice, and Phi Phi receive high marks. Doubts rise about Jiggly, though. “Is there more than a queen from the hood?” But, alas, she is safe this time. And even though Dida Ritz’s Sex and The City outfit “did not deserve a squeal,” she inches past—allowing her oversized ribbon to live another day. Willam is also safe, managing to make saying “bye” sound bitchy (I think she has a gift for this).
So the two girls who must lipsynch for their lives are… Lashauwn Beyond and the Princess!
“Bad Girls” by Donna Summer was the lip-synch song. And Lashauwn starts by… taking off her heels? What? This isn’t some germaphobe grandma’s house, girl—this is RuPaul’s stage. And you do not remove a shoe unless it’s by an accidental high-kick. Okay, gurl? Anyway, they start lip-synching and… Lashauwn loses. (Um, duh!)
Even if Lashauwn hadn’t made such terrible error, The Princess still would have stayed safe. Girl did a nice little number. To quote Michelle Visage’s necklace, “WERK.”
Next week: The girls take on an infomercial challenge. I’ll start brushing up on my ShamWow trivia.
Jason Sweeten is a writer who tries to not f$%# it up.