“RuPaul’s Drag Race” Recap Realness: Bring Back My Girls

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Look, no one wants to recap a reunion show, which is essentially an hour of asking each contestant to write her own recap. It’ll end up having more layers than Inception and references as dated as an Inception joke. Instead, let’s think about what might have been. In some ways, this is the best of all the Drag Race finales in that it contains real drama, real redemption, and a real champion, while later seasons were marred by manufactured tension and a staged announcement of the “winner.” But even when things are good, they can get better. Here are five ways we could have milked the most out of this broadcast.

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1. Porkchop serves high fashion
Remember when Penny Tration wowed the crowd by dressing like a future burlesque runway clown for the Season 5 reunion? What if Victoria Parker had avenged her early dismissal by demolishing her competitors with a conceptual couture look? Not that her presentation wasn’t delightful, but the sound of all those jaws hitting the floor would have been mighty satisfying.

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2. Jade whips it out
Ru’s right. We want to know how big it is.

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3. No one forgives Rebecca Glasscock
Hugging and making up is swell, but there’s nothing like watching a sour shademonster get what she deserves. She said herself she wasn’t in it to make friends. Why make the effort if she’s blatantly not? The worst, most vindictive parts of me just want to see someone snatch her wig.

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4. Ru crowns Nina
I’m not saying we have to take Bebe’s title away. But come on: Nina Flowers was on fire this whole season, and it’s not fair in the slightest that she walks away empty-handed. Twice, if we count All Stars. In a perfect world, this daring diva would be drowning in dinero.

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5. The Season 6 cast gets announced
February? You’re making me wait until February for the next season? Did I wear pleated pants in a previous life? What have I done to deserve this? So far, all Logo has released is a two-second clip of RuPaul lying on the floor like Akashia on the runway. There are a lot of holidays between now and February, and the only thing keeping me from slapping my family members full in the face is queens in fun outfits. You got that, Ms. Charles? Outfits.

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