The publishing industry is dying. Crashing. Simply by reading this blog post, you are single-handedly diminishing the circulation of Field & Stream magazine by 3%. But this week, our girls will attempt to save print media by launching their own dragazines.
It’s the type of episode that, as Dida Ritz explains, “separates the intellectual people from the not-so-intellectual people.” And gurl, we start with one of my favorite mini-challenges: It’s time to read some bitches because the library is open!
Sorry, I mean #TheLibraryIsOpen. #HowManyHashtagsCanOneShowHave #SoManyHashtags #HashtagDigitalMarketing
The girls don neon reading glasses and throw their best shade:
* Dida acts shy and awkward but does a passable job, “Jiggly Caliente, you should feel honored. The first contestant in RuPaul’s Drag Race history with child.”
* Jiggly just reuses a joke, “Chad, it’s called Forever 21, not Forever 41.”
* Phi Phi is a stammering disaster, and she manages to compliment Jiggly by “mistakenly” calling her Jujubee.
* Willam reads Chad Michaels for still being on MySpace. And yes, I went looking for her page. And no, I couldn’t find it. (Methinks she took it down because of this incident.) But her current site was built with flash and blasts music upon opening—just as bad as MySpace.
* Latrice Royale continues her staggering command of acronyms by calling Jiggly, “BMW: Body Made Wrong.”
* Chad Michaels threw decent shade, “Jiggly, I love you. Come to Mother Dust, I won’t hurt you. Here’s my dentist’s card—use it.”
* Sharon Needles wins for giving my favorite line, “Jiggly Caliente, you’re such a fat slut, after sex you smoke hams.” But it’s apparently a line from Latter Days. Sigh. Can I un-learn this information? I love the line so much.
For the main challenge, our girls become media moguls and create their own dragazines. It’s strikingly similar to a challenge from Season Two in which they had to concept their autobiographies. (Anyone recall
Tyra Sanchez’s succinctly titled classic, The Woman in Me: A Guide to Letting Go of the Past, Accepting the Present and Looking Forward to a Better Future?).
Mini-challenge winner Latrice assigns the titles, and they range from Sugar Walls (interior design) and Tastes Like Chicken (food) to Kitty Cat (cat lovers). The girls have to think of article titles, plan their photo shoot and create a layout on poster board.
Sure, they would eventually hand over their sketches to a graphic designer, but I’m living for the day the producers put the queens in front of InDesign, and we watch as they curse the Adobe gods for not knowing the difference between the Selection Tool and the Direct Selection Tool. Ha! Creative Suite humor, anyone? Anyone? Anyone?
Fine.
So they had this cute photographer (above). Every queen who came into the studio almost walked into the wall after being distracted by his attractiveness/shining sternum. And condragulations to Sharon for reading our minds when she met him, “Have you done porn? You should really consider it.”
During the shoot, Dida bitches about having to pose with a giant plate of fried chicken. And while I understand the frustration with being assigned Tastes Like Chicken, she didn’t have to literally pose with chicken.
You know what tastes like chicken? Everything.
Sharon channels her inner crazy cat lady by dolling up like Little Edie and trying to mount a scratching post. It almost works, but you hear a nervous producer yelling at her from off-camera, “Whoa, Sharon! I need you to climb down from that.”
It was like watching a parent spoil his child’s dangerous yet vivid imagination. Just let Sharon play! Even if she breaks a leg, her runway will still be better than most.
Willam starts with a half-decent concept for her interior décor magazine: stripped-down design. But she has the pit crew wear lampshade hats (which is more coverage than they usually have.)
Then, she gets naked and jumps around. I guess her publication would be sold in a black wrapper?
During the prep for the main stage, Jiggly gets defensive about not going for comedy for his Battle of the Bulge cover. Why? There’s more to him than just being goofy! He scored 1240 on his SATs! He’s smart!
He’s so smart he forgot the SAT changed their grading scale—1240 is now what you get for correctly filling in your name.
Phi Phi continues to bash Texas for being a place where gays can’t “hold hands, kiss, or look at each other without being called a faggot.” Is that the same Texas where the capital city just named March 8 “Leslie Cochran Day” in honor of its beloved, cross-dressing homeless citizen?
The topic switches to gay marriage, and Latrice takes the controversial stance that it shouldn’t be called marriage—it should be called something more fabulous. Please. I usually agree with her wisdom, but I don’t think “Fabulously Forever” or “Domestic Divas” is going to help us reach equality.
For the main stage, the girls present “glossy glamour looks” with Southland’s Regina King and country legend Pam Tillis as the guest judges.
Here’s the rundown:
* Sharon Needles gives us a taste of elegance that’s “black and white and fierce all over.”
* Dida Ritz wears another glittery outfit with hair that’s still not big enough. And then she awkwardly zigzags during her runway; “a strategic walk so a sniper can’t hit her.” Thank you Ru… 10 out of 10 for that one.
* Chad Michaels serves us danger—short hair and darker makeup!
* According to Santino, Latrice’s outfit looks like “a couch from Rent-a-Center.” That’s not fair. She gave us at least Crate and Barrel Outlet.
* Willam serves up sparkly, pink, and… five o’clock shadow. Please, stop the presses and get home girl some proper paint.
* Jiggly wears another prom dress (did she just buy the same thing in twelve colors?).
* Phi Phi gives us fierce… proportions? Thanks Santino, you’re full of insightful commentary tonight.
How about we take this to the next level?
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Top two:
Sharon Needles
Phi Phi O’Hara
Bottom three:
Willam
Latrice Royale
Jiggly Caliente
Phi Phi gets snaps for pulling off a professional looking travel magazine that highlights slutty words like “bathhouse,” “69” and “virginity.”
Perhaps it was low-hanging fruit, but the judges preferred it to Sharon’s equally puntastic cover about loving pussies.
Yes, you’re following correctly. Phi Phi won the main challenge. I’m sure that her home state is going to secede in protest.
While that shock is still registering, Ru releases Dida, Chad, and Latrice.
Oh, Willam. How the cocky have fallen. But the icing on this slice of humble pie? (I know. Sorry. I’m mixing food
idioms for no apparent reason.) Regina King describes Willam as robotic for never changing her expression, and then they cut back and forth to a frozen-faced Willam three times.
Thanks mister/miss editor for being especially thorough tonight.
Jiggly, once again, is in the bottom two. The lip-synch song is Pam Tillis’ “My Vida Loca.” If you’re not familiar with the tune—well, you and Miss Caliente would have that in common. Her determination to “not let this skinny Botox bitch send my ass home” results in a performance that’s overly energetic yet uncomfortably static. Her arms sure moved…but not much else.
Oh, and they have to blur Willam again. While she’s prancing about and picking up imaginary coins, she flashes the judges about five and half times. Her forgetting to wear panties isn’t much of a shock; we’ve grown used to this nakedness. Now, it’s just expected. Call me when she wears a turtleneck and slacks.
Anyway, Willam’s lip-synch is solid, even earning a compliment from Sharon. Chanté, you stay. And that means Jiggly sashays away.
So Queerty, what did y’all think? How shady was it that Phi Phi steered Jiggly towards the serious route? Is Oprah jealous that she didn’t think of Chicken of the Month? Do you eat watermelon in public? Also, I call dibs on Are You Smarter Than a Jiggly Caliente?
Sound off below!
Next Week: The episode is titled Frenemies. And Phi Phi gets paired with Sharon. And there’s a lie detector challenge. And Pamela Anderson guest judges. And thank you thank you thank you thank you.
Jason Sweeten is starting a program to teach proper reading in school.
Mark
Latrice Royale and Sharon Needles are just naturally funny whether in or out of drag. Willam and PhiPhi are painfully bad actors, and I don’t hate them (good for you for being the evil bitch Phi and using Jiggly) but her trying to be funny throwing shade was so cringe worthy and Sharon really stole her thunder (“You need to go to Party City!” -no laugh. “I know, that’s where I got your Gaga wig.” – everybody screams.)
Mark
When you think about it, PhiPhi is at her best when she’s not trying to be funny on demand. She flops every time. But her “Yes Jiggly you must be serious” and then “I just told that fool to be serious, let’s help her pack.”. Now that’s gold.
Abejabi
Disappointed that Latrice doesn’t understand marriage equality. That brought her down a few notches in my estimation.
Curtis
oooooh, Willam honey.. You got READ for your make up malfunctions.
Listen to Sharon! (and everyone else)
Also, Latrice you WERK!
“Take your hat off bitch, your balding, bitch”
Love it! Santos aint got nothing on you 🙂
Jiggly: Thats it, I quit! (again)
lmao no need hun.
Chris
I don’t see this shadow on William! Maybe because I don’t have HD, but I’ve never noticed it. Anyway, I’m excited for the next episode – the cream of the crop remains. I can’t say I wish Phi Phi well after this sabotage and her bad reading…
DenverBarbie
When Sharon asked the photographer if he had done porn, he responded that he had some time ago. My friends and I spent the next five minutes googling his name on our smart phones with no results.
So, someone really ought to beat me at my “Queen of Google” game. It’s just not fair to let those videos float around the SiliconSphere when that body should be in a museum.
DenverBarbie
Though, rewatching the episode now (much more interesting than work), he might have been joking. That’s a real shame.
QJ201
I am SHOCKED that Chad Michaels didn’t repeat a line I learned from her drag mother Hunter.
It’s called “Cover Girl,” NOT “Cover Boy.”
condeguy
so santino was the balding biatch. 5Gs!! team latrice!
condeguy
@Curtis: so santino was the balding biatch. 5Gs!! team latrice!
Full story here: http://www.queerty.com/rupauls-drag-race-recap-shade-comes-from-reading-magazines-20120313/#ixzz1p23pTaYU
condeguy
@condeguy: but only on untucked!
zephyr with a Z
Willam’s problem with applying her makeup was summed up nicely by Sharon during the Untucked…something along the lines of “you wear designer clothes and shoes, and you think you can get away with a foundation that would make a woman’s face sparkle. But you really need to go buy some Duncan Hines!” That was funny. It’s been pretty obvious all season, whatever the color scheme is from her cheeks up but then almost pale white around her mouth, especially under the lights and on the runway. Maybe she really does think she’s on SITC.
Who cares about Phi Phi acting shadily towards Jiggly, I have a feeling Jiggly would have wanted to do the serious interpretation anyway. I have never seen Ru so emphatic during her walk-throughs, she literally took Jiggly’s arm and asked her to reconsider. But, no. I hope that for acting so bitchy, Phi Phi has some karma heading her way. I still think the final three will be Latrice, Sharon and Chad, but it does seem like most of the ones Carmen would have called the “boogers” are gone now.
This article was written and proofed very well, Jason – kudos! (Come visit me if you want a present ;-0) The only thing I noticed was the same thing Ru got wrong, the name of Pam Tillis’ song is “Mi Vida Loca”, not “My Vida Loca”. I was a little surprised Pam didn’t correct her, or maybe Ru didn’t let her. She can be a pushy bitch, can’t she? I am still waiting for an episode that brings somebody back, or maybe something like the one last season when Yara and Carmen both got to stay after lip-synching “Mickey” in Spanish. Otherwise, if I remember my subtraction from elementary school, there are only four episodes left, not counting the recap.
MiguelaShantay
Ok Phi Phi was being mad shady yesterday, and it really sucks for Jiggly since, by the looks of it, she really trusted Phi Phi and her opinion. But anyways…..I’m so over Willam having to mention how many shows she’s been in! Ok bitch, S&TC ended 8 years ago, but whatever. I think it’ll either be her or Dida that goes next.
And can anyone tell me how to get the photographers hair?! I’ve been dying for hair like that since forever but every time I try and get it done it always ends up looking like a mullet that’s been run through the dishwasher :'(
goodpa
Adobe Gods?
BAHAHAHAHAHHA!
stevoj
“Next Week: The episode is titled Frenemies. And Phi Phi gets paired with Sharon. And there’s a lie detector challenge. And Pamela Anderson guest judges. And thank you thank you thank you thank you.”
no Jason, thank you thank you thank you thank you
babo
@miguelashantay: I want hair like him too! I am actually growing it so it “looks” like that…but my hair is so damn wavy. the american crew site has some good pointers.
stevoj
so i just watched untucked and all i could think of was “why is Phi Phi such a bad person?”
it’s cool she steered Jiggly the wrong way, it’s a competition… shocker
my heart broke though when Jiggly was trying to be open and honest and Phi Phi had the NERVE to sit there and act as if 1) she genuinely gave a shit about someone else 2) she hadn’t blatantly tried/succeeded in sabotaging the gurl and 3) is some great person of character who “fights” hard for what she wants
during that whole backstage conversation she should have just shut her damn mouth and sipped her drink
i agreed completely with Regina King when she said that she felt the only reason Phi Phi’s mag looked good was because everyone else did terrible. this chick has a poor attitude, she paints like an old lady, AND she has no talent. she’s not funny, she doesn’t take criticism well, and acts as if she’s God’s gift to this competition
Willam may be a bitch but at least she backs it up!?!
i don’t know about this Phi Phi chick. it’s clear she’s the villain this season and i don’t think the producers/editors had anything to do with it
she needs to go
Josh in OR
If Phi Phi really DOES win, as I heard rumors that she would, I’m done with this show. The last two seasons had winners who were not HALF the queen some of their competition was, and Phi Phi is in the same boat: reasonably pretty, but without a personality and without any of the humor, skill or energy that it takes to be a real Drag Superstar. That said, I will not be surprised to see her make it all the way to the end, simply for the cunt drama (not C.U.N.T, mind you) that she brings to the show…shrill, unlikeable-ass wannabe…