START YOUR ENGINES!

RuPaul’s Drag Race Recap: What to Expect When You’re Expecting

During burlesque rehearsal, all of the DILFs—cue surprised face!—struggle with their routines and walking in heels. Sharon’s partner has an especially tough time with the choreography, causing Needles to fall on the floor and moan, “I have created [a] routine that Helen Keller could do on the first try!” Kenya’s partner follows along well enough, but he just looks damn miserable.

When we make it to the runway, we meet our guest judges: Ghost Whisperer extraordinaire Jennifer Love Hewitt and Modern Family’s Jesse Tyler Ferguson.

The strip teases are a disaster. I think? Or maybe they are brilliant? Tiny snippets of each routine are edited together to form this burlesque Frankenstein, so we don’t see anyone’s full act. But based on the given 2.3 seconds for each one, I’m pretty sure Phi Phi and Chad do well. The rest seem… well, maybe the editors were doing us a favor.

For the main stage, it’s a baby-bump parade, which is my new favorite kind of parade. Because instead of them throwing beads or candy, they’re throwing “carnival pregnancy realness.” Yup. You think you’ve been served every possible type of realness, and then Chad Michaels serves you carnival… pregnancy… realness.

Chad Michaels, never stop being Chad Michaels. That is all.

Latrice Royale and her partner look so mismatched that it seems intentional. Sharon… gets through it. Phi Phi and her DILF make teen pregnancy look like adorable, neon fun time. But the happiness is almost instantly stomped out when Kenya Michaels and her DILF serve the most unnecessarily sad runway in the history of runways. Is “pre-partum depression realness” in the Drag Race realness lexicon?

Because we just witnessed it.