Actor Russell Tovey has opened up about his relationship with his father. The actor says that just after his coming out, his dad tried to cure his gayness using hormone therapy.
The Years and Years star and his mother Carole sat down with the UK paper The Sunday Times to discuss coming out, and his father’s reaction to it.
“I don’t think either of my parents were homophobic,” Tovey says, “they just didn’t know any gay people or anyone with gay kids. They had nothing to cling to.”
Related: Do you need a little more Russell Tovey in your life?
“My dad thought it could be cured,” he then added. “He was scared about what my life would be like. To him, being gay was a road of pitfalls and unhappiness; out of love he wanted to correct this weakness, to put cotton wool around me and protect me from all that. People react in different ways, there’s no rhyme or reason, but if you love someone you have to respect the process.”
“George had a hard time with it,” Tovey’s mother, Carole, admits. “It took him about three years to come to terms with it. I think it was to do with pride, his idea of what makes you a man. He thought we’d somehow made Russell gay. ‘We’ll get him hormone treatment.’ He found it hard to see that Russ was happy and we had to accept it.”
The scientific community generally agrees that conversation therapy or other attempts to change sexual orientation are both ineffective and harmful to the subject.
Fortunately, Tovey’s dad eventually came around, and without Russell having to take hormone shots. Now 39, the actor enjoys a successful career as well as a happy partnership with longtime boyfriend, rugby coach Steve Brockman.
DarkZephyr
I can’t believe the simpering excuses he’s making for his father, though I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised at all. This is the same father he was so grateful to for not letting him go to a dance school so he didn’t end up being a “prancing” and “really effeminate” gay. Ugh. Just when I was finally starting to be able to stand this guy.
Donston
It’s okay to forgive your parents. He has every right to do so. But he does seem rather nonchalant about this topic. His father was considering doing some rather radical, inhumane stuff. Yet, he speaks about it like it were a brief period of not getting along or a couple arguments. And then he claims his parents were never “homophobic”, just looking out for Hmm.
Russell is definitely a prime example of queers getting caught up in “toxic masculinity”. There’s a willingness unabashedly embrace being into their sex, but there’s still self-consciousness and insecurities when it comes to manhood and sociological perception. He’s also helps justify people coming at “white gays/bi’s/queers/whatever”. There is sometimes an unwillingness to embrace how diverse and individual people are. It’s just about establishing your own sense of self, your space and your “pride”. He’s not the most egregious of the bunch. But there’s definitely been a good amount of micro-aggressions throughout the years.
Donston
I also have lil doubt that even though his father didn’t go through with the hormones, there’s still residual trauma. It’s like he’s always constantly try to show his father (and everyone else), “I might be “gay”, but I’m more of a “real man” than most dudes”. I don’t resent him though. With all the social and psychological shit many “queers” contend with throughout their lives, it’s hard not to have some hang-ups and not to be a constant “pick me” seeking validation.
Monkey1
Donston, why are you so convinced that Russell is still suffering? A lot of really bad things happen to a lot of people who don’t dwell on it once it’s been resolved. Good for him for getting past it and having a relationship with his parents… and good on them for getting over it too. This seems like a perfectly healthy resolution to me, and please stop it with the “toxic masculinity” stuff, there is no such thing.
Donston
Typically, the guys who say “toxic masculinity” isn’t a thing are the ones who indulge and promote it. They try to equate calling out “toxic masculinity” as an attack on all masculinity, which is a lame diversion. Truly masculine guys who are secure in themselves don’t indulge the mess. Y’all are fine being “pick me” queers. I think it’s lame and, yes, frequently toxic. And I know what it looks and sounds like since I used to be a “pick me ‘queer” who indulged an extent of toxic masculinity. Don’t be mad because folks call it out.
Pick Me Queers: constantly looking to excuse and dismiss people’s homophobia and prejudice (especially if it comes from an attractive “straight” guy). Usually fine with being seen as second-class (once again, especially if it comes from someone you’re attracted to). Willing to give unnecessary praise to “straight” people just for being halfway decent people. Constantly looking for validation from the “straight world”. If you’re out but not homo then there is often an obsession with constantly establishing that you’re “not ‘gay” rather than just being yourself.
Toxic Masculinity: an obsession with “proving” your masculinity and constantly looking to establish it. Indulging fem-shaming or seeing overtly camp/effeminate/“queer” males as beneath you. Easily triggered and offended by someone calling out whatever effeminate or “queer” traits you might have. Obsessed with separating yourself from “stereotypical ‘gays”.
Many who post here fit into one or both of those categories. It’s so common that a lot of people don’t realize that they still have these hang-ups. But as I said, I don’t really resent people for it. I just try to make them aware. There’s still a lot of work to be done. And I accept that sociology, ego, general psychology, traumas, where people are in the gender, romantic, sexual, emotional investment, commitment spectrum- it affects us all differently. I don’t expect everyone to act the same. I just like to make people aware of certain patterns. But folks don’t like to be told about themselves.
Monkey1
Donston, you said “I just like to make people aware of certain patterns. But folks don’t like to be told about themselves.” What makes you an expert on other people? Especially those you haven’t met? And what if those people who don’t agree with you just want you to become aware of certain patterns and you don’t like to be told about yourself? You’re in a no-win situation. You can’t analyze people to death, people are who they are and someone is sentitive to something they have to live with it or get over it. People in society shouldn’t have to approach someone and say “ok, can you give me a list of your triggers and sensitivities before I proceed talking with you because I don’t want any adverse reactions.” The only person resonsible for their behaviour is themselves.
Donston
Well, then they can get off of the internet. I’mma call out stuff. Period.
I’m not going all over the internet bashing anyone. I’m not going on people’s social media accounts or anything like that. I try not to be hateful, dismissive, incendiary or sensationalistic (like so many in these comment sections). I am generally sympathetic. And I’m generally forgiving of people who own up to their shit. I’m merely commenting in the comment section of a “queer publication”. Things like “pick me gays/queers” and “toxic masculinity” have been widely discussed and defined. If you’re truly interested in “getting” a lot of stuff and understanding the problems people have with certain things, you only have to do a bit of research that isn’t just about validating yourself. It’s pretty much everywhere. I have no problem with you disagreeing with me. But I’m going to make my points, call out the problematic shit, call out the patterns and talk about all the dimensions of people. That’s not gonna stop.
DarkZephyr
@Donston
I agree that its fine for him to forgive his father and have a nice relationship with him now. I think that’s great. My issue is with his excuses for the past behavior. “I don’t think they were homophobic” (of course they were, regardless of the reasons for it) and his Dad “lovingly” wanted to subject him to dangerous and potentially harmful hormone therapy in an attempt to alter an innate and immutable trait of his that is fundamental to who he is as a human being? The “lovingly” descriptor for it makes me want to hurl.
I get the desire for acceptance and validation from your own father, I have felt it myself, but that is ridiculous and rather slavish if you ask me. He should be able to forgive his father and welcome his father’s and mother’s new acceptance without pretending everything they did prior was guilded in gold.
It took my own father 20 years to accept my sexuality but now that he has I have forgiven him, have eagerly embraced him and we both love each other dearly (he has become super pro-LGBT these days), but I am absolutely not going to make excuses for the fact that it took two decades to happen or try to justify many of the hateful things he occasionally said to me during those two decades. What I will say is that it is in the past and I have moved on and am glad that my Dad has come around.
Cam
So he wasn’t given hormones? Then the headline is off isn’t it?
SFMike
You guys are the toxic ones being hateful just because he’s trying to come to terms with his parents in a non-aggressive and loving way. Trying to see others insecurities and reasoning for being wrong and hurtful in the past shouldn’t be trivialized. It’s his story and feelings and he can tell it anyway he wants.
Cam
3 years of the father not accepting him including what would have been abuse by forcing hormones on him that could have damaged his health?
If a parent had raped or beaten a child people wouldn’t be attacking others for being upset at the facts of the case, but as always, when it comes to homophobia our community is too willing to treat bigotry and hate the same as a differing opinion on whether the toilet paper should hang from the top or bottom.
James
HA HA HA HA HA. THE ONLY THING RUSSELL TOVEY CARES ABOUT IS RUSSELL TOVEY.
YAWN.
glennmcbride
“Conversation therapy” – never heard of conversation therapy. Someone talks your ear off and you relent and stop being gay – is that how it works?
Den
Seems like a pretty decent and together guy to me.
His instagram is nowhere the self-absorbed messes of so many gay actors and celebrities (or straight ones for that matter), he is very active in the fine arts community and is always showcasing the work of female artists, gay artists and minority artists, as well as having a weekly podcast on the arts.
Labeling him as “toxically masculine” seems rather a rather shallow understanding of who he is. And though you might want him to be hostile to his parents for mistakes they made, that is not your call to make nor are you privy to who they are beyond your superficial understanding.
Essie
Hormones? I thought hormones were to make you more femme. What do I know? Nothing, apparently.
I do agree with those who are saying that Russell is trying to come to terms with his father and try to love him. I think that’s nice. Many gays who have come out have completely lost either one or both parents so it’s nice to see he loves his father enough to forgive.
P.S.: I don’t know who Russell Tovey is . . . .
EddieB
Thank you SF Mike. He can react to his parents reaction any way he wants That doesn’t make him any less gay or any less of a man. Did everyone on this thread have parents who immediately accepted them? Or, if they didn’t, did they reject their parents forever or tell everyone year after year, how awful they were and how you had to set them straight? (so to speak.) Sounds exhausting.
Donston
I really don’t care about his relationship with his parents and what he chose to forgive or not forgive. Couldn’t care less about that. That’s his business and his life. However, he has chosen to publicly speak on to. I do think as a public figure you need to be more self-aware. This is a rather dark story and mirrors a lot of other people’s traumas. And not only does he not at all take his parents to task, he also speaks about it rather flippantly.
And yeah, the dude has said a couple of rather fem-phobic/fem-panic things. It may not make a difference to you. But he has said these things publicly.
The issue is probably a lack of self-awareness and how multiple things are perceived.
Durwood
My parents totally accepted my coming out, in a kind of ‘you may be a serial killer but you’re still our boy’ sort of way.
James
I have never liked this stupid moron since thanking his father “for not letting him go to a dance school so he didn’t end up being a “prancing” and “really effeminate” gay.”
HE IS AN IDIOT. WHO CARES ABOUT HIS STUPID USELESS SELF CENTERED LIFE. I HATE HIM.
KyleMichelSullivan
Russell is who he is. He needs no one’s permission to live his life as he chooses. If you don’t like him, don’t read about him. If you don’t care about him, why are you coming onto the comments section to bitch about him? That suggests a certain fixation, be it from jealousy or anger or just a simple wish to shove every gay man into a box you approve of. That’s sad.
I like Russell. Have since he played a werewolf in Being Human. He also has excellent discussions about art on his Twitter feed and Instagram. If he’s glad he didn’t turn out effeminate, so what? It’s his life, not yours, and it’s a serous stretch to see that as fem-bashing. He’s smart, articulate, and successful. And FWIW, he can have any kind of relationship he wants with his parents.
Donston
This is actually the first time I’ve ever commented on anything having to do with Russell on the internet. And I doubt I’ll comment in any more of his articles. So, no ones “fixated” with him, or at least I’m not. Don’t pull stuff out of your ass just to make it easier to dismiss someone’s viewpoint.
I don’t care how Russell lives his life. I don’t even dislike Russell. Not everything is about liking or not liking somebody. When you’re a public figure who makes public comments that are questionable/problematic in whatever ways, people are going to call out those comments. However, no one is stopping you from continuing to have a hard-on for him.
Cam
Except his comments could be seen to be normalizing the type of bigotry and hatred that causes so many LGBTQ kids to be abused.
It’s interesting that just because you like some show he was on you feel the need to act as if someone attacked a personal friend.