Some gays would be thrilled to match with a smokeshow on a dating app, but not the Reddit user who revealed earlier this month that excessive hotness is actually a turn-off. “Sometimes I’ll be on dating apps (Grindr, Tinder, Hinge) and I’ll swipe left or not reply to a guy because they’re too hot,” he wrote in a January 6 post. “Anyone do the same?”
The guy said that he’s “reasonably attractive,” and since “obviously, we all make the best of ourselves on dating apps,” he’ll get the occasional outreach from a “really hot” potential match. “And quite often I don’t get back to them, even if I think they’re stunning,” he added.
By this guy’s estimation, the rationales behind this left-swiping habit of his are fourfold: “Sometimes, they’re so hot, I just presume they’re a catfish. Sometimes, I think they’re out of my league and don’t fancy getting rejected in person. Sometimes, especially on serious dating apps, I wonder if I’d want to be with someone who’s objectively hotter than me. And sometimes, on Grindr, I just can’t be bothered hooking up with someone really hot. It means I’ve got to make a massive effort, and I’d rather keep it low-key.”
Related: 10 easy ways to get the best experience out of dating apps
As of the time of this writing, the post is 96% upvoted, with 118 comments, many of which come from like-minded fellows.
“+1 to the catfishing,” one commenter wrote. “There’s no way a dude that hot lives here, LMAO.”
“Even if they aren’t catfishes (which they often are), I’m just not attracted to near-perfect-looking people,” said another Reddit user. “I like regular-looking guys, I like characters, I like personalities, I like guys with interesting features. [I] may be generalizing a bit, but a lot of exceptionally good-looking guys tend to know it and have the attitude to match, which I’m just not into.”
A third user wrote: “For me, I’m not impressed by the hottest guys with the gym bod! I like regular-looking, guy-next-door types!”
Related: What’s it like to be an “average looking” gay man?
And someone else said, “There are hot guys I swipe left on because they’re clearly too aware of their looks or present themselves like narcissistic Instagays.”
One dissenting vote, however, came from a Redditor who told the other r/askgaybros users that he had an “amazing romance” with a gorgeous guy who seemed like a “total narcissistic Instagay” on Tinder. “My main point here is that you never know who will be attracted to you, and not everyone that portrays themselves as a stuck-up Insta-model is actually like that in real life,” he wrote. “Take the chance and swipe right/talk to the guy. You never know—at the very least, you could end up smashing an absolute 10 for a few months, like me.”
Another commenter also swipes right on hot guys. “I always believe I can get the person I want,” that person wrote. “Doesn’t always work out. Some of the hottest are the worst people and shitty in bed. Regular, handsome, honest, humble [men] who [don’t] think they are perfect is best for me.”
And when he noticed his post was sparking a lively conversation online, the original Redditor shared “really cool” words of wisdom he found on New Yorker writer Helen Rosner’s Twitter page: “Sure, everyone’s body is beautiful, but a much more liberating realization is that, also, everyone’s body is disgusting.”
Jim
Yeah A guy with a really great pic is probably catfishing but I send a note to see how they respond. Then it becomes obvious if they are cat fishing
BigJohnSF
I think this shows that guys hooking up on line are maybe/probably auditioning husbands. Kinda sweet, but too bad for the beauties.
barryaksarben
oh I wouldnt feel too bad for the beautiful.
emarell9
Can’t say whether some observations from the pre-digital days of yore – the 1970s, aka The Sexual Revolution, aka The Disco Era – could be relevant. But: while I wasn’t the worst-looking boy on the block, my dates/hookups were pretty much always 9s and 10s. How so? I’d walk up and say hello. That’s it. That’s the big secret – those men were a little lonesome too. Fearing rejection, almost no one would talk to them. After 10 minutes they would have experienced more human interaction than in the previous week. Truth be told, that’s what everyone was looking for.
winemaker
Interesting responses to say the least. On that note, at a bar or other gay venue, how many of us were afraid to go up to men we thought were hot for fear of rejection, we obsessed on what to say and were worried we’d stick our foot in our mouth and make a fool of our self and then when we got up the guts and approached so called mr. hot, they turned out to be total ass wipes, had shitty personalities, everything’s all about them, they were aloof and gave you attitude? Then you made your decision, either tolerate his rudeness or politely bow out and count your blessings you dodged a bullet. Occasionally mr. hot was nice had a nice personality and could actually carry on a conversation. The meat market hasn’t really changed, it’s just left the bars and gone on line and become more shallow and superficial thus relieving you of the anxiety of in person rejection, sad it’s come to this.
sceunazhel
thank you for sharing!
MISTERJETT
probably because he feels that things aren’t what they seem, and he could be right.
moviemag
Well, I finally know why I don’t get much response on dating websites…I’m just too beautiful! That, and I’m not on any of them…
barryaksarben
In my youth waay back in the late 70s early 80s my friends were amazed at how I was never intimidated to talk to anyone no matter how beautiful because I knew many of them wanted to talk to someone and it may as well be me. However, there was one very significant exception. I started a gay basketball team IN Seattle after the the next gay games were announced for Vancover. I had rented a court for three weeks with my own money and put an ad in the seattle gay news with an open call. One guy showed up who was absolute perfection who was new in town and was thrilled to come to play and to meet people. After the first two practices he asked me out and we had a wonderful dinner and talk but when he asked me out again I for some reason I still dont understand I was so intimidated I turned him down. I mean he was perfection and every guy on that team would have cut off their right arm for a chance with him. We did remain friends and years later he told me he was hurt that I wouldnnot date him as he thought we would have made a grreat pair. I confessed to him how intimidated I was and he said he had gotten that a lot and did not feel it justified in that he was looking for what we all are – someone to be with that shared interests. I never let that happen again and both my husbands after that were out of my league (I thought) but turns out they werent. Yes, some people you are attracted to may turn you down but you will never know unless you ask
Consider This
and if you ask, keep things open. If yes, great. If not, then onward.
winemaker
Who was it that summed this issue up perfectly: ‘you’re for some people and aren’t for other people’ Was it Ann Landers or Miss Manners? Bottom line if you never ask you never know what could have been. Sadly many of us don’t take the leap of faith by asking and end up frustrated and in the end all alone. How many of us see ourselves in this article? Probably more than you could imagine.
AZ71
Yea I never swipe right on hot guys. And even if I do, I never get linked/connected with them. I truly believe there is a hierarchy and Tinder is a perfect example of where you fall on the handsome scale according to other gay men.
Iona Lexiss
[One dissenting vote, however, came from a Redditor “My main point here is that you never know who will be attracted to you, and not everyone that portrays themselves as a stuck-up Insta-model is actually like that in real life,” he wrote. ]
Umm, yeah they are ‘like that in real life.’ And, if you think they’re not why would you want to hook up with or have a potential relationship with anyone who is so insecure their behavior manifests itself in putting on this front? At a minimum, “Mr. Perfect” is a drama series just waiting for some sucker to latch on to.
Now, if you want to seriously talk about people who know they are so pretty they feel like they are being passed over…that would be another subject.
jim_allio
the ones who’ve hit on me usually want money – it’s been a blow to my self-esteem so now I don’t respond or message if they’re super hot
Consider This
Truth. The money thing does happen, no question.
winemaker
Sorry to burst your bubble, but the hit up for money has nothing to do with looks. It has to do with losers who have nothing better to do than hit strangers up for funds. You are one of possibly hundreds of potential suckers, and you thought you were so damned special. When this happens, I block ’em, report ’em to the site so they screw themselves by being blocked. They’re not worth wasting my time on and luckily I dodged a bullet and got out before the drama unfolded.
barryaksarben
Remember that it isnt you? There are predators of all types and some want money. DOnt let it effect your self esteem. I truly feel you should put yourself out there with the understanding scammers will try to con you but you should be proud you made an effort and it is there shortcomings not yours that are on display. Good luck
cheks
I say take a chance. Really, what do you have to lose?
basils_Herald
+1 what do you have to lose
I met my husband IRL and I have a lot of doubts about making lasting romances on any platform that’s based on antisocial media datasets made by Meta / FB. Zuckerberg wants to infuriate you to keep you engaged, do you think his apps have the romantic homosexual in mind? My advice is to make queer friends and try to hook up with them or their friends.