HAIL XENU

Scientology Is Definitely Not Meddling With Orange Is The New Black

McGillis And CruiseHooray, an opportunity to roll our eyes at how crazy celebrities are! Let’s dig in.

The latest Tom Cruise kerfuffle started a few days ago when gossip blogs decided that actress Laura Prepon is dating Tom Cruise. While Laura would no doubt love for this to be true, it isn’t, she says. Their only link is that they’ve both been convinced to give a ton of money to Scientology.

The gossipers also (falsely, according to Laura) reported that Cruise was displeased with her role on Orange is the New Black, since she plays a lesbian. Scientology leadership has had an unpleasant attitude towards LGBTs, dating back to the 1950s when its inventor L. Ron Hubbard wrote:

The sexual pervert (and by this term Dianetics, to be brief, includes any and all forms of deviation in Dynamic II [i.e. sexuality] such as homosexuality, lesbianism, sexual sadism, etc., and all down the catalog of Ellis and Krafft-Ebing) is actually quite ill physically… he is very far from culpable for his condition, but he is also far from normal and extremely dangerous to society.

These days the organization is a little quieter about homosexuality, though according to former members they call it a “1.1 tone,” which means that it’s somewhere between fear and anger. Good grief.

Anyway, according to Prepon, “The thing that sucks is that there’s so much false data because people are in mystery as to what Scientology is, so they just kind of make up stuff.”

Well, maybe that used to be the case, but these days most of us know that Scientology teaches that an alien named Xenu dropped frozen aliens into a volcano and their souls flew away but got caught by electric fences and then got brainwashed and invaded the brains of cavemen. So, that’s fun!

Other strange beliefs:

An ancient philosopher once brought clay birds to life; there was once a magical being named Christopher who had the head of a dog and body of a man; evil demons can control the minds of pigs; and it’s possible to literally transform bread into parts of a human body, which you should then eat.

Oh, no, whoops, those are all Christian beliefs! Sorry about that. Now there’s a weird religion.