In a new op-ed titled I’m done with flings, sex is off the agenda if it doesn’t come with romance, blogger Topher Green says he’s done with having casual hookups. He’s done bottoming for strangers. He’s done wondering “Is it okay if I put my hand there?” He wants real intimacy. He wants romance. He wants love.
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“I’ve always had a dour approach to sex,” Topher writes. “I find it is better in my head (during masturbation) than it ever is in real life. When it is just me, I don’t have to endure the anxiety that comes before, during and–sometimes–after the act itself.”
Hmmm. It sounds like he might be doing sex wrong. But we digress.
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“There was a period of my life where I hated my body,” Topher continues. “I would keep as many items of clothing on during sex as possible.”
“I once had sex wearing a hoody and denim jacket,” he overshares. “Yes, it was very uncomfortable. My keys and phone kept falling out the pockets.”
Topher says that he was ultimately able to overcome his body image issues by getting naked with as many people as possible.
“The more I hooked up with different guys, the more I realized guys do find me attractive,” he says.
But his problems were far from over.
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He soon realized that, while his body image issues may have been cured, the sex left him feeling hollow and unfulfilled. Often he wanted to carry on romantic relationships with his lovers, but they were only ever interested in having a one-time thing, which left him with “the worst feeling ever.”
“You’re paranoid, you feel used, you feel ugly,” he says.
Not to mention, it wasn’t any fun.
He continues: “I want more, I want intimacy. I want to wake up the next day and spend the day together, making stupid jokes. I want to cuddle and dish out affection. I want to be able to look disgusting when I wake up without fear of judgement, rather than having to sneak off, shower, brush my teeth and fix my hair before they wake up.”
So, he says, he’s swearing off hookups.
“I’m past having to suffer the awkwardness before casual sex,” he proclaims. “I’ve had my fun, but I’ve had my fair share of hurt and disappointed [sic] too. I no longer want to fool around, not unless it’s heading in a serious direction.”
Quick! Someone get this man a chastity belt!
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Mykaels
For some people, they are replacing intimacy with sex, and they need to cease one activity in order to understand and explore the other. Sure, the gay rom com’s will tell you to find true love through a hook up, but that does not always happen.
I wish him luck!
ChrisK
Jeez they don’t want to hang around Mr sour puss after a one time fling. Can’t say as I blame them. Yikes.
markgtx11
Obviously the author of this Queerty post is down with intimacy and people sharing how they feel.
cattac
Expecting intimacy from people who can’t commit to someone for 24 hrs is like going to McDonald’s and expecting to get a filet mignon.
DMRX
My now fiance and I started our relationship with a hook-up after a common friend’s holiday party. We went from that to casual dinner dates and getting to know each other. Neither of us was necessarily looking for anything serious, but we were open to the idea. There’s definitely a certain amount of luck in stumbling across the right guy at the right time.
And I totally agree with @ChrisK. This guy has some SERIOUS self-examination to skip dating and jump straight to emotional intimacy. That’s not the way it works.
redcarpet30
@DMRX: Thats not what he said. He’s probably trying to put himself out there and “have fun” but no one wants to date, they just want a hook up but send mixed signals. Its a common trap and I totally relate to this guy. Some people just aren’t built for hookups, its just not worth the trouble for them. It’s not a judgement, just a reality that people have different personalities.
ErikO
Does he really wonder why nobody wants to have an actual relationship, romance, or partnership with a puta like him?
RadChad
Can I just say that the writer of this article has an incredibly passive aggressive tone. Why the heck are you so judgmental? This guy’s personal experience is his own, you don’t have to try to rip it apart just because you’ve got your own insecurities or because you’re feeling like it’s an attack on your own presumably hedonistic lifestyle (because it’s not).
“Hmmm. It sounds like he might be doing sex wrong. But we digress.” – “Yeah, lol, you’re just soo bad at sex, none of your experiences or feelings about this are worth anything, because you’ve just been doing it wrong teehee”
“So, he says, he’s swearing off hookups.”
“[…], he says, […]” – as in you not believing he could.
“Quick! Someone get this man a chastity belt!” – self-explanatory
Do yourself a favor and stop being so fucking snarky and judgy of anyone different than yourself. Fucking hypocrites.
David Bolton
You know, this story could have actually been interesting if Queerty hadn’t approached it with their perpetual Hello Giggles-style commentary.
He BGB
Neurotic.
Kim K Kute Kuchie
As a proud gay MAN, I embrace my gender completely by embracing as many guy’s genitalia as possible . Relationships are more suitable for women & women wanna be like drag queens & femmes
SportGuy
Sadly trying to find something real in the gay sea of sluts and whores is near impossible, though there are a few real men still left.
adamnfool
Alright, gather round. You in the back, get closer. This damn fool is going on a nonsensical rant.
Due to our population size, more randomized location at birth, and that, generally speaking, partners must come from our own population… it makes sense that it might be harder to find compatible long term partners than our straight counterparts if that’s what you’re in the mood for tonight/ everynight. In everyday life Im pretty sure the majority encounter more potential compatible partners (short to long term) than we do. How many relationships come from college or workplaces? Yea… that’s less likely for us I think as your options are probably going to be more limited.
Furthermore equality and hookup apps are leading a two pronged assault on some of the underlying mechanics that generated gay locations like bars in the first place. And while it’s probably the best solution to preserve the physical places of congregating… one solution for helping gay men looking for a long term relationship is to just have another dedicated app but only allows selection of interests other than sex. Maybe that already exists, but I’m not up on these things. Fundamentally I think LTRs, friendships included function by people enjoying doing things together. Sex sure. But there are also other things to enjoy/share in life too. So let gay men connect based on location by sports interests, movie interests, video game interests, book interests, hobby interests, vacation interests, food interests, music interests and that’s it. A photo suffices for determining if the person is a potential sexual partner or not. And it would make the app pretty much only for gay men who legit say they want to date or meet friends. Fine. In dating (and especially friendship), historically you don’t know genital size or favorite position until you see it in person. Aww the thrill of romance. Anyways that’s how you define your market through user capabilities. Is there a large enough gay population of dating/LTR interest men? No idea… but I wouldn’t be surprised if there was. A blog/news site couples well with this idea FYI. Gay.com tried and failed at some version of this hybrid I think, but I don’t think they had clear vision.
Anywys.. ifyou’re looking to see dick first, and ask questions later, that’s swell too and I think existing apps have you covered, and that shouldn’t change.
trell
The trouble is that this guy is now completely self-analytical & self-aware. Every social interaction he has with people now will be under his scrutiny, and he will be questioning every connection he makes.
Love isn’t something that just happens. Much as we like to think of the ‘Eyes met across a crowded room’ cliche, relationships take time and effort.
He should stop being so objective about the whole thing, just relax and allow things to develop organically.
Heywood Jablowme
How old is he? (Yeah I clicked on the link, it doesn’t say.) These pitiful plaintive laments always seem to come from guys in their late 20s. At that age most of the guys they’re having sex with will not yet be much interested in that “intimacy” thing.
Later in their 30s, guys generally tend to think of more settled life and other possibilities besides hooking up all the time.
At least he doesn’t blame gay life in general for his problem; instead he goes to the other extreme and blames his own “wiring.” There’s nothing wrong with his wiring unless he’s maybe just a little ahead of schedule. (Is my guess.)
RadChad
@adamnfool:
“…connect based on location by sports interests, movie interests, video game interests, book interests, hobby interests, vacation interests, food interests, music interests and that’s it.”
Don’t give out your commercially viable ideas just like that for anyone to steal brah.
Chris
This blogger reports his issues — lots and lots of them. Who’d want to deal with all his baggage in order to become intimate with him? Meh.
adamnfool
@radchad I have so many ideas on so many things that I just don’t care anymore. I mean sure it’d be fun to be a part of it… but *shrug* I’m not moving forward with it immediately. I’ve pitched this to my tech friends but they are too busy at the big companies to care/start their own thing.
This particular idea could benefit a segment of gay men… so if someone wants to run with it… go for it. Make the world a better place with more options for us, and I’ll be happy you did.
adamnfool
@RadChad
Plus I live up to my username on a daily basis.