I walked into my local church in Brevard County, Florida and approached the receptionist. “Hi” I said. “I’m here for Pastor John Patrick Riley.”
“Yes” she replied. “Come right in.”
The sweat from my forehead evaporated and my glasses cleared; I sat in an ugly green chair. That morning, in order to protect my cover, I removed the Pride pin I usually kept on. An emptiness filled its place. A mission fueled it: play the role of ‘vulnerable gay teen seeking ex-gay therapy.’ I came here to expose Pastor Riley and my town.
I looked up. “Jacob?” the pastor asked. Pastor Riley took me down a large cacophony of hallways and doors before eventually leading me to his office. He navigated the stacks of books scattered across the floor and sat down; the chair let out a large puff of air. That’s when he began talking.
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The first half of our conversation was a treatise into the history of my family’s religion — all of which I lied about. The the real business began.
Related: Bowen Yang opens up about undergoing conversion therapy as a teen
Pastor Riley explained that the church viewed same sex attraction as a sin and that it’s my role to live a life of chastity. One of the keys to achieving it was diminishing desire. Through counseling, he believed it would be possible for me to tamp out my attraction and live a sin-free life.
“Any questions?” he asked.
“So it’s not possible for me to get rid of my desires?” I asked in return.
His face lit up. “Oh no,” he said. “It is.” He described to me the national “reparative therapy industry” that helps people diminish or get rid of their desires and offered a referral.
“Yes” I said. “I would like a referral.”
He instructed me to read the Courage Apostolate and follow up with an email to schedule another appointment. A week later, I found the time to look up what he was talking about. Shocked, I found the Catholic church’s internationally organized movement to 12-step the gay away.
It became clear to me Pastor Riley was an expert for a reason, serving as my county’s leader for the Courage group of adults looking to live a chaste life. Diving deeper, I found two more groups in my county offering the same services. I called one.
Related: Former leader of ex-gay conversion therapy group admits it’s harmful and doesn’t work
Over the course of a five minute conversation two things became clear. First, minors are allowed treatment as long as a parent is with them. Second, there was a licensed psychologist in Orlando who offered these same services.
I called the Orlando therapist and our conversation was curt. He had no experience with minors, and referred me to some people in my surrounding area.
It became apparent how large this industry truly was. Within days, I had gotten the contact information for six therapists and Pastors offering reparative therapy for minors in my county, and some of them even took insurance.
To perform reparative therapy on any child is an abhorrent practice that instills in the psyche the imperfection of the individual. To strive for the betterment of this imperfection is impossible. The child ends up hating an unchangeable characteristic of themself. These harms have led to 20 states outlawing the practice on minors as of March 2020, with many organizations labeling it as abuse.
The government has an obligation to protect its citizens, including queer minors. It’s time for the practice to end once and for all.
Related: Canada presents federal bill to ban conversion therapy
The persistence of the ex-gay movement on children reveals the shortcomings of us as a nation to truly call out institutionalized oppression — to end practices that have been proven to lead to suicide.
Throughout my own journey exploring the scene, I have become increasingly angry. The church that finally referred me to reparative therapy is one that is deeply embedded within the social fabric of my town. That same church holds weekly gatherings of Life Teen which one-quarter of my peers attend.
It was throughout this process I realized the intersectionality of organized and weaponized religion.
When I expressed my distress, the response from even my closest friends was bemoaning.
“They don’t know,” they’d say.
“They’re so nice,” they’d say.
“It’s their parents,” they’d say.
I am done making excuses for those complicit in institutions of harm. I am done acting nice to those who believe I shall be tortured in eternity. I am done being friends with those who participate in youth groups because it’s fun when they wind up being the financial donors of the system supporting reparative therapy. I am tired of not critiquing institutions because it may offend those who are “nice.”
Related: Once a poster child for conversion therapy, musician Nakhane now preaches queerness
It was in Martin Luther King’s Letter from a Birmingham Jail that he scathingly called out what he considered “the white moderate” in a time of racial distress. He called them the true barrier between the black body and liberation from segregation. He juxtaposed their inaction to being the action of harm causing the diminishment of Black America.
Today there is a new moderate. The moderate is those who consider the word ally a label instead of a call to action. The moderates are those who insist they are fine with gay people but don’t have the time to protest. The moderate is those who are more quick to defend the oppressor instead of the oppressed. The moderate is those who insist on waiting instead of organizing.
I have become an independent patchwork on the quilt of queer Brevard. I have become attached to those who tell me, in tears, how they lost their jobs because they marched in Pride, lost their jobs because they began to transition, lost a friend to suicide, or lost their son’s friend to conversion therapy.
I cry writing this thinking of the way I yell and the way no one listens, and of the pain I witness that goes unexpressed.
I cry writing this knowing that when I went to the commissioners to beg for human rights, the only response I heard was the deafening silence of inaction.
And ultimately I know that no matter how heavy my tears fall, they are not even one tenth the weight of the Black and Latinx trans women crying beside me. They are not even one tenth the weight of the trans femme crying beside me.
I hope to provide a call to action. I walked into that office thinking I would find nothing – instead I discovered my voice. Walking out I felt a fire I wanted to use for the burning of every nonsensical institution used for the subversion of the queer body — to burn the oppression of all people and build in its place liberation for all.
Jacob is a current high schooler at Viera High School who is working to ban conversion therapy in his county. You can keep up with his work on instagram @jacobgelman.
Cam
Brave kid, All of those bigoted organizations need to be prosecuted for abuse.
Chrisk
Ah the irony of life. Mentally ill people trying to cure others that have nothing wrong with them other then being naive. If anyone need psychological help it’s them.
I feel bad for the kids trapped in it though. Putting them through that is a crime.
Manray
How much would you bet Pastor Riley is a pedo? You can only imagine How many pedos gravitate towards “helping” gay kids
I grew up 1 county south of Brevard. I f’n HATE bible belt FL.
RandomGay
Don’t go looking for things you don’t want to find kid. There will always be people looking for these services, better to have them legal and regulated than illegal and operating in the shadows where way worse forms of abuse can prosper.
Chrisk
Not when were dealing with kids being forced into it. That should be illegal. If an adult wants to live in fantasy and shame have at it though.
Cam
So legalize child abuse and sexual assault because some people have been convinced by bigotry that there is something wrong with them?
Are you kidding?
GayEGO
I am gay, had a lifetime partner 57 years, married 15 years, and he passed away last year. I was raised as a Mormon in Idaho, and I knew I liked guys since I was born. I had a crush on a boy when I was 5. I joined the Navy, met my partner, was honorably discharged, worked as a computer software programmer, retired, and I am living the American dream. I had to think for myself and figure out who I was as others tried to tell me how I should live my life which I disagreed with. I am saying this because I do not know why some people have a problem accepting who they are. No one else knows who we are, only ourselves.
Kangol2
This was a very moving piece. Much of what he decries has been supported by LGBTQ activists for several generations now, including criticizing “moderate” allies who passively support LGBTQ people but will not speak up and out when needed.
It’s also tragic that 51 years after Stonewall we still have churches, politicians and people actively promoting the view that being LGBTQ is wrong, “disordered” (to use the noxious term of Pope Benedict Ratzinger), “sick,” etc., when what’s wrong are homophobia, transphobia, and anti-gay/trans hate.
No state should allow what is effective mental–and sometimes physical–torture of anyone, but especially not children, and “reparative” therapy is just that. It’s cruel, it’s inhuman, it is a form of torture, and it should be outlawed.
Trey Thayer
Being gay is not against human rights; being gay is unbiblical.
gameshowguy2000
Doesn’t matter. This is the 21st century and things change over time. People are done reading the Bible. AND THEY DON’T GIVE A (BLEEP) ABOUT IT.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
PLEASE IGNORANT THE PERNICIOUS NOXIOUS TROLL
Trey Thayer
Sure things may change over time hut NOT THE BIBLE. God has always been and always will be here. Unless that is you don’t believe in god. So go around taunting that you don’t give a bleep about the bible and see what kind of responses you get @gameshowguy2000
Cam
@Trey Thayer
Give it a rest troll. NONE of you anti-LGBT fake religions follow the Bible. If so, you would be pushing to outlaw divorce, or to try to outlaw women as teachers because remember, as the Bible says, women are not allow to try to convince others.
The ONLY thing your phony religious nuts use as a barometer of Piousness is whether or not they hate LGBT people.
Joshua333
Yikes… I am also currently in high school doing a project about Conversion Therapy… from what I’ve read about the “treatments”… they act like its a “sex addiction” also the more research I do on it, the more uncomfortable I feel. Some of the things those people out there think they are doing that are right and some of the lies they tell themselves, I’m surprised some of them can actually sleep at night.
missvamp
religion is a huge part of what is destroying this country. it oppresses us & has a massive impact on government & shouldn’t. fake xtians are ruining this country. real ones are no threat, they don’t hate us.