Sex is historically pretty easy to come by as a gay guy. But what happens when you want more?
Writer and self-described “black queer man” Aaron Barksdale decided to give celibacy a shot to see if he could move beyond the casual hookup. In his essay for Out, he laments the all too common “Grindr hookup” and explores the role his race plays in the gay community.
Related: A Black Man Answers: “Are Black Men Really Bigger?”
How did he start?
How about we take this to the next level?
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I began by deleting my dating apps, which have become all but useless. With a few taps, the hundreds of ghosted conversations I’d had with eligible bachelors disappeared as quickly as they were swiped right.
Clearing my phone of distractions was easy, and in the first week, I thought, “I can do this—no problem.” My celibacy only included abstaining from penetrative oral and anal sex, but I continued to masturbate alone or with a partner. And though my sexual frustration gnawed at me like a rabid animal for more, I was determined to reclaim a part of my sexual power that was different from embracing my natural desires.
And he gets pretty thoughtful about being a black man in a white gay world:
Being black, queer and having predominantly dated white men, meant that abstaining from sex was to avoid white ideals of beauty that I am usually drawn to.
Historically, black men and women have been portrayed as overly sexual as a way to disregard our humanity. The roots of this misconception come from slavery when black bodies were used for breeding in an economy based on free labor.
His first trip back to the bedroom after celibacy was pretty amazing:
After 40 days of celibacy, I finally “broke the seal” with a one-night-stand with a friend. The experience felt explosive, tantric, and heightened from the extended period of deprivation. But aside from just connecting with someone physically we also developed a deeper bond outside the bedroom, sharing stories about our childhood, work, and dating other men.
It’s a fascinating read that you should really get into. We hope Aaron Barksdale finally finds what he’s looking for, and we’re sure he won’t be the last guy to take this path to do so.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
“but I continued to masturbate […] with a partner”
Trash article
Billy Budd
This boy is NUTS. Plain and simple. NUTS.
Xzamilio
Damn… and they call ME a self-hating black man.
Xzamilio
I’m joking, of course… there’s nothing wrong with a black man who only dates white men, or vice versa… but this self-important drivel about celibacy is complete nonsense from someone admittedly insecure in his own skin who needs to maybe reevaluate his own personal goals and aspirations and work on his self-esteem instead of thinking that sex is the root of his problems.
SonOfKings
Sex becomes better when you abstain, for periods of time, to rediscover your focus and your thrill. It becomes necessary, for some Black men, to seek the comfort and attention of White men, when members of your own race fail to give your the respect and consideration you require.
onthemark
As silly as this is (and it’s pretty silly!), maybe there’s something to it because at the end he has sex with a guy who he actually TALKS to. Which is what he wanted and for some reason he couldn’t really do before.
Xzamilio
Yup, when in doubt, blame other people for your own hangups about self-worth.
stranded
@PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID: my thoughts exactly
Tackle
@SonOfKings: Ok: So it becomes necessary for some White men to seek the comfort and attention of Black men when members of their own race fail to give them the respect and consideration they require…
heavylifter
“I began by deleting my dating apps, which have become all but useless.”
Meaning he had burned through all the bare backing skanks he could score on Grindr, lol.
I wonder if he even knows his HIV status?
Lestar
Only 40 days? When I read the headline I thought it would be longer than that..like 6 months or something.
Dave Downunder
Wow he abstained for a whole 40 days, less than six weeks. I wonder if he considers that revirginization lol.
heavylifter
@Dave Downunder:
Seeing most gay relationships don’t last longer than a RuPauls Drag Race season, , you can’t blame the poor dear if he does.
Dorset Lad
40 days! Is that all! Try a long distance relationship, I haven’t been with my boyfriend in 4 months, at this point I’m climbing the walls and so sexually charged that when I see him again in 3 weeks I’m actually worried for his safety. I’m not sure if the sex is better after a break, it’s certainly a massive relief. Not sure why anyone would choose to abstain, why deprive yourself if you don’t have to. I also find that going without makes you think about sex so much more and I don’t like being so preoccupied with it, far better just to get it out of your system
odawg
This guy is ridiculous! He dates predominantly White men and is then shocked that he encounters issues around his race. He clearly has some internalized issues with his own identity. Next!
Baba Booey Fafa Fooey
@heavylifter: Actually, I only know gay men have been partnered for 30, 40, 50 years. Can I ask are you an older gay man who’s hoing to be tsking his ignorant homophobia to the grave in about 10-15 years?
Kangol
There are two conflated issues here. First, there’s his challenges around sex and hookup culture. Second there’s his self-identity issues around the effects of white r@cism and anti-blackness among white gay men on dating apps.
@SonOfKings: ? Why only white men? Why not other men of color? Does he (or do you) see what whiteness as the default really means?
Being black, queer and having predominantly dated white men,.
The effects of r@cism and white supremacy are a MF! I hope he eventually comes to recognize this, celibate or not.
onthemark
I almost hate to play devil’s advocate here, being an ex-slut myself. Trying “celibacy” in my 20s for 40 entire days (yikes) would have been almost impossible.
Well, at least this guy DID something about his (perhaps imaginary) problem. He tried an experiment – ridiculous as it sounds to all of us – and he’s happy with the results. Cool.
As opposed to the usual thing in Queerty comments which is: A guy blames the “gay community” for all his problems, and then sits back and whines and doesn’t DO anything.
GC1985
@Baba Booey Fafa Fooey: Don’t bother with heavybullshitlifter. He isn’t worth anyones time and when you really question him he runs away.
heavylifter
@Baba Booey Fafa Fooey:
“Actually, I only know gay men have been partnered for 30, 40, 50 years. Can I ask are you an older gay man who’s hoing to be tsking his ignorant homophobia to the grave in about 10-15 years?”
Your “partnered” friends who share a live in Thai rent boy or are regulars at the local orgy night don’t count.
GC1985
@heavylifter: Full of heavysh*t as always!
David Aventura
I really want to support this story, but the “celibate” piece is making it hard. Many gay men have been “celibate” for years, and not by choice. If he is giving himself self love, and also jerking off with other men, that’s hardly celibate. That’s a sex life that’s more active than some.
dean3000
Ok this makes me weird but I’ve been celebate since 2010. I’m crap at relationships and I don’t like one night stands so I just stopped having sex. Best thing I did I’ve never felt better it like getting a fresh start and I finally have an idea who I am. I think I was co dependent and absorbed characteristics from my partner at the time.
Now I read a lot more and just finished a degree and going to start a course on music composition ( something I never got round to before). Also there is something quite nice about have a free weekend without feeling like I’m letting someone down. I spent 20 years doing what other people wanted. Celebacy is a small price to pay for freedom
onthemark
@David Aventura: Yes – mutual masturbation is NOT celibacy. But masturbation by yourself? Still counts as celibacy (even to Catholics, lol) by the dictionary definition.
At least until 30 years from now when people like this guy have redefined “celibacy” to mean… who knows what, then I suppose the dictionaries & the AP style book get rewritten. (sigh)
Black Pegasus
“Being black, queer and having predominantly dated white men, meant that abstaining from sex was to avoid white Ideals of beauty”
_________
LMAO I can’t with this snow queen.
Baba Booey Fafa Fooey
@heavylifter: Go fuck yourself you homophobic asshole.
Baba Booey Fafa Fooey
And, where is the Flag button? It’s needed. Was it removed?