A “straigh-ish” woman is unsure how to handle being in a relationship with a bisexual man, so she’s seeking advice from our friend Rich Juzwiak over at Slate.
“He told me, soon after we got intimate, that he’s had sex with men for most of his adult life, though he’s only ever dated women,” the 30-something woman explains. “We got more serious, and we’re now exclusive and a year into our relationship. ”
Recently, they hit bit of a roadblock in their sex life.
The woman explains:
He’s always said he’s willing to be a one-person guy but would like to open things up when I feel ready, because he does have a high sex drive and desires that go in a lot of different directions. I now feel ready for this, but I’m struggling a bit with the limitations that I want to put on the situation.
She goes on to say that she’s totally fine with her boyfriend hooking up with other dudes–really, she is!–just not women, and she doesn’t want him bottoming for anyone.
“This is mainly because of higher risk of STIs, though he’s said he would go on PrEP,” she claims, “but I also am just not comfortable with the idea of him putting himself in a vulnerable position with another man.”
She wonders: “Are these reasonable boundaries to have, or am I overstepping? The discussions are just beginning, and I haven’t told him how I feel yet.”
In his response, Juzwiak says that, generally speaking, when it comes to polyamorous love, “veto rules are rather unchic.” Not to mention, part of the point of sex is to let one’s inhibitions go and do what feels good.
“I think, in general, you have to understand that his brain off sex and on sex are two very different entities,” Juzwiak explains. “You can tell him you’d prefer that he didn’t bottom, but don’t be surprised if he ends up doing so because his d*ck was hard, the other d*ck looked like it needed a friend, and one thing led to another and his butt inhaled it.”
“It’s really hard to referee each play remotely, though I think a general expectation of sexual safety (however you define that: condoms, PrEP, no fluid bonding, etc.) is crucial.”
Juzwiak concludes with a short PSA on bottoming, writing: “As to whether bottoming makes someone more vulnerable, it really depends on how you do it and whether you have predilections for vulnerability in the first place.”
“Putting your d*ck in the mouth of a stranger who could bite it off without a hell of a lot of effort and of whose history you know nothing? Pretty damn vulnerable.”
Related: Bisexual guy wonders if he’s gay or just experiencing a ‘bi-cycle’
Donston
For a site that’s so obsessed with identity and labels, you’d think you guys would get the consensus definition of things down a bit better. The situation this lady is describing isn’t “polyamorous”. It’s more of an “open relationship”. And I’m not even certain that it qualifies as that. Polyamorous, for most people, is about seeking a romantic and emotional bonds, commitment and relationship beyond one partner. It’s supposed to be removed from the sexual part of your orientation. This guy claims he just wants to hook up with dudes and has supposedly never even dated a guy. If her boyfriend is being honest with her, it seems he’s only really into guys ’cause he really likes dick and getting plowed. Therefore, you’re snuffing out what might be the only reason he’d want any man’s attention. So, then what becomes the point of giving him any “permission”?
Finally, I’m a lil’ tired of being asked to care about and give credence to hetero relationships with “queer ambitions”. If trying to be “open-minded” or whatever is what this woman feels is best for herself, her personal contentment and for her relationship then cool for her. But we’re ultimately talking about a hetero relationship between two cis people who only have hetero relationship contentment and ambitions. This couple and their situation isn’t so much “queer” as much as it’s “quirky hetero-normalcy”.
TheDefiler
Reads like you’re the one obsessed with labels. “Quirky-hetero-“whaaa?? We know what they meant by “poly” — paralysis by analysis a la “semi-automatic” from a gun nut loses the forest for one dude’s log.
Cam
He sounds less “bi” and more “leans gay”. He’s always slept with guys but only dated women, sounds more like the guy is into guys, but dates only women because of societal pressures. I could be wrong, but with all of those guys hes slept with, he never found ONE to date? If he was actually Bi, I would imagine there would have been at least one. But hey, I could e wrong. Either way, sounds like for her it’s open up the relationship or he’ll cheat on her in secret.
RIGay
Ah-yup. She’s just the beard in the relationship.
ass eater
@Cam: Yep, sounds like a gay man hiding in plain sight.
jlogb
Nailed it!!! Bet hes already taken more pipe than a bourbon st hooker as well.
Aromaeus
I echo the sentiments already expressed here. It sounds like her boyfriend is a gay man suffering from internalized homophobia. He’s fine with sex with men, something he can do in the privacy of his own home. He is not okay with dating men which would mean taking on all the societal ills that comes with.
That being said his girlfriend has some mild homophobia she needs to work through too. I understand that while bottoming does increase risk of STI’s, the risk isn’t mitigated if he just ever tops. I know plenty of top only guys that are POZ. It’s the act of anal intercourse that has an increased risk. I think she just doesn’t like the idea of her boyfriend, who she probably considers to be masculine, taking a d*ck. That’s homophobia sis.
MISTERJETT
well, if they have that agreement, good for them.
Bytemenow
To each their own, but she’s dating a gay man. He’s as gay as a bouquet of balloons.
dean089
When I saw “As long as he doesn’t do this one thing” my first thought was ‘as long as he doesn’t bring home a STD.’ So if he goes on PrEP will that protect her from herpes, syphilis, chlamydia, etc.? Since he gets to sleep around, does she? SO many questions or has this celebration of TMI already gotten more attention than it should?
DuMaurier
That was…exactly the “one thing” I figured she didn’t want him to do. I actually clicked because it was so obvious I thought it might actually be something else.
winemaker
Sad to hear this. Bottom line this woman’s a fool with all capital letters. She’s ok with him hooking up with guys, but not women, really, what’s the difference?. And don’t get me started on the possibility of STD’S. The best thing she can do is end this before she gets more emotionally involved. They’ve been ‘together’ for about a year. A year is a long time but in this thing called life, it’s a ‘blip’ on the radar and thankfully she’s not wasted any more time with this ‘player’. Move on.