Earlier this week, we ran a tongue-firmly-in-cheek guide to behaviors that some straight girls in gay bars should really knock off. Predictably, it received a lot of heated responses in the comments—some took offense, others thought we didn’t go far enough.
But honestly, annoying behavior in bars is universal: If we banned straight women from gay watering holes, I’m sure there’s be enough homo prima donnas to pick up the slack. It’s just something we all put up with. Heck, it probably pushes us to have another vodka cranberry.
But there’s one situation that I think really needs 
to be called out: the bachelorette party. For more than a decade, cabals of tipsy straight girls have been barging into queer bars wearing all manner of embarrassing accessories. They hoot and holler, order ridiculous shots and basically drag the spotlight onto the bride-to-be.
We’ll con-fucking-gratulations, missy—you’re getting married! Your friends, family, community and country are standing behind you as you make a lifelong commitment to the man you love.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Wish I knew what that felt like.
Acting irritating in a bar is one thing, but literally rubbing our faces in your wedding when we can’t have our relationships recognized is kind of disgusting.
Last year In December 2009, the very same day a marriage-equality measure was voted down in the New York Assembly, I was in a gay bar in the East Village as a bachelorette party stormed in. For the first time in my life, I was really feeling like a second-class citizen and these loud, drunken bacchae were the last things I needed to see. After the third “woo-hoo!” I went over to one of the girls and politely said, “We’re really happy for your friend, but since gays and lesbians can’t get married it’s a little tacky to be celebrating her straight marriage here.”
Maybe I was being bitchy or thin-skinned (Maybe? Definitely.) And I think it’s the only time I’ve ever said anything to anyone about their behavior in a bar. But I was caught up in the emotion of the day.
Of course, it didn’t really matter: the girl looked at me side-eyed for a second and then returned to her friends without comment.
I’ve had a while to think about that incident and, of course, since then same-sex marriage has since been legalized in New York State. But I still think it’s a bit reprehensible to hold your hen night in a gay bar when gays and lesbians can’t have their marriages recognized on a national level.
Rather than piss in the win
d, though, I thought of a few ways brides-to-be and their pals could still party with the fags and help rather than hinder the cause:
* Spend, spend spend. Instead of buying the lucky bride novelty dildos and edible underwear, how about everyone writes a check to a marriage-rights group like MarriageEquality USA?
* Don some gay apparel. Instead of wrapping the bride in a toilet-paper wedding dress, everyone can wear a “Some Dudes Marry Dudes” or Freedom to Marry T-shirt.
* Tip fucking generously. You’re demanding a lot of the bartender’s time. You’re probably asking her to make silly, complicated drinks like a Slippery Nipple or a Slow Comfortable Screw Against the Wall. So thank your drink-slinger for the extra effort by making it rain. (And we mean Lincolns and Hamiltons, not Washingtons).
* Support the cause. Even the most obnoxious straight-girl Carrie clone thinks she loves her gays. She can show it by coming to the rallies, calling her representatives, volunteering on Election Day, etc. Show me your “I Don’t Vote on Your Rights” placard and you can be as big an asshole at the bars as you want.
I’ll even buy you the next drink.
Photos: Dylan Duvergé, Freedom to Marry
Cam
I figure it’s up to the bar….but I will say, that I never, EVER saw vomit in a gay bars bathroom unless there were straight women in there. So add in the behavior (Lean to say no to that last shot.)
Shannon1981
Of course they should ban bachelorette parties! And drunk straight girls, period. A gay bar is the last place these entitled, spoiled bitches belong.
Raquel
Wow Queerty ! Clearly there are many rancid queens writting for you. How about we make this website fun and positive, instead of making gay people sound like bitchy mean heterophobes. Why not make a post about banning drugs in gay bars ? That’s a way bigger problem than drunk straight girls.
Johnny Q. Doe
Turning out paying customers is bad business, generally. As is automatically discriminating against a group of people. I’ve been there, I’ve been frustrated, too. I’d rather the bouncer/coatcheck kindly inform the incoming party that if they are looking to get hogwild, it’s perhaps better if they look elsewhere. And then let management stand their ground if the party gets unwieldy.
Mark
These straight “hipsters” are ruining the gay scene. I don’t like to go now since so many of these bars are too straight. Keep the gay bars for the gays!
Raquel
Oh I have an idea! Should Americans ban Canadians in their bars ?? Cause we don’t want them rubbing their universal health care on our faces !!
Ti
Okay think of this
This bride may have a child who may be gay. Do we want her to remember gays as intolerant snobs or as welcoming.
It isn’t always about ourselves
ChristopherM
@Raquel: Oh please. You’re okay with a bachelorette party in a gay bar? Where did you throw your housewarming? A homeless shelter perhaps. Tacky bitch.
J
Raquel — You are comparing apples to oranges. It’s a poor comparison and shows a lack of understanding of how gays feel like second class citizens in our own country.
Riker
@Raquel: I don’t mind drugs in gay bars. Unless you know the person well, or take pictures and then look at how big their pupils are, its usually difficult to tell when someone is on them (okay, that cute guy that’s sooooo happy to see you all the time is probably on them).
Straight girls, however, go out of their way to be noticed. Let them do that at straight bars where there are guys that actually want to notice them.
The Real Mike in Asheville
I call bullshit on this article!
Generally, I do agree that it is tacky for straight bachelorettes, strangers to a particular gay bar, to invade the good time everyone else is having. There are many cases, though, that the girls have close ties to the bar and/or its gay patrons. Then, make room for all.
I called bullshit, because, last year, New York PASSED marriage equity (June 2011, became law July 2011); the last time marriage equity failed in New York was about 2 1/2 years ago, December 2009. So, last year, there could not have been a downer of losing the marriage equity vote being the very same day as a bachelorette party invaded an East Village gay bar. Didn’t happen.
Spike
If ever I come across a bachelorette party in a gay bar I would leave immediately and never return. We all have the right to choice. If the bar would rather disfranchise it’s base customer base for the occasional b.party, so be it. I do the same thing when I come across a chick softball fund raiser at a gay bar.
13Zeroither
oh boy. I had no idea this happens in gay male bars (i may be 21, but i haven’t gone to a bar yet. Never was interested in drinking, but want to try it with some friends). Do similar things happen in other lgbt bars or settings?
Jawsch
Bachelorette parties are very common at my local bar and I honestly find it extremely annoying and some of the queens have made comments before the show about how not to act because they usually aren’t exactly polite, become nasty drunken messes on the floor, etc.
Should gay bars ban them? It’s not my place to say.
Should they have they right to ban them? YES.
It’s not saying “Should we ban straight women from our bars” or anything of the sort, it’s discussing bachelorette parties.
“Bad business” or not, a private business owner that owns the land and the building should have every right to do what they wish with their own property without the government telling them what they HAVE to do.
I go to a gay bar to be around people like myself, I don’t go to be around straight girls who think every gay man wants to be their best friend, think they are God’s ultimate “fag hag” and gift to gay men, etc. My issue is the fact that it’s usually a bunch of girls who have never been to the gay bar before…do you see a random giggle of queers marching up in your straight bars to have a party? No. So show the same respect.
PTBoat
@The Real Mike in Asheville: He could have slipped in his timeline.
Red Assault
@Raquel: I ha e never once seen a group of loud and drunk Canadians going to an America Akbar and wearing “we have universal health care” shirts, squealing loudly and annoying everyone in the bar.
Have you?
Go find your own bar. You are not wanted in ours.
Clockwork
Listen to you people….
Do you realize what would happen if a restaurant told a group of gay men,
“Excuse me, but take your stupid celebration outside our restaurant”
Some days you folks ask for rights and freedom; and the next day you can’t respect the rights of others.
greybat
As someone who still works with the Public, I can state that however difficult they may be to wait on, Heavy Tippers are always appreciated!
Unfortunately, the difficult customers are rarely generous.
Shannon1981
@Clockwork: how tacky is it to celebrate getting married in a bar for a group of people who cannot get married? Geez, if they are that insensitive, the last place they belong is a gay bar anyway.
the other Greg
The “zoo” concept is what’s offensive. They’re gawking at us like we’re in a zoo. It’s not our fault they get hit on in regular (i.e. straight) bars but we end up paying the price. Also, THEY NEVER TIP WELL, you must be joking.
@The Real Mike in Asheville: Dan seems to be referring not to the NY state law, but to some incredibly arcane NYC-specific measure that probably most gay people didn’t take any notice of (I’m guessing) or even read or hear about. Which still doesn’t excuse the woman’s rude “response.”
ChristopherM
@the other Greg: Exactly. I really hate gay bars that hassle women, but I also don’t appreciate being treated like I’m on Mutual of fucking Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. And no, I don’t want to be your Will or your Stanford.
Raquel
@ChristopherM: I threw a bacholorette party for my best friend at a Gay bar. Got my drag queen friends to perform for her. There were about 25 girls there, everyone had an amazing time, they spent a lot of money on booze, people enjoyed who they were with regardless of gender or orientation. But of course you probably only go to the bar to get laid so you don’t want women around.
ChristopherM
@Raquel: I actually do want women around. But again, you’re missing the point: it is tacky to go celebrate something in a space designated for people who cannot have that thing you’re celebrating. It is seriously like throwing a housewarming in a homeless shelter, or having a cookie party at meeting of diabetics. It is rude.
Shannon1981
@Raquel: Why would you throw a bachelorette party in a gay bar? That is about the tackiest thing I can think of.
Raquel
@ChristopherM: @ChristopherM:pretty sure those women aren’t going there to rub their right to get married in anyone’s face. Once again I just feel like this websites always makes these stupid articles “attacking” people that are NOT the enemy! How about we focus on straight women that don’t go to Gay bars cause they don’t accept Gay people.
Lance
Lol at typical self-entitled straights. Sorry, but you ARE gonna get kicked out of gay bars and RIGHTFULLY SO. Newsflash: THERE IS SUCH A THING AS “SAFE SPACES”.
PTBoat
@Raquel: Many of these women ARE anti-gay in their regular lives. This is their last chance, slumming, fling at the wild side.
Shannon1981
@Raquel: I beg to differ. You don’t have to be waiting outside for a good bashing to be an insensitive, entitled breeder. And that is exactly what straight people who invade our spaces are. They are so used to being catered to all over, that they think they have to be catered to everywhere, even in spaces not meant for them.
@Lance: Right on. So sick of them thinking they own the world. Time for a bit of Queer Supremacy.
ChristopherM
@Raquel: of course they weren’t going there for that express purpose. They weren’t even thinking about the implication of what they were doing. Because celebrating your wedding at a gay bar is rude, inconsiderate, and tacky.
gary
That’s why I stopped going to gay bars where the average age is 22. I’m hitting the leather bars–where men are men. I doubt bachelorette parties will ever be held there.
PTBoat
@Shannon1981: +1
Shannon1981
@PTBoat: Thank You!
the other Greg
@Raquel: “Should Americans ban Canadians in their bars ??”
Actually, on reflection, that’s not a bad analogy. Otherwise polite people who tend to drink WAY too much and become rude jackasses? (And barf, as Cam #1 notes above.) Never thought of it before, but Canadians and straight-women-who-go-to-gay-bars fit a similar stereotype in that sense, at least here in New England.
Chad
Gay bars are for more than just looking to get laid. Yes some peple do, some straight people go to straight bars to get laid. But face it if 2 gays go into a straight bar and start dancing together or holding hands, they would be force out. We gays nee our own place to go to be be around people that understand our strugles. We need a place to that we don’t have to worry about being harrassede, beaten, bashed, shot or killed.
Raquel
This is why this community isn’t going anywhere. Everyone is so focused on themslseves and self entitlement, and how they feel that they refuse to see the bigger picture. Thank God I live in Canada, where I’m allowed to be married. Wake up people. Soon you’ll be old, your good looks will be gone and the only people still fascinated with you are those straight girls that now hurl in your bathrooms ! Boo ohh ! Go ahead call me a bitch or an angry lesbian, I cannot wait !
ChristopherM
@Raquel: again, missed point. You live in a country where everyone can be married. What don’t you get about the fact that we don’t have that in the US?! This week, I did my taxes and got to lie about my marital status on the forms because in this country, I’m a second class citizen. On the rare occasion I go out, I’d like to forget that. Bachelorette parties only serve to remind me that in fact my husband and I for the moment don’t get that right. Maybe living in a country where people are treated equally has dulled your sensitivity to that.
DenverBarbie
I was dreading reading this article, Queerty readers have done far too much girl bashing on related posts, but I am irritated by straight folk who opt to rub their heterosexual privilege in our faces. Period. I don’t want to see you celebrating your marriage at our bars, I don’t want you to ask me to be part of your wedding party, hell- I’m at the point where I don’t want an invitation.
Bitchy or thin-skinned? (Maybe? Definitely.) But conversely, they are being grossly insensitive. A true ally of any marginalized group would not indulge in rights afforded to them, but not those they claim to be in step with.
Not a true ally? Get out of the gay bars.
the other Greg
@Raquel: “Thank God I live in Canada, where I’m allowed to be married.”
But you’re not, I’m guessing? For some reason? Gee, maybe I can guess why.
[re: getting old] “…and the only people still fascinated with you are those straight girls that now hurl in your bathrooms !”
As someone who in my 20s worked as a janitor in a gay bar, I’m pretty sure I can survive without the fascination, thanks.
Sam Glass Jr.
Okay, I know I am going to get flamed for this, but here goes…ready?
I used to be in the same camp as every single queen who bitched and moaned about how “gay bars need to put a stop to these bachelorette parties.” But that was before I heard a few stats about the bar business, and it opened my eyes as to why these parties are a “necessary evil” in many of our favorite watering (and cruising) holes.
One reason also debunks a popular myth about how straight-girl patrons from these parties are such “crappy tippers”, and how they never buy more than one drink the entire time they’re there. BULL. Many bars that support these parties charge a flat-rate premium for the girls to be able to come in, PLUS there is a built-in drink minimum per person. You wanna ‘slum’? FINE. You’re sure as shit gonna spend some! Not to mention the drunker they are, the more loose they’re apt to be with their pocketbooks.
Besides – the OTHER reason that makes the parties necessary, is that they pick up the slack for the stingy tipping of…THE REGULAR PATRONS. You heard me. Buying five “Long-Island Ice Teas” and leaving a couple of singles on the bar with just the FIRST drink does NOT make you ‘Daddy Warbucks’. Neither does having one drink, leaving no tip and then flitting onto the next bar, hun. I know we need to have variety and we need to have choices, but we also need to be doing a BETTER JOB supporting our own GLBT businesses. Especially the bars. Or – to borrow one of my favorite literal quotes, before you bitch about this issue, it’s best to “NUT UP OR SHUT UP.”
Oh, and another thing: no, we can’t go into straight bars and act as ridiculous as the drunk bachelorettes do. But before we demand ‘discreet decorum’ of the lay-deez, take a moment to ask yourself: have you paid close attention to what goes on in a gay bar on a Saturday night after midnight? Not exactly a debutante’s cotillion, sweetie. Queenz can be just as blatantly rude, obnoxious and disgusting as these girls can be…if not MORE so. Does that excuse them from getting out-of-hand? No. The point IS valid that they could do better in recognizing that they’re NOT on “home turf”, and that they should respect “our house” as visitors. Just to be clear, girls: we don’t mind your gin-fueled, scabrous impersonations of Madonna and Lady Gaga, but let’s be real: You wouldn’t appreciate US coming into one of your favorite bars, grinding all up on your man and trying to grab HIS junk. So don’t expect that we’ll let you slide with the same kind of behavior.
I think that we can all get along and just have a good time…Let’s just establish some boundaries and show each other a little more respect before we start getting all hypocritically bitchy and snippy about stuff.
DouggSeven
What a stupid arguement. We stive for diversity, but not on our turf? What’s next then, ban gays from straight establishments? You can’t have it both ways.
JayKay
Women should be banned from gay bars entirely. Those spoiled bitches can go to any other bar in the city and get on just fine. They have no reason to be there.
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: $45.00 covers and $25.00 drinks for women.
Raquel
Aww the other Greg !! I love it when janitors assume things about me ! I’ve been married for 5 years thank you !
Shannon1981
@DenverBarbie: That’s the thing. I won’t go to straight weddings, anniversary parties, any of it! I refuse. If they truly wanted to try to understand they’d show a bit of fucking sensitivity. Hell, for this reason, I avoid straight environments like the plague these days, and they need to stay out of our environments until they learn a little class and sensitivity. This is no different than a white man with black friends participating in racist groups and events and reciting the events to the friends who are unwelcome.
Shannon1981
ahhh queerty, your flagging system sucks.
the other Greg
@Raquel: Congrats. I haven’t been a janitor for a long time (apparently alcoholism adversely affects reading comprehension). FYI, we have s/s marriage around here too. But if you come down here this summer, please stay in P-town – no barfing please in Boston.
Well all right, you can go to New York and barf.
MikeyM
I’ve noticed straight couples coming into bars to party too.
the other Greg
Is this a moot point? The question “Should Gay Bars Ban Bachelorette Parties?’ would be better put, CAN Gay Bars Ban Bachelorette Parties? – and the answer is legally NO, isn’t it?
So we’re basically just making pointless “suggestions” to rude, binge-drinking straight women who aren’t reading this anyway?
Max
@Raquel
By that logic I should be allowed to hold my bachelor party in a Lesbian bar, (should I marry a woman).
Do you really not see what’s wrong with this? 😐
BabyDoll
I live in a state where gay marriage is not legal… & I went to a gay bar for a Bachelorrette party. I wonder how many of you judged my bride-friend who was in silly bachelorette attire and who got super drunk. Oh, by the way, SHE’S A LESBIAN. She was “marrying” (I.e. had a ceremony in which they devoted themselves to each other for life) her partner of 10+ years. With how well it’s known that being judged soley for being gay by people who don’t even know you fucking sucks, one would think you wouldn’t turn around and be the first to judge.
QJ201
I’m having a senior, um, Larry Kramer, moment.
You pathetic little queers. No wonder it takes so long for anything to get accomplished. You are all too busy “uncle tom-ing” and making apologies for people who are insensitive to the low status gay (and trans) people have in this society.
The author makes an extremely valid point…it is TACKY to celebrate a bachelorette party in a GAY bar in a county that doesn’t not have federal marriage equality.
Until there is Marriage Equality, we absolutely should ban bachelorette parties from gay bars.
Shannon1981
@BabyDoll: There are a million and one places to have straight bachelorette parties besides in venues for people who cannot exercise the same right. Obviously, that was just fine for your lesbian friend, as she is gay.
However, straights doing that legally in gay bars? Tacky, insensitive, should never happen, ever.
@QJ201: + 5 Million
Jorge
People need to experience this every weekend like we do on Halsted in Chicago and they will understand. It is not the same thing as gay men going in to a Denny’s and celebrating a birthday. Most of these bachelorettes turn the gay bars into a circus tour- lets go see the drag queens then the strippers then the gays! If it isn’t a place you normally frequent, why do you need to make it your destination on a Friday night with twelve of your friends from the suburbs?
They scream and get extremely annoying and then act completely rude to everyone around them. There is nothing worse than having some drunk girl you don’t know say to you ” are you sure you are gay because you don’t look gay”. That right there should be enough to get her kicked out. I don’t want to hear about your gay uncle, I don’t care if you think it is okay to be gay and it is none of your business if I’ve ever had sex with a woman.
Kudos to the bar owners on Halsted that have started banning these groups. In the words of my friends, one hag per fag is enough!
Shannon1981
“one hag per fag is enough!”
THIS. SO MUCH.
sandy k
I think straight women go to gay bars, because they feel “safer” around gay men, than they do around prowling straight men! They can let their hair down and even get “drunk”, without the fear that some guy is going to take advantage of them in their inebriated state, at the end of the evening!
And if they have a jealous or suspicious boyfriend or husband, who’s going to interrogate them when they get home, they can re-assure him that they were in a “gay bar”, where no “other men” showed any interest in them!
Drew
@Shannon1981-Then WTF are you doing in an LGBT/gay bar?
I’m OK with having straight women visit GLBT bars since they’re giving the bar business, and a lot of GLBT bars are closing because people don’t go to them as much as they did decades ago.
Plus telling straight women they can’t go an GLBT bar is discrimination.
If they wind up getting too drunk, flipping out, etc. then it’s up to the bartender and bar staff to refuse to serve them or kick them out.
@QJ101-Larry Kramer has always been and will be a professional complainer. He doesn’t like LGBT people or even gay men.
Dan Avery
@The Real Mike in Asheville: Before marriage equality passed in June 2011, it failed in December 2009. So the events i describe were actually two years ago.
Also, the intention of this piece isn’t to suggest we literally ban bachelorette parties from gay bars—thats unconstitutional and bad for business—but to cheekily remind girls in hen parties that its a little unfair to celebrate your wedding among people who, for the most part, can’t get married.
Drew
There are so many hypocritical heteroph_obes in this thread like Jorge and Shannon1981.
Sam Glass Jr.
@JayKay: See: my post…Our local bar already charges something similar for the parties (if not at these prices). But if you want to make it unnecessary to have the parties? Do a better job supporting your local bars, instead of just bitching about it…
jar137
Racquel- it’s very effective to preach tolerance by resorting to intolerance. Your conjuring negative stereotypes of gay men shows your real colors. Furthermore, you refuse to acknowledge the stated fact that it can be offensive (or insensitive at the least) to celebrate your rights in front of those who do not have the same ability to exercise it. Why are you so unwilling to acknowledge this? The most straightforward reason would be your anger at having your privileges curtailed.
On the larger point, I agree with those who think bachelorette parties should be banned. I’d love to see one of these parties try to commandeer a lesbian bar. I’d pay to watch that.
As for the law, the antidiscrimination laws only come into play if they are refused for their gender. If they are refused because they are a large party, are rowdy or drunk, or because the bar bans bachelor/ette parties, they are not being discriminated against under the law.
Sam Glass Jr.
@Dan Avery: It IS downright discriminatory to try to “BAN” anybody from going anywhere to have a good time, and I know that many gay men are still smarting from decades of having to tolerate the abuse of having to try to meet “on the DL” in local straight bars, when there was nowhere else for them to go.
But my pet peeve isn’t even with the girls whoopin’ it up and hollering and having a good time. NOTHING AT ALL wrong with that. They just need to understand that if they came to a place where they don’t expect to be oogled, leered at and pawed over by men, THEY SHOULD EXTEND US THE SAME COURTESY. Nothing is a faster party-killer than to have some drunk harridan leer at you and ask how BIG you are and if your BF is happy with it, (and I’m NOT referring to my hand or waist size.)
Shannon1981
@sandy k: Still insensitive and invasive. Their straight man woes are not our problem. Stop acting like we have an obligation to help solve their problems.
jar137
@Sam Glass Jr.: Although I agree that people should be at least decent tippers, I can’t agree with the rest of your argument. Let’s not forget that gay bars almost always charge a premium to their customers. Drinks are usually much more expensive than in comparable straight bars. I don’t have a problem with that, but it’s a factor you fail to mention.
jar137
@Clockwork: You make a fair point, under certain circumstances. If a gay party id denied at a restuaurant that allows other parties, that would pose a problem. Similarly, if a gay bar denied bachelorette parties, but allowed bachlor parties, this would pose a similar legal problem. However, banning large parties altogether in either establishment does not raise a legal problem.
Pattywack11
I use to be a “dick dancer” at a Dallas gay dance club (Village Station/S4) and we dancers abhored the bachlorette parties because: 1. They would ask if you’re gay, why, and if not, who were the straight dancers, because they thought straight dancers would pay more attention to them, and enjoy not getting tipped because a straight woman’s attention should be enough. 2. Saw you as a novelty–again a tip free novelty. 3. Saw the whole club as some kind of homosexual gimmick that should bow down to their girly naughtyness. 4. Like one bachlorette once told me as she was trying to convince me to buy all her girls a drink: “It’s like visiting one big queer zoo!” And no, they didn’t receive any drinks from me…
JayKay
@sandy k:
So the solution is to start bringing straight guys with us and tell them it’s open season on everything with a vagina…
Clockwork
@Dan Avery:
“cheekily remind girls in hen parties that its a little unfair to celebrate”
I can live with this…
Tom Wang
I would also say to stay the F*** out of our bars until we all have equal rights! Your p***y has no power here! And if you are a gay man reading this, STOP BRINGING YOUR FAG HAGS TO OUR BARS AND POLLUTING THE AMBIANCE!
Drew
PattyWack11 so you were a male stripper, big deal. No you should not be automatically tipped just because you’re dancing and taking off your clothing.
For a private show or lap dance I could see why tipping is mandatory however.
Joe dalmas
NO TOLERANCE FOR STRAIGHT BITCHES IN GAY BARS – PERIOD
GAY MEN AND LESBIANS ONLY POLICY
Bryan
Yes. While I thought the article and idea to ban women from gay bars I read on here a while ago was silly and unnecessary, I agree with the idea of banning bachelorette parties.
jonjon
So should gay bars only ban bachelorette parties in places where gay marriage is illegal? Canadian gay bars should continue to host parties as normal?
Joe stratford
T guerilla queer bar. Gays invade straight bars all the time.
mc
I’m going to assume the bars allow the parties because they want the cash that’s being spent there. Maybe they need to only have them on very slow nights & at very slow times.
Also I have this feeling, just like in restaurants, when you have a large group of people, gratuity/tip is built into the price being paid so not sure what all this grousing about tips is all about. They’re probably running a tab & at the end that tip is added to the tab–that’s the way restaurants & bars operate.
A couple years ago there was a topic on a talk radio show about how a group of women in a restaurant tend to be the loudest people in the whole place. Women tend to be loud in groups & can be annoying everywhere–maybe not take it personally & think they’re looking at you like people at a zoo.
Of course you can always ban these parties. But keep in mind your favorite bar may not be able to survive without the extra revenue they bring in, why else would they have them?
Mikey
Someone isn’t getting laid by going to Gay bars…. Here’s some news for you…. It’s not straight women’s fault. It’s also not their fault that you can’t get legally married.
Shannon1981
@Drew: ITs heterophobic to expect sensitivity and class?
Blah, bla..huh?
It took all of two people posting to come up with the silly and self serving judgement that Queers talking are not being “positive”. Positive is new slang for parasitic, apparently. Go spread your really good personality somewhere else, where people who know quality and integrity avoid. You know, like a straight bar with the douches you know you sponge off of for a living.
Riker
@Mikey: It isn’t directly their fault, no. However, odds are they are doing nothing to help fix the problem. Also, it is very rude to rub your special rights in the faces of people who don’t have them.
leathal
While I am down with this article and agree about the insensitivity and obnoxiousness of hoards of straight girls invading gay bars, I am once again absolutely disgusted with the blatant sexism spewed by my gay “brothers”. These women’s behavior may be annoying, but why do gay men so often have to resort to misogyny so easily? In the comments, women have been called hens and bitches more times than i can count. As a lesbian, I’d rather deal with straight women being annoying than put up with gay men being hateful any day.
Jeff
There are a lot of straight bars that don’t allow bachelorette parties too. At least some in NYC will not allow you to enter if you are wearing the silly regalia the partiers usually do. No veils, cock necklaces, etc. As someone who has worked at both straight and gay bars, I can report that no one really loves these parties, unless they’re attending them. I’ve been grabbed, groped, bumped into and shoved by these women who seem to think that being a bridezilla is cute. Guess what…it isn’t cute. Like Dan Avery said, at best it’s insensitive, at most it’s downright rude. When I worked in one particular gay bar, we would always have straight people having different degrees of sex on the dance floor. I think they must have thought that was what went on in gay bars, that ‘anything goes.’ We never hesitated to throw them out. If you are being disrespectful, you should be asked to leave. If you are being a bridezilla, you shouldn’t even be allowed to come in!
Eric
Banning all bachelorette parties seems pretty extreme (and unfair). Does that include lesbian bachelorette parties? What about gay men’s bachelor parties? I’m guessing none of us have a problem with them.
If there are particular bachelorette parties that are behaving obnoxiously, tell them so. Or even better, complain to the establishment, and hopefully the establishment will throw them out.
But a complete ban on heterosexual women’s bachelorette parties would end up discriminating against straight women who are regular patrons.
It would also be great news for bible-thumpers, who would use it as evidence that gays discriminate against heterosexuals, and use that to justify discrimination against gays.
Mark
Gays need their own space. Having these straight women (en masse) intrudes on gay rights. So many of our gay areas are being taken away. Just look at West Hollywood, New York or Oxford Street in Sydney. The straights have invaded! I say, keep these areas gay!
zach
@Raquel: it’s nasty straight girls like you who are ruining our bars just shut up amd let us have this one place all to ourselves huh?
PTBoat
@the other Greg: Yes, they can. Unless a state has specific protections for gay people, a business can “reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.” Also, establishments ban parties all of the time. Many fine dining restaurants, for instance, will not take a party over six.
Mark
I’m not a big bar person. But this discussion reminded me of a funny moment for me this past year – traveling with a gay companion in Europe, us being both in out late 40s, not gym bunnies and definitely more salt than pepper hair – and waiting in line for THE gay club and a group of like 12 beautiful women all dressed to the hilt in the line right before us all turned away and we said to each other ‘oh well, lets go’ before we were signaled right in.
Felt good. Not right I guess, but felt good.
Phantom
I do not have a problem with straight people going to lgbt bars to drink or meet friends. But I have a problem with the fact that they are flaunting about getting marry whether they know it or not. And most drama bitches do know and its very insensitive to lgbt people. lgbt bar is for lgbt people and lgbt supporters. Besides, not all married/fiances support gay marriage. My mother is married and also have few friends who are gay and treated them with respect and love, but she does not support gay marriage because she does not believe in it. So some of the ladies at gay bar have gay friends, but dont support gay marriage. So why should we let them have party in gay bar if they dont treat us with equal rights. I say to hell with them and im going gay bar to either get drinks or hopefully meet cute guys, not see bunch of ladies and hear their laughter and raving how awesome the bride getting marry and I dont have the right to a man who I love.
Dean Lowry
Ban bachelorette parties. In many jurisdictions, this would probably be legally within the establishments’ broader rights to refuse service to patrons on the ground that they’re being disruptive. Moreover, they could simply say they were banning them because they were straight, for which there is no remedy in most jurisdictions given that sexual orientation discrimination is legal.
Pan Am has spoken. Off to Paris with the gals. Love ya!
xoxo Dean
zach
@Tom Wang: thank you Tom that sums up the situation perfectly
RedAssault
What blows me away is how gay people get fingers shaken in our faces when we say “it’s really rude to rub our noses in how you can get married and we can’t.”
Then they say “how can you expect to have equal rights when you won’t treat people equally?”
to which I answer “I don’t have equal rights… and until I do, take your friends and their vaginas and get out.”
milkyway
The real point is how uncommon it is to find good manners in the east Village, period.
Raquel
@zach stop assuming. I’m not straight !
Martin
F@leathal: LOL How stereotypically lesbian. I guess selective vision compelled you to ignore when gay men get called “rancid queens” by a straight woman on a gay blog… Lesbians just dont really like men i guess
Martin
Funny to read the dancers account. Reminds me of someone who pointed out that when men go to strip bars they sit quietly with a beer and watch, while women when when they go to see strippers it develops into screaming, drunken mass hysteria. Women and men just dont party together in quite the same way…
Im annoyed too if the audience is too straight. Kind of misses the point of a gay bar
Mikey Rox
You people are a bunch of fools. The gays should be banned from any bar all together. Alcohol + homosexuals only leads to blowjobs in the bathroom. Offended by that? Just read what you’re saying. There’s a lot of assumption and generalizing happening here. What if straight bars banned gay guys? And black bars banned white people? Come on. Not every straight person is a bigot as many of you protest. How did you get so angry and misinformed anyway? Too much time at the gay bar? And to the commentor who thinks that only straight girls vomit in our bathrooms – puh-lease. I’ve only seen too-drunk gays puking in the stalls of my local, NYC gay bars. I’ve also seen some of them bleeding from the face and convulsing on the floor from stuffing too much powder up their nose. But I guess that gets a pass since there’s a penis involved. Grow up. Many of YOU are what’s wrong with the world today.
NsOmNiAc
This article was a waste of my time Dan Avery I want my five minutes back you fucking idiot. I can’t believe I even finished this stupid piece of shit article. Go get another job because you sure as hell can’t write!
zach
@Raquel: sweetie why are you trolling a gay website? just go and clean your guns and feed your husband and kids some frito pie hop into your pickup truck and leave us alone
Shannon1981
@Raquel: I’m a lesbian and you sure as hell are acting like a straight hag trolling a gay site. I call bullshit on this one.
John
We should always welcome anyone who wants to visit a gay bar and have a good time, as long as they are respectful and considerate of the gay clientele. If bachelorette parties offend you, maybe you should go to another bar, or speak to the manager of the bar to complain. Entitled, obnoxious behavior is equally offensive coming from straight people or gay ones.
Eric
I wasn’t AWARE this was a thing. My local gaybar held one of these couple of weeks ago. I just assumed it was a sign of the bad economic times. These women brought their boyfriends or husbands with them. It was a real circle jerk. This is now smart business. More money increases gay awareness IMO.
StPeteInk
I have very mixed feelings aboput this and reading through the posts thus far it did little to sway me anymore to either side. there are definatately ramifications of denying access to a group of people based on what they are celebrating. There are many reasons that go against the beliefs and values of the “majority” of the regular bar patrons that tend to stir up debate. However, I do a great deal of PR/Fund raising and spend most nights in lgbt bars (being a gay man myself) and have had multiple unfortunate incodents with this specific type of group. I’m sorry, but there is nothing more annoying than going out to celebrate my partner and I’s 10th year anniversary as boyfriends and having a tipsy young bride-to-be approach me asking if i want to give her a kiss in exchange for a dick-shaped lolli-pop safty-pinned to her sash. This instance hit me hard, maybe because up to that point i was delightfully caught up in a few drinks of my own that night in celebrating a mile-stone in my life, 10 years of bliss, and having someone approach me celebrating her legal marriage after 3 years of dating (yes i asked her). I simply looked at her and calmly (I surprized myself actually) asked “Why would i want to help you and your 5 girls celebrate an event in your life when you failed to notice the 20 people in my group who are here to help celebrate this event with me and my boyfriend? Not one of us have approached you to ask for anything in return to celebrate an event that has nothing to do with you. Congrats, i hope you both live in wonderful bliss until the end, and when one of you are sick and the other is at their bedside i hope you think of us, and realize after ten years of bliss I’m denied the ability to hold my partners hand as he sits in a hospital bed because we were never allowed the right to be married.” I do have to say she was quite floored, and respectfully her group left shortly after. I have no problem with any kind of people/parties enjoying the bar with me. But like anyone who is rowdy, obnoxious, uncontrolled and disrespectful… they need to go.
Chad
@John: I agree with what you are saying, BUT many places do not have “another bar” to go to. Thats why people become so upset over the issue. We don’t have a big choice of places to go to, the last thing we need are people in gay bars treating us like animals in a zoo.
Val
@Raquel
Given your obnoxious self-entitled behavior in these comments, there is no doubt in my mind that your lack even a shred of self-awareness and that the only reason you think everyone at the bar had a good time at your little tackyfest is because you are completely incapable of perceiving, much less caring about, the feelings of others. Go away. Like the bar patrons you tormented, NO ONE WANTS YOU HERE.
Cyn McCollum
I have mixed feelings about banning anyone from anywhere where they are meeting community standards of behavior. I don’t mind straight anyone in my space as long as they are well mannered, according to what is going on at the moment. Grabbing people is harassment. Wearing white is not. Loud in a quiet bar is not good, loud in a loud place is not. Bringing a cake and balloons? Does your bar allow birthday parties?
I can see bars specifically disallowing this sort of thing in advance, and I’d be comfortable with that. Let’s just be sure we are taking the high road and not being haters along with the haters.
Paul
It looks like, once again, my position as a gay teen is making me look at things from a different perspective than some of the older people on here. And as I read through all the angry comments from both sides on here, I can’t help but think: Who the fuck cares about gay bars anyway?
I get that back in the 60s, they were a necessity for meeting others like yourself, but nowadays I don’t need to go hide in a Gay Bar with Gay People in a Gay Neighborhood to feel safe or find a boyfriend. I’m an out gay jock in suburban Minnesota, and I’m one of the most popular guys in school. When me and my first boyfriend made our relationship Facebook-Official for three days before he dumped me, the replies were a solid mix of straight girls who said we were “fucking adorable XD” and straight guys who called me a “PLAYER!!! :P”.
I’m honestly not sure why so many people are still acting like gay bars are this Sacred Ground, safe from all the Evil Straight People when they’re, quite frankly, exactly like us. Making a bar where only gay people are allowed to have relationships is exactly as ridiculous as if my school only allowed straight people to have relationships.
Shannon1981
@Paul: They are still a necessity, and you still have a lot to learn.
It was just 7 years ago that I got bashed and had my skull cracked.People are still harassed ad nauseum in schools and college campuses. We still do not have equal rights.
The 60’s?!?! What the hell are you talking about? Honey I was born in ’81, and I feel this way. Know what else, you can still be fired and evicted just for being gay in 29 states. Up that number to 34 if you are transgender or gender variant. Also, if you hadn’t noticed, we are talking about throwing the biggest inequality in our faces, and using our spaces to do it, by the biggest thorn in our sides ever drunk straight women.
Also, just look around at the stead stream of suicides (the most recent right on the front page right now), even steadier stream of blowback for any sort of anti bullying protection whatsoever, and you see that your experience is simply not the norm. You are lucky. You are the exception rather than the rule. Also, the idea that someone who hasn’t been alive long enough to where his first relationship isn’t official until it’s “facebook official” knowing the real deal is laughable. Grow up and get back to me.
Stop being complacent and acting like there is equality. Nothing near it, dearie. You live in a bubble.
With all due respect, you know nothing.
Pickles
When LGBT folks have all of the same legal rights, privileges and allowances in society as straight folks THEN and only THEN can folks legitimately complain about straight people being discriminated against by gay people.
The entire country is dedicated to heterosexuality in all facets of society.
All THINGS ARE NOT EQUAL. Pretending that they are doesn’t make it so.
You can wish all you want that being gay doesn’t make you an oppressed or marginalized person, but YOU ARE BLANCHE, YOU ARE! DEAL WITH IT.
People always bring out that old saw horse “All discrimination is wrong” “What about the back of the bus?”
My aunt fanny!
Black people didn’t want to go to school with White people because they were just dying to be integrated. It had nothing to do with wanting to be “together”. They wanted to have an EQUAL OPPORTUNITY AT A GOOD EDUCATION. Black schools in Black neighborhoods could never be equal because they didn’t have access to the same municipal resources or support. That was the issue. Not the need for a melting pot of races co-educating. Integration was a way for Black children to have a shot at a good education BECAUSE of racism. It had nothing to do with wanting to sit next to each other and everything to do with Jim Crow and White privilege. If Black children could have stayed in their own neighborhoods and received equal education, they would have. It was safer and more conducive to learning and it would have meant not being mentally and physically abused at school every day.
The same is true for gay people and gay spaces.
For some reason straight women feel like they own gay men. They don’t have to respect the experiences of gay men, they don’t have to acknowledge that gay men MIGHT need a break sometimes from their female BFFs. They don’t care if the bars they are bacheloretting all over want them there. It’s straight privilege ignoring the needs of gay men.
There are millions of places where gay and straight people can hang TOGETHER. There are millions of places where straight folks can hang. There are a limited number of places where gays and/or lesbians can congregate in a queer positive space.
If straight women have a problem with the way straight men treat them in straight or mixed bars, DEAL WITH IT. Don’t just go running to the gay bars looking to be entertained by the happy dancing gay people.
The purpose of a gay or lesbian bar is to provide a safe and pro gay space for us to socialize and network and hang and party without having to deal with homophobia and straight people’s sensibilities.
Unless the revolution came in the U.S. and no one told me, the need for LGBT specific space is even MORE important than ever before.
I tell you what, have a bunch of gay men roll up into a straight by like McSorley’s in NYC in a gaggle, acting out, making out with each other, dancing on the bar, and kicking up their boots, grabbing random straight men’s crotch, patting them on the ass and see how long they last without being bashed.
Being straight women does not give you an all access pass to gay men 24/7. It’s not just ABOUT YOU!
It is ONE thing for a straight women to go to the local bar with her gay friend.
It is another thing for large groups of straight women just assume that it is okay to take over an entire side of a room or most of the dance floor in a gay bar AND expect the gay men in that bar to cater to and entertain them.
It’s called a GAY bar for a reason. Bars are about connecting, drinking and sex.
Regardless of the clientele. Straight bars are no different and to act like gay men are somehow wrong or seedy for wanting to pick up a dude at a bar is just homophobic.
If the gay men here don’t want to go to Gay bars because they don’t want to be separatist, then take your behinds to the straight bar and leave the gay bars to the rest of us.
We have to live in a world where the dominant culture is straight and heterosexual propaganda is all encompassing and ever present and we JUST NEED A FREAKING BREAK from the constant onslaught of heterosexist and homophobic “mainstream” hegemony (intentional or not).
Gay people are a minority. STILL. And we deserve to have spaces to congregate amongst ourselves without feeling like the object of a participant observer Anthropological exercise.
It has nothing to do with being ANTI-straight. It has to do with being PRO GAY.
Straight people aren’t being bashed in the street on their way out of bars for being straight.
Gay men aren’t waiting inside straight bars to attack straight men and beat them down for being straight.
Sometimes I feel like gay people are our own worst enemy.
We are so self conscious about being seen as “rebels” and undeserving and so desperate to have a seat at the imaginary table of power that we don’t realize the power we have in continuing to cultivate strong, supportive gay community spaces WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY fighting for lgbt rights and equality.
Wishing all things were equal and if we just hang out together homophobia will go away is the worst kind of magical thinking.
If straight women REALLY cared about gay rights and the equality of their gay male friends, they would have to be told or asked about having hen parties in gay bars. Because their own good sense and respect for the reality that LGBT people are still second class citizens in most states in the US would prevent them from seeing Gay men has their refuge from a straight male culture in which they are complicit.
Have your hen night at a male strip joint if you need to be around men so badly while celebrating your pending nuptials.
Val
@Paul
Good for you, Paul. As a teenager you’re pretty much expected to be oblivious to the reality outside your bubble and that you clearly are. No one’s going to have patience for your naïveté in the real world, so enjoy it while it lasts!
mc
I’m sure it’s nice for Paul to hear the It Gets Worse speech from the Adults on here.
@Paul Hopefully everything in school will continue to be good for you & your friends will continue to support. A gay bar can be a good place to hang out in, even with your boyfriend , where people won’t judge you. In a regular bar you still may run into trouble if you try to kiss or hold his hands. If you’re in a regular straight bar asking to buy a guy a drink can sometimes have serious consequences as gaydar is not foolproof & some will not hesitate to bash. So the gay bars serve a nice function now & gives you a safe space that’s still needed. When it’s no longer needed & people are no longer homophobic then they’ll probably disappear.
Shannon1981
@mc: Its not an It Gets Worse speech. It’s a reality he needs to know about, lest he get himself into trouble or worse.
Paul
Really? I sure seems to be a It Gets Worse message to me. Just because I haven’t been gay bashed doesn’t mean I’m going to. The very idea that being gay will inevitably lead to me living in constant fear of being hurt goes against every “It Gets Better” message out there.
And I’m not sure why you’re scared for me for… having straight friends? For not assuming straight people are homophobic until they prove me otherwise?
Shannon1981
@Paul: Because you are expressing the naive idea that straight people have no problem with us anymore and that you are not marginalized. And if you are smart, you WILL assume homophobia until proven otherwise, lest you wind up tied to a fence somewhere.
Its a harsh reality that you seem to want to pretend doesn’t exist. I also find it funny that a teenager thinks he knows better than grown folks. Then again, that is perceived invincibility and sheer ignorant arrogance of youth. Enjoy it, for it is a luxury.
mc
Wow– and on another thread people are mourning the loss of another teen by saying if only he could have realized how much better life would get for him. So this teen doesn’t feel marginalized now & maybe he will in the future or maybe he won’t be. He doesn’t need to be unhappy today because of what MAY happen in the future. How self defeating.
Charles Reagan
So I posted this article on my Facebook and got a surprising reaction. So I decided to blog about it. I’ve been noticing the bachelorette thing getting out of control and was happy to see a piece discussing it. A link to my thoughts is below…
http://notjustforgays.tumblr.com/post/21332495005/bachelorettes-vs-the-queers
John'77
Hmm…having come to this discussion out of curiosity (by way of original article) and then decided to stay to possibly gain a different perspective/insight (perhaps) on issue(s) that I normally would not be exposed to in “my” everyday life, I came away thinking this…”Wow! We really are all the same”!!!
I read all comments here, and on another page, and I must say to all those who posted…Thanks! Especially to those, you know who you are, that took the time to write honest, intelligent, heartfelt responses.
Obviously the bigger picture here is more complex than can be (or should be) discussed here.
The LGBT community wouldn’t allow it if it wasn’t financially positive. So either create an option that would generate as much, or more, revenue to replace it, or make them realize the long term loss as you take your business elsewhere. Or maybe have someone explain, at time of the booking, how not everyone can share in their bliss, and why, maybe with an informative handout/leaflet. And lastly alcohol fueled unacceptable behavour should be closely monitored by the bar itself.
But the main thing I will take from here is that fear, misunderstanding, bigotry and intolerance of anyone who doesn’t think or act exactly as I do, therefore they’re wrong, or inferior, in NOT exclusive to either side of this issue.
EastCoastMan
Hetros have enough places to go toi..where they feel PRIVILIGED. Their sense of entitlement is shocking.