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Sinful Homosexuals Needed to Take Care of Crazy Peoples’ Cats

Are you a basket case who thinks that you are going to ascend to heaven on May 22, but you are worried that your pet can’t come with you?

Well, you’re in luck! Just sign a contract with Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, and they’ll be sure to dispatch a blasphemer, heretic, or miscellaneous sinner to your house to collect your furry friend after the rapture. All for the low price of $135 — but can you really put a price on proper animal care?

Of course, this whole scheme assumes that pets won’t be taken up by the Lord. Who knows? Maybe He’s an appreciator of turtles and labradoodles. So, just to be on the safe side, we recommend that you baptize your rats and teach parakeets to recite scripture.