end times

Sinful Homosexuals Needed to Take Care of Crazy Peoples’ Cats

Are you a basket case who thinks that you are going to ascend to heaven on May 22, but you are worried that your pet can’t come with you?

Well, you’re in luck! Just sign a contract with Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, and they’ll be sure to dispatch a blasphemer, heretic, or miscellaneous sinner to your house to collect your furry friend after the rapture. All for the low price of $135 — but can you really put a price on proper animal care?

Of course, this whole scheme assumes that pets won’t be taken up by the Lord. Who knows? Maybe He’s an appreciator of turtles and labradoodles. So, just to be on the safe side, we recommend that you baptize your rats and teach parakeets to recite scripture.

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  • Shannon1981

    LMAO I read of this elsewhere. As someone said on Connexion, I think we should all rent a U Haul, scope out the richest Christians on the block, and see what we can get after they are gone.

  • Nat

    Animals don’t have souls, so they won’t be ascending anywhere.

    The pets will be an excellent source of protein once the world ends though.

  • judi Mark

    The man who makes those claims is showing his ignorance of what the Bible says; Jesus will return but He does not even know when– only God the Father knows. Message to us is be ready. Jesus told us that He is the way, the truth and the life and no man comes unto the Father but by Him. We are all sinners in need of a Savior…because God is a holy God who cannot even look upon sin; so that leaves everyone of us separated from God until we receive the forgiveness that Jesus died to obtain for us…the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ jesus the Lord. Now that is love in the purest sense.

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