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Soccer Is The First Spandex-Free Sport to Come Out

After World Cup stars starting unveiling their abs on the global stage, it was only a matter of time before soccer came out of the closet.

Beating Bryan Safi‘s Final Cut Pro skills to the punch, The Onion announces in this exclusive report that soccer is gay. The revelation of the sport’s sexuality shouldn’t surprise many: Most of the world has long embraced soccer, while the United States continues to shun it, just like other famous gays.

The news comes on the heels of swimming and diving announcing they are in a long-term gay relationship, and speculation that equestrianism is about to make a major coming out announcement.