Soccer Is The First Spandex-Free Sport to Come Out

After World Cup stars starting unveiling their abs on the global stage, it was only a matter of time before soccer came out of the closet.

Beating Bryan Safi‘s Final Cut Pro skills to the punch, The Onion announces in this exclusive report that soccer is gay. The revelation of the sport’s sexuality shouldn’t surprise many: Most of the world has long embraced soccer, while the United States continues to shun it, just like other famous gays.

The news comes on the heels of swimming and diving announcing they are in a long-term gay relationship, and speculation that equestrianism is about to make a major coming out announcement.

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  • whatever

    Lotsa eyecandy in the world cup. That’s why I watch! ;)

  • jason

    American gridiron is homophobic because of the large numbers of black players. Black culture is homophobic.

    Black men are pathetic and shockingly homophobic in every aspect of their lives. Time to push the flush button on black culture if we’re ever going to achieve equal rights.

  • Phil

    Jason you are an idiot. Black culture encourages homophobia and a large percentage of them are homophobic, but to lay down a blanket statement and say that all black men are homophobic is just flat out wrong. You’re wrong on a matter of logic. Which isn’t to say you’re stupid, which racism is, but it means that you jumped to the wrong conclusion.

    Also you’re stupid.

  • Michael

    @jason: If you haven’t noticed, lately it appears the percentage of gay men in the black population is far more than that in other races so of course it’s homophobic. Those who are the gayest always are.

    btw, OF COURSE soccer it the gay sport since it has the biggest number of fine f’n men playing it. It’s like saying golf if the straightest sport because it’s a bunch of old, out of shape men.

  • whatever

    @Phil: Plus there is qualitatively and quantitatively more and worse homophobia in the white community. White politicians in legislatures all over this country enact anti-gay laws.

    Gay bashings, like the one with those two marines are often perpetrated by whites.

    White homophobia is a scourge. When will it end?

  • Troy Boy

    @jason: “Black culture is homophobic.” I can’t imagine why you would make such a stupid comment. There are homophobic people in every culture including our own. Are there more homophobic people in the black community than any other? I do not know and I do not care. I handle homophobia the same no matter the source. I’m out and set a good example and that usually stops any homophobia and helps build allies. I have many black friends. Some need a little education about gays and I am happy to educate whenever and where ever I can. I strongly believe that coming out and/or educating people is the best way to find acceptance in any culture. Stereotyping is definitely NOT the answer.

  • jason

    Black culture is exceptionally homophobic. If they could, blacks would destroy us. Stop making nice with people who want to destroy us.

    The great problem with the GLBT community is that you accept your fellow victim classes (blacks, women etc) without really questioning their bona fides. What qualifies them to be considered friends of the gay community? Simply being a fellow victim class isn’t sufficient in my view.

    Again, stop making nice with people who want to destroy us.

  • jeffree

    How can Jason’s racist ignorant rants keep bypassing Queerty’s moderâtion?
    This site is falling apart due to the bigot tròlls.

    Flag his posts.

    He and his derañged collection of sock puppets are chasing away decent commenters, advertisers & well-informed people who REMEMBER to take their meds !

  • suprman

    I have never commented before on this site, but this thread made me want to.

    @jason – You are literally insane – and I’m not trying to say that in a bad way. I used to think it was just that you were misinformed or lacked the knowledge needed to make educated comments. You think that Black culture wants to destroy GLBT culture. While I agree that there are some people in that community that are not friendly to our cause, saying that they are our enemies makes no sense. How do you justify black people that support our cause, both gay and straight? They are out there and in force.

    As for other “victim” classes, I’d like not to think of myself as a victim, and I’m sure women and black people would agree with me. In order to win equal legal rights, women and the black community had to work years, decades to win protections under the law and legislation guaranteeing those rights. As members of the GLBT communuity, we need all the allies we can find out there in order to win our own legal equality under the law, and blanket statements like your don’t help anything. I’m mean – should we turn down a donation to the HRC or GMHC because it comes from a black person, who you believe is an enemy?

    OK done with my rant for the night.

  • Troy Boy

    @jason: “Stop making nice with people who want to destroy us.” Really? So I should what? Make angry with people who want to destroy me? That should work. Assuming I would ever believe black people want to “destroy” me in the first place.

    I stand by my original statement. Coming out is key to gaining equality. When coming out is unsafe, education steps in. I will continue coming out to everyone I can and educating whenever possible. I guarantee this will do more toward making the world a better place than your racism ever will.

    It seems you are aggressively proud of your ignorance. You cannot educate the unwilling. Therefore, you are on you own.

    End Rant

  • james_from_the_great_city_of_cambridge

    @jason: Seriously Jason (a.k.a. Jesse Helms, Kevin C. etc.), get a job. How can one man have so much free time to post on the same subject under a thousand different names? You are a sad pathetic loser with absolutely no life and that ain’t Black people’s fault.

  • jason

    One of the keys to achieving gay equality is to know your enemies and to not make nice with your enemies. By enemies, I mean anyone and everyone who commits a homophobic act in word or deed. This includes blacks, women, gays, conservatives…you name it.

    Yes, you did hear right when I said “gays”. My view is that gay people themselves are impeding the advance of gay rights, and are thus the enemy. Most gay men would rather take drugs and dance than haul their indifferent carcasses to a gay rights rally.

    By all means, support blacks without condition. But you’re cutting your own throats. Imagine the black man with a turban and a Koran. Would you still support him? If not, why would you support a black man making a fire and brimstone speech in a black church with a black congregation swaying and eyes rolling?

    On an individual basis, blacks can be wonderful people. But their culture – ie their admired institutions – are terminally homophobic. Wake up before it’s too late.

  • jason

    Oh God! I’ve gone and written nonsense again! I apologize to all Queerty readers; my lack of functioning brain cells and membership in Daughters of the Confederacy (while I don’t technically have lady parts, I am hung like a six month old so they allowed me to join), tends to make me black out and spew all over Queerty. I will now stop, put on my adult diapers and go right to sleep.

  • jason

    because my microscopic male member does not attract attention from the big hairy black mens, i have learned to despise them. if i caused offense to the foreign menses then i am sorry but i really am still getting trained to use pampers properly, and so i am to bussy to pay attention to all foreigner peoples on this here blog

  • jason

    @jason: ok, i am good at this posing-posting buziness but u are REALLY good at it!
    Kudos to you.

    Me & mom faced down jennifer jasôn h€lms & got it sorta kinda evicted, but i gotta go prepare for my examms so i am gonna quit this here blog.

    carrie on, stay brave & keeeeep away from super-hero night-wear.

    Spiderman is totally fetching nonetheless….

  • Troy Boy

    @jason: WOW! Your one-woman show could be a hit in bigot town. Say hello to Jesse, Kevin, and the rest of your deranged personalities for me. Not falling for your rhetoric again!

  • jason

    @Troy Boy: Until Queerty finds a way to stop racist, homophobic xenophobic rants, we ALL should post as Jason!

  • declanto

    This is soooo irrelevant. How about we go back to the top and remind ourselves what this thread is about? This race crap gives me the queasies.

Comments are closed.