“Would you ever date someone who is disabled?”
I was 15 minutes into a podcast interview when the question came up. I should have known. I was being interviewed about being gay and disabled after all, something I’m contractually obligated to talk about 587,000 times a year, it seems. I was a pro at this; I should have been armed and at the ready.
Nevertheless, the question hit me like a ton of bricks. Fortunately, I’d worked in PR long enough to know how to handle the question.
“Of course, yes!” I answered without a beat, “I suppose the opportunity simply has never presented itself.”
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Which, technically, was true. All my boyfriends up to that point had been physically able-bodied. Hell, I had never talked to another disabled guy on Grindr, let alone seen another disabled fellow in a bar. So, of course I would date someone who is disabled… So why hadn’t I?
Up until that interview, the question of dating someone like me never crossed my mind. I just always assumed I would date someone who wasn’t disabled. Any alternative scenario never seemed like it would ever become a reality. I was enough of a burden, I would tell myself. Why date someone else who was disabled? As a teenager, I grew up thinking nobody would ever want me. I didn’t see myself as desirable, as sexy, as someone worthy of dating, all because of how my legs moved. I would spend hours wishing I was different. I thought there was something wrong with me, and eventually, believed it… so much so that it became ingrained in me. It never dawned on me how and why this way of thinking was extremely problematic.
Which seems odd looking back. In nearly every column I write, I tell people what not to say to people who are disabled, why you should not completely shut us out from your dating pool, and why you should f*ck us. And yet, here I was, a complete and utter hypocrite. How could I preach about dating disabled folks, when my own way of thinking completely contradicted that?
That podcast interview was in October 2017. It’s been two years since, and I still think about it often. I like to think I’ve evolved, and that my internalized ableism (a Google search defines that as “discrimination in favor of able-bodied people,” how exciting!) has magically been absolved, or that I have had a total come-to-Jesus moment. But the truth is, I haven’t. I still struggle, and have yet to find a spell powerful enough to rid me of my own ableism (anyone else feel like watching Harry Potter?). There are still moments where I am transported to my younger years, questioning how I was ever able to find someone who actually wanted to be with me.
It would be easy to blame it all on my upbringing, on society. But the fact is, I am a product of my own society, so I’m also part of the problem. But I am trying. I think simply being aware of my own ableism has helped me, and I take comfort in knowing other disabled folks are struggling with the same thing. I’ve realized that overcoming ableism doesn’t happen overnight and unfortunately there is no right way to do it. It takes conscious effort (and thought) to fight. It’s something I work at on the daily. God knows, I would love this to be like an after school special, but I’ve realized I need help to move past it. Help by talking. Help by asking questions, both within myself and to others. Help to know why I think the things I’ve thought for so long. It’s a constant battle, but a crucial one.
And maybe that’s the point. Maybe we could all use some help in confronting and ultimately tearing down our own damaging thoughts and beliefs that have become instilled in us. All it takes is a single brick. Or if you’re like me, a metaphorical ton of them.
Josh Galassi is very gay and very disabled, if you haven’t noticed. Sometimes, he writes about both those things, and sometimes, he doesn’t. He lives in Seattle with his boyfriend and their dogs Eudora and Carmen Sandiego, who, it turns out, was on Craigslist the entire time (where they bought her). You can find him on Facebook and Twitter, or at a nearby coffee shop obsessing over cold brew.
WashDrySpin
if mentally disabled counts then most people that you and others have met on Grindr and other hook up acts have more than fulfilled your quota
thisisnotreal
Makes me feel like **** to admit but as a wheelchair bound person myself I’ve thought about this question a lot in the past and I’m not sure if I would date another disabled person. My life already has a lot of complications and unusual circumstances I have to deal with and I don’t know if I would have the strength of character to deal with mine and someone else’s disability on top of a relationship and make it all work at once. But then again I already deal with a lot of insecurity and thoughts of feeling like a burden on normal society and people so who knows, never say never I guess.
Nightman
I’ve dated 2 men with physical challenges, & 3 with mental, emotional, personality & health (hiv) challenges. I never saw them as “disabled”. I’m interested in the whole person, & part of that is the challenges they deal with. Then, 17 years ago I was gay bashed & ended up a paraplegic. After I’d adjusted to my new way of life, I tried desperately to date. I had been very popular, had many friends, never had a problem finding a guy, dates, & 2 very successful ltrs. After the gay bashing I lost almost all of my friends, I couldn’t get a date to save my life, a few hookups that just wanted to use me (& wanted money), etc. I still functioned fine sexually, I prefer to top. There were a few positions I couldn’t do anymore. I became a 2nd class person & invisible in my own community. I couldn’t understand why. The Gay community had fought for hundreds of years against discrimination, yet they practice it openly amongst themselves. The truth is if a guy isn’t buff, blond, twinky’ish, rich, very well endowed, etc; all the shallow attributes gay guys look for in a trik/date/partner, then you’re off the “A list”. Then I met a great guy. We had a long wonderful loving relationship, (13 years) until I grew to old for him. He didn’t want to deal with what he saw coming as I got older & would need more assistance. I got replaced by a much younger “normal” guy. Now as I head into my senior years my prospects are nonexistent. There’s a saying that the worst part of growing old is being alone. Try being old, alone, gay & disabled.
Nightman
Now, I would definitely date & persue a relationship with another disabled gay man. I did before I was disabled, & I will again. It’s the person I’m interested in. Now I will better understand the challenges he may be facing & together we would be stronger. I find disabled people work harder at relationships than others. The issue is other disabled gay men don’t want another disabled gay man as their partner. Again, I don’t understand why. What a fickle lot we are. So now I wheel through life hoping to find another “Mr. Right”, with or without his own “wheels” (in what ever form that challenge may be).
Den
I find this article exceedingly strange. This man is flogging himself for something he has never had the opportunity (by his own admission) to try! He says he has never seen another disabled man in either a bar or on any app. So he clearly has no reason to assume he would not date, or have misgivings about dating another disabled man…if that man met other criteria. Seeking someone out on the basis of their disability pretty much screams “fetishist! And the notion of “internalized ableism” is at best hypothetical in his case.
Back in the sex crazed 70’s I lived in a victorian flat with a number of “A gay” men, though I was not quite of their caliber by any means. There was a constant stream of hot men who came by for casual sex with one or more of the roommates, and a few we shared (a few were crazy enough about redheads to go for me though I was not particularly buff or a pretty boy, i had those green eyes and that red hair). Plus frequent parties.
There was one man who had suffered polio as a child, and his legs had been severely damaged. he had to wear braces and use crutches or a wheelchair to get around, it was incredible to see him manage our two steep flights of stairs. But he was handsome, and ridiculously muscular from the waist up, and nobody seemed to care at all that he had those “withered” legs. But he was so damn stuck up he couldn’t even be bothered to admit I existed. I would have loved to play with him, but he couldn’t even lower himself to be civil, and if I’d see him in the street and say hello, he’d act as if he had no idea who I was.
There are those who are internalize disability. There are those whose disability is intrinsically internal. There are those who raise above it, and there are those who manage to be thoughtless a$$holes in spite of it, or perhaps because of it.
So ultimately I think it is like anything else…how you deal with it.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Josh, Comming from your perspective can understand yours and thisisnotreal’s feelings on this situation.
However for anyone else rejecting someone for having a disability is just wrong or any other obnoxious “reason” such as a small dick is missing out on the possibility of experiencing awesome sexual adventures, and a possible awesome relationship.
I used to bartend at a Gay bar. This guy with mild cerebral palsy used to come in. Although extremely attractive, he was an obnoxious unfriendly jerk. One night at closing time after dealing with him all night I asked him what his problem was. He replied because no one is attracted to him and he was certain people always were talking about him.
I replied he was in fact correct, people WERE talking about him. Saying how absolutely hot he was but because of his nasty attitude no one was interested in talking to him. He was incredibly attractive, beautiful Tom Daly like face. He was really taken aback and asked “do you think I am attractive?”. I replied with a few minutes long make out session. He became a regular FB and slowly came out of his shell, met a really good guy and they been together over 20 years now
MISTERJETT
two of my exes have been mentally disabled. they would have to be to treat me as badly as they did.
MountainCowboyMan
“With Disabilities You Have Many Abilities 24/7”! The Rest Of The Story Page 2…..& You Write It & Own It By Living Your Own Page 2 In Life! 🙂 Realize We Are Born & We Live & One Day, In Just One Minute Or Less, We Leave This Planet We Are All Visiting On & Return To The Stars We Have All Evolved From. Some People Will Talk & Talk & Never Accomplish The Joy & Pleasures In Loving Their Fellow Persons. As For Falling In Love It Never Is Ordered Through Amazon Or Any Other Trick Web Site. Falling Into UnConditional Love’n Relationship Cum’s Without Notice Or Pre-Planning. Some People Want To Always Live Solo & Some Have Tricks Their Whole Life, Some Want To Have One Relationship To Follow Another One & Some of Us Are The Kind To Only Want & Live In A Very Genuine & Caring & Hot Give & Exploring Monogamous Relationship The Rest of Our Lives. I Have Always Been A Man Who Enjoy’s Looking At The Menu Butt I Say Butt I Never Order In A Monogamous Relationship. Everyone Is Wired Different. Never, Ever Attempt To Clump Everyone To Be Only One Way Or The High-Way! Have A Great Next Minute! 🙂
James Hart
Gay culture lionizes great looks and the appearance of good health. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if many gay men would never dream of having sex with, let alone partnering with, someone who’s disabled.