Let’s be real… size matters.
There will always be size queens–men whose obsessions with large members matter more than the person it’s attached to, and who won’t entertain the idea of anything shorter than a footlong sandwich even when they themselves are closer to a six-inch–but for many of us, size only matters in that it often dictates the roles we think we (or our hook-ups) fall into.
If you are particularly large, for example, a lot of guys will expect you to play the top. They want to take advantage of that, ahem, girth. Some might even argue that it’s simply a waste of a perfectly good tool if it’s not used in the way they expect. On the contrary, if guys are average or on the smaller size, they might feel pressured to play the more passive role based on assumptions that “small = bottom.”
So, where did this all originate? Is it some sort of evolutionary drive that the larger guy must always be the “masculine,” dominating one in the bedroom? Or does it come from some social construct we’ve adopted over time, which says that if you’re smaller, you shouldn’t want to do anything else but receive? Whatever the origin, these paradigms are often incorrect and limiting.
How about we take this to the next level?
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Size matters beyond what’s packed inside our boxer briefs. Guys with larger bodies–whether they are taller, stockier, beefier, or rounder–are also often expected to play a certain role. I think back to the viral video meme several weeks ago with the guy talking about his upcoming “date” (with his mom in the room, no less).
“You know, the guy I’m talking to is 6’4”,” he tells his mom. “Can’t wait to get my sh*t wrecked!”
MOM OF THE YEAR https://t.co/s2Rp95In4O
— @DCHomos (@DCHomos) November 29, 2019
The nature of this statement assumes that just because the guy coming over to play is super tall, it means he’s going to be an aggressive top. Sure, maybe his trick already confirmed this, but chances are the young man in the video is just assuming.
Humans often place people into specific boxes. Categorizing makes the world feel more manageable. It helps us know what to expect and how to interact with others. But the problem with categorization is that it’s not always correct. Perhaps the lanky “date” referred to in the video likes nothing more than to be on all fours with a little “bro” taking him from behind? Or maybe he’s not into anal at all? Sadly, he wasn’t never even given the chance.
Societal expectations are rampant everywhere. It’s our task, as fully actualized queer people, to reject them if they aren’t authentic to who we are. Just because you’re 5’6″ and have a small frame or an average-sized penis doesn’t mean that you always want to be pinned back and thrown around by a domineering “masc” dude. Maybe you actually want to be the one in control. Maybe you prefer to bottom for someone who’s smaller (which is often the case!). Or maybe you like a multitude of body types and roles.
Whether you’re a top, a bottom, vers, or a side, it’s important to own your preferences, even when others might be expecting otherwise. On the apps, state your preferences up front to avoid having to debunk any future assumptions. Get in the habit of stating your truth, even when it feels difficult or like you might be disappointing someone. By doing this, you won’t be settling for something you don’t really want, and you’ll be more likely to have pleasurable sexual experiences. But more importantly, you’ll feel better about yourself because you honored your true feelings.
So yes, size matters, but it’s often more about function and role than anything else. Debunk those expectations if they don’t feel right to you. You’re too complex to be put in a box.
Oh, and lastly, for all you size queens out there, might I suggest asking yourself whether you’re looking to hookup with an actual person, or if your goal is simply to fulfill a fetish.
If it’s the former, don’t forget that you’re having sex with a person, not just a penis. And if it’s the latter, know that you’re closing yourself off to tons of great guys just because 98% of them (including, most likely, yourself) don’t fit into some idealistic fantasy. Those enormous Sean Cody guys you lust over aren’t accurate depictions of real life, and you could be missing out on great sex or connections by pretending that they are.
Jake Myers is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space, the first online therapy platform for and by the LGBTQ community. He has a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy.
Cam
The author doesn’t seem to know whether he wants to write an article about guys with big members, or guys who are tall.
salumbre
There is a reasonable expectation for tall individuals to be proportionately endowed. (See Young Frankenstein: “He would have an enormous Schwanzstucker!”)
Of course reality tends to mess with expectations and stereotypes.
baggins435
Seems to be equating big dicks with large men. I’ve never understood size queens anyway. I’m in my late 50s and I’ve only seen one guy with 9″ and he was only 2″ taller than me. Of course, for the most part porn plays into the “big dick top” fantasy, since they cater to their audience. Too me, having a size preference is as pointless as only wanting a blond. You have what you’re born with.
scottjamesmiller
Didn’t Dr. Jake have any clients the day he penned this. I’ve read better disclaimers on Rx.’s. Jake Meyers “has a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy.” Not very affirmative. He can’t crush my dreams.
TomG
The author makes it sound like shorter have smaller “parts” which is NOT true by any means. My partner of 31 years is only 5′-6″ tall and is endowed well above average. The author seems to be perpetuating an incorrect stereotype.
Thad
Bless them all.
ShiningSex
IF YOU’RE A SIZE QUEEN, THEN BLESS YOUR HEART. YOU’RE SHALLOW AND PROBABLY NOT GOOD IN BED, SO YOU HAVE HIGH EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS BUT NOT OF YOURSELF. MOST MEN ARE AVERAGE IN SIZE AND THAT’S A FACT. PORN STARS ARE HIRE FOR A CERTAIN REASON. DUH!!!!
MOST OF THEM ARE PROBABLY NOT GOOD IN BED EITHER BECAUSE MOST DON’T SEEM TO HAVE GOOD MOTION.
A GOOD LAY IS ACCORDING TO GOOD MOTION AND TECHNIQUE QUEENS, NOT SIZE. IF THEY HAVE BOTH THEN I GUESS YOU ARE A STAR, BUT QUEENS TEND TO BE SO SUPERFICIAL, IT’S SAD.
ALSO, YOUNG QUEENS, GET BETTER TASTE IN MUSIC.
jheryn
The person matters to me most. Big, average, or small doesn’t matter.
Honestly, I’m one of those guys with expectations to top. Sorry, that isn’t me. I can’t knock someone for their preferences, however. You like what you like. Maybe it is just those with issues who are bothered by size queens.
You need to be open with preference and role whatever the may be.
Amber LeMay
I’m not a size queen… but I can be impressed.
Goforit
How dare you steal my line! Damn You!
WSnyder
In my ‘mind’s eye’, I have the image of the perfect pizza. I know how I’d want it to look, smell and taste like. When I order a pizza, they often do not meet that expectation, however some are close and sometimes what I get is a lot different, but just as good as what I was expecting. Just because I probably won’t get the perfect pizza, doesn’t mean I won’t order one. It’s OK to have that image in my head so long as I can deal with and still enjoy the pizza I actually get. Sometimes getting a deep dish instead of that perfect Sicilian is perfectly OK.
Oh and if you’re obsessed with the c*ck and view the guy attached as simply a life support system, you need serious help.
animatedgifman
A highly entertaining and informative article on Queerty that wasn’t merely ‘click-bait’ in its title or tone and the message sent (and received here) was spot on! I hope this is a sign of better content than last year… and thank you for your post, Jake Myers! I will be watching for more from you in the future. 🙂
frankcar1965
This is Queerty, nothing is going to change for 2020 so get used to it.
Bob LaBlah
You said this to your MOTHER and then posted it online as though you should be rewarded for doing that? My midwestern upbringing will not allow me to condone this. Hopefully the entire thing was staged because if it wasn’t I leave wondering if she hung around to watch or worse yet film this tryst. My god. This is just outright SMUT.
nitejonboy
Yeah that whole video just makes me sick to my stomach…I don’t care how close you are to your mother, some things should remain private…have some friggin dignity…gross!!
nitejonboy
Now having said that, the kid is hot, I would wreck him too,lol
nm4047
next time you’re down on your knees, do say one for me. 🙂 Your moral compass seems to have lost it’s bearing.
scotshot
You’re merely a closeted Trumpette. The hypocrite who gay bashes in public while demonstrating his moral superiority to all the fag deviants.
He then goes home and sits on his fire hydrant dildo.
F*** off.
Jack Meoff
What a surprisingly disappointing article given the clickbait title.
Polaro
I like ’em big in porn, I’ll admit. In real life, it is more about the man it is attached to.
GymMan456
Pictures have so little to offer, they better be beautiful and impressive to use my attention. And I have stopped feeling guilty about that, while looking at real people i look for so many different things. Pictures cannot compete with real people.
ken02177
How’s about we stop shaming size queens? In my experience the only guys that have a problem with them are the ones who don’t measure up.
pharaon.em.joe
Right. I have a similar observation. The author of the article is shaming size queens.
nitejonboy
I used to have a fairly large member when I was younger, then gained a bit of weight and the position of the weight and bones and all that caused me to shrink down there…now I’d love to have my big package back and am slowly losing the weight, but what this has taught me over the years is to value the person and the experience more than any particular parts, I’ve lost interest in certain sexual activities and gained more interest in others, which shows me you adapt to what you have and learn to appreciate what you do and don’t have…yes, we all love a big dik, but if you don’t value the person attached more, then you don’t deserve it.
ImSoRich
I have also found that big-dicked guys (and I mean min. 8″ fat) get obnoxious and entitled when they get a lot of attention. So my attraction there ends the moment I orgasm………and begins again 20 minutes later. Ugh.
pharaon.em.joe
I am a proud size queen, and don’t you dare shame me for this.
ImSoRich
LOL I am too!!! I like being with a guy who is larger than me. he should be at least as big as me.
CMarks
Two things I can’t stand, size queens and guys with little dicks.
ImSoRich
LOL. same here!!
WashDrySpin
AMEN!!!!
Goforit
Literally the best comment on this site in months.
CityguyUSA
Aren’t they the same?
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
You can’t stand someone cause they have a small dick?
I can’t stand shallow obnoxious Dbags who are missing out on some amazing sex partners
(To preempt the inevitable “cause you have a small dick, it’s WELL above average (
WashDrySpin
@PlaysWell
I guess you have a very small one….no matter what you say…you told Queerty that you are small in more ways than one…
Lastly, it was a joke…climb off that barbed dildo you got for Christmas
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
WashDrySpin; coming from a Dbag who identifys with a picture of a man who has waged war on the Gay community with his Judicial appointments, policies and bowing to the far right extremists your comments are beyond insignificant….
inbama
There are size queens, face queens, muscle queens, rice queens, trade queens, sandwich queens, and the list goes on.
What is this ridiculous Queerty habit of shaming people for their preferences?
nm4047
simplest explanation is far too much influence by porn, be it str8 or gay, porn gives (generally guys) the expectation that this is what is the norm in size or behavior.
WashDrySpin
I love being a size queen and I am a top
j41005
I’m 6’2” and have a 6.5in dick. Being tall does not equal a big penis.
WashDrySpin
I am 6’4 and have a true 9.5 inches…it is a good thing for me and my husband
Guy12345678
Height almost never means a big dick. In my experience, the tallest guys I hooked up with were some of the smallest.
CityguyUSA
In my experience the more the twinkish they are the bigger the dick but they usually like to take more than give.
Black Pegasus
Can Queerty please get better content for 2020?
frankcar1965
Why would they? Nobody’s coming here for the Pulitzer prize winning literature articles.
eeebee333
We like what we like. The end.
krandall
I love this mom and son. You’d have to have grown up with my mother to appreciate their relationship. The right admixture of personalities can result in how funny a mother and son can be together being brutally honest, ironic and sarcastic simultaneously with a foundation of love, humor and sympatico as the foundation. I totally get this relationship. It made me laugh so loud my husband came to see what was so funny. (And I’ll bet the son is versatile or a power bottom.) I want to meet these people!
Aires the Ram
Big or small, I like ’em all!!!!
michel_banen
That’s a lot of text to say nothing at all.
Dymension
“Get in the habit of stating your truth, even when it feels difficult or like you might be disappointing someone.”
It’s a shame that stating your truth has to feel difficult in 2020.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Q: How come guys in porn always have big dicks?
A: Because they have big dicks…
WashDrySpin
so you will never be in porn…gotcha!
travler800
They all don’t. Some of it is camera angles and and some are show-ers and some are growers.
Some have great bodies and some not.
sillyme
PLAY WELL WITH OTHERS, the men in porn are hired for 1 reason nice bodies and able to get a hard on in about 2 seconds that’s it nothing else but hey if that’s what floats your fantasy go get one and see how much personality that guy even has, I prefer a live man with a real life that you can relax with or go to the movies and sit with and enjoy his company over one that has sex for a paycheck and not for pleasure for that’s not a life at all I don’t think. I have dated several men with large members and non large members and they all were very much gentlemen to me and I could eat out with them and not get harassed by anyone for squat and pay and leave and go onto the next thing we had planed not having to worry, Get off your stupid soap box and wake up and smell the reality for once and wake up into life.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Hey Dbag, how’s about you look at commemt
I posted above regarding someone who put down guys with average sized dicks? I have been with many small sized guys. What I said was simply a fact guys in porn are in porn because they have big dicks..
bftlguy
What nobody has mentioned in this thread is how the top uses his equipment whether it’s 3.5” 12” or any point in between. It seems to me guys with dicks 6” and below that also lack girth seem to think that the “jackhammer on crack” technique is the correct choice. When it flies out (and it will) they don’t guide it back in and when they miss proper re-entry it can be painful and cause injure the bottom. Likewise guys with major endowment also need to develop their technique to relax a bottom who lacks the “experience” of the gaping holed bottom they just plowed at a bath house. Every bottom has a unique infrastructure and a good top needs to work on angles, rhythm, velocity and depth of each thrust, and develop the skills to make any bottom happy.
travler800
Great response. Right on point.
lambchopp59
I suppose I’m nearly the polar opposite of “size queen” in many ways. My own slightly larger than average endowment only performs tremendously in highly comfortable settings. But the bottom half of my versatile nature finds a less than average length member on any partner far more intriguing, exciting, throatable without gagging. Was that too much information?
I feel the same about porn models. So few stars with average or smaller equipment, yet so attractive. I wish the porn industry would consider more average build guys, not just the one super-gym-sculpted model after another. There are better selections available in recent years among the amateur videos, nearly the only ones I’ve purchased. Seems for so long there were only thousands of videos of the muscle bound Castro cloned twinks, and the only alternate were really big “bears”, and nearly nothing between, nothing to satisfy the voyeuristic curiosity about the man-next-door, naturally bulit beauties!
frankcar1965
Try looking at the Daddies, they are what you want. There’s a lot more than gym bunnies. The problem is that all you nasty queens want the bunnies but say you don’t, that’s why they are all there. You people are nasty biatches.
HankHarris
The bigger the dick, the lazier the lover in my experience
Michael618
Total BULLSHIT STORY. THERE ARE THIN GUYS with big dicks that won’t bottom at all and that’s a waste in itself. So no, this guy don’t know what the hell he’s talking about.
aidanbh
On a practical note, since the average rectum is around 3″ long, and stretches to around 6″ on penetration (curiously, the exact same dimensions as the average vagina), then what use is some 10″ penis in the first place, if they can get only 60% of it in and ‘waste’ the other 4 inches? An average rectum requires an average penis (and vice versa – with the emphasis on ‘vice’) for maximum pleasure. And very much the same argument when it comes to oral sex.
Size is a matter of aesthetics, popular culture and vanity, popularised in the West only since the late 1800s (the ancient Greeks, Romans, Egyptians, Persians, Hebrews, Moors and Gauls all thought that large penises were disgusting), especially with its promotion in the pornographic periodical of the times, “The Pearl”, and its follow-on, “The Oyster”. They introduced the notion of the supposèd advantage and prowess of certain physical attributes. And many shallow and weak-minded people have followed suit ever since.