STDs Can Be Pretty Scary

A really good fuck can have totally frightful consequences. We’re sure a lot of you will be out and about this pre-Halloween weekend, so we’d like to remind you to use your noggin and keep your sexual selves safe.

That’s why we’ve made a visually stimulating field guide for you. Microscopic slides of the most common diseases definitely catch the eye, but the gory details will make you wary of catching the nasty bugs we’ve wrangled.

Before you begin, however, keep in mind we’re no experts and this isn’t a comprehensive list. The Center For Disease Control definitely gets down and dirty, so we recommend you familiarize yourself with their website. If you’re not too scared, of course.

chlamydia.jpeg
Name: Chlamydia

How You Get It: Anal, Oral or vaginal sex. The bacteria can also be passed from mothers to their unborn babies. In some cases, Chlamydia can cause a spontaneous abortion.

Gory details: One of the most common STDs in the world, Chlamydia infects about four million Americans each year. This bacteria’s a sneaky fucker and doesn’t always exhibit symptoms, particularly for women. When it does show its face, Chlamydia may bring odd vaginal discharge or bleeding, fever, pain during sex, pee pain, abdominal pain. Basically, it’s a pain. For men, you too may experience the sharp pain while urinating, your balls may ache and get a light creamy discharge. It can also leave you infertile. Not cute. Oh, also, Chlamydia can lead to blindness.

How You Kill It: While chlamydia’s scary shit, it can be treated with some simple anti-biotics. Now that’s a happy ending.

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Name: Trichomoniasis

How You Get It: The most common of all the non-viral sexually transmitted diseases, trichomoniasis uses bodily fluids to find fresh victims. That is, you get this parasite during sex.

Gory Details: This little fucker’s quite prolific, infecting an estimated 7.4 million people a year. The bug shows more signs in women than in men, who may experience a whitish discharge and a painful urination experience. As for you ladies, look for pain during intercourse, burning urine, vaginal inflammation and a stinky yellow or gray discharge. If you think you’ve got it, we suggest you head to the doctor, who’ll lay the smackdown with some meds. If left untreated, trichomoniasis can make sufferers more susceptible to HIV infection. Horrific!

How You Kill It: It’s surprisingly easy to treat trichomoniasis. Your doctor should recommend a single dose of metronidazole, which will knock this nastiness to the curb.

gonorrhea.jpg
Name: Gonorrhea aka “The Clap”

How You Get It: Unsafe contact with vagina, anus, mouth or – you guessed it – a dirty prick. And, considering that an estimated 700,000 people catch the clap annually, one can safely assume there are plenty of dirty pricks out there.

Gory Details: As with Chlamydia, men don’t always show symptoms of Neisseria gonorrhoeae infection. If they do, they can come anywhere from five to thirty days after infection and involves burning pee, yellow or white discharge and, sometimes, achy balls. Women face similar indications – with the added bonus of a bleeding pussy – but won’t necessarily exhibit any symptoms at all. Extreme evidence may be indicate a pelvic inflammatory disease, which can lead to infertility. Rectal infection means an itchy butt, disconcerting discharge and caustic craps. You can also get Gonorrhea in the throat.

If you do show symptoms, it’ll most like come in the form of burning pee, hence it’s nickname. Actually, now that we think about it, “burning” isn’t the right word. “Slashing” seems more appropriate, as if Michael Myers found his way into your urethra. Scary!

How You Kill It: Luckily gonorrhea can be treated with – you guessed it – antibiotics. Is there anything those little buggers can’t do. Well, actually, yes…

hepatitisa.jpg
Name: Hepatitis A

How You Get It: Hepatitis A isn’t always caught via sex. This virus can be transmitted through contaminated food and water, but it can also be passed along oral and fecal routes. So basically anywhere most of us want to go.

Gory Details: Hep A goes straight for the liver and causes frightfully flu-like symptoms. Like what? Well, like nausea, diarrhea, cramping, fever and, surprisingly, depression. Also, you may experience sharp pains on the lower right side of your abdomen. That’s your liver writhing in pain. The virus itself can only be detected in the blood.

How You Kill It: Unfortunately Hep A can’t be killed. Most infected folk are told to avoid fatty foods and booze, which can hinder the liver’s ability to heal. Yes, giving up liquor may strike fear, but it’s better the alternative. The good news, however, is that most developed nations have a vaccine on hand. Just head to your good doctor and get that shot. Don’t be afraid!

hepatitsb.jpg
Name: Hepatitis B

How You Get It: Sex, of course, especially if you have multiple partners. Oh, and even more so when you’re gay. Shitty… Hep B can also be passed by shooting drugs, which you shouldn’t be doing anyway. Heroin’s fucking scary, dude. If you must do it, though, don’t share needles. That’s not only scary, it’s gross.

Gory Details: Hep B’s a lot like it’s relative, Hepatitis A. Again, the symptoms can look like the flu: nausea, lethargy and joint pain. Hep B can also really fuck with your coloring. Yellowing of the eyes and/or skin, graying of the poo or browning of the pee are all signs that Hep B has nestled in your liver. See a doctor. He or she will look at your blood and tell you what’s up.

How You Kill It: Sorry, but this bug’s immortal. The B in Hep B could stand for bogey man. He sneaks up on you, brings some scary symptoms and then disappears. Don’t be fooled, though, Hep B’s just hiding. He’ll come back again and again unless you get antiviral drugs from your doctor. While these won’t cure you, nor will they necessarily work, the pills can stop Hep B from multiplying. That’s a good thing. Even better, antiviral drugs can help prevent liver diseases. Also, as we all know, the bogey man has one weakness: light. Hep B, too, has a weakness: a readily available vaccine. Condoms can help, too, but a vaccine definitely does the trick. Better go see you know who.

hepc.jpg
Name: Hepatitis C

How You Get It: Ahhh, another Hepatitis? Nuts. Hepatitis C travels in people’s blood, which means you can get it through both sex – unless you’re using a condom, which you should be, dudes. If you happen to catch it, however, you may experience jaundice, abdominal pains and other flu-like symptoms.

Gory Details: Like its cousins, Hep A and Hep B, Hepatitis C has a thing for the liver. Chronic Hepatitis C can lead to equally chronic fatigue, weight loss, fevers, fitful sleeps and joint pain. It’s worth mentioning that the disease takes a harder toll on men than women.

How You Kill It: You can’t kill Hep C, but researchers have developed an experiemental vaccine, but it isn’t yet available for mass use. You know what that means? Be safe, silly!

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Name: Syphilis

How You Get It: You’ll catch syphilis from direct contact with a lover, acquaintance or trick’s infected sore. So, if you see anything suspicious on your fuck buddy, well, buddy, you’re better off avoiding that particular region. Be sure to take a close look at the penis, vagina and rectum.

Gory Details: Syphilis may be the goriest of our STD selection. This bacteria-born baddie causes open, puss filled and extremely unattractive sores. In addition to being nasty, syphilis can hide out for months and then pop up out of thin air. When it does, the disease will most likely appear first as small, seemingly innocuous bumps. It will, of course, get worse and become an itchless rash. You may also get a fever, hair loss, sore throat, aches, pains and swollen glands.

If left untreated, syphilis can go after the internal organs, causing blindness and, in some cases, insanity.

How You Kill It: Most strains of syphilis can be cured with a large and painful shot of penicillin. You can also prevent a syphilis infection by using condoms and, again, avoiding other people’s open sores. Neither tactic, however, guarantees immunity.

herpes.jpg
Name: Herpes

How You Get It: Unlike most of the other sexually transmitted diseases mentioned, Herpes requires no bodily fluids. That’s right, just a little rub up can lead to a flare up.

Gory Details: Initial herpes infection can be a bit itchy, but gets downright blistering when the virus starts sprouting sores. These sores, in turn, develop into abscesses that can ooze, squirt and dribble a white, viscous puss. Extreme cases may make your junk look like Freddy Krueger – definitely not a good look.

How You Kill It: Sorry, folks, but there ain’t no way to kill this fucker. It’s the gift that keeps on giving, which means you’ll want to kill the fucker who passed it along. We can’t condone this, of course, but we’d understand. Herpes can be prevented, at least in theory, through the use of condoms. As you’ve noticed, condoms come in really handy. If you’re already infected with herpes, your doctor should have an arsenal of antivirals to help ease your pain.

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Name: Human Immunodeficiency Virus aka HIV

How You Get It: Unprotected sex leading to the transfer of bodily fluids, dirty needles, contact with infected blood, breast milk.

Gory Details: Like so many of the STDs we’ve discussed, HIV can seem like the flu. After that, there aren’t necessarily “symptoms,” but the virus weakens your immune system, leaving your susceptible to any number of bacteria, bugs and other baddies.

How You Kill It: There’s no cure. And, no, there’s no vaccine. If you’re infected with HIV, however, there’s a slew of antiviral drugs that can keep things in check. Many of these drugs have equally nasty side effects. You may have to try a bunch before you find the right one. And, when you do, it may not work forever. HIV’s a pain in the ass, to be sure, so you should do everything in your power to prevent it. How? Condoms, condoms, condoms!

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