The Don'ts Of Foreign Crotch Grabbing

Sticky Fingers!

Hi, readers! Editor Andrew Belonsky here. I rarely write in first person unless in interview mode, but there’s something I’d like to discuss with you – something very important that requires your undivided attention. (Not pictured.)

Now, you may be surprised to hear this, but my penis got grabbed three times last week. Three times! That’s pretty incredible for someone who rarely leaves his desk and hasn’t had sex since 1873.

Under different circumstances I would have been thankful for such a high volume of phallic attention, but none of the aforementioned gropes were invited – or welcome.

Boy can’t catch a break in this town…

A former lover launched the initial digital invasion, which caught me off guard and elicited what can only be described as a shrieking rant on the parameters of personal space.

He defended himself by saying, “But we’ve had sex!,” which only fueled by burst of hysterics, “A past love life does not extend to the present! Just because you’ve had my penis once doesn’t make it yours!”

He failed to see the logic.

My groin again came under attack the following night, when a drunken acquaintance took it upon himself to give me a vice like squeeze. I would have socked him one, but he’d already teetered into the crowd. I also suspected that a confrontation would bring on another below-the-belt blitz. My boys were already frazzled and couldn’t handle the stress.

The final intrusion happen over the weekend. Some stranger – a perfect fucking stranger! – decided to get fresh and went in like a cock hungry vulture – no doubt a familiar comparison for this particular specimen, who was neither attractive nor charming. Granted we were in a bar – the prime location for genital raids – but that’s hardly an excuse. Involuntary hand seizure or inoperable brain tumor? Those are excuses, especially if employed together as symptom and malady.

Don’t get me wrong, dear reader. I’m hardly a prude. I have been known to enjoy a penis or two. And I hope one day to enjoy another penis or two. I do not, however, appreciate grabby Jacks.

I’m sick and tired of some gays thinking they can yank another man’s dick just because they’re willing to suck it. Or perhaps because they want to suck it. Yes, a little penis flip among friends or teammates can be fun, but a grab, grope or squeeze are not convivial. They’re sleazy, cheap and, worst of all, tacky. Ewww.

Before you all start screaming and crying that I’m overreacting or being surly or something, let it be known that I’m not alone in this complaint. One of my friends, also of the homosexual variety, voiced similar grievances: “As much of a slut as I am or was, it still makes me feel violated. I am all about sexual relationships, but only when it is mutual and usually behind closed doors. If I wanted to be groped, I would be a stripper.” And even strippers have limits!

Let this rant be a lesson to you not-so-gents: just because a homo likes cock doesn’t mean he wants all up on his junk. Some of us may, but not all – and certainly not me. That’s my penis and it goes where I tell it. Usually.

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  • Maverick69

    I’m with you on this one. I’ve been there sooo many times. I once grabbed a guy by the wrist and told him if he wanted to keep it, he would not do that again.

  • Alexa

    And I thought only straight men grabbed perfect strangers’ bodies. I’ve had my boobs and ass groped so many times I’ve lost count (frequently on a crowded train during rush hour). You have my sympathy.

  • John

    I read every word of your comment, and not because of the accompanying photograph.

    What is appropriate in social interactions, including but not limited to sexually-charged social interactions is socially constructed.

    Thanks for doing your part.

  • HL

    On a few occasions my breasts have been grabbed by strangers. One chick apologized and said “they looked nice, I had to.” Actually, she didn’t say sorry. But I was supposed to accept that.

  • GoodBuddy

    Miss Manners would say that when you meet someone new you shake their HANDS, not other parts of their anatomy.

  • Jack Jett

    Please…someone grope me. It might take you a while to find it, but you would make this faded gasbag feel so relevant.

    The grope is always greener on the other side.

  • dvlaries

    Mae West might have agreed with you, Jack Jett:
    “It’s better to be looked over than overlooked.”

  • chandler in lasvegas

    Wow, just like produce at the market. Has anyone sniffed your goods to see if they were fresh?

  • DavidDust

    Next time it happens, tell them that “Tipping is appreciated”. If you’re gonna get felt up, you might as well make a couple of bucks!

  • Dawster

    T H A N K Y O U.

    i mean… personal space is personal space. view by invitation only.

  • sparky

    mommy, is that you?

  • Amber LeMay

    “a perfect fucking stranger”… C’mon on now…he’s perfect, he’s fucking and he’s a stranger!!! Memories, blight the corners of my mind…

  • Wolfie

    Andrew okay yes I am going to call you whiney and overreactive. Sorry.

    The Ex. It was nothing he hadn’t felt a no on your point is warrented if don;t like it. but the prude virgin thing is a bit much. You are like a gay man in his mid – late 20’s right?

    The Drunk Friend. Here’s the key words. HE WAS DRUNK. Drunk people somethimes do things like that because well…..they are drunk. If you are out boozing in a bad you leave yourself open to that. And pray tell what bar was it?

    The Stranger. Again it seemsyou were in a bar possibly with someone who was with someone who might have been alittle lubricates and not telling many details at that.

    Sorry bud with this incompleteinfo I can’t get indignant for you on this matter.

    All i can say is Thank God you were never at Banlands on a Sat or Sun in the 70’s and 80’s!

  • Johnnie R

    I’m with Wolfie…I’ve had it happen to me only once and I grabbed the guy’s wrist and told him that if he wanted his arm back he would never do that to me again. He got the message.

    As for Andrew….dry the tears….you’re not that hot. And we’ve met so I can say that….

  • J

    I have to question what you are wearing that guys are grabbing your junk, are you (as they say) “asking for it” ?

    But I also have to sympathize. I have a big ass and if gets grabbed a lot, so much in fact that I have stopped noticing, which probably makes it a little less exciting for people to grab… but it is always violating. I can’t realistically do anything about my ass filling out jeans. When I have snapped at guys who grab they usually say they were checking to see if it was real. Could your situation be the same? Is your crotch so attractive that people simply need to check for themselves?

  • Andy Peters

    Sorry, but Wolfie’s remarks make him sound like the kind of guy who initiates the unwelcome groping.

    “He was drunk.” What kind of numbnuts defense is that?! If that was an excuse, there wouldn’t be laws on the books about driving while drunk. I’m sick and tired of social retards thinking they can get away with inappropriate behavior by raising their hands and saying, “I was drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing.” Grow the fuck up and take some responsibility for your actions. And it’s only worse when OTHERS make excuses for the drunks (no doubt because they’re hoping others will excuse their oafish behavior when they, themselves, are blotto).

    I’m with Andrew. What’s in my pants is exactly that–mine. It’s nobody’s to touch unless I say so. I don’t care if it’s a horny stranger or someone I dated for two years, three years ago. Mary mother of fucking god, would you walk up to your boss and grab his schlong because you thought he was cute? This is why sexual harassment is a punishable offense: it protects people from unwelcome sexual advances, physical or otherwise. Drunk/Ex/Stranger–it makes no difference. Keep your fucking mitts to yourself, you horny asshole.

    “He was drunk.” Fuckin’ A.

  • P

    to No. 15, J, call me.
    For Andrew- I agree with Wolfie. This is a language of love that has been passed down from gay generation to gay generation. No matter how much I may not be into the guy grabbing my knob, I’ve never gotten pissed. Why would you? Because someone likes you? Just politely decline and move on. Big whoop. I’ve certainly been on the other end of the hand too, when the mood strikes. You mean to tell me you’ve NEVER?

  • Rikard

    I’ll chime in because I’m jealous and agree with your indignation. An EX has LESS right to grab the goods. That option was forfeited upon break up. The drunk friend, was drunk and well, that covers it. Tell him off when he’s sober enough to be sincere when he says he’s sorry. The stranger should have gotten a knee to the groin. Finally… Hi Andrew, I’m Rikard, may I touch your penis?

  • Charley

    I remember the days of boxers, no briefs. In the Navy. Everything was showing hanging down the leg on the fortunate hung few. Couldn’t keep my eyes looking up. Didn’t dare grope, although I wanted to.

  • kristy

    You should write in first person more often!

  • Alco

    I just don’t really get it.

    Ok we’re usually less of a prude than our heterosexual buddies, but does that make us sluts ?

    So, this “thing” passed on from “gay generation to gay generation” is simply stupid.
    Rape has been passed on, but I don’t see anybody being ok with that.

  • Alan down in Florida

    No sex since 1873? No wonder you’re snarky.

    Nonetheless in this instance you are right. I had friends fix me up on a blind double date and within 2 minutes of meeting me this guy had him hand on my crotch. Poor manners.

  • Andy Peters

    Alco: Hear, hear! The rape analogy is perfect.

    Re: No. 17’s “Language of love?!” Have people really been bullshitted into thinking it’s a “gay thing?” Personally, I’m offended any time anything other than attraction to and sex with a member of the same sex is labelled a “gay thing.” We are not automatons, people.

    Please stop projecting your own sexual proclivities on the community at large and assuming everyone should be just like you. Christ al-fucking-mighty, isn’t that exactly what the conservative right have been trying to force on us for eons?

  • Wolfie

    Well Andy Peters I don’t initiate the groping but I do think it is whiny and little girl like to be all OMG about it. If you a man act like it. Just tell em to stop and move away. But if you put yporself in bars with drunk people you should be aware that this might happen.

  • LogopolisMike

    I’ll never understand guys who do this. Part of the fun of grabbing a guy is knowing he wants it. Hell, I don’t even touch a strippers dick when I’m tipping him unless he makes it clear it’s okay.

    –Not Prudey

  • stevo

    hmmm… the lady doth protest sooo much

  • Madman

    Ok, I agree already that no one should touch the goods without permission. But in all things human, there are exceptions. For instance, (and I’ve seen this) I get tired of all the righteous remarks, correct though they may be, and then “if the guy is really hot, you might excuse him.” etc. etc. As for the bar thing, I’m with Wolfie – again, its not right, but if you are around drunk people, it might happen. Good example – you can sunbathe in your front yard, $100 bills all over your chest. No one has the right to take them, for they would a) have to trespass on your property and b) they are stealing when they take them. A bit extreme I realize, but the point is people are people and if you can’t stand some very occasional boorish behavior, maybe you should stay home.

  • Ash

    I have to say that I’m with you on this one, Andrew (yeah yeah, i tried to leave queerty but i’ve still been lurking, trying to suck it up and accept the new format). And I am shocked at the people here who are calling you prude or overreactive. You’re not. If you were a woman writing this, I doubt you would be getting the same responses. It is not okay to grope anyone, male, female, or in between and I share your outrage. You are not an object, you are a human being, and you decide who touches you. I also don’t think you were “asking for it” no matter how you dressed, despite what some people above me have said. This is just sad…your junk is your junk, end of story.

  • michael

    3 consecutive gropes…hmmm…last time that happened to me I was in a bathhouse in Vancouver.
    None of the times mentioned does it sound like you made a stand. Maybe it just gives you something to act like a “victim” about. Or maybe you just feel the need to tell the world how desirable you are so that we will all be impressed. The self depreciating humour feels like a good cover for just that.

  • Andy Peters

    Wolfie, I’m sorry, but I’m just not buying the “it’s OK if he’s drunk” line of thinking. If I’m hearing you correctly, you’re saying that you and I could be in a room together and if I were totally smashed, then beat the shit out of you, and raped you within an inch of your life, it would be excusable because I was drunk? And, depending on what you were wearing at the time, you may have even been asking for it, getting me off the hook even more?

    I just want to make sure I understand what you’re saying. That any behavior acted upon while drunk is forgivable and free of culpability?

  • Wolfie

    I am not saying its fine and dandy to take liberties and grope. I am saying that if you put yourself in situations where it might happen just a bit of responsibilty might be yours. (And lets not get dramtic this has nothing to do wuth the rape anology. But if you are at a notorius gay bar booozing it up with others and being “friendly” it might happen) Also really his junk was groped. BIG SHIT. get over it and move on. Put in perspective it is really whiny and I am sorry Andy you really should just take the compliment and move on.

    But on the brightside at least its not another freakin Marc Jacobs non story.

  • RussNOLA

    I’m from New Orleans, so people grab your stuff here all the time! It’s kinda like saying, “Hello”.

Comments are closed.