Rude awakening

If you still insist your ‘preferences’ aren’t racist then you’re part of the problem

26-year-old Josh from L.A. has a some strong medicine for guys who still refuse to entertain the idea that maybe, just maybe, their “preferences” on Grindr are, in fact, racist.

In a new think-piece published by Gay Pop Buzz, Josh writes:

I realize there is such a thing as preference, but preference is what you’d prefer, it doesn’t rule out other options. I may prefer sushi for dinner, but that doesn’t mean I’m not open to pasta.

“So many people on these apps use the word ‘preference’ to try to mask their prejudices,” he says. But, make no mistake, “letting someone’s race dictate whether you’d date them is racism.”

Josh describes himself as “6 ft, 26, 175, fit, Hispanic and black and I’m often told I have a great smile.” He didn’t come out until he was 23. After doing so, he turned to dating apps to connect with other guys.

Related: Gay men, please stop using the term “BBC,” It’s racist, blogger says

He quickly learned that his mixed race was handicap when it came to meeting men.

“There’s an unspoken racial hierarchy [among gay men]” he explains. “I can think back to a few specific examples where I really thought I connected with someone, only to get to the topic of ethnicity and then people just disappear.”

Josh says that one guy told him “You’re really cute but I’m not into black guys.” Another guy asked specifically what race he was. When Josh replied “Puerto Rican and black” the man never responded to another one of his messages.

Other times, Josh says, guys make racist remarks disguised as compliments, like “I’m not usually attracted to black guys, but you’re different!”

“I can’t even begin to tell you how many times someone has found out my mix and gone straight for penis size,” he continues. “‘How big are you?’ ‘I bet you’re hung huh?’ ‘I love bottoming for big black guys.”

He continues: “I’ve had guys get mad at me for not sending them pictures of my junk because they’re horny and demand to see how big I am.”

Fetishizing over someone’s ethnic stereotypes isn’t a turn on. … Not all black men are packing a wrecking machine below the belt. Not all Latino men have sexy Latin accents or even speak Spanish, etc. So save yourself the possible disappointment and stop secluding yourself to one group just to meet your stereotypical expectations.

Josh describes the entire situation as sad.

“The saddest part is that, as a whole, the gay community is still fighting for equality and acceptance, but we can’t even accept each other,” he writes. “[We’re] never going to gain the acceptance we want from the rest of the world if we don’t first learn to accept the people within our community.”

He concludes by writing:

At the end of the day, the person you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with may not be that person who is the same skin color or race as you. It may be the person who is physically the exact opposite of you. Sure, looks matter but they aren’t the whole ballgame.

Related: WATCH: Confronting racism in the gay community

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  • Danny595

    Translation: “When selecting complete strangers from a digital menu of human torsos for the purposes of loveless copulation, it is important to treat equally each of the dehumanized slabs of meat on the menu.”

    Talk about misdiagnosing the problem!

    • Godabed

      it’s a social app, not a hookup one. You just told everyone what you use it for. But anything gay men do in a social settings can turn into sex. Do you remember cruising.. truck stops, libraries, public bathrooms, beaches, gyms, saunas… you know totally normal places people would go, Gay men would have sex at. I guess those other people going to those places were just using it wrong…. *eye roll, heavy sigh*

      Oh Gay pride is coming up soon too, There is going to be a lot of hooking up there, is it still considered a Political protest… oh and what about all the sex that’s had at the RNC, and DNC rallies…. hmm those people are just using that wrong too.

      I hope i made my point and you understand how your argument sounds now.

    • Josh447

      And let’s not forget the Olympics for God sake.

    • Galispana

      Hi, Danny!
      I think I know where you’re coming from. Objectifying anyone can be hazardous to one’s health but we all do it. Like anything else, appreciating and lusting after someone for their physical beauty has its place in motivating us to meet men who could turn out to be mates or friends.

      What this article is expressing is a very real problem that, mainly white men, truly “draw a veil” over and refuse, largely, to admit: race does affect who we’re attracted to; white European standards of beauty are what media and much of American society values as beautiful and to emulate; the gay community, as a true community, is a microcosm of American society and reflects the values of the society, whether we LGBTQIA+ like to admit it or not. American racism is alive and well in who is considered beautiful and dateable. It would be way presumptuous of me to state that race is the predominant factor in choosing a boyfriend or mate but, except for those men who date across racial/ethnic lines and are part of interracial/interethnic relationships, to paraphrase the old “Size matters”: race does matter and plays a role, that most of Americans do not want to admit for what it says about us, in choosing a mate. If we admit that, the tension this and other articles like this creates would dissipate. Also, if we admit that people on dating sites use “preference” on dating sites to mean “I only like and want this. No one else need apply”, we as a society will chill out.

      People, myself included, can get lazy and self-absorbed when looking for men to date. We can become rigid and unwilling to meet new kinds of men. Of course, all of us can have our wishes and true preferences for what sexually and relationally turns us on but if we treat our dating lives with preference being what we like but approach dating with open minds, what blessings and revelations might come our way. I myself have had my preferences but, as time goes on, my openness and willingness to date men outside my “preference zone” has produced some great, hot, and some ongoing connections with men, by “knowing what I like” yet opening up to new experiences and new relationships with men.

    • DCFarmboy

      You have the option of saying “No Blacks” or you can respond “Sorry, not interested, but thank you” , which is what these folks often do when it is a non-racial feature that doesn’t appeal to them.

    • highestbidder

      Hah someone actually said Grindr’s a social app not a hookup app lol lol lol

  • seki

    It’s okay if I’m not attracted to someone of my own race, but if I’m not attracted to someone of another race I am racist.

    Got it.

    • Mandrake

      You miss the point. You don’t post what races or ethnicities you do not prefer in your profile. Period.

    • DuMaurier

      @Mandrake, I’ve always thought that bluntly stating racial preferences was offensive, but that’s really a side issue: if your personal preferences rule out certain ethnic (or other) categories, then that’s the crucial thing; posting or not posting is basically just an etiquette matter.

    • seki

      @Mandrake The article succinctly makes the accusation that I am a racist because I prefer to have sexual relations with men of certain ethnic groups. As @DuMaurier says in his comment; whether or not you advertise your racial preference is not the core issue, it is having the preference in the first place.

      But, make no mistake, “letting someone’s race dictate whether you’d date them is racism.”

      When this logic is applied to gender, we are all sexist because as gay men we prefer to date other gay men and not women. Other people commenting in other threads on this page have drawn similar, equally clear, conclusions.

      If we want to talk about the issues surrounding race, we need to remember that racism is “a person who shows or feels discrimination or prejudice against people of other races, or who believes that a particular race is superior to another.”

      So yes, some of the things Josh has experienced are racist. And yes, there are some out there who really do fit the definition of racism – but as I demonstrated in my initial comment, a double-standard becomes apparent the moment we bring racism into the sexual arena.

      I am a gay 1st generation Eurasian Australian, and my partner is white. I am attracted predominantly to white men and this is a fact of my physiology and what I define as my preference. This is at odds with my psychology where I believe all races are equal and should be treated as such, and why I dispute the accusation that I am racist because of who I want to take out and bring home in a romantic and/or sexual setting.

      Meanwhile, the drums are silent where once they boomed “stay out of our bedrooms”.

    • griffin87

      For the love of God… No one is asking you to date ALL ethnicities to prevent yourself from being called a racist. Want to date exclusively white/latin/black men?? FINE! JUST DONT BE A DICK ABOUT IT AND DISGUISE THE IGNORANCE WITH “PREFERENCE”. Ever heard of filters or block button?!?
      Even the SUBWAY sandwich bar you just state what you want. NO ONE needs to listen to you spewing out a list of what you don’t want. Just state what you want and move along… Jeezus.

    • seki

      @griffin87 That’s exactly what the author is suggesting and why I take exception. All of the actions you have suggested, by the logic presented in this article, is “racist”. There is absolutely no difference between stating “White men only” and “No Asians”. Taking it to its logical conclusion, the slippery slope still ends with the “racist” label even without preference being presented at all (it’s just that no one knows about it but hey: still “racist”!).

      It’s ludicrous.

    • griffin87

      Although the author has his own prerogative and I can’t speak on behalf of him, there is a difference between Whites only and No Asians, No Blacks, etc. It comes down to respect and decorum which clearly you lack. Posting No Asians, Blacks etc, ostracizes a minority group purely based upon their race. Posting Whites Only is just as racist and uncouth, however it’s to the own detriment of the user. Stating “prefer white guys” is just as effective and wouldn’t be nearly as offensive. It may be just a case of semantics, however it makes a difference in creating the culture that we have allowed and fostering an improvement of treating each other (despite our own preferences) for the LGBT youth emerging in the coming years.

    • seki

      @griffin87 I apologise, I am obviously not making my point clear. My comments have nothing to do with what to post on dating profiles – it is the suggestion that having preference of any kind, regardless of being publicly aired or kept to oneself, immediately classifies one as a racist person. This is an abhorrent notion and one I find deeply hurtful and detrimentally divisive.

      But since we are preoccupied with the topic of dating profiles:

      Posting No Asians, Blacks etc, ostracizes a minority group purely based upon their race. Posting Whites Only is just as racist and uncouth, however it’s to the own detriment of the user. Stating “prefer white guys” is just as effective and wouldn’t be nearly as offensive.

      I wholeheartedly agree and have not stated otherwise, however my only disagreement is that I believe the degree of offensiveness is irrelevant; it is offensive, period, regardless of its intended ‘effectiveness’, which you appear to excuse with ‘prefer white guys’. Although I am unsure if that is what you meant to convey.

      Racism is a real problem, but we are not going to be able to deal with it properly if we are going to make sweeping generalisations and casually fling accusations around – we need to be careful to properly identify what racism is rather than throwing labels up in the air and seeing where they land.

      As a mixed race gay man, I have experienced racism first-hand, I have witnessed racism toward my family members. But I firmly believe that the subtext of this article muddies the water and takes away from the real problem of trying to make racism (and sexism, and ageism, and all other -isms) go away once and for all, so that we can finally begin, as you say:

      fostering an improvement of treating each other (despite our own preferences) for the LGBT youth emerging in the coming years.

    • startenout

      Actually, if you’re not dating someone of your own race just because of their racial make up, yes, you are still racist.

      If you’re black and would never date a black guy or white and would NEVER date a white guy just because of their skin color, that is inbred cultural racism whether you choose to call it “just a preference” to minimize your racism or not.

      Just own it and stop pretending that your willingness to only date people who look like like you makes you enlightened if you call it a “preference” instead of “prejudice.” You’ve learned and embraced that whit is better, just like the people who say “oh you’re cute for a black/hispanic/middle eastern guy” or “you sound white” like its a compliment.

  • CJones01

    In the interest of opening a sincere dialogue, I am a white man. I try to be openminded, and I like to think I do a good job of it. I am down 100% with BLM (let’s end 400 years of oppression), representation in media (trans and Asian actors in trans and Asian roles, please), and judging people based on their actions rather than by a blanket stereotype (if I don’t like you, it’s because you’re an asshole). I’m not perfect in thought and action, but I do my best.

    Now the point at hand: my education background is Asian Studies and a continued focus on Japan/Japanese. I love and respect the language and culture on their own merits and I want to know more about both and share my knowledge. While I’m happy proficiency in the language has opened me to experiences and friendships beyond the Anglophone world, I’m not sure if I could ever date an Japanese guy. I’m worried about being pegged as a “rice queen.” When people find out that I speak Japanese, many of them already assume that’s the kind of person I’m looking for, which is not the case. In my opinion, no matter the person’s racial/ethnic/religious background, if we click we click.

    So, I’m conflicted. I want to know if there’s anyone else out there who feels the same.

    • burningtyger

      Are you saying you’d avoid dating Japanese guys for fear of being stereotyped? That sounds pretty ridiculous, doesn’t it?

      As you said, when you click with someone, you click, regardless of age, race- and, I hope, what other people might say. Finding the love of your life (or at least a good ****) is far more important than the assumptions people have of you. Don’t close off any door in that search; let people think what they may. You know the truth of your heart; they don’t.

    • CJones01

      I know it’s ridiculous 100%. It’s totally irrational, and I’m probably overthinking it.

    • JK 1984

      I agree 100% with burningtyger, live your life for you, doesn’t matter what others think of you.

      At end of your life you wouldn’t want to look back and say “gee that guy who could have been the live of my life was cool, but I’m glad I didn’t date him so people didn’t think I was a rice queen”.

      If this hypothetical person makes you happy and you make them happy, no one else’s opinion matters.

    • Danny595

      If you think that BLM is about fighting “oppression” from 1617, then you are too dumb to date anyone from any race.

  • Caine

    So, if I state my preference is for sex with another man? Then that makes me what? How dare I.

    • Godabed

      It makes you Gay, this has to be one of the most ignorant things i have read today…. Next you’ll start the argument about liking women…

    • Celtic

      No it makes you sexist. See how that works? If you prefer men you are sexist. If you prefer red heads you are anti all other colors of hair. If you prefer muscle guys you are anti skinny or chub. If you prefer tops your anti bottom if you prefer bottoms you are anti top. You are instantly a bigot against someone. I do not like these arguments that someone is racist just because they do have a preference. I know white people who prefer latino men. Are they racist? I know black people who prefer white men, are they racist? Ana Kasparian of TYT (The Young Turks) prefers latino men and married one. Is she a racist? Stop trying to FORCE people to “prefer” what you want them to by labeling them racist. At best you will simply get people who won’t say it but still do it.

    • griffin87

      How many times does this have to be spelled out for you feeble minded and slightly ignorant?




  • Mo Bro

    Since when is preference a means by which to ostracize someone? Reminds me of a phrase a friend of mine is fond of: “If you want to see a bigot in action, disagree with a liberal.”

    I learned an invaluable lesson many years ago:
    There is no bad music, there are only varying tastes in music, and anyone who claims otherwise is a narcissist of the highest order with pathological issues of self-importance.

    • JK 1984

      I actually agree with the majority of the above.

      A preference is saying you like/PREFER something, saying for example No Fems is excluding/showing dislike.

      I like the quote about music, I would also add that being introduced to a particular artist can change your mind about a style of music and it can become your new favourite style or ad to your personal tastes.

  • IzzyLuna

    Completely disagree 100%. Who you are sexually attracted to doesn’t mean you are racist against other races. Graham just wants to start arguments. What a stupid article.

    • Mo Bro

      Graham Gremore is trying to cause division between the conservatives and liberals within the lgb community??
      Sounds like the same shit, different day to me.

  • drmiller

    I feel like I read an article every other day from someone voicing an opinion on this matter. I’m surprised to read all the commenters disagree (as I do)!

    I’ve thought a lot about this topic and here is my two cents. The bedroom cannot be racist. You’re ether attracted to someone, or your not. Not being into a mixed black/puerto rican man, doesn’t make me anything other than a gay man who isn’t sexually attracted to mixed gay black/Puerto rican men. I’m sorry if that makes you feel uncomfortable or rejected, but you don’t get to cry racist because I don’t want to hook up with you.

    That being said, I do believe it’s unnecessary for people to voice strong opinions about race, cis gender, femininity/masculinity, etc in their dating profiles. Can’t you just filter out those preferences in your regular chatting/cruising/usage of the platform? If you don’t like asians, then don’t engage with asians. You don’t need to overtly state that you don’t prefer Asian men for the world to see.

    Lastly, in an attempt to relate to the author and folks of that mindset, there is definitely a larger societal problem of valuing white beauty over non-white beauty, for sure. Models are typically white. Actors are typically white. There is a huge apotheosis of the white standard of beauty, beyond any doubt. But I don’t think articles like this that point to other gay men in the community as the problem is helpful. Someone else said it earlier in the comments: it’s a misdiagnosis.

    I refuse to feel bad (or racist) because I’m fundamentally not attracted to someone of a different ethnicity, just as I refuse to feel bad (or misogynistic) for not liking women. Sex is sex. Attraction is attraction. Let’s take politics out of the bedroom.

    • burningtyger

      But it’s not necessary to to say “no x need apply”- state what you prefer, not what you dislike.

    • Donston

      I agree that it’s not necessary. Stating preferences not what you don’t want is the better way of going about things. But I just don’t understand the obsession with people’s “dating” profiles and how it authentically connects to racism at large. And the fact that the media is trying to act like this is a reflection on most gay men, especially since I barely know any dudes who engage in those types of apps, is what leaves me confused and frustrated.

    • jason_melvil

      So if I’m simply not attracted to white men, I should write “Asians, Hispanic, Blacks, Native Americans, middle eastern etc etc”
      and not just “no whites?”
      I’m sorry but that’s dumb. The two statements are not the same at all.

      Furthermore, you don’t understand the purpose of profiles do you?
      I don’t know where you live or what apps \ sites you use, but some places are quite successful in the sense that there are plenty of users.

      You actually put your likes\dislikes out of RESPECT for the other person’s time because you want to tell them not to bother contacting you if it will go nowhere.

      Without it, you will be addressed too many times by too many people who are unqualified.

      There is no difference what so ever in saying “no whites” to saying “no smokers”. The only difference is, because it has to do with skin tones, that people are far more sensitive about it.

    • griffin87

      No Jason_melvil, you would just simply put “prefer men of color”. You clearly are making it more convoluted than it has to be.

      Get some insight and obtain some respect and decorum. You would NEVER see on a straight profile a guy listing No Asians, No Blacks, No Latinos etc.
      You just don’t see it. Why?! Because it’s racist and would be all over social media.

      If you really have to equate “no whites/blacks/Asian” to “no smoking” you clearly are delusional and your points are futile.

    • markinwashington

      I also disagree with you, there is a stark difference. Acccording to your logic, “no whites” is the same as “no smokers”.
      Let me then ask you this then…
      would you say “no HIV+” on your profile?
      Yeah, that’s right– I didn’t think so. (I would love to know if you actually would otherwise)

      Yes, you are right. People are far more sensitive about it, not because it is only skin colour but because it’s the civilized thing to do. Welcome to the 21st century.

    • startenout

      And you’ll notice that they were perfectly fine with his picture and talking to him UNTIL they discerned his actual racial make up. It was fine as long as they thought he was solely Hispanic or perhaps perceived him as white…the conversation flowed, they were flirting…UNTIL they found out his background and cut off all communication.

      THAT is prejudice.

      THAT is racism.

      And before you try to say that I am assuming that’s what happened here, well it has happened enough to me to be fairly certain.

  • Donston

    This site really needs to stop pushing this agenda, along with polygamy and “identify as whatever you want”. (Oddly enough, these are all things that Graham obsesses over). Not that this was ever a site full of insight and dignity, but it’s getting embarrassing. You insist on reducing a complex conversation about race to apps that are primarily used for quick hook ups.

    I am half black and half Asian. I’m married to a white dude. I’ve have dated a few races. It’s never been something that determines whether I find someone interesting or attractive. But ultimately, I couldn’t care less about the race you find attractive or more attractive and couldn’t care less about the going-ons of Grindr. As long as you avoid ignorant language and avoid being hateful/disrespectful why should it bother me? Did you know you can still be friends with and respectful to someone you don’t inherently find attractive? Open dialogues, de-segregating ourselves from a racial and economic standpoint, fem-phobia and the pressures of conventional masculinity, self-acceptance, mental health, internalized homophobia, learning how to actually love a man- these are all things that are more important for “our people”. Yet, this site primarily remains focused on who you fvck. And they also continue to avoid that ratio wise there are far more interracial homo relationships than hetero.

    Speaking about race is important for LGBT, but this is the most shallow, stereotypical and oppressive way of tackling it, whittling it down to sex. I am borderline offended at this point, which has never been the case with this site before despite the litany of BS articles.

  • ChrisK

    LIttle boy Josh suffers from self importance and vanity. He doesn’t realize that sexual attraction discriminates beyond just race. Age, height, sex, weight, etc. Unfortunately he only cares about things that directly effect him. Waaa….poor me!

    • Heywood Jablowme

      Well… it’s painfully obvious that Josh only wants to have sex with white guys. (No irony there.)

      But the white guy can’t ever say he LIKES blacks/Latinos… because that of course is “fetishizing.”

    • Stilinski26

      Excellent comment! Preference goes beyond race. People who usually complains about having a preference like Josh are the ones usually attracted to white men and who only want to date white men and then gets upset when he’s rejected

    • startenout

      And of course the ignorance raises its ugly head to say that just because a person wants to not see racial discrimination publicly stated and celebrated by the equally ignorant, the author must only want to date white men and is upset when he is rejected.

      Please. I can be interested in ALL types and colors of men and STILL be disgusted by the LGBT community’s internal racism. You always try to pin it on someone else, but how about you look at what is really being said instead of hiding behind white privilege or other idiotic prejudices.

  • Donston

    It’s ironic/hypocritical how obsessed this site has become with “dating” profiles. Yet, this site mostly promotes white, 20-something year old pretty boys, half of which aren’t in relationships with men/aren’t interested in relationship men.

  • smartoad

    Like anything such as this it is much more nuanced then this would suggest. What are you on the site for? How have you worded your profile?

    If you have joined a site just to have sex and you are not sexually attracted to men of purple skin then why is it bad to say that purple skin men would probably just be wasting their time trying to hook up?

    While I may not find another person sexually attractive it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t talk to those who fall out of that range and build up a friendship. It is just they shouldn’t expect any happy sacky time! I mean I don’t find women sexually attractive, it doesn’t mean I am sexist, women just don’t “turn me on” so to speak. I’ll still talk to them and have lasting friendships with them!

  • Rex Huskey

    no obese or feminine males. be a man, not confused ….and yeah, no poz!

  • Hussain-TheCanadian

    Is this an American issue? I personally don’t mind if someone has their “preferences” on a dating profile – It makes it easier for me to judge if they’re a racist or not, and if I want to waste my time with them or not.

    Nothing turns me off faster than a person who belittles others.

    • burningtyger

      I’ll admit I don’t use hookup app, but it strikes me as disingenuous that people are posting what are essentially a list of dislikes or exclusions as “preferences.” If you’re partial to Black guys, or surfers, or tall, lanky pianists, tell us. But it’s not necessary to say “no x need apply”- in fact, it’s kind of rude.

    • Hussain-TheCanadian

      You are 101% correct, it is extremely rude, low class, and quite vile for a person to list their so-called dislikes; it’s a level of narcissism that is repellent, and I’m glad the person airing such views is doing so; nothing worse than spending time dating someone just to find out that they have a gripe with a particular culture or ethnicity.

      It’s just like how some in our community belittle fem men just for being fem, its their way of saying that they are better than those fem guys, and “acting fem” is akin to being a “woman” – It’s a disgusting attitude to have, and if a man airs it, im not interested in your @ss (Left swipe).

    • Donston

      That’s the smart and reasonable way of looking at things. Why bother wasting your time trying to hook up with or potentially date someone you know isn’t into your type or someone who is clearly an a-hole? And as I told my recently single sister, “not everyone is gonna want to fvck you. You need to get over that”.

  • John

    This quote from the article pissed me off:

    “I may prefer sushi for dinner, but that doesn’t mean I’m not open to pasta.”

    What if you don’t like pasta? What if you never want pasta? Must you force yourself to eat pasta even though you know you don’t like it? What if you had a bad experience with pasta and choose not to ever eat it again?

    There are people that have a very eclectic palate and like to eat all kinds of different things and there are those who eat the same thing everyday. It’s the same with dating: some people are specific, some aren’t. We shouldn’t be guilt tripped into finding someone’s? attractive.

    Now having said all that, I agree there is major racism or at least passive agressive racism within the gay community. I have experienced that myself but I don’t believe that should be mixed in with preference. Racism and preference are two completely different things.

    • burningtyger

      The problem is, people seem to have trouble differentiating the two.

  • Ryan Field

    He lost me with the sushi reference. I can’t stand beets. But I totally support anyone who loves beets, and I support total equality for beets. I just won’t eat beets because I’m not into them.

  • am_psi

    My takeaway from these articles is always just don’t state any preferences in your profile and politely ignore all the fats, fems, blacks, asians, latinos or people with whatever characteristic you don’t like when they hit you up. #wastehistime2017

    • JK 1984

      A preference is where you PREFER something. Starting what you don’t wasn’t is the opposite of a preference.

      Preference: I like a man who is

      The difference between this and saying for example “No Asians” is that one is a positive and the other is a negative.

      This is basic customer service training, translated into how to get a man.

      You also might want to all yourself, really all yourself what is it about that you dislike so much that you could potentially miss it on the best night of your life and maybe even find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.?

    • am_psi

      JK 1984 – So by your logic it would be perfectly fine for someone to say “I want a man who is white, muscular, butch, has a full head of hair and a 9″ dick”? Because to me that still just says “No fats, fems, etc…”

      Some people are never going to like people with certain traits. You might be able to shame them into being polite about it, but if somebody’s not into fat gingers or a muscular Asians or butch Black guys, or well-hung quadriplegics, you’re not going to force them to be.

      The good news is that there is theoretically someone out there for everybody. For every trait listed above that people don’t want, there’s someone looking for exactly those traits. So why not stop trying to thought-police everybody and let people get on with finding what they’re actually looking for.

    • JK 1984

      You have the difference right there in your reply.

      You give a list of specifics that you are looking for, it can help people decide if they are likely to be your type.

      Saying “No fats, no Fems” to use your example, how do you define those? How does the person reading it define those words?

      E.g. Do you consider fast to be more than 7% body fat or clinically obese?

      Is fem based on someone’s voice, their style of dressing our their encyclopedic knowledge of every Beyonce song lyric?

      What about “No Blacks”? Is someone with one black grandparent too black? What if they have a black father and white mother and their skin is closer to white? They may identify as black but have “white features”.

      How you define something may be very different to how others define it and could lead to missed opportunities or wasted time.

      Lastly, I still think the biggest question behind all of this is WHY? You have preferences, why those preferences?
      Have you actually thought critically about why you have those preferences and challenged yourself on them?
      WHY can be one of the hardest questions to ask yourself and give yourself an honest answer.

    • startenout

      @JK 1984 Brilliantly stated.

  • Heywood Jablowme

    He concludes by writing: “At the end of the day, the person you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with may not be that person who is the same skin color or race as you.” OMG Grindr is NOT a DATING site!!! How hard is that to understand?

    Where do you get all these crazy guys who think Grindr is a serious dating site?

    • Donston

      You know this site is only interested in sluts (no shaming intended), guys with six packs and narcissists, and the majority of those guys would think that Grindr is a “dating” app.

    • Heywood Jablowme

      @Donston: That’s all true enough, but there’s an eerie similarity to ALL these articles. A few weeks ago there was the young fatty who wrote in the exact same manner. (Because of course, being 30 pounds overweight when you’re 28 is exactly the same as being black or Asian, there’s absolutely nothing you can do about being 30 pounds overweight when you’re 28 – eye roll.)

      Fatty ended his pitiful lament with a similar sentence to this one here, lecturing Grindr users that “the love of your life” (!!!) might be overweight. Holey moley. If someone is looking for the “love of their life” on Grindr, they have serious mental problems. I suppose it might happen totally by accident, but still.

      Fatty and Josh here also regard Grindr as the only game in town. Grindr is always the ONLY hookup app that gets mentioned by name in articles like this. It’s a mystery why they don’t just go to a more high-class app like Scruff. (Joke, joke.) Or a chubby-chaser site, or another specialized app for admirers of ethnicity __, all of which exist (although of course that is “fetishizing,” oh dear). Or a serious dating site.

      No, they must fix all the etiquette problems on Grindr first. It’s a weird, quixotic obsession.

  • JLAD1105

    I’m physically attracted only to White, Hispanic and Native American men, which is my own ethnic heritage. I’m also not attracted to heavy-set or effeminate men, drug users, staunch political conservatives or deeply religious people. Why would I have to be politically correct and refrain from stating that in any dating site profile I might have? If I say I’m only attracted to White, Hispanic and Native American men, then you should get the hint that I’m not really attracted to Black or Asian men. I don’t have a profile on any dating site anyway. But I know what I like in men (and women), and that’s just the way it is. I have friends and acquaintances of all shapes, sizes and colors, but don’t tell me how to think and what to feel. Black and effeminate men have made passes at me before, but I just tell them I’m not interested. I don’t blurt out why, unless they actually insist on knowing why.

    I’m also not so arrogant to think people would automatically be attracted to me. If someone doesn’t like dating Hispanic men or guys with tattoos, then that’s fine with me. I could care less. It’d be a different situation if I was applying for a job, and the interviewer said they don’t want Hispanics in the company. But we’re talking about dating.

    Just because someone has a preference for a certain type of person doesn’t necessarily mean they’re prejudiced or bigoted towards anyone outside of that. To demand they should is bigoted in itself. Setting up a profile on a dating web site isn’t like signing on to a porn studio where people shouldn’t expect to be a perfect match for everyone.

    • JK 1984

      You have actually pointed out the difference between what the article is pointing out:

      What does happen:
      No Blacks, No Asians, no

      What should happen (in a more decent society):
      I am into White, Hispanic and/or Native American men with

      The first is all about what you don’t want, the second is what you are looking for. Both come to (potentially) the same answer, but one makes you look like an A hole where the other doesn’t.

  • Rakkaus

    “I realize there is such a thing as preference, but preference is what you’d prefer, it doesn’t rule out other options. I may prefer sushi for dinner, but that doesn’t mean I’m not open to pasta.”

    If the problem is, as has been stated this way on many occasions prior, that it is racist and offensive to post what you are NOT romantically and sexually interested in, then would these SJWs prefer people put “Whites Only” on their profiles?

    • griffin87

      In short, Yes. But it depends on how civilized they want to sound.
      “Have a preference for white guys” would suffice just the same.

  • Wolfie

    So does Queerty actually pay Graham Gremore for his shitty posts?

    • Donston

      He doesn’t even write anything. He merely gives his backwards opinion in a couple blunt, simple-minded sentences. His articles are made up mostly of quotes from idiots.

  • Stilinski26

    Cut this crap. As an Asian I don’t care if you someone says he won’t date Asians. Its their preference. There are also so many non white people both gays and straight that says I only date white men.

    • startenout

      You being blind to racial profiling lumping you as an individual in with billions of people who all look and sound differently is up to you. What people are talking about here is how saying that anyone saying No this or No that is creating a racist profile that disgusts them and it includes people of ALL backgrounds refusing to consider an entire group of people.

      White people from the midWest tend to look different from White people in Miami or France. Black people are also a spectrum of colors and looks. Asian people are a spectrum of colors and looks. If someone saying they won’t date Asians isn’t a problem for you, maybe it should be.

  • JaredMacBride

    “Josh from L.A.” seems to be as enjoyable as a case of the flu.

  • IDoNotHaveToAgreeWithYou

    The real rape culture isn’t in college frats. It’s in the POC gay community. No means no. Deal with it.

    • demetreus

      You sir, are a racist.

    • IDoNotHaveToAgreeWithYou

      And you’re a rapist. No means no.

    • demetreus

      Awww, you truly are a racist. And the worst kind of racist at that. Racist means racist.

    • IDoNotHaveToAgreeWithYou

      Awww truly don’t care what you think. You aren’t relevant to me.

  • Chris

    “letting someone’s race dictate whether you’d date them is racism.” ….. No it isn’t. Letting someone’s race dictate whether to provide them with services that I sell; to rent them a home; to approve them a loan; to allow them to vote; to provide them with medications; or to do any one of millions of things that are professional, social, or commercial in nature, THAT’s racism. Not dating someone — the most personal thing that someone can do short of having sex with that individual — is personal. Personal choices are no one else’s business but one’s own. ….. As another poster noted: they’re assholes for posting them rudely. Their being assholes does not make them racist; it makes them assholes. ….. And trying to exclude someone from Pride on that basis (as the people holding that sign would do) is simply dumb. ….. Oh yeah, I’m old, Latino, and overweight. But I save my outrage for things that matter, like the fact that so many Black men throughout the South are becoming HIV infected and they’re dying for lack of medical care (read last week’s NYT article). THAT is racism and classism at work in the U.S. And that Queerty’s writers ignore issues like this speaks to their ignorant privilege.

    • startenout

      They’re racist AND assholes. LOL

  • mhoffman953

    It’s people like the authors of these articles as to why our flag now has an ugly brown and black stripe at the top. They wanted to put it at the top to make their victimization at the forefront of important issues.

    I said this months ago and was laughed at on this website for it. I stated that the BLM and transgender issues are taking over the gay community and gay issues and that gay rights are being put on the back burner.

    Not everyone in life is going to want to date you or have sex with you, get over it

    • demetreus

      In case you may have forgot, gays can be black. They also come in other different colors as well. I hope this helps you.

    • mhoffman953


      When did I say gays can’t be black?

      Gay rights encompass all gay people, not just black people. Gay rights don’t have a color. So why add a black and brown stripe at the top of the pride flag? Why not add a white and beige stripe too? Why even add additional stripes? Does the LGBT community fight for gay rights or is it now fighting for racial issues?

      You even have BLM just yesterday protesting a pride parade in Columbus because they feel they aren’t being represented enough in the gay community

      Gay rights activism is gone and now its identity and racial politics

    • startenout

      I dunno, but years ago when gay people approached the black community with “gay rights are civil rights”….shouldn’t it go the other way, too?

  • KaiserVonScheiss

    Typical nonsense about how everybody is racist because…reasons (insert sophistry).

    People have preferences, and why is it racist to not generally be attracted to black guys but find one attractive every now and then?

    That’s total bullshit. Most people date within their ethnic groups. It’s because within the same ethnic groups are physically similar. People are biological animals. We subconsciously try to group with what we are familiar with.

  • Will L

    This is quite a bit of nonsense. Preferences are what turn you on. Oddly enough, for me tattoos are a big turn off, but I don’t think badly about anyone who has them. There is a line in the song Smile “You can’t help what you don’t feel. And it doesn’t matter why.” That pretty much sums it up.

    If you have no preferences, that just makes you a whore dog. Actually, I’ve known a couple guys like that.

  • demetreus

    Honestly, its all a reflection of who you are as a person. Honestly, its quite desperate to lay out a laundry list of people you aren’t interested in on your dating profile.
    Don’t have time to say “thank you” if someone, who isn’t your ” preference” , contacts you? That doesn’t make you a racist, That makes you an a$$h0le.

  • Daniel-Reader

    One thing that stands out in all this is the people who say they aren’t attracted to their own race – that is a seriously whack. THAT is a seriously racist-turned-inward-into-self-loathing mindset.

  • s

    Only a matter of time until Gs are forced to date Ts. The radical far, far left is out of control.

    • mujerado

      Unless something goes very wrong, no one will or can be “forced” to date anyone else. What a silly thing to say. And radical extremism can be found on both ends of the spectrum.

  • offlimitsshow

    It’s called Sociosomatic Preferences – It’s not racist to HAVE preferences but it IS racist to put in a dating profile/etc. “NO BLACKS! OR WHITES ONLY!! etc. There’s no need to say that, just don’t respond to them – it’s racist to put it in the profile and to exclude people ONLY based on race period. HOWEVER, if you aren’t ATTRACTED to someone who HAPPENS TO BE Black or Asian or White or whatever you’re not into, then THAT IS NOT RACIST . There’s a difference that people don’t seem to understand. It’s not just black and white…so to speak. I’m 1/2 Black and 1/2 White and everyone thinks I’m Middle Eastern or Hispanic and sometimes White. So I have a really unique perspective on it but I know that just because you’re not into someone sexually doesn’t make you racist unless it’s because you EXCLUDE them EXCLUSIVELY BECAUSE of their race…like “I could never date a Black person” or “White person” or whatever BECAUSE of their race. People are usually attracted to specific attributes and sometimes those attributes are in line with their own race, sometimes not, sometimes their race and others may possess them but it’s just sociosomatic preferences which is hardwired into us early on based on cultural and environmental AND partially genetic programming. So stop calling people racist because they aren’t attracted to a particular race – unless they exclude them BECAUSE of their race rather than not possessing physical attributes they may or may not find attractive to them specifically. It’s no one’s business but theirs. But putting it in their profiles is just asinine and rude and RACIST to say ‘NO BLACKS! NO WHITES! NO HISPANICS! or whatever…..”.

    • demetreus

      Thank you!!!

  • Sluggo2007

    MY preferences are what they are. I don’t care what anybody else thinks of them.

  • Lindoro Almaviva

    The top of this article should include a “No smoking” sign. There are so much staw on the floor that any spark would create a fire the size of Manhattan.

  • ebd407

    I advertised in the Nee Times personal ads in Miami a few times. I was teaching then, had my own house, job, car, college degrees, a member of MENSA, etc. Met one guy for a date, first words out of his mouth were, “Oh my God, you’re black!” No date there, claims he left his stove on. Another, peeled off in his car and nearly took my leg off as I walked to his car to introduce myself. Another developed a medical emergency and had to rush to his mommy’s house.

    The LGBTQ, WHATEVER “community” remains clouded and shrouded in myth unless we can accept those who are marginalized by our lack of….. The LGBT movement, nothing to see there. I remain simply, myself.

  • Herman75

    ….and remember you young fellas now emerging into your age of sewing wild oats, if you find you are unable to keep you eyes off a particular race that you are not a member of, that for some unknown reason you recognize some special kind of male beauty in a particular other, their skin, their eyes, their hair, how that all looks when they smile…..well that’s wrong too. You’re not living as a worthy enough gay man when living this particular outcome where what you dream about is getting your arms around that cute guy, holding his hand, kissing him, petting his hair and so on. What you are drawn to makes you a problem too. Make sure to stay in your gay lane, by not admitting anything at all.

  • PSGuy5

    Enough already! If a guy who isn’t attracted to members of a particular race is a racist, then by that same logic all gays are sexist because they are not attracted to members of the opposite sex. Really….are all gay men sexists?? If not, then don’t call men not attracted to a particular race racist. This is political correctness run amok.

    • demetreus

      You are missing the point of the article, either because you are illiterate or just to push your own divisive point of view.

    • griffin87

      I agree demetreus. PSGuy5 sounds like he’s illiterate or the product of poor parenting lmao.
      The logic of equating all gays are sexist is a weak and asinine argument. That’s like saying that all straight people that are not interested in the same sex are homophobic.
      Please reread article before you spew off irrelevant garbage.
      No one is asking you to date ALL race/ethnicities to prevent yourself from being called racist. However you would NEVER see on a straight profile a guy listing No Asians, No Blacks, No Latinos etc.
      You just don’t see it. Why?! Because it’s racist and would be all over social media.
      Just simply state your preference, ignore the ones you don’t want, and perhaps learn a thing or two one someone schools you on how to be civilized in the 21st century and reflect on that before you open you twat.

    • PSGuy5

      griffin87, get over your tantrum and actually read the article. The author quotes Josh from L.A. in a think-piece published by Gap Pop Buzz, who states: “letting someone’s race dictate whether you’d date them is racism”. He is not merely referring to the contents of one’s online profile. He is going beyond that and referring to actual dating practices. He goes on to state “At the end of the day, the person you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with may not be that person who is the same skin color or race as you.” Regardless of your name calling, I continue to stick to my contention that, by this same reasoning, why couldn’t someone state: “letting someone’s sex dictate whether you’d date them is sexism”. In addition, someone could state: “At the end of the day, the person you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with may not be that person who is the same sex or have the same genitals as you”. You seem to suggest that the issue is limited to stating your preference on a profile and not indicating who or what types you are not interested in. By that reasoning, I guess it would be OK with you for someone’s profile to state “Prefer whites only”. Somehow, I doubt that the author of the article or you would be pleased with that either.

    • griffin87

      It is established by yourself and the author that we all have our preferences. And that does not necessarily mean that equates to racism. However the issue at hand is the majority of his think piece article reflects his experience on HOW gay men treat other gay men and how they react when suddenly it becomes an issue, even when one has established a connection. Even though the expectation for sites or apps like Grindr are tawdry, it still is a microcosm of the greater picture obviously as experiences like Josh from LA is clearly not an isolated incident. His point as you have identified “At the end of the day, the person you’re meant to spend the rest of your life with may not be that person who is the same skin color or race as you.” He is merely pointing out that despite our preferences, if you open yourself up, you may be surprised. Nothing more, nothing less. And as I’ve detailed up above in my post, your comparison to sexism is illogical and impetuous.
      And as for the semantics of stating your preferred race on your profile, such as “prefer whites only”, I couldn’t tell if this is something you would condone? Would it not be less crass to simply put “preference for white guys” for example? Could you imagine the emerging LGBT youth struggling to coming out and having to read No Blacks, No Asians, No Latinos etc? What kind of a message would that send?
      Preference is very individual and personal, there is no debating that. However it is your conduct and how you handle oneself with respect and decorum if those preferences don’t align with yours, especially when it comes to race.

    • startenout

      So you’re saying that racial preference is born in us the same as homosexuality? That there is a genetic disposition to racism? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve read all day.

  • Neonegro

    The problem is with people either not reading a profile or totally ignoring it.

    I use Jackd and adam4adam.

    My profile clearly states “looking for dark skin blacks, Africans, Caribbeans and other blacks of African negro ancestry”.

    You won’t believe how many people who do not fit the profile sending messages.

    My response is “Please read my profile”.

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  • highestbidder

    I’d love to see a 400 pound dude walk up to that guy holding the sign and try to get with him. That sign would be torn up into tiny pieces in 15 seconds ?

  • kent25

    I really don’t have a problem with bigots because I don’t use apps. My problem is when I got out to the bars and clubs, the guys that approach me don’t give a shit about getting to know me, all they want to know is how big is my penis, Which is a Big turn off right there.

  • jhon_siders

    OH BS why does the media have to try there best to start shit ?? really the national news is so biased as I have said before its YOUR sex not every one else’s you have your wants and wish’s Queerty is getting just as bad pushing this !

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