Hi Jake,
The holidays are always a tough time for me as I’m not really close to my religious family and most people I know are away with their loved ones. What usually happens when I’m feeling lonely is I act out. It’s sort of a pattern of mine, I’ve noticed. My Grindr usage gets out of control and I end up drinking and partying a lot. Two years ago I actually ended up missing work for a few days afterwards just to recover. I know it’s bad and I’m afraid this holiday season might be even worse because it’s already been another lonely year with the pandemic. What should I do?
Party N’ Dismay
Dear Party N’ Dismay,
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
You’re not alone. The holidays can be a difficult time for many LGBTQ people, even those that have family to go home to, and many may find themselves more anxious or depressed than usual. The most important thing I can tell you (and anyone dealing with this very common problem) is: Try not to control your emotions. You don’t always have power over them. But you do have power over how you react.
What you call “acting out” is another way of saying “avoiding your feelings.” Nobody wants to feel sad, lonely, or anxious, and often our way of dealing with those feelings is to escape. Drugs and alcohol tend to be the most prevalent way people do this because they are so readily available. Sex and the endless search for the next sexual high is another way many check out. If we’re not careful, these behaviors can become habits that play out over and over again, resulting in long-term negative effects.
The good news is, these habits can change. Our brain have neural pathways that inform our behaviors. Right now, when you’re feeling sad and lonely, your brain emits cravings for escape through sex and partying since that’s the only relief it knows. But after you spend enough time exploring different coping strategies, new neural pathways can form, and those previous cravings or impulses can diminish.
So how does one actually change?
1. Practice active awareness. Notice your emotions. Instead of blindly reaching for Grindr, ask yourself first, “How am I feeling?” If the answer is lonely or sad, acknowledge that. With awareness, comes more space to make the best decision in terms of how to react.
2. Sit in your feelings until they pass. Once you identify that you’re not doing great, acknowledge the negative feelings and wait for them to pass. It’s OK to feel down sometimes, and you don’t have to always run from that feeling. Eventually, it will pass. If you can make it to the other side of your negative feelings, you’ll still be in one piece without a wake of destruction behind you.
3. Reach for new solutions. Although they may not be immediate, there are ways to develop new habits that can take you out of your negative feelings, rather than taking the “quick fix.” Call a friend. Have a therapy session. Watch a funny movie. Find that unique thing that best distracts you from your emotional state in a healthy way.
Often times, the best antidote for sad feelings is to be in the presence of other people, even when you initially don’t feel like it. That’s why I really recommend finding a therapist you connect with. There are also 12 step meetings or support groups for addiction and other topics. Remember, the idea is to develop new strategies that will create new neural pathways in your brain, so that you’ll feel better without being self-destructive.
There’s nothing wrong with healthy escapes from your feelings. And sometimes that might mean a drink or a hookup. But when you feel it reaches an unhealthy place, that’s when you need to take action. The holidays are meant to be enjoyed. Unfortunately, not everyone has that luxury. However, you do have the ability to take care of yourself, to choose self-love, and to make it the best holiday season it can possibly be. Instead of going off the rails, use this time of year to connect with the best version of yourself. It may be uncomfortable at first, but just like your sadness, the holidays be gone before you know it!
Jake Myers the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space , the first LGBTQ owned and operated national platform for teletherapy. He has a Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy, and is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in both California and Florida.
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Stan H
Well the Holidays are always important to many of us. When we are with family and you are single it gets lonely. Christmas is hard. To make a long story short in 1997 I just came out (and got sober) and it was a b i t c h. I saw my sisters with their husbands and children and I was alone again so I decided right then are there that would not happen again it hasn’t.
On line dating was new to me. I did not have a computer at the time but my nephew hooked me up on a AOL page. That was Christmas Eve. I met a few men and I ended up with my first boyfriend because of that night.
I was 30 at the time. I did have a few dates with a few men prior to that night but they were awful immature men. I decided to date older men and I am glad I did. By Summer I was living with my true love and he is 20 years older than I. Together now almost 25 years.
my suggestion to this man is to expand your horizons and look for someone that might not check all your boxes. Learn to accept everyone for who they are and NEVER expect you change anyone. Love people for who they are and don’t judge them for what they are not.
Chrisk
I’m sure my drug addiction started out that way. Alienation from family, loneliness, shame, etc. Drugs and the people around it become your new family. Oddly enough I was more lonely then ever. Then addiction kicks in and you forget why you started in the first place. At that point you’re in way too deep.
bachy
A friend of mine calls this time of year “The Holiday Trifecta.” Navigating Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s can be a bumpy ride. I’m not a naturally sentimental person, which helps a LOT. But it’s been a long time since I’ve had a “special someone” in my life and it’s the only time of year I find myself wondering what it would be like to find that again…
kylede
#3 “New Solutions” i totally do this….i save up all the funny and goofy and ridiculous movies on streaming just for this time of year… Yes i wast hours watching NETFLICK, but it beats drinking my self into a stupor.
abfab
As Cher once said, SNAP OUT OF IT!
RIGay
Temperance comes with age. When I was in my 20’s through my 40’s, I always felt like I had to accommodate every friend and family member with gifts and forced social settings, only to learn that the feelings were never… EVER mutual. All it did to me was overload me with stress and anxiety. In my 50’s, I learned to just let it go. Let go of the self-imposed obligations. Of what I perceived (shallow and vapid) people thought of me. In my 60’s, holidays have become a joy again. It’s me, my husband and whatever pets have taken residence in our hearts.
thisisnotreal
How do I stop myself from going completely off the rails during the holidays? two words: SELF CONTROL. there’s your tldr answer.
Yooper
F’ing grow up. It’s that simple. If you’re struggling with addiction, get help.