A straight-identifying man in his early 30s says this whole coronavirus thing has caused latent homosexual desires he thought he had repressed to resurface unexpectedly. He isn’t quite sure what do make of it all, so he’s seeking help from queer advice columnist Anna Pulley over at the Chicago Tribute.
“I’m a soon-to-be-32-year-old guy who’s only been in two real relationships with girls,” the man explains. “Over my life I have been attracted to girls (love at first sight with girls in high school, affairs with girls, etc.).”
Then coronavirus descended upon the United States. And. now, he’s not so sure anymore.
“During the coronavirus crisis, I have started to feel more attraction to guys (even when masturbating),” he writes. “Now, it’s taking me by surprise.”
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Without elaborating too much, the man notes that there were “some small signs” he was into guys when he was younger, but he never paid them much mind. Now, those feelings are back, and they’re harder than ever to ignore.
“So, I’m asking myself if I’m gay and that’s why I am not interested in a relationship with a girl or if it’s because I have an avoidant attachment style. I never find a girl good enough. Or if it’s just temporary. Or if I’m bisexual and I can deal with that side of me that I don’t really want.”
He adds, “I don’t want to be gay” saying he’s “always imagined myself with a woman and having kids.”
Now he wonders: “What’s wrong with me?”
In her response, Pulley assures the man that nothing is wrong with him and his struggles are actually quite common.
“You’re not alone in asking yourself big questions during the COVID-19 pandemic,” she writes. “Lots and lots of people are doing just that.”
“Now that we are largely stuck in our homes, we have the space to sit — sometimes uncomfortably — with ourselves for long stretches of time, and such openness can lead to surprising places. In the last week, a friend discovered they were trans. Another broke up with their partner of several years. And still another — a polyamorous woman married to a man — realized she was monogamous and gay. And this was just one week!”
Pulley tells the guy that it’s important to ask questions and dig deep within himself for answers.
“I, too, thought I would marry a man and have kids, and neither of those things has happened, and I’m entirely fine with that. More than fine, really,” she says. “I can’t look into a crystal ball and tell you who you will end up with. But I can tell you that you’re going to be OK, no matter what happens, no matter what your sexuality or the future holds for you.”
She concludes by telling him to do some exploring and to be open-minded.
“I encourage you to (safely, and when it’s feasible to do so) tap into those desires,” Pulley says. “Go on some dates with men. And see how that feels.”
“You don’t need a label to do this,” she adds. “You don’t need confidence or certainty or any definitive answers. You only need to be curious and willing.”
What advice would you give this guy? Share in the comments section below…
Donston
Lordy. Ms. Rona is not affecting people’s orientation. While he admits that he’s always had some same-sex attractions and curiosities. And fluidity is legit for some people.
A lot of people spend their youth hooking up with whoever or dating whoever or doing what is expected of them. But once they spend a long time by themselves or with a particular person they realize their orientation is not quite what they thought. Attractions, arousal and sexual enjoyment is not quite the same as desires and passions and sexual fulfillment. Some people are most driven by attractions and sex. Some people are most driven by things like ego, sociology, attention, family. But when it comes to healthy, fulfilling long-term relationships it’s more about who you like to persistently please and who you want persistently pleasing you. It’s more about who you like sleeping next to at night, who you want constant romantic attention and affections from. It’s more about who can you feel real emotional investment towards and who can truly break your heart. A lot of folks spend many years failing to get those types of nuances.
I agree with the columnist that identity needs not to be the primary focus. You just need to maintain honesty with yourself and a potential partner and do you. I understand fluidity and confusions and questioning and how complicated self-understanding and the orientation spectrum can be. But Lordy, do so many males seem driven by ego and seem to have this I don’t want to be “gay”/I don’t want to be seen as “gay” crisis. It’s getting exhausting. A lot of people need to be more focused on self-healing and self-understanding and comprehending the dynamics of their psychology and orientation rather than being mostly focused on identities, sex and relationships.
Neoprene
Are you this pedantic in person?
Donston
Occasionally.
erinrpierce75
Spend more time with your family & relative by doing jobs that only require for you to have a computer and an internet access and you can have that at your home…?6.gp/a74e3
marshal phillips
If you have to ask IF you are gay or bisexual: You are, Blanche, you are gay or bi.
Troysky
@Donston “….healthy, fulfilling long-term relationships it’s more about who you like to persistently please and who you want persistently pleasing you.” ……definite truth to that, which I’d not thought about.
Donston
That’s the thing. No matter how much you “like” someone, how attracted you are to someone and their bodies parts or how much sexual enjoyment you have towards someone, that doesn’t make a healthy, fulfilling long-term relationship. You have to want to please someone and want them to please you. You have to want their constant attention, affirmation, romantic affections. You have to be able to put up with their BS. And it’s usually not “love” in the romantic sense if they don’t have the ability to break your heart and devastate you.
This is what a lot of people who have or have had bisexuality, dimensions, fluidity, confusions in their orientation don’t really talk about.
Troysky
@ Donston ….makes sense to me – sounds very fulfilling….there is another area, too, where people just peacefully co-habitate as companions. But then that probably removes the “fulfilling” aspect, methinks.
Donston
Yes, there are folks who go the companionship route or they “give up” or they feel as if they can’t take anymore heartbreak. So, they have a relationship with the type of person who they know doesn’t have the ability to do that to them.
Orientation and why people do what they do is just far more nuanced and varied than mere identities or presented relationships and sexual behaviors.
Jackrabbit
Come over to my place and we’ll settle this issue……
butchqueen
You beat me to it! If you want, I’ll come over too and you can go skiing!
sanfranca1
Oh, pleeeease.
yancha
Another Graham post about heterosexual men being gay…. what a surprise!
Cam
It other words, he has more alone time and he can’t keep busy to silence those gay voices in his head.
Troysky
@Cam …….nailed it
Bromancer7
Yes, my dude. It has. Now go out and suck as much penis as you can handle.
Norm
I have never had fantasies of being with a woman because I’m not sexually attracted to them. I know straight men who have never had fantasies of being with another man. Now this guy says he has thoughts! You don’t dream about going to France unless you want to go there. Who has desires about something they don’t want, weather it be going somewhere, eating something or seeing a show or sleeping with someone. He says he thought he suppressed those desires? I didn’t have to suppress desires to be with a woman because I don’t desire to be with one. You only have to suppress something that you want to do.
Donston
It’s very obvious that the dude is not inherently heterosexual. But that doesn’t really solve his issues. He has to figure out just how much is he into dudes vs how much is he into women. He has to determine how much of his hetero ambitions are driven by what he really wants vs things like expectation, sociological pressures, ego or perhaps internalized homophobia. He needs to gain some semblance of where he is in the romantic, sexual, affection, emotional fulfillment, relationship contentment spectrum. He might have to confront some mental health issues. He needs to come up with a way to explain his dimensions/struggles to a potential partner. Admitting to yourself that you have some bisexuality/fluidity in your orientation is an important step. But it’s just the first step.
Josh447
@Donston,
Duh
Donston
Hey, Josh!!! Yes, it is a “duh”. But it’s also something a lot of people still don’t get.
msfrost
Gay is gay, Straight is Straight, ne’er the twain shall meet. You cannot change your sexual orientation.
Donston
Yet, there are plenty of people who identify as “straight” but aren’t really hetero. Just as there are people who say that they’re “gay”, but they’re no inherently homo. Then you have people who say that they’re “bi” or “pan”, but they’re actually inherently homo or hetero. And some people experience different degrees of fluidity. And some people have certain contradictions in their orientation.
Folks really need to get over the fact that identity, gender, sexuality, orientation and why people do whatever they do is never gonna be basic and uniform.
ChristopherEK
Wrong. There is a whole spectrum between point A and point B.
ShiningSex
@DONSTON,
IF YOU’RE STRAIGHT, IDENTIFY AS STRAIGHT. IF YOU’RE GAY, IDENTIFY AS GAY. SAME FOR BI.
THIS WHOLE BS ON “I DON’T BELIEVE IN LABELS” IS TOTAL BULLSH*T.
THE GREY AREA IS BI SO ENOUGH WITH THAT CRAP.
BEING TRANS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEXUAL PREFERENCE EITHER.
IT TAKES A LOT TO COME OUT AS GAY OR TRANS. WE DON’T NEED STUPID SH*T LIKE THESE STORIES.
Aires the Ram
32 years old (if this is even a true story), and he hasn’t figured things out yet? Well, why not get to bangin’ with some guy he likes, and then see how he feels about it? Like someone else said, instead of just dreaming and hoping of visiting France, get your ass on the damn airplane and go! It really is that simple.
Donston
From what I can tell late 20s to early 30s seem to be the peak range of when people experience confusions and/or fluidity. But some people spend their whole lives questioning their preferences, contending with fluidity, or wondering where they fit in the romantic, sexual, affection, emotional, relationship spectrum. There is no age limit to that stuff. That’s why it’s so important to make sure your life decisions are driven by you alone and not any outside pressures, a desperation to achieve anyone’s acceptance or by sociological gains. It’s also why it’s so important to comprehend the orientation spectrum.
Michel-Ashley
Unless, he really tries it with a guy it will always be in his mind and then he will be too old to wonder and feel rejected in old age!
Nomorjeans
We are born sexually creature and sometime you can’t help what your attracted to or what feels good. Some people love blue eyes or like long hair. Sometimes you watch gay pornography and like it! Life is meant to be enjoyed! Enjoy it!
sillyme
@Msfrost, it seems you like what you like is that animal or human I don’t want to know but you sound like you need to find out for sure for I’ve been with a man that was married to a woman and adopted a child while married and raised him also and is proud of his son and is called dad for a reason, get a life twithead, and learn what is out there besides blowing you nose in this forum and get some real sex not just your blow up sex doll.
ShiningSex
STOP WITH THESE STUPID FAKE STORIES. IT’S IDIOTIC TO POST SUCH STORIES. IT ONLY FEEDS THE HATE GROUPS TO THIS BEING “A PHASE” OR “A CHOICE”.
WANTING DICK MAKES YOU GAY NOT A VIRUS.
Majo0000
The internet is full of 30-40 year old men that are just now trying to discover themselves..mostly because there getting past the ‘any hole will do stage’ and actually need to have sexual attraction to make it all work properly..sadly..ALOT..of them are married men..get it figured out before you drag someone else into your mixed up mess..i know of no straight men that have a sudden desire to be with another man just because they are sitting home bored..you said yourself you had feelings when you were young..see what suppression does to people ?
CityguyUSA
The fact that so many are incapable of even living with themselves for a couple months speaks volumes about our mental health.
Michel-Ashley
It all depends what you want to be Gay or bisexual in this day and age!
Henreid
If there was any doubt about QUEERTY descending to total tabloid stupidity, this article is proof that the site has become another National Enquirer. What is next from Graham Gremore, “Aliens Made Me Gay”…?