A self-described straight 21-year-old has turned to the webs in an attempt to make sense of the tug-of-war he perceives between subversion and expectation.
And while his logic is rather flawed, we can empathize with his internal dilemma and hope he learns soon that the “normalcy” he’s holding onto is actually itself a warped funhouse mirror that deserves to be shattered.
In a post titled “Am I a bigot for wishing I was gay or queer so defying gender norms would be more socially acceptable?” he writes:
“I’m…at an age where I’m trying to discover who I am and what I want to do in life, I have a rebellious streak and I feel the most constructive way of harnessing that would be to defy gender norms. However I’m having great difficulty getting into performing arts/crafts without people wondering what kind of person I am. Gay men I think are generally accepted in society – and society allows them to break gender norms through drag, dance, poetry etc without batting an eyelid. If I started doing these things however, I think because society associates them with gay culture my friends and family would start to think I’m closeted or unwell. Potential partners and employers would question what the hell was wrong with me and I’d be castigated.
Or maybe not – maybe people would have a few minor doubts but continue to accept me as I am. I don’t know because I think I’m more well versed in feminism/queer theory and more inclusive than most. However I think I would still internalize this idea that people are judging me and become extremely insecure, making experimentation not worth while in the first place. I feel as if I were to start dancing and doing poetry all of a sudden, I would have to tell people I’m gay just so I would be at ease with myself.
I know this sounds deftly irrational but its what I’m feeling anyway. Am I a bad person for this? What the hell is going on? Does anyone else have similar experiences?”
Whew, see what we mean? Where to begin?!
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
First, it’s incredible that in the world he observes as a 21-year-old, he takes the statements “gay men are generally accepted in society” and “society allows [gays] to break gender norms” as token facts.
Piece of advice number one: read up on your hersotry!
Perhaps if you understood the sacrifice and risk (past and present) involved in various forms of radical self expression, you wouldn’t shrug it off so cavalierly.
But here’s the bigger takeaway: rebels don’t care how others choose to define them.
If people think you’re gay, they think you’re gay! We’re pretty sure David Bowie, the epitome of “straight guys who play with gender norms,” didn’t mind when someone thought he was gay. Actually, he encouraged the idea.
And here’s the even bigger takeaway: you don’t have to be gay to be queer, and if you have an authentic inclination to prance around in women’s clothes, you might be more queer than you think.
We mean that in the best possible way. Embrace it — it’s all love.
Anything you’d add to help him along on his path towards fabulousness?
Bradley Tabor
I get it queer straight dude. I find Lady Gaga tiresome and I love plaid, but dicks are delicious. The world is not fair.
Sebastian Holiday
Well.
Laurence James
*Facepalm*
Salah Bessiso
These headlines are killing me.
n900mixalot
Faaaahhhk who cares dood just be yourself, whether that’s playing with gender or adhering to norms. This generation over thinks everything but does nothing. Live yo LYNFE! If you don’t care what other people think then you don’t care what other think.
jayj150
He should do what Jenner did, conform to society and pretend to be woman so his likes for typically feminine things are socially acceptable.
Chris
As far as I’m concerned, the straight queer world can have him.
Maude
Bradley Tabor….”…dicks are delicious…” is the only ‘hard’ fact in today’s ever confusing world of ‘gayness’. Enjoy!
NateOcean
Ohhh…look at me, I’m a rebel!
What are you lookin at? Stop looking at me!
Wait a minute, look at me!
avesraggiana
Enough with the Straight Guys and Their Hangups already! Please!!!
dean089
Here’s another example of why it might be time for LGBs and Ts to go their separate ways. People see a guy in a dress and think “He’s gay.” Not necessarily. A lot of transvestites are heterosexual and have no interest in not being heterosexual. A lot of gay men have no interest in dressing like a female. If we’re going to embrace the idea that each person defines their own story then we might want to stop cramming different kinds of people into the same pigeonhole.
Dave084
I’m 58 years old and to me growing up, queer and gay meant the same thing. I’ll be fucked if I know when the 2 sidetracked and took on different meanings. What I do know is that the umbrella acronym used to try and encompass everything but devoutly hetero (if there is such a thing) has just gotten ridiculous. Before long every letter in the damn alphabet will be in use. What, decades ago, was the gay and lesbian community expanded to include bi and trans. Hence we have LGBT. OK not bad still. Now it’s further expanding to LGBTQI. And I even saw one article that takes it further to LGBTQQIP2SAA (real or not ?) Right. Let’s see someone whip that one out every time they want to refer to someone who is not part of the dwindling ever so totally hetero Billy Bob Jumpback community. Maybe we should just dump all of those and call ourselves OTTS. Other Than Totally Straight.
joeyty
Well isn’t he special !
martinbakman
Hey, Mister Arnstein, here I am!
George Watts
I wear a lot of plaid, band tees and listen to punk and metal and I’m as gay as they come. You can make assumptions about anyone. Doesn’t mean you’re right.
Pistolo
How would being gay mitigate the effects of stigma associated with drag/gender fluidity? Also, just because we’re allowed to marry, it doesn’t mean we’re accepted. Just because we have a few patrons on the tube who supposedly represent us, it doesn’t mean we aren’t still subjected to heternormitivity and expected to basically have to perform pageantry to make OTHER people comfortable.
Robert Wilson
The only thing gay about me is I like dick and Donna Summer.
Sand Nierenberg
This article couldn’t be any more dumb never judge a book by its cover
BriBri
Whatever fluffs your skirt!
Stached1
@Dave084: Bi and Trans people have been there with gay/lesbian people for gay/LGBT rights since the beginning. Stop trying to rewrite history and stop being a bigoted old troll.
iggy6666
@NateOcean: exactly what I was thinking. A true “REBEL” don’t give no phucks
Peter Bruce-Clark
Riva-Melissa Tez Morgan Sutherland
Riva-Melissa Tez
HAHAHAHA
chaucerintherain
Look inside yourself; who are you attracted to physically? Be honest. If it’s guys, you’re gay. Regardless of the answer, though, the other comments that encouraged you to “be yourself” are entirely correct.
Paco
This guy is a prime example of why it is problematic to use “queer” in place of “gay”. It should be its own separate description and not an umbrella term. Basically, he wishes he were gay so he can feel better about prancing around in women’s clothing. That is not what makes a person gay. He should embrace his queerness and not associate it with being gay.
Chris
@Dave084: I still cannot accept the term “queer” when referring to gay or bi folk. I remember it for the put-down that it was as in “what a queer!” And I forget how many times I got beat up on the receiving end of the game “smear the queer.” ….. Dan Savage may have reclaimed the term “faggot” for us. But queer is not salvageable. You can keep the term queer. But do not use it to refer to me; and don’t expect me to accept anyone else’s use of it.
Stached1
@Paco: I’ve met heterosexual/straight men who use the term ‘queer’ to describe themselves but they are academics and some would call themselves LOL ‘a male lesbian’ whatever that means? The one guy who used both of these terms had a hot wife and would cheat on her with women who are hookers and he was into taking all sort of drugs.
Kevin Wotipka
Anybody who judges another person simply for being f*cked up is a big fat flaming hypocrite.
steveski
wonder if he’s a straight cross dressing bottom or top? he’s easy on the eyes
Brian
If I put on a dunce’s hat and walked down Fifth Avenue at peak hour, same thing. It’s all about attention.
slymteo
@Brian:
Kind of like your comments 😛
Alan David Smith
i am gay. but it is only 1 part of me. if you find wearing dresses and poetry enriching. then don’t worry about it. it takes more effort to be your real self. it took me 40 years to learn that. i hate cooking. but enjoy baking to a degree. yet most baking is sweets. so i am once again in a odd situation. because i am a holiday sweets type. so for me i do baking for friends birthdays. life is not a straight line.
Dave Downunder
@Chris: I’m with you on that one Chris. The definition of queer is something that is odd or strange or abnormal and I refuse to see myself that way. I am totally gay but I am not weird or abnormal. Homosexuality is completely normal and just as nature made us so I 100% reject the notion that I am abnormal or strange in any way. I really wish they would stop using the word queer in the gay community it is counter productive.
Dave Downunder
As to this confused lad I take exception to his comments. What I take away from this is that he wants to be different and stand out from the crowd by doing things usually associated with (some) gay men however his biggest concern seems to be with being perceived as gay because of it. If he is not concerned what people think of him except for being perceived to be gay then he can go get f@#ked as far as I am concerned.
Kim Singh
The LGBT community; in particular the gay community worldwide is guilty of glorifying youth, worshipping the physique which comes with youth and disdains everyone else; the fat and the older. West Hollywood, Miami and the Castro district area in San Francisco are littered with gyms and shops selling protein suppliers, tans and plastic surgery…Gay men in these gay ghettos look plastic and identical. They have perfect skin and teeth but their innards are corroded from being caustic towards anyone who does not resemble a gym hunk. It is a sad existence indeed.
https://blog.moovz.com/gay-community-loves-fat-shame/
Joseph Carney
He’s a nut.
bottom250
Honey first you live your genuine life secondly us flamboyant and effeminate men are often often ridiculed, rejected and put down in the “gay community”. Sweetheart just be true to your heart. Big Hugs.
Michael Schmidt
Now you have to give credit, its another way to think about things. Manly, Feminie, UGHH, I worked with a Man for years, he did sorta send you the Gay vibe, but as the old saying “Don’t judge a Book by its COVER is 110% appropriate to this”, Dan met a wife, they have 4 kids and 29 years later, look like a POLAROID picture of PURE joy!
Curtispsf
Honey child, “To Thine Own Self Be True”. EveryTHING and everyONE else is irrelevant.
excuse me
And what does Ezra Furman have to do with all this? By placing that picture above the article, you make it sound like Ezra Furman wrote that post (as some comments suggest), while clearly it’s not him (Ezra is 30 and has made clearcut statements about his gender identity and sexuality). This is the real author of the post, who is 21 in 2016: https://www.reddit.com/r/SRSMen/comments/4c5c0q/am_i_a_bigot_for_wishing_i_was_gay_or_queer_so/
Perhaps you should clarify in the photo caption that EF is just a self-proclaimed queer person, with nothing to do with the straight 21yo you talk about. Best of luck to this young guy!