There’s been a lot of chatter recently about straight-identifying men giving or receiving oral sex from other men and what that means exactly.
The issue first arose a few weeks ago when R&B singer Tank told a radio interviewer that a man performing oral sex on another man doesn’t necessarily mean either of them are gay.
“It doesn’t mean he’s gay,” Tank remarked. “It means he sucked d*ck… because the art of being gay is being gay.”
Now, it appears as though bi-curious straight-identifying men across the country are second-guessing their past sexual experiences, as evidenced by a letter sent to our buddy Rich Juzwiak, the advice columnist over at Slate.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
The letter is short and to the point. It simply reads:
If a straight man receives oral from a trans or gay man does that make the straight man gay? Asking for … a friend.
In his response, Juzwiak answers the man’s question… by not quite answering the question.
“I don’t know, you tell me,” he writes. “Was the head so good that it made you (I mean your friend) gay?”
He then goes into a lecture about sexual fluidity and suggesting that maybe the guy (or, um, his friend) shouldn’t think so much about it.
“I am inclined to wax philosophical about the spectrum of sexuality and the pros and cons of declaring an attendant identity,” he writes. “And while I think that everyone should be doing a little more thinking than they already are, especially about sex, given your rather (no offense) rudimentary question, I don’t want to bog you down with concepts that could freak you out or otherwise interfere with your enjoyment.”
“I think that could be a disservice to the guys servicing you, as well as you. So just sit back and enjoy.”
What do you think about Juzwiak’s response? Share your thoughts in the comments section below…
Catholicslutbox
Glory holes are very common.
Cato
There are plenty of men with wedding rings in the sauna at my gym who seem to enjoy a bit of contact and play with other guys. If they’re pleasant and I find them attractive, sometimes I’ll join in. I think of it as community service.
Donston
You know those dudes could be married to other dudes or could be self-identify as “bi”. Why must “straight married guy looking for a dude hook-up” always be what comes to mind?
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Don’t worry dude, you’re not Gay. But your cuck is!
:-p
Donston
Simply getting some head and enjoying it isn’t going to suddenly make most men think they’re “gay”. There typically is already some type of questioning and/or fluidity going on. But for the most part I agree with the columnist. Focus on living your life, enjoying what you enjoy, and wanting what you want. However, at a certain point understanding the romantic, sexual, affection, emotional, relationship spectrum becomes important. It helps give you clarity and helps you better communicate yourself to others. But right just do you and don’t manipulate folks.
CityguyUSA
Don’t forget to factor in when that anonymous guy you blew or blew you goes and tells his friend from work and it turns out to be his wife.
Smith David
My older brother is an Alpha male type. I can’t see him allowing another guy to do this. I just don’t understand how any hetero man would be ok with this. It just doesn’t happen in my neck a the woods.
Kangol2
Go to Spain or Greece. Or the Dominican Republic or Brazil. Or Vietnam or Thailand. Or quite a few parts of the US (especially the Deep South). You’ll understand much more quickly.
Brian
It absolutely does happen in your neck of the woods. You just don’t know it’s going on.
evanxx
Straight guys have found out that men are more willing, and much better at giving head than women, because men understand the penis and a man’s libido. Men have better skills, a firmer touch, and a bigger mouth to trigger mind-blowing orgasms. That doesn’t mean you’re gay!
startenout
Plus there’s no such thing as an Alpha. Even the scientist who is credited with creating the concept (among wolves) refuted his own research after further study. So really the “Alpha male” conceit is a desperate attempt to assert your own doubts about how you masculinity is perceived. Mainly, it’s just guys being a$$es. LOL
Heywood Jablowme
The cultural assumptions about this have changed over the decades and centuries. In ancient Rome (before Christianity ruined everything) this was common behavior.
See the fascinating history “Gay New York” by George Chauncey: In the 1890s it was common for immigrant men (especially Italians!) to get bj’s from gay guys in the backrooms of bars on the Lower East Side. But of course, even to use the term “gay guys,” for those who we’d NOW define as gay guys, is a modern definition that wouldn’t have been understood at the time.
KCStuffedAnimal
Bisexual erasure strikes again!
Donston
Maybe he’ll embrace a bi identity one day. Maybe he’ll realize he’s “gay”. But I don’t think merely getting a kick out of getting head from a dude automatically equates to not being “straight” or heterosexual. Some dudes are indeed more “open-minded” or “curious” or have certain paraphilias where they simply get a kick out of sexual attention from anyone. And ultimately, you can’t really determine anyone else’s identity or sense of self. Just let people live and go on their own journey. I’m just over this obsession with supposed “straight” dudes indulging homo behaviors. It’s a tired ass story at this point. But embracing the realities of fluidity, experimentation and the romantic, sexual, affection, emotional, relationship spectrum equates to all these identities being less emphasized and being semi “erased”. And honestly, I don’t have a huge problem with it. Only people who are obsessed with identity politics are mad at the trend.
gavo92
Can gay guys get hard if a girl gives them oral? Hmmmmm….Bi? IDK..
Donston
I suppose if you’re someone who is sexually sensitive and easily aroused almost any amount of touching can get you there. And a guy can use his imagination while sexually engaging with someone that he doesn’t find attractive. And how many gay-identifying men have gotten women pregnant?
I’m just not here for forcing identities on people. Besides, do we really need more people embracing “bi pride” simply because they feel like they have to or because they don’t feel like there’s any alternatives? And do we really need more “proudly bi” guys who have overall preferences towards a specific person and relationship ambitions towards a specific person? Greater understanding experimentation, fluidity and the romantic, sexual, affection, emotional, relationship spectrum is needed. Alternative identities and alternative ways of looking at sexuality, identity and orientation is needed. While telling a guy he has to embrace “bi” only because he has enjoyed getting head from a guy is not helpful and would probably do the guy harm in the long run. Like I said, just let the dude live. He will figure things out on his own.
CityguyUSA
Somewhere I read “a hole’s a hole”. Not that I’m suggesting that I believe that but there are some that are all about getting off that aren’t big on using their own hand. Close your eyes and you can try to fantasize that it’s whatever sex makes you happy but the girl usually has a fairly short term interest in putting it in their mouth and it isn’t going to have the same I want to make you happy that the man will.
robinism
Sex and sexuality are two different thinks. Sex…a hole is a hole is a hole
Sexuality… Who you are attracted, who you would be in a relationship with, who you have that chemistry with, your sexual orientation or preference.
You may not be able to have a relationship with the same sex but a male has holes just as woman do. It’s simply sex
Donston
I am somewhat okay with viewing gay/straight/bi/etc. in this way. But it still creates logic problems. There are people who sexually engage with genders that they have no attractions to. While there’s people who don’t sexually engage with genders they do have attractions to. And just because you have a relationship with someone doesn’t mean that there’s relationship comfort/contentment and romantic desires and fulfillment. Just because you avoid having a relationship with someone doesn’t mean that you don’t have romantic, affection, relationship passions, affections and preferences towards that person. While the sexual part of orientation alone involves potential fluidity depending on the person but also involves different types and different rates of attractions, passions, enjoyment, comfort and fulfillment. That doesn’t even include the romantic, emotional, relationship side of things.
No matter how you look at identity, sex, sexuality, orientation and the spectrum, there will always be layers of ambiguity and individualism and personal motivations. And there will always be things that only that person knows about themselves and only that person can suss out for themselves.
GymMan456
Yes i think we need more bi guys. Happily married and saying they are always on the lookout for some exciting extra marital affairs. No its not cheating its just looks like that. Wife needs some nights alone or with girlfriends.
Hm? Come out session not applauded?
Donston
Once again, you have people looking at bi identities or behaviors merely to fit their own fantasies or fetishes or agendas. There are many folks who really have a difficult time being honest with themselves and others, who have a difficult time being themselves and with identity, confusions, understanding the dimensions of who they are and what they want. And of course, you whittle things down to sleeping with hot men who are married to women. The Internet.
KCStuffedAnimal
“Fluidity” is this currently trendy trope that’s used to blur the differences between sexual orientations, just as “queer” is used to blur differences between LGBTQ+ populations. In certain circles, you get looked down on if you insist on embracing a clear sex or gender identity. It’s almost become an elitist “clique” thing, and it can get ugly! Maybe a happy medium can be reached? We can acknowledge that, to some people, identity is very important; and to other people it is unimportant and even threatening. This latter group shuns labels and prefer terms like “fluid”. That’s fine. But IMHO, a rose by any other name is still a rose . . . and I can smell a rose.
Donston
The thing is I’ve experienced fluidity myself. As have some of the people I know. It’s surprisingly common. People just used to equate it to confusions or phases. Some do experience a lessening or increasing or general fluctuation of attractions, desires, passions, sexual enjoyment, etc. throughout time. And where people are on the romantic, sexual, affection, emotional, relationship spectrum can change through time. These are realities that people need to start accepting. Do some people use “fluidity” as a way to shame or to manipulate or to not adhere to identity? Yes. But that doesn’t mean it does not exist. It should be accepted just as inherent, steady heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality should be accepted. Ultimately, people are just too individual to get caught up in what everybody else wants to or doesn’t want to call themselves. All we should really be promoting is honesty, self-comfort, doing what you truly want to do, being with who you really want to be with, and living in your love.
GymMan456
whittle? I am trying to point to a typical problem which too few cares about. And its about how to cope with it.
Like getting a “Family first” tattoo to ensure your extra partners always, even in the act, know and feels they are secondary. Not cool.
Donston
So, you’re advising guys to get tattoos to let their wives and the world know that they don’t care about the dudes they have sex with? Your “solution” just equates to more straight/hetero/hetero-leaning worship and superiority, more people not keeping it real about their dimensions and struggles, and more people looking at same-sex relationships as lesser than or as some consolation prize. And what about guys who have overall same-sex preferences, romantic fulfillment and relationship ambition but are not homosexual or don’t live entirely homo lifestyles. They don’t face any type of social and psychological battles? Your “solution” is not a solution at all. It just adds to the problems.
djmcgamester
People get so hung up on their sexuality. Maybe he’s a bit bi but overall straight. I can work the other way, too. I say that from personal experience. Long after coming out as gay, I had one or two dalliances with women. Nothing special and has no impact on my sexual identity, at least not to me. If the Kinsey Scale had any real validity, it would probably make me 5.95 on the scale.
ShiningSex
YOU’RE BI WITH A PREFERENCE FOR MEN. NO TRUE GAY MAN WOULD ENJOY SEX WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX. JUST LIKE MANY STRAIGHT MEN WOULD NEVER ENJOY SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN. SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST LIKE THAT. ANYTHING IN BETWEEN IS BI.
KCStuffedAnimal
To me, the term “fluidity” implies the existence of a hard binary: “Biological males only” or “biological females only”, completely skipping over the bisexual (or pansexual) option. Otherwise, how could your sexual orientation be “fluid”? It’s this inherently heterosexist idea of switching back and forth between Gay and Straight. There is very a strong odor of Bi erasure about that. I’m just saying! Let me also say that bisexuality encompasses strong feelings for different genders at different times of a person’s life. Everybody doesn’t experience being Bi in the same way. Why do we have to portray it as exotic or invent a new word for it?
Donston
Sexual fluidity just means some type of fluctuation in attractions, arousal, desires and/or sexual enjoyment. There are quite a few people who embrace both “bi” and “sexually fluid”. Hell, there are people who have little issue with being referred to as gay, bi, queer and fluid. So, “fluid” doesn’t have to remove you from everything else. And yeah, there are people who are inherently bisexual and become fully homosexual or heterosexual as they age. And there are some people who become more bi as they age. Most don’t want to walk around talking about “bi pride” if they haven’t been inherently bi in over a decade and don’t live a bi lifestyle. It’s just not practical nor a genuine reflection of self. Not everyone or even most experience genuine fluidity. But a lot of people do. We can’t keep focusing almost entirely on this or that “pride” or what someone wants to call themselves. That makes all this “lgbtq” stuff seem almost entirely political and sociological not personal, which is partly why some people resent it. And there just isn’t any base rules. There are plenty of homosexuals who embrace everything but “gay”, plenty of non homosexuals who do embrace “gay”, plenty of non heterosexuals who will spend their whole lives being seen as “straight”, some people who haven’t been inherently “bi” in many years still claiming that identity, and some who will sexually engage with people for reasons that don’t have anything to do with their orientation. Promoting honesty, self-comfort, freedom, doing what you really want to do, and being with/loving who you really want to be with and love has got to take up the largest focus. Like I said, people are just too different and individual, have too many different motivations, and the gender, romantic, sexual, affection, emotion, relationship spectrum is too wide and varied to hinge so much on identity.
Jon in Canada
Having same sex experiences isn’t in and of itself a sign of being gay or even bi; however, if there’s a strong emotional connection AKA love, then yes, it could mean it’s more than just bros helping bros. Sexuality is complex enough as it is without having to be overly analytical about it. Enjoy the experience and leave it at that and whatever you do, don’t work yourself into anxiety over it.
ShiningSex
IF YOU KNEW IT WAS A MAN AND ENJOYED IT THEN YOU’RE AT LEAST BI.
I WOULD NEVER (AND I MEAN NEVER) ENJOY ORAL FROM A WOMAN. END OF STORY.
OzJosh
Men – including most straight men – are so besotted with their dicks that they’ll do almost anything with theirs, and most things with another, with a little persuasion, or an a particularly horny day, or sometimes just if the wind is blowing in the right direction. If you own a penis, you know this is true.
JromeGervais09
I meant woman not women in my previou post. Sorry. lol
radiooutmike
Hmmm. The guy is not straight. You know why? He has the fear in him.
Donston
That’s the thing. There are plenty of guys who do things with dudes (sometimes going way beyond getting head) and they still feel like they’re very much “straight”. There are guys who are unabashed about enjoying sex with dudes but still feel “straight”. Just like there’s guys who claim to enjoy hooking up with women but they still stay attached to “gay”. If just getting some type of enjoyment out of getting your dick sucker from people who have penises makes you feel “potentially gay” then there’s obviously some stuff going on. But it’s his identities, sexuality, sex life, love life to sort out.
CityguyUSA
New words for the same old problems.
Saps48
Heteroflexible.
one more thing
Lol, I think this is the first time I heard that expression, it made me chuckle…..thx!
Donston
Heteroflexible/homoflexible were “it” identities for a couple of years. That’s before “fluid” came along, “queer” got more mainstream, folks started taking more about the spectrum, and folks started talking about being “gay” or “straight” but not being homo or hetero. A lot of these identities come and go in popularity but the nature of people has always been the same.
Roan
It’s just a BJ. You don’t have to declare a sexuality or a preference to enjoy it. Feel free to enjoy it again and not be worried about labels.
twohanded
Look an erection is an erection, whoever sucks it so long as they’re good does it matter, so long as he’s good…………….enjoy it. One thing to remember guys know what guys need most and do it better………..just saying. X
Edwarderbee
Gay, bi, straight is just a term some people want to put on to Limit other people’s choices of what they believe is true. But is it really important? Sex is not supposed to be strict by those terms.
You can have sex with anyone(or anything) you want as long as you feel comfortable with the person. And it didn’t make you anything, it’s just sex. It doesn’t change who you are and who you have been.
If you just enjoy the sex and the adventure it brought along you will find it’s much more erotic and fun!
Enjoy sex in any forms as long as you are comfortable with it.