Reddit user Paulpaul123 says he masturbated two times with another guy and that it meant absolutely nothing. But now he’s terrified it’s going to destroy his otherwise perfect marriage.
35-year-old Paul and his wife have been together for seven years and have two children. They have sex four times a week and are still very much attracted to one another. But five years ago, Paul says he jerked off with another guy on two separate occasions.
“I have put it into the back of my mind all these years as just an experimenting phase,” he writes. “I am not attracted to men, I do not check them out, I don’t find them attractive, and I have zero interest in ever being in a relationship with a man.”
He chalks the whole thing up to simply being “something stupid” that happened. And he was able to keep the whole thing buried for years. Until now.
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“This person I had done these things with years ago has now moved close to my house,” he writes, “and this has brought back many horrible feelings.”
“I love my wife,” he says, “I am not gay or bi. I have been to counseling for this incident and the counselor summed it up to me having a teenage moment and doing something stupid. At the time I didn’t see it as cheating. Now that I’m older and wiser I know that anything sexual outside of the relationship is cheating.”
Paul confesses he feels “very guilty” and “angry” for over the indiscretion, but he doesn’t know what to do because his wife “can’t stand cheaters.”
“She says once a cheater always a cheater,” Paul writes. “She’s told me that if I were to cheat, she doesn’t know if she would ever be able to trust me again.”
“What do I do?” he wonders. “I can’t tell my wife. I don’t want our relationship to end. I did this years before we had children, I would never do anything to harm them or mess up their lives.”
“I just don’t know what to do.”
What do you think Paul should do? Vote in the poll and sound off in comments below.
Dave Basora
It’s called the morning after. The only remedy is to get together with him or another guy ASAP
Christopher-Aaron Paul Francis Felker
He should. Clearly, he and his wife don’t have an open relationship… So he’s cheating and should feel bad. Go talk with your wife, dude, she deserves it.
Emery Biggar
Tough call. He will make the right decision
Travis Stanley
Everyone deserves to know if they were/are being cheated on. So yes you should tell her or else you will feel forever guilty.
Brian
Jerking off with another man is pure and natural. It signifies male bonding. When two straight-identifying men do it together, they are bonding into one virile male unit.
It isn’t cheating if he’s simply lying beside the other guy. If he was doing something to the other guy, it would be cheating. His wife needs to understand the distinction.
Tobi
Do. Nothing.
Nathaniel McManus
That makes it a wash. It’s not considered cheating with your fellow bro giving you a reach around after a few dunks at the basketball court. Mutual masturbation is normal behavior. Chill dude!
Joe
He’s basically cheating. Masturbation is still sex. That’s why he still feels so guilty.
Mykaels
Oh for god sakes move on. It meant nothing, it did nothing for you, get over it and play with your kids. If you STILL had feelings for the guy or wanted to do it again, then that is a different story.
Damon Robbins
My advice is don’t do it again and don’t tell your wife.
Todd Pattersen
If it really is eating you up –
Its only going to benifit you in the long run…. However that is if there is no way to accept this inside. This is not cheating in my eyes- im sorry !!
Yes – if he was in many of our shoes and found guys attractive – thats another story. So as long as he is not supressing feelings – personally i think he needs to let it go! I will bet $$ its the Catholic guilt thing…… I have made huge errors while young and lived in hell. I tried to live a st8 lie and yes i feel horriable for hurting those around me. However i dug my own grave and now deserve to lay in it!
This is is St8 …
SpunkyBunks
If he’s still thinking and dwelling on it, he wants some more! He better not say a damn thing to his wife. Women are insecure, that’s just how they are.
She will always doubt him and be suspicious that he’s getting some more peen on the side. Especially after she tells her girlfriends and they will always try to convince her that he’s still chasing peen even if he’s not.
Arcamenel
So wait…he master bated with a guy as in another guy was in the room or they helped each other out. If it’s the former I don’t think that’s a big deal. It’s the latter I’m extremely curious how a guy claiming to have no interest in guys whatsoever ends up doing that.
James Sigmon
The thirst is real ,
James Sigmon
If you have those feelings then don;t get married to a female . Live your life as you want not a lie.
Billy Budd
He must NOT tell anything. It would be wrong to tell her the truth. He is not gay and what he did was innocent. FORGETABOUTIT.
Rochelle Flores
Cheating is cheating regardless of the gender combo – but I think if his wife/gf really loves him they should be able to talk and she should be supportive of him thinking things through.
Madeline Morianti
that kind of intimacy with another person is cheating i think…
Gary Hecklinger
You should come out!
Raphael
“I can’t tell my wife”. Hypocrite… If you feel so damn guilty, just tell wife, otherwise, stop playing the victim! The other guy did not forced you to do anything, you did it because you wanted.
Juha Laine
Poor bugger.
Dev.C
If he feels guilty about it I doubt it meant nothing to him, because otherwise it’s not something really worth discussing.
If he’s feeling guilt over something a juvenile as jerking off next to another guy, either he’s still sexually curious or in denial about his sexuality.
Jason Updegraff
if you didn’t touch the other person or get turned on watching the other person it’s not cheating… now if to jerked him off or choked down his junk … which I think is the more probable scenario… then you cheated !
Andy Herbert
I’m sure he does feel guilty. He’s fucking married. Hello!
Melinduh Kaye
People reach no Clarity until they climax — ahhh the irony.
Adrian Ornelas
obviously dont say anything unless you were jerking each other off its not cheating…
David Tillman
Well he should. Cheating is cheating doesn’t matter with who.. Come on.
Bromancer7
Sounds more to me like the guilt is because he really enjoyed it and often thinks about wanting to do it again. Otherwise why would you feel guilty about something so tame from 5 years ago. It’s silly.
Lying next to another guy while you each jerk off, without any physical contact with each other, is not cheating. Even if you stroked the other guy it’s barely cheating.
I would find another counselor who will help him come to terms with his latent homosexual feelings that he’s obviously trying to keep suppressed.
I don’t see any reason why he should tell the wife. There is absolutely nothing good that will come of it, especially considering her attitude about cheaters.
da90027
He sounds like an idiot.
ml822009
“Gay Man” Feels Uninterested In “Straight Man’s” Emotional Problems Posted On Reddit. This is just the case of an immature cheater who should really forget about the whole thing. There’s obviously some kind of issue if the fact that dr. bone is moving near his place is bothering him so much. Go back to your counsellor.
Victor Barry
Idiotic. He needs real problems to worry about.
Morgan Foxworth
If a relationship is strong, it can withstand a one-time infidelity. Honesty is key though. Secrets will destroy any kind of relationship.
tham
Here’s the thing, either move on and forget about it…or if you can’t stop thinking about it…maybe you’re not as straight as you profess.
But really, it’s nothing, move on, stop being a drama queen about jerking off with another guy…geez…whatever.
Eddie Hernandez
If you feel guilty then you shouldn’t have married. Once a cheat, always a cheat.
nowliveit
If the memory was not bothering him I’d say move on, let it go and be in a great marriage.
BUT this memory is popping up related to the fact that other man moved closer. To me it sounds like this has stirred some deep and buried feelings and desires. Those are the problems and what he must address.
Is it a desire to have something different because of the so-called 7 year itch?
Or is it a deeply denied desire that he is impelled to follow? He protests a lot that he is not gay, bi or ever want to be with a man… protest too much???
It seems that because this is bothering him that it is the latter. In that case he has some serious soul searching to do.
If he gets together with this man again then it will clearly be cheating.
Glenn Cheatham
Then he’s NOT STRAIGHT!!!
JerseyMike
let it go dude.. took you 5 yrs to be guilty.. shit happens.. move on..
sjbouza
If he were truly straight and it was a “mistake” then it would not bother him so much. Obviously the man is having thoughts about the guy and others for that matter. Only a guilty man tries to shout to the heavens he is not guilty and innocent man doesn’t worry cuz he has nothing to hide.
Daniel Salmeron
1). I find it idiotic that they put straight in quotes. Do we want straight people identifying our sexuality? Why should we with them. This was a one time occurrence and he has no interest in doing it again.
2). Talk to a counselor about it. My thoughts is he would tell you the same thing, to leave well enough alone and forget it
Vanessa Forbes
You cheated. Man or woman! You cheated.
Mickel Paris
This is ridiculous. Obviously he likes the dude, and now that he is closer, he’s looking for any reason to leave his wife. So instead of being a man and dropping her, he’ll tell her what happened 20 years ago so that she drops him and he doesn’t have to do it himself. What a pussy. People like this should be castrated so that they never have a wife, secret lover, or children.
ronjayaz
i THINK THIS IS A FAKE STORY DONE FOR PRURIENT REASONS.
BigG
This guys a coward. It is not normal for a true straight man to do this. Im gay and don’t go around sticking my fingers in women on occasion. Cheating is cheating. He should come clean and deal with the consequences. That’s what a real man would do. People think this is natural for men, its not. He’s in denial of his bisexuality. Many comments say no big deal, but wait until your madly in love with a man and find out he gets jerks off by others while seeing you. While your in pain, I hope someone tells you “its normal” karma. And if you don’t care, your not really in love
Malcolm
1)Should? Yes. If only for the sake of intimacy and positive communication. Eh, I’m just coming from my own 4 year relationship where we tell each other nearly everything. I understand we’re not literally going to tell each other everything of this nature, but an open-door-and-please-enter-it policy is IMO healthy. So if its an issue to him, then sure, he should let her know. Even if it could also harm the relationship.
2)Need to? As in *absolutely* need to? No, not really. There’s a lot of context about it that puts it at least in a dark grey area. I mean if my boyfriend did something similar with a woman, in the otherwise same context, I wouldn’t actually consider it a breach of our relationship, but that’s just me. I’d still like to know, so refer to #1 again.
3)Why is this important to him? And since it is, then why hesitate? Tell her. I won’t appreciate the anti-women opinions on some of this thread. Many will be understanding and actually want to see what’s going on before making a hasty action and leaving him.
I gotta disagree with many here that this isn’t cheating. It is cheating. Its operating out of sexual bounds of the rules established (or at least assumed) on both sides. Cheating is not necessarily the be-all-end-all (despite black-white thinking on the matter), but it does deserve to be addressed and helped, and that can mean anything from a good conversation up to breaking up. The context of this has it not NEED to be addressed, but it really SHOULD.
It doesn’t matter what you or I consider cheating – its what his wife considers cheating and whether he can bear the guilt of not telling her. The guilt doesn’t go away, it just gets transferred into something else, something maybe more negative. The rules of the relationship don’t change.. until it gets discussed and renegotiated.
I’d say that someone’s wife deserves to know if their husband has been in a sexual interaction with another if that’s what their rules indicate. And most couples have these rules by default. So he probably should tell her. If she can’t trust him after, that specifically is on her and is okay, since he did cheat, as far as he actually knows.
Spike
This is why you experiment in your lates teens and 20s and not wait until your are 35. With that said, it’s pretty clear this guy probably deep in the closet with religious nonsense causing the guilt.
Mack
If all you did was masturbated with a dude then you’re still straight. Go and sin no more.
Faye Denton
Obviously, that guy shouldn’t be in your house, but really you have to forgive yourself. Our past is our past and this is true for all of us.
topshelf
It’s pretty stupid to think about what you “should do” now. It’s your conscience you want to clear by divulging this information to her. Forget about it or suffer with the knowledge. But don’t tell. The end.
myloginname
I know it’s probably cheating but damn to me having sex is like playing volleyball it’s just a sport. Now if he was buying him roses and dinner I’d kick him to the curb and cry myself to sleep.
Giancarlo85
Reddit = bullshit.
Asides from that this man is not straight. He is at least bisexual.
ml822009
He’s straight. If he were crushing on or in love with the guy he would be bisexual. There are gay men who sleep with women and lesbians that sleep with men as well as straight men and women who sleep with others of their respective same gender. There’s no romantic affiliations here. The only real issue is this: dude cheated and feels guilty. Also, this is such a non-issue, it’s not even funny. Who cares?
Rodney Fletcher
BEEN THERE.
DONE THAT.
Then was blackmailed about it (by the other guy)
Confessed.
Got divorced 11 years later.
Came out.
Managed to remain good, no, best friends, with my ex-wife.
Been in 3 (multi-year) M/M
relationships since then and wouldn’t change a thing.
Life is all about experiences and learning from all of those experiences.
I knew I was gay from the very start.
But it just wasn’t time to face it.
At 32, I finally decided to stop living for others and start making myself happy.
Now, I’m in an open-relationship (so this type of thing isn’t an issue.)
Couldn’t imagine living any other way.
When (infidelity) is taken out of the equation all together, the possibility of success in a relationship grows by leaps and bounds.
What else is the leading cause of break-ups?
Jont Manganello
Neal same. (Derek)
4of14
While I don’t believe in, What You Don’t Know Won’t hurt You. I do believe that if his wife is, that intractible on this subject, then hell no! If he ever see the guy, and feels comfortable talking to him about it, that might ease his mind a bit. I doubt that that guy wants to hut this man, or his family. Were it me I’d tell him, while it was fun it’s over. Go home, and love your wife and children.
millhouse
I call BS:
“I have been to counseling for this incident and the counselor summed it up to me having a teenage moment”
If this guy is 35 then he would have been 30 at the time of the “moment”. Not exactly a teenager. That and who would go to counseling over something like that when they are certain they’re not gay. I’m also pretty sure his with would wonder what he was doing in counseling.
I tell you what to do, Paul. Finish high school, and stop posting your fantasy stories on Reddit to get attention.
FnameLname
Get off the cross, somebody needs the wood! This happened twice, years ago and the guy even went to therapy about this. Their sexual encounter could have been completed had they been in separate rooms. Jerking off is not considered cheating and if someone else happened to go along for the ride so to speak he really needs to just chalk it up to a little teenage experimentation. Why open a can or worms when what he did would really not be considered infidelity. I think he should make new memories with this guy so when he runs into him he’s not constantly reminded of the j/o sessions they shared. No harm, no foul. Move on and forgive yourself. Telling her is going to bring up so many unnecessary questions and feelings.
Bisexual-Transwoman
Yes he should tell his “wife” he cheated on her, if it actually happened.
@millhouse: Exactly, a lot of these reddit stories queerty runs about in denial/closeted bi and gay men are made up.
Hussain-TheCanadian
Masturbating while sitting next to another guy is cheating now?
He also had to go to a psychiatrist for this?
I can’t believe this is a real story.
Jarodd Washington
Why if you feel love with a man that makes you happy it would stay with that man that makes me happy
Giancarlo85
He is NOT straight. Stop lying. He is BISEXUAL. Some people here don’t know anything about sexuality.
WEBOne
Giancarlo85 Nonsense. I went to Jr. and Sr. Prom with 2 different girls – doesn’t mean I’m secretly straight. I don’t know what he’s so stressed out about. He says he masturbated next to another guy 5 or so years ago. Unless his definition of masturbation is a great deal different than mine it’s nothing to worry about.
Bisexual-Transwoman
@Mack: No he’s not, he’s bisexual.
@Giancarlo85: Exactly. If he really were hetero/straight he would not have had sex with a guy.
enlightenone
“…the counselor summed it up to me having a teenage moment and doing something stupid.”
The therapist didn’t say this!
And yes, he cheated in his wife and should come clean and then marriage counseling with a licensed, COMPETENT couple’s therapist.
Leave the guy alone or leave “wife” alone (divorce)!
darkanser
I think he’s being really hard on himself — almost puritanical. What would his wife say if he frequented strip clubs? He said it was on two separate occasions. He didn’t say if there was any mutual touching or if it was simply voyeurism. Yet apparently he achieved orgasm. Even if they were simply jerking off while voyeuring each other, it’s still sex. I think there’s some amount — no matter how small – of same sex attraction there — even if it never graduates to anything like full-blown sex. I have a feeling he fears the curiosity won’t go away or thinks the other guy may want an encore or doesn’t trust him to be discreet. And if the other guy doesn’t have as much to lose, he could be a complication.
Brian
“Bisexual” is a fraudulent word which harms men. It harms men because it enforces a rigidity in the way one thinks of men who may swing both ways. It suggests, quite wrongly, that such men are equally attracted to men and women.
Let’s face it – men enjoy masturbation. Men masturbate over many things. Men are entitled to masturbate together. They should have a masturbation day where all men can get together and do it, including men who are married to women. It doesn’t even mean that you swing both ways.
bottom250
Leave her for men, honey. Women are icky.
girldownunder
He’s still feeling guilty & STILL thinking about it– really?
Ok- my take. Don’t tell your wife unless you’re ready to tell her you’re coming out.
Lots of guys do a bit of fiddling early- but they move on & never look back. The very fact that this is still an issue speaks to the importance of it to you.
At the least, you’re bi, at the most, gay.
Never mind the counselor. They can only go by what you divulge.
I’ll call it gay.
GayEGO
This guy needs to ask himself who he was thinking of when he completed his masturbation. If it was the opposite gender regardless of who the woman/women are, he needs to move on. If it was the same gender, he needs to dig deeper into himself and determine what his masturbation goal was. All in all, masturbation really is not cheating and he should move on.
Cam
Sounds like he likes guys and is looking for an excuse for his marriage to end.
Golly, my wife hates cheaters, I am not attracted to other men, this happened years ago, but now that the guy lives close by I’m thinking of telling her.
Why now?
Easy, because he’s attracted to the guy, and if he is the “Good Guy” and tells his wife what happened, then SHE leaves him rather than him divorcing her because he is bisexual and wants a guy.
Giancarlo85
@WEBOne: Reading comprehension problems? BISEXUAL. Learn how to read. And don’t listen to Brian AKA Jason Smeds.
@Brian: You don’t know shit about sexuality. A straight man isn’t going to be having sex with a guy. You guys need to get over your stupid fantasies. Bisexual infers attraction to both genders… it doesn’t say equal attraction, you illiterate.
And your comments about masturbation are just stupid and infantile.
Steve318
We all cheat mentally and/or physically. Is masturbating alone cheating? Is a wet dream caused by a sexual fantasy or a sexual dream caused by a nocturnal emission cheating?
Bisexual-Transwoman
@Brian: LMAO Giancarlo is right you don’t know shit about sexuality. No I guy I know that’s hetero/straight would masturbate with another guy or want to be a part of your hypothetical holiday. No the term bisexual does not harm anyone let alone men.
enlightenone
@GayEGO: You are right, “…masturbation really is not cheating…,” BUT mutual masturbation is if you are MARRIED and you are gay or bisexual if you are 14 or younger!
enlightenone
@enlightenone: Oops, over 14!
enlightenone
@Steve318: “We all cheat mentally and/or physically. Is masturbating alone cheating? Is a wet dream caused by a sexual fantasy or a sexual dream caused by a nocturnal emission cheating?”
Is being CLUELESS cheating? Yes, if your partner was expecting some level of intelligence!
Bauhaus
@Steve318:
Yikes.
Marky
Unless you’re a nudist; getting naked with another dude bridges over into cheating territory regardless of who jacked off or didn’t jack of who. It’s obviously inappropriate considering they’re obviously not in any kind of open relationship.
ronnie_taylor
I think that is more to this story then he is letting on how does he know the guy lives closes to him unless he has contact with this other guy and if there was 2 separate times he masturbated with a guy was it with the same guy or different guy I so believe that him and this guy are in a gay secret love affair and I bet that the first time they didn’t just mastubated I bet it was full on gay sex and they have been seeing each other for the last 5 years and that they both have deep and strong feelings for one other and they r just making out that it was just mastubated just to break up with his wife to be with this guy I bet him and they see each other everyday specialty liveing close by each other if it was just masturbation then he would have stop thinking about it afterwards be still thinking about 5 years later no doubt about it he gay and he been dating this guy in that case he should come clean but some men find it hard coming out and I know it is wrong but maybe it is better for him to come clean when he is ready to come out of the closet it was just nt masturbation there more to this story then meets the eye or if it was just mastubated he might be in love with him and been thinking for the last 5 years of him and this guy and wished something else happened between 5 years ago and if so this guy is likely someone close to him and his wife it could be any of there friends or maybe a relation from her side of the family or even a work mate no matter who it is it has to be someone close to him specially if he is still thinking about it because beening so close and seeing them everyday would be hard for him to move on from this one time event between and he wants to break up with his wife to tell this guy how he fells maybe they are already to together nw he could have told his wife the truth or already and comed out of the closet and if nt I still believe there is more to this story then meets the eye and that I am right