By this point, observing straight-person behavior has become an anthropological exercise for us queers. So much so that there’s a whole subreddit called “Are the Straights OK?”
Take a scroll through the posts there, and you’re bound to see countless memes from straights who are apparently miserable. (Or, to borrow a turn of phrase from the Bifocals podcasters, “it would seem that the heteros are upseteros.”) And these straights are expressing that misery through sexist, misogynist, transphobic, homophobic, and otherwise icky humor.
Then again, if straight people are acting out, perhaps it’s because they’re afraid for their very existence. Remember, according to Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, the cishet human is an endangered species. “Probably in about four or five generations, no one will be straight anymore,” Greene said in a speech to her supporters in May. “Everyone will be either gay or trans or nonconforming or whatever the list of 50 or 60 different options there are.” (Um, far more than 50 or 60, MTG, but that’s a start!)
Related: Straight people: These are the things LGBTQ people wish you understood
Or maybe the straights getting rowdy because they’re not as straight as they presumed themselves to be: Recall that recent University of Sydney study that found that people went from straight-identified to straight-ish after merely reading a one-page documents about varying sexualities.
In any case, Twitter users are doing their best to understand straight-person behavior… and still coming up empty. Observe the tweets below, which beg for answers about the heteros among us.
look, I love the straight community. some of my best friends are straight! there's even one straight guy at work, Ben, he's so colorful! but enough with the photos of you guys kissing all the time. we don't need to see that. why do straight people throw it in your face so much?!?
— Lane Moore?NYC 10/1, PDX 10/15 (@hellolanemoore) June 30, 2021
why do straight people always need to say “ah sadly i’m straight” why are you sad?? honestly what are you sad about?? being accepted by society?????
— dori (@braveforIouis) August 9, 2021
Why do straight people have to tell me they're straight? Like, calm down, Janessikaren, complimenting you doesn't mean I want your vagine.
— ? Damon the Frightfully Injurious Meat Popsicle (@moonbornewriter) August 8, 2022
I’m sorry but why do straight people need a party to tell people they’re having a bigger party later? Like the audacity.#engagementparty #melbournelockdown
— ryandvictor (@ryandvictor) August 16, 2021
once again are the straights okay pic.twitter.com/mbuymTtWWI
— matt (@mattxiv) July 18, 2022
gay people why are straight people so obsessed with our lives
— Trixie Mattel™ (@trixiemattel) July 17, 2022
Related: If you feel nervous around straight people, you’re not alone
why are straight people having a manipulative-off when it comes to dating? ? https://t.co/B3U5VUKlFI
— 5hahem aka Dr. Durag (@shaTIRED) July 8, 2022
Straight couple behind me on the bus are giving eachother these super loud lip-smacking kisses I feel sick
Why are straight people like this? At least when gays finger bumholes in public it's discrete and silent
— LUKE ?? (@LukeCB_) March 4, 2022
Why are straight people so confused by bisexuality? Was at work and my coworker was like
“… said she was bi but she is dating a girl now so idk if she is a lesbian now”
Do… what.
— mickey ? (@ImposibleOswald) September 16, 2021
Why are straight people hung up on LGBTQ folks having a coming out story? Why do you wanna know how and why which genitals we decide to put out mouths on?
— TEE FRANKLIN HARLEY QUINN WRITER (@MizTeeFranklin) December 20, 2021
why are straight people so weird https://t.co/I90qw4ZS2B
— Gaby Ugarte (@hockeynuisance) June 18, 2022
why are straight people so loud when they talk.
— brie skull emoji ? (@bonkey_bong) April 8, 2021
Why do Straight people think the LGBTQI+ Community need their permission to exist?
— Feminist Witch (@DonCorleANN) September 5, 2021
Why do straight people have to announce they aren't gay so often? It's weird.
— dr. jenn m. jackson (@JennMJacksonPhD) August 26, 2022
Why do straight people insist on walking when they clearly have nowhere to be? pic.twitter.com/OvfoUHuGXl
— Yvie Oddly (@OddlyYvie) January 2, 2022
why do straight people talk about marriage like its a forced death sentence? do they know they don't actually have to get married??
— is ?? (@issykiwi) January 16, 2022
why do straight people want to party on a boat so bad. like are you sure ?
— sofía (@nanastudioz) August 19, 2022
carterhunter
Why do straight people keep talking about the multitudinous incompatibilities that exist between the sexes?
inbama
It’s real.
Contrary to “queer theory” and certain strains of feminism, we are not blank slates choosing “identities.” Your biological sex not only shapes your body, but your brain, how you view the world and how you function in it.
mikenyc352
Inbana gender is clearly more socially constructed than biologically determined. We’ve just done such a good job making conformity compulsory that we fail to notice the many ways it changes and morphs. What is masculine and feminine, male and female, manly and womanly is constantly changing and is different within different cultures. Regardless the divergence between the averages men and womens bodies and brains is far smaller than the differences between individual men and women.
dbmcvey
Inbama really does take being terrible to a new high.
inbama
@dbmcvey
Better than your taking foolishness to a new low.
inbama
@mikenyc352
The average male is taller than the average female. His brain, like his skull, is on average larger. He has on average more gray matter while the female, on average, has more white. He has, on average, more muscle mass – which is why we have women’s sports.
As for brains and behavior, just look at crime statistics: between the years 1986 – 1977, while women comprised more than half the U.S. population, they committed only 14.7% of the homicides. 99% of all rapists are male or transwomen while 91% of all rape and sexual assault victims are women.
Yes, the differences between males and females does not mean anyone should be denied equal opportunity, but it’s a mistake to deny essential differences between men and women, that men have subjugated women throughout history, that our sex shapes our lives and a “war between the sexes” is a real thing.
Not having to deal with any of that does make same sex relationships, at least in that respect, easier.
dbmcvey
inbama is never afraid to display stupidity.
bachy
Anger, fear, resentment, sexual frustration, power imbalances, obsession, jealousy, money: these are issues that gay, straight and people in every adult relationship formula have to deal with. But for me, the biggest “NOT OK” issue is when you bring children into a f*cked up situation. Children are 100% vulnerable, dependent, and incapable of dealing with serious adult problems.
I hate to see children suffer because their parents are AZZHOLES. To me, the biggest NOT OK thing about straight couples (and a growing number of gay couples) is when they have children before they are prepared to take care of them – and then traumatize an innocent child by dragging them through emotional disaster after disaster.
Find the right kind of partner and learn what it takes to be an adult BEFORE you have KIDS. And if you can’t get your sh|t together, DON’T HAVE KIDS.
Jeremiah
The unfortunate child today:
1. Up before dawn to spend all day in daycare or school followed by daycare with both breakfast and lunch provided not by mom or dad but the school.
2. Time in the car or restaurant spent watching a video screen instead of talking to family.
3. Getting pawned off to a grandparent so the parents can enjoy vacations and other adult time together without the baggage.
Man About Town
For decades I’ve been dealing with str8 guys who find it necessary to mention their wives or girlfriends, usually resulting in my rolling my eyes and thinking, I’d sooner do a threesome with my two dead grandmothers than get anywhere near you!
dbmcvey
Straight people really do need to control themselves. Who wants to see that all the time?