Hi Jake,
I am a 28-year-old, professional gay man with a very specific liking for married straight men. Now, I know such guys (usually in straight relationships and on the DL) should be faithful to their significant other, I just feel it is almost a biological urge on my side to flirt with them if I think they are cute or if they show any signs of being bi-curious. I generally like the daddy-type of guys and even for porn, my preference is “married man cheating”. Should I feel guilty? Why do I have this predilection? Do I need to change?
The Caped Seducer
Dear The Caped Seducer,
I don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to have guilt around their sexual desires and predilections, as long as you are engaged in mutual affairs and are not harming anyone or breaking any laws. Let’s face it, it takes two to tango, so if you’re able to seduce these married, straight-identifying men, then you’re obviously tapping into an unfulfilled need they have to explore other sides of their sexuality.
Is it healthy for these men to have an illicit affair with someone (of any gender) behind their partner’s back without talking to them about it? Probably not. But this is a decision they are making, not you. Ultimately, if someone is cheating, the ownership of that is on them, not on the “manstress”.
That said, you bring up some good questions about where this naughty super-power comes from, and why you’ve chosen to cultivate your gift, Obi Wan Kenobi-style. You describe an almost “biological urge”, which to me, could mean that there is some psychological need being met by wielding your power. The best thing to do would be to talk to a therapist about this, and see if you can uncover where this might come from (if you don’t see your state listed, let us know!).
For example, perhaps you love the “conquest”, and when you achieve it, it provides some sense of self-worth or validation that you otherwise might not feel. Or, maybe it almost feels “dangerous” or naughty, and the adrenaline from the chase harkens back to when you were first exploring your sexuality and felt shame, guilt, or that it was “bad” in some way (yet oh so good) to explore your sexuality. It might not even be that deep, and you simply lusted after the straight “daddies” in the country club locker room as a teen, and that imprinted upon you a desire for a certain type going forward.
Regardless of its origin, the question you seem to ask is, “What do I do about it?” As RuPaul says, “With great power, comes great responsibility”, so it’s up to you to decide if there’s any harm in this behavior, and if you feel it would be better for you to let your power go dormant for awhile.
Are you limiting your own chances to find a healthy partner because you’re drawn to unavailable men? Does it feel “safer”, in some way, to know that there’s a shelf-life once your seducing power takes hold? Perhaps it feels scary to think about going after an available gay guy you’re attracted to, because you worry about rejection? Rejection might feel easier if it comes from a straight guy, because you can blame his sexual orientation, instead of yourself. Again, talking to an LGBTQ psychotherapist could really benefit your understanding of it.
As far as if you “need to change”, that’s up to you. I often ask clients if the pros outweigh the cons. Are there any risks involved? Are you putting yourself in unsafe situations, such as the possibility of a scorned spouse enacting revenge on her cheating man, or a closeted guy wanting you to keep quiet from his secret shame? If you don’t sense any kryptonite, then I say, “What’s the harm?” Clearly your married daddies like themselves a piece of Clark Kent. Just don’t fly too close to the sun!
Jake Myers the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space , the first LGBTQ-owned and operated national platform for teletherapy. He has a Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy, and is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in both California and Florida.
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sfhairy
Shhhhh, another BS article from Queerty
jt1990
Not BS at all! This is typical behavior for gay men. Just as straight women find gay men appealing, gay men like to chase straight men. I witnessed this behavior many times while in college, and even more in the workplace.
Fname Optional Lname
“as long as you’re not harming anyone”
Of course he’s harming someone! You cannot rationalize this person’s awful behavior. There are plenty of single “straight guys on the DL” who can satisfy his super power.
johncp56
Ditto I hookup with many Bi guys, and the few married bi guys I do not know them, or hunt married men, or LOL straight guys WTF there are as other posted enough bi gay guys to go around, keep your fetishes moral somewhat,
Cam
The headline said his superpower was seducing married straight guys, but in the article it simply said he was attracted to them.
Den
In the text the idiot Jake, in fact, refers to the querent’s lack of ethical behavior as a “superpower.” And the querent himself uses the title “caped seducer”, implying a connection to superheroes.
So, no, the article did not simply say he was attracted to straight married men.
What the article does do, however, is make it very clear that “Jake” is in no position to be offering advice to anyone, being rather intellectually and ethically challenged himself. His advice to the “caped seducer” makes no mention of the responsibility we have to others to act ethically, placing all the blame for being seduced (and the definition of seduce makes it pretty clear that seduction is an act with low integrity) on the objects of crusader’s desire; focusing only on how this creep feels about himself.
cc423
If you are willing and eager to sleep with a married anyone who is not in an open relationship, then you’re seriously lacking in integrity and decency.
johncp56
I would not be proud of going after married men, bi guys yes, i love you bi men, and the word stright seems to be bending? no even on my hookup site I love Squirt dot org many bi guys post but lately post in person many are posted as stright, ???? but hooking up with men ? WTF
bachy
Conquest, the forbidden, and some degree of danger seem to be variables in many forms of human sexuality. The Caped Seducer’s attraction to married men is just one of the ways these dynamics play out. But I think most of us can appreciate how conquest, the forbidden and danger feature in our own sexual pleasures.
Or is it just me?
jaimedance3
I say use it before you lose it that’s what I’m doing! And thanks to it I have flipped 50% of my straight men that I’ve had down my throat and doing other things as well with several of them ! And I’ve had over 200 straight men all video and photographed with proof! And I even get callbacks for more especially the oral part since I happen to have special unique oral skills that they long for!
Den
If you are doing this with men who have open relationships cannot really fault you (except perhaps for the imaginary notion that you are “flipping” straight men). But if you are knowingly encouraging men who are not in open relationships to cheat, you are scum.
It really is that simple.
One either acts out of integrity, chooses not to, or is too dull and self absorbed to understand what integrity is.
Caelestius
Yowzer. It’s rare I meet someone who needs ethics counseling, career counseling and relationship therapy, but you win the trifecta!
Plenty of us have enjoyed a night or two or 20 with an allegedly straight guy. You didn’t climb Mt Everest, Doll, and you wouldn’t have been the first.
And in any case, it’s ok to play with a weenie, no matter the owner. It’s not ok to endanger someone’s relationships, no matter the gender.
Not ever. And it’s even worse to sing with pride about messing up someone’s life. Please cultivate a moral sense to match your oral sex.
Den
“Ultimately, if someone is cheating, the ownership of that is on them, not on the “manstress”.”
“I don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to have guilt around their sexual desires and predilections, as long as you are engaged in mutual affairs and are not harming anyone.”
Interesting that someone who paints themselves as some sort of advice giver has seemingly never heard of either ethics or integrity! Nor bothered to look up the meaning of the word seduce.
Someone in this situation is most definitely being harmed, but you are oddly unable to recognize who that is: either out of misogyny or stupidity, and most likely both! And while one should never have guilt over desires that actually are consent and mutuality based, there is an intellectual, philosophical and ethical difference between that and actively seeking to convince someone else to toss aside vows and promises for one’s own titillation. The querent should find a therapist with brains and credentials, rather than sending a question to an ethically confused “advice columnist” on a site not known for high standards.
Jake dear, you are an ass!
SumSay
There’s no magical spell that forces someone to cheat on their significant other. Relationships require adult decisions. If the supposedly seduced partner can’t learn to say no and stay faithful, then maybe they don’t deserve to be in a monogamous relationship either. Communication between partners and setting boundaries is how relationships work and make the bond more secure. Guilting a third party for the problems of the relationship does no good to anyone involved. Simply put, if he can’t keep it in his pants and he feels the need to go behind your back, let him go. He’s not ready and he’s not worth your time.
Den
“He has a Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy, and is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in both California and Florida.”
Definitely demonstrates that academic credentials do not necessarily mean aptitude for a profession! How the hell can this “therapist” imply that the person bragging about their lack of ethics bears no responsibility for the people he actively manipulates? How the hell can he advise that the major issues here are how the seducer feels about themselves as opposed to how they might evaluate and avoid unethical and antisocial behavior! Very curious how many marriages and families he has damaged in his career.
jt1990
“…academic credentials do not necessarily mean aptitude for a profession!”
So true! That’s why some of us are sometimes skeptical of the “experts.” (Although it’s most often the lack of ethics and purposeful manipulating that leads to distrust of these so-called experts.) Remember, Hannibal Lector was a therapist as well, and highly intelligent as he was insane. Off topic, but couldn’t help pointing this out for the Leftists around here…
Donston
This Jake dude is definitely cringe-y, reductive and reflective of a very toxic mindset. I wouldn’t even be surprised if they’re just an alias for another writer here.
wikidBSTN
Answer: No.
CityguyUSA
They wouldn’t be there if they didn’t want to be.
Donston
These “straight’ man indulging queer sex” topics been tired. Thankfully, this seems to be the only queer site still obsessed with that topic. It’s a shame we have to continue to de-fantasize things and remind people about the closet still existing and how there are still tons of dudes with queer dimensions who are closeted, have to remind people about queer insecurities or gay shame or internalized phobias, how vast and varied sexuality is, fluidity, preferences, paraphiliacs, hyper-sexuality, the gender, sexual, affection, romantic, emotion, commitment spectrum.
There were a few “straight” guys I messed around with in my early twenties, a couple in hetero relationships. The more I got to know them the more I realized they were hardly “straight” in the conventional sense. But most importantly, I was young and silly. I would never actively go after a straight-presenting dude in a commitment relationship as I got older. But of course, many guys get off on the idea of hooking with “straight”/DL dudes in hetero relationships. And they stay obsessed for their whole lives. As sad as it is, there’s really nothing anyone can do about that. Finally, getting straight-presenting guys to hook up with you ain’t some “superpower”. Around half of guys are willing to mess around with anything depending on the situation and at different points in their life, whether they’re upfront about that or not.
EddieB
Yes Donston. Sexuality exists in many wondrous forms. This is chasing married men. “Really nothing anyone can do about it” isn’t much of an excuse. Pedophiles say the same thing. If you are in your right mind, what you can do about it is don’t do it.
mecmass
Eddie B’s reply equated chasing married men with pedophilia.
Seriously? The former is merely a matter of personal morality choices involving another consenting adult. The latter is a very serious crime.
Max
seducing straight men is one thing if they’re single. seducing men already in a relationship (straight, gay, or other) is bad.
xanadude
The answer answers itself: “as long as you… are not harming anyone…” By helping someone cheat on their spouse, you ARE hurting someone. Whether they find out or not. Always ask yourself “how would YOU feel?” and if you wouldn’t care, when they you are just a sociopath.
humble charlie
you’ve only got one life. if the other person is willing then do it.
nunya
“I am a…professional gay man…” I didn’t know being gay was a profession.
butchqueen
You’ll grow up eventually.
winemaker
Why waste time on men you can’t have a real open relationship with. Really, how would ypu llike your partner doing this to you? Getting involved with somebody already ‘involved’ is a huge mistake, unfulfilling and a waste of time and emotion. As they say, what goes around eventually comes around.