Is there anything worse than being straight? It sounds absolutely awful, from the boring smalltalk, to the white picket fences, to not being allowed to eat ice cream. Wait, what?
Yes, apparently that’s a new rule for straight people–sorry, heterosexuals! According to British TV host Richard Hammond, “I don’t eat ice cream. It’s something to do with being straight.” He said this in a room full of people, with cameras pointed at him, and he appeared sober, so it must have been something he intended to say. And then he doubled down and defended himself.
Hammond added, “it’s that way rather than that way.” What even are straight people? How do they live in this insane world where the rules are constantly shifting like a churning bucket of dairy products?
Anyway, this probably means more ice cream for queer people, or something. Since this odd moment happened, Twitter has been sharing various weird stories about the gymnastics straight people have to endure: “One time a straight didn’t want to capitalize on the 2-4-1 cocktail happy hour with me because two guys drinking cocktails was weird,” writes one person. “An ex’s house mate had really long hair, but wouldn’t use a hairdryer because gay. He smelled damp all the time,” writes another. And another said, “my uncle told my cousin he can’t chew gum. Gum is for women and gay men. Mints are for men.”
Just another reminder to thank your lucky stars every single day that you can do what you like, lick whatever you want, and don’t have to constantly prove your sexuality.