Tarotscopes that slay: Get your astrology read for filth (Sept. 9-Oct. 8 cycle)

You’re wondering WTF is a Tarotscope. I got you. It’s like a horoscope, but instead of tuning into just your Astrology (ie. the planets’ influence is on your life), I pull a Tarot card for each sign and through that lens we see what your moonth has in store. I say moonth, where do you think the word MONTH originated? Yeah, from the moon herself. Did I just blow your mind?

Think about it, our Gregorian calendar is totally arbitrary and an outdated holdover courtesy of the patriarchy, okur? Which is why I’ll be releasing these Tarotscopes in concert with the New Moon– so that we can start to become aware of what a natural cycle feels like.

Maybe you’re also wondering what the hell a New Moon is but you don’t want to seem basic; again, I got you. A New Moon, which happens thirteen times throughout the course of a year, is when the moon is wholly invisible to us. This happens because the Moon situates itself between the Sun and the Earth, her illuminated side facing away from us.

New Moons ask us to start over so that we can start better. Think of it as a mini New Year’s Eve that happens every moonth. It’s a great time to make resolutions, start up projects or simply forgive yourself and start anew.

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NEW MOON IN VIRGO

Ever since I was a young homo Sex and the City has been one of my spiritual teachers. If isn’t one of yours, you’re missing out on some serious wisdom, for reals! I keep thinking about a scene where Charlotte, fresh from an annihilating divorce, heads into a bookstore to find: Starting Over, Yet Again. She cautiously approaches the self-help section. Sobbing women line the aisles and she is overcome with embarrassment to be amongst them. The reason I bring this up is because this scene clearly illustrates how starting over takes huge guts. And the best of us will start over and start again many times in our lives. Admitting your mistakes is hard. Being willing to make new mistakes is even harder.

This new moon in Virgo (which occurs Sunday at 11:01 AM, Pacific) is a chance for all of us to START OVER, YET AGAIN. Even if things have been going pretty well for you lately (you lucky duck) this is a profound opportunity to wipe the slate clean, emotionally, mentally, physically and most of all, spiritually. Virgo is the sign of the virgin and I’m not talking about someone who has never had sex (because that would be sad). I relate to Virgo as the energy of purity. The pure essence of who you were before your family and society and this deeply backwards culture fucked us all the way up. Virgo invites us into the temple of our own inner healer, and in this space we can be reminded of who we really are.

The retrograde Summer slowed us down so we could notice where we were tripping over our own feet. And while it wasn’t fun, at least we have insight into our own clever methods of self-sabotage. Now that we know better, we can do better– and sis, you know better now. This new moon marks a turning point in pursuing the dreams that we actually want in a radically different way. This isn’t a new chapter. This is a WHOLE NEW BOOK. And I would encourage you to give it a title… ideally one that isn’t as basic as Starting Over, Yet Again, but hell, if that works for you, run with it. What is this next book of your life going to be about? Who are you ready to be? You know now where you’ve fallen in the past. But tell me, where are you ready to fly?

Even though Eclipse season is over and Mercury, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn are no longer running backwards, there are still tons of cosmic moves happening in the sky.  I mean, that’s the thing with Astrology, there’s always something happening. But I can’t get into all that here because there just isn’t space or time. So I encourage you to please tune into THE SPIRITUAL GAYZ, a podcast my husband and I have started dedicated to exploring the wide reaches of spirituality without pretending that it all makes sense.  Our aim is to make all this esoteric wisdom as accessible as a Real Housewives reunion because these ancient practices are our birthright and we’ve been disconnected from them for too long! Tune in, subscribe, follow us on Instagram and please rate us 5 stars! How do you find it? Easy! Click HERE!

Also, if you’ve been feeling a call to learn more about the Tarot herself, you’re in luck. In the spirit of Virgo back-to-school season, I’m teaching a three week course in San Diego called TAROT + VINO (starting on September 25th). These three classes will give you everything you need to begin to connect with your intuition and confidently read cards for yourself and others. It’s taking place at the Rose Wine Bar in South Park. Every class will come with wine pairings and snacks and each student will receive their own Tarot deck. Find more information about the class here.

If you don’t live near San Diego, don’t panic! My intention is to start taking this class around the country and then the world, so please reach out and let me know where you’d like me to come next! Ok, enough self promotion (sorry, not sorry, a girls gotta eat).

COLLECTIVE CARD FOR THE MOONTH:

Three of Pentacles

The message coming through for all of us this cycle is that it’s time to team up. Big dreams require big teams. This card encourages all of us to start calling in our perfect partners, not for sex or romance but for the manifestation of our dreams. If your projects are ever to going to make it from your head out into the real world, you are going to need help. And this moonth is about opening yourself up to who might be willing to assist you in bringing forth the new vision.

Newsflash: You don’t have to be good at everything. So why are you trying to do it all? In this depiction of the card, we see a bricklayer, building around a stained glass window. He didn’t make the window, that’s not what he’s good at. He’s good at creating the foundation. The Three of Pentacles wants you stay in your lane, keep doing what you love to do, keep getting better at it. And instead of trying to learn new skills that don’t interest you, partner up.

If you’re a creative, find your business partner. If you’re a money whiz, find your idea guy. The story that you’re going to make it all on your own is just that, a story and a boring one at that. No one succeeds all by themselves. Even the most brilliant novelists need a publisher. The most talented painters need an art dealer. Lawyers need clients, teachers need students. Stop pretending that you have to do this by yourself. Open yourself to asking for help.

Asking for help is hard because it requires us to be vulnerable, to say: I cannot do this alone. But the truth is that most people love offering help to others (except for driving someone to the airport– no one likes that). Being asked for help makes us feel needed. And everyone likes to feel needed.

We have to relinquish our pride and seek out people who excel where we get stuck. Imagine that the dream you are work towards, the class you want to teach, the shop you want you to open, is like a big house on a hill. Eventually, you are going to live there. But to live there all by yourself would be lonely and frankly depressing AF. Start enlisting others to help you on your way. That way, when the house is built, you can throw a huge fucking party for everyone that helped you, instead of sitting there alone wondering why you built it in the first place.

Below are personalized Tarotscopes for each sign.

Read for your sun sign, and if you know your rising sign you can read that too.

VIRGO

The Fool

There is no card that speaks to new beginnings more profoundly than The Fool. It is the very first card of the Tarot, not one but zero. And last moonth, you pulled The World, the very last card of the Tarot. It had you tying up loose ends, putting periods at the end of long sentences and finding sacred completions. But now that is all behind you. So what next? Everything. The Fool is the energy of Alice falling into the rabbit hole, of Neo taking the red pill. Your next adventure has just begun and it is an auspicious one.

I know you Virgos like to plan ahead and carefully consider your path forwards, but that’s not the invitation. Right now you get to make it up as you go and leap head first into the unknown. You don’t have to know where you’re going, in fact it’s better if you don’t. That’s what fools love to do, right? Fools rush in. So throw caution to the wind and just start saying yes.

The power of the Fool is that she doesn’t know all the rules. And when you don’t know the rules you are not bound by them. Remember when Wile E. Coyote would run off a cliff chasing after the Roadrunner? So long as he didn’t look down he could keep running in mid air. It was only when he realized what he was doing wasn’t possible that he began to fall. Give yourself permission to forget the laws of possibility. This is a brand new you and this you can fly.

***Schedule your own one-on-one with Brandon here and follow him on Instagram @thebrandonalter and on Twitter @thebrandonalter.***

LIBRA

The Empress (reversed)

This is my favorite card in the deck. Libras are ruled by Venus and so is the Empress. Venus is the planet that speaks to our divine feminine. She is the ruler of beauty and love, art and creativity. So you are well suited for each other. Which has me wondering why it’s coming up reversed. Remember, reversals read you. Meaning that you are somehow reversed to your own sensual beauty, your own natural essence.

Perhaps you have forgotten who you really are. Nature will remind you. The Empress is the embodiment of Mother Earth. And maybe you’ve spent too much time wrapped up in soul-sucking work or toxic relationships or just your damn phone lately. This card wants you get back into your body. To feel your power as a natural being. As a lofty air sign, you can get trapped in that gorgeous head of yours, Libra. So take this invitation to return to yourself in the flesh.

I would schedule some time outdoors. Take hikes. Eat lavish meals. Make sure you are getting touched. Sex is great, but so are massages, holding hands with friends, walking barefoot in the park. You need to return to the world of sensation this moonth. That means not thinking but feeling. If you start to feel your monkey mind spinning a million miles a minute, take a deep breath and touch the Earth. You have much more in common with a tree than you do with a computer. If you let the Empress work with you, you will return to yourself in a profound way. Don’t wrestle with your thoughts. Abandon them completely for something a whole lot more nourishing.

***Schedule your own one-on-one with Brandon here and follow him on Instagram @thebrandonalter and on Twitter @thebrandonalter.***

SCORPIO

The Chariot (reversed)

When we are in Chariot energy we are consumed with our ambition and our need for victory and usually we are getting it. However, this pull was upside down, which leads me to believe that you are not receiving your own progress. Something in you is resisting your own achievements. So please, take a hot second, and just pat yourself on the fucking back. Because you have moved some serious mountains lately and even if they aren’t right where you want them, they certainly aren’t back where they started.

That having been said, don’t get too cocky because the Chariot can be a trap. If you are always ruled by your need for success you will never take risks outside of the status quo. You won’t quit your job, you won’t travel the world, you won’t take the unusual path your soul is longing for. Sometimes a reversal can indicate an unhealthy attachment to the energy of the card. You’re reversed to the Chariot because you are addicted to it. Your ego is calling all the shots and your soul is crying out for help.

You see our egos are tricky little devils that want nothing more than stability and security. They thrive by trying to keep things the same. But if we are consumed by how we are perceived in the world, we may never do the things we actually came here to do. Now I’m not saying you can’t drive a nice car and live in a nice house. But all the money and status in the world cannot fill the hole inside you that adventure, nature and magic can. So find the balance this month between your ambition and your spirit and make sure your ego isn’t outweighing your heart.

***Schedule your own one-on-one with Brandon here and follow him on Instagram @thebrandonalter and on Twitter @thebrandonalter.***

SAGITTARIUS

Page of Pentacles (reversed)

Pentacles are the suit of Earth, they speak to the physical realm of our lives. At their essence the journey of Pentacles is learning how to be here (on planet Earth) in a good way. And the Page is learning how to integrate what he’s learned into the daily processes of his life. In my practice this card is double Earth and whenever I pull it, it’s a reminder to bolster my relationship to this planet I call home.

After spending last cycle in Hermit energy, turning inwards and tending to your heart, this moonth’s invitation is to get out into nature. That can be the forest, the beach, the desert, the garden, your backyard or even just your own body. Don’t forget that your body is nature too. And since this sucker came in upside down, I’m going to wager that something in you is resisting this call to get outside. Or maybe the resistance is about being in your own body. Either way, you gotta push through and get grounded.

Listen, I’m no boy scout. I don’t like getting dirty. I don’t know how to pitch a tent or build a fire. I prefer hotels to campgrounds. But in my own way I have found how to develop a deep and authentic relationship with the spirits of nature all around me. So this moonth, in your own way, figure out how to commune with the spirit of this planet that we call home. Maybe it’s as simple as buying a plant. Or it could be as elaborate as planning a trip to Peru. But whatever you do, make sure it resonates with you. When we give ourselves to nature, nature gives us back ourselves again.

***Schedule your own one-on-one with Brandon here and follow him on Instagram @thebrandonalter and on Twitter @thebrandonalter.***

CAPRICORN

Nine of Swords (reversed)

Last moonth had you diving deep into your shadow and I’m sure you didn’t relish everything you found. Just know that’s ok. We don’t have to fall in love with our shadows we just have to accept them. And if you take a look at this card it’s a stunning depiction of what it feels like to stare our demons down. I call the Nine of Swords the drama queen card. It speaks to our tendency to believe every worst case scenario our mind delivers us. When the truth is usually nowhere near as bad as we think.

I want you to dial down the drama on yourself this month. You’re going to be fine. And deep down in your heart you know this is true. But speaking to the reversal, I wonder if you are somehow addicted to all this drama. Some people connect through compliments, others through complaining. I have a feeling you might be in the latter category.

Nines in the Tarot represent a sort of completion. Swords represent the mind. The essence of this invitation is to reframe your mental landscape. Essentially, stop being so damn negative. Stop believing every scary nightmare that visits your brain. What if you could trust that you are being taken care of, that everything is going to work out in your benefit? Is that even scarier than all of your recent shadow work? Trust is terrifying but it’s the only way out. Try to spend this moonth growing your trust, not your monsters and I bet you’ll find a whole lot more to smile about.

***Schedule your own one-on-one with Brandon here and follow him on Instagram @thebrandonalter and on Twitter @thebrandonalter.***

AQUARIUS

The Hanged Man (reversed)

Ok weirdos, here’s our medicine this moonth, to surrender as deeply as possible. The Hanged Man doesn’t struggle, he accepts and allows. And that’s the mantra for this next cycle, to accept and allow everything that presents itself to you. Most importantly yourself. The Hanged Man relinquishes control to the tides, to the rhythms of nature and especially to his own unique design.

You are who you are and that is glorious. Stop fighting yourself. Stop judging yourself. Every piece of you, from your kinks to your curiosities is of cosmic design. Instead of trying to fit yourself into a box that’s too small or pretending to be normal like everyone else, this moonth should find you being your most extra.

Authenticity is the name of the game with this card. The more you can be yourself, all of yourself, wherever you are, the faster your destiny will manifest. You can’t outsmart your soul’s purpose, even someone as brainy as you. So why not just follow the grace of being who you are. If other people don’t understand or don’t like it, that’s perfectly fine. What isn’t fine is if you don’t like it. You have to love your quirks, your queerness, your quest. Because as soon as you love yourself with your whole soul, the world will deliver you your dreams instantly.

***Schedule your own one-on-one with Brandon here and follow him on Instagram @thebrandonalter and on Twitter @thebrandonalter.***

PISCES

The Emperor (reversed)

The cards don’t lie. You are still resisting your expansion. I feel you dimming your light to keep other people comfortable, but you know what, fuck ‘em. I think you’re finally ready to claim your bigger life. The Emperor is the king of kings, the biggest of the big daddies. And more than anything he wants to help you take up space, as much space as possible. I know this doesn’t come easily to you. You’d prefer to swim in someone else’s fishbowl than claim your whole ocean, but there’s a new beginning afoot and I want you to take advantage of it.

Taking up space happens both out in the world and inside ourselves. The degree to which we shine our light externally is always equal to the degree with which we shine in our sacred hearts. Now I’m not saying any of this is going to be comfortable, putting yourself out there requires a shit-ton of courage. But you gather that courage by gathering up more of yourself. Are there parts of yourself you could be using a lot more of? The appearance of this card would say so.

The thing is, you can’t afford to stay small any longer. Your bigger life is waiting for you and you have to claim it. You have to speak up and speak out. No one is going to hand you your dreams and even if they did, you wouldn’t appreciate them. So take this moonth and surprise yourself, shock the hell out of yourself, with how loud, proud, aggressive, hungry and confident you can be. Don’t take no for an answer. Don’t take what’s coming to you. Demand more. Because you are the right person for the job. You are the brilliant, inspired and deeply sensitive soul this world has been waiting for. And if you keep on doubting yourself we will all suffer the loss.

***Schedule your own one-on-one with Brandon here and follow him on Instagram @thebrandonalter and on Twitter @thebrandonalter.***

ARIES

Temperance (reversed)

You’ve been on a quite a wild ride recently and I can’t say it’s going to slow down anytime soon. But that doesn’t mean you can’t take some deep breaths and some meaningful breaks. The image I get when I tune into you is a roller-coaster. You are buckled in and it’s a really long coaster, sometimes you’re screaming and laughing and crying. And then other times you close your eyes and you meditate, even when you’re upside down. Temperance has arrived to teach you balance and moderation, not necessarily in the outside world, but within yourself.

This card marks the end of a long internal journey. You have learned so much about yourself, your dark and your light. You’ve killed off your false selves, you’ve dropped several masks, you’ve even managed to slay some of your ego. And now you’re about ready to re-emerge into the world as this leveled up version of yourself. The key is to take it easy. Take it easy on yourself, because you’re not perfect (close but not quite). If you fuck up, own it. But don’t crucify yourself. When you succeed magnificently, own it. But don’t let it go to your head.

The essence of Temperance is allowing duality. Some nights you’ll have to work until four in the morning. Other mornings you’ll get to sleep in until noon. Try not to become rigid. Each day is going to be quite different this moonth. So embrace each day as it comes and allow yourself to play with your edges. How soft can you be, how hard? How connected can you stay to your inner truth while still making waves in the workplace? These are the challenges you’re sure to ace this next cycle.

***Schedule your own one-on-one with Brandon here and follow him on Instagram @thebrandonalter and on Twitter @thebrandonalter.***

TAURUS

Knight of Wands

Are you ready to slay the Fall? I think you are. This next cycle is inviting you into your natural magnetism in a major way. And the thing about magnetism is that it can’t be faked, it can’t be performed. You can’t act charismatically, you can’t produce it. Rather, you have to allow your own natural essence to flow forth. No forcing and no holding back. The Knight of Wands is a mover of energy, his own and others. When you are in flow you will inspire others to find their own natural rhythms as well.

You have to keep energy moving this moonth. That doesn’t mean you can’t get quiet and still. You totally can. But if things start feeling stagnant, start moving. Don’t let your emotions get bottled up. If you are feeling inspired start creating. This is not a time for carefully measured action. This is the time to blow shit up with your own volcanic creativity and sexualty.

I keep talking about you. Your charisma. Your magnetism. Your passion and energy. But let’s be real. It’s not yours. It’s just moving through you. It’s important to stay connected to the source of your magic. We are vessels. We are channels. The more open we can remain, the more energy the universe can move through us. Don’t forget to keep plugged in to the electrical outlet of spirit or you may find yourself frazzled, burnt out or fried by the end of this next chapter.

***Schedule your own one-on-one with Brandon here and follow him on Instagram @thebrandonalter and on Twitter @thebrandonalter.***

GEMINI

Two of Pentacles

I was listening to a really great Oprah podcast the other day. Because right below Sex and the City, Oprah is another one of my spiritual teachers. And she was interviewing one of America’s leading theologians, the Rev. Barbara Brown Taylor. Now I don’t know about religion, but I do know that this bitch had some serious wisdom to drop. And one little nugget I want to share with you is this: she said that your life purpose is like a sailboat, every morning you have to wake up and check in with the wind. You can’t just power ahead, you must reconfigure your sails and your senses to stay in line with where the wind is blowing. And that, sweet baby, is your mission this moonth.

Two of Pentacles is all about change and balance. And each day you’re going to have to take stock of where you are out of balance and what needs to change to bring you back into harmony. This is a brand new journey you’ve undertaken so it’s only natural that there is a learning curve. What worked yesterday may not work today. The morning ritual you so diligently structured for yourself may need to be thrown out the door on Thursday and picked back up on Friday.

I think of this card as a gentle companion to the Death card. You are changing. You are shedding skins. Don’t hold on, let go. The most important thing is to keep feeling the direction that the wind is blowing. Keep weighing your options against that wind. If a job, a relationship, a habit, a thought pattern, is keeping you from that wind of grace, give yourself the gift of releasing it to the sea.

***Schedule your own one-on-one with Brandon here and follow him on Instagram @thebrandonalter and on Twitter @thebrandonalter.***

CANCER

Two of Swords

The Two of Swords, at its core, is an invitation into stillness and contemplation. If there were a meditation card in the deck, this is it. Because what we’re working with here is two equal forces in direct opposition. Do we choose this or that? Him or her? Yes or no? The truth is neither is correct. Sometimes the correct choice is no choice. And that is where this moonth has you cornered.

When we give ourselves permission to simply be, we allow a deeper experience of our lives to emerge. Meditation isn’t about turning away from reality it’s about sinking into it. In my opinion, meditation allows us to experience reality without our prejudices and judgements. It purifies our mind so we can be reached by life.

Life is trying to reach you, deeply, purely, profoundly. But you’ll have to set aside all your ideas of right or wrong, good or bad, in order to be reached. Take lots of time to tune in to your deeper self this cycle. If you must make a move, try to do so from a place of quiet and calm. The mind is like the surface of the ocean. There are always currents, undertows pulling you in, waves crashing on the shore. But if you can sink beneath all that movement to the depths of the ocean floor, you will find the peace you’ve been yearning for.

***Schedule your own one-on-one with Brandon here and follow him on Instagram @thebrandonalter and on Twitter @thebrandonalter.***

LEO

The Sun

Leo’s are governed by the Sun, they are the only sign in the Zodiac that get to call our closest star their ruling planet. After two months of back to back struggle, I’m happy to report that all your hard work is paying off and you are finally in the clear. Can you feel it? The Sun is an invitation to stand in your power, to receive all the warmth and nourishment that you rightfully deserve. And since a Leo’s natural habitat is in the spotlight anyway, I know this won’t be a challenge for you.

The Sun is a return to joy. It invites us into simple pleasures and allows us to relish all the delights of being alive. We can think of this card as a gateway to our crown chakra. You are being asked to reconnect to your own divinity in a major way. In the same manner that all natural things on this planet need sunlight to grow and thrive, start to consider the source of your own power.

Pulling the Sun doesn’t mean that there won’t be any challenges up ahead, but with Sun energy overhead we are sure to succeed at whatever we put our mind too. Look forwards to an abundance of light and warmth. And if you can share those healing rays with others I’m sure your own radiance with only continue to increase.

***Schedule your own one-on-one with Brandon here and follow him on Instagram @thebrandonalter and on Twitter @thebrandonalter.***

BRANDON ALTER is a queer healer, teacher and writer living in Los Angeles.  He is passionate about sharing spiritual tools that actually work and helping others reconnect to the wisdom of their hearts.

Brandon’s mom took him to his very first psychic when he was seven and bought him his first Tarot deck when he was eleven.

Since then he as devoted himself to the study of Tarot, Yoga, Pilates, Reiki, Astrology and Shamanic Skills.  Above all, he believes that a spiritual life should be FUN; if trauma hurts like hell (and it does), healing should be a pleasure to experience and behold.

Visit www.brandonalterwellness.com to learn more. And to sign up for his twice-monthly newsletter, click here.