LGBTQ+ people deserve to come out to their family members when they’re ready, so it’s understandably nerve-racking when a loved one tries to rush the timeline. Take the Reddit user, for example, who feels like his mom is “forcing [him] to come out.”
This 18-year-old writes that he came out to his mom about two years ago and that she has talked to him about his sexuality a few times since but “that was pretty much the end of it.”
“I was fine not really talking about it with her,” he adds. “I’m fairly comfortable with my sexuality but it made me anxious with her for whatever reason and I’d avoid bringing it up at all.”
About a month ago, however, this teen’s mom started pressuring him to come out to his father, and that prospect gives him pause. “My dad’s pretty openly homophobic,” the teen continues. “He makes comments all the time, and I’ve heard him on the phone with some of his bigoted friends. And I know he’s a big softie, but he still scares me sometimes. (He grew up in eastern EU and has a thick accent, gets super loud, frets about really trivial shit constantly.)”
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Related: Father wonders if he’s under-reacting to his son’s coming out
The mom, for her part, believes the dad will always love his son. “And I do believe that,” the Redditor adds. “I’m just not comfortable coming out to him while I’m still living with them. I don’t think he’d do anything crazy, but I’m not super about it. … She went on about how, ‘Oh, well, you’ll be at university next year, and we want to be a part of your life. If you get into a relationship, are you just going to cut us off from that part of your life?’ And it’s been making me feel a lot of guilt — like, if I don’t come out and be open about who I’m dating, then it’s because I’m disrespecting them or something.”
So now this guy is turning to the users of r/askgaybros for advice. “Has it been long enough that I should just rip off the Band-Aid and tell him?” he writes. “I’m not sure if I’m worrying over nothing, or if my feelings are justified. Would it really be disrespectful to not let him in on who I really am? Even if it doesn’t change much from the me he already knows, I don’t think that’s how he’ll feel. I feel like he’s gonna feel a lot of shame for the family and that my life is a sham.”
Related: Coming out to your parents can be tough, but what about coming out to your kids?
As of the time of this writing, only one user has commented on the post, but that sole comment bore sage advice. “I’d say try to explain your discomfort to her, and that you just want to wait until you’re not living together, and emphasize that you don’t want to cut them out of your life at any point,” the commenter wrote. “It sounds like your mom is really great and wants the best for you but doesn’t fully understand what you’re dealing with and how you’re feeling. Do your best to explain it to her.”
What advice would you share with this guy as he works toward living his authentic life? Sound off in the comment section below.
Jake123
I Empathise and Sympathise with both the boy and his mother. There is no easy solution to this. However we do hear about parents who completely change their opinion on LGBT people when one is revealed in their family so you never know about the dad. At the end of the day though it’s the boys feelings which truly matter and if he’s not ready, he’s not ready. I do think it’s a good thing he’s thinking about it and perhaps is preparing himself for the conversation.
Goforit
I suspect that mom and dad have all ready talked about the subject. Beyond that though, not talking to your dad is Not disrespecting him. It IS disrespecting yourself. You are denying yourself the right to live as the person you really are. Living a lie is far more damaging to you and to your relationship with your parents.
Aromaeus
If the mom already told the dad and he’s still continuing to make homophobic jokes in his presence that shows he doesn’t really care about the environment he’s fostering for his son. It would also be a breach of trust by his mom so I hope that’s not the case.
Cam
If this story is true then the mother has already told the father and knows it is ok to tell him.
Mack
I was thinking the same thing. When one parent is told months or even a year before, somehow in that time period the other parent is told. Maybe by accident, maybe on purpose but they’ve been told.
Mattster
Is this person still living at home? Depending on parents for support, shelter, etc? Coming out is great, necessary for long-term well being, even, But safety first. If homelessness is a serious possibility I would say wait. Think of your basic safety first.
Leo
Absolutely agree.
Ronbo
Homophobic hate is the only bigotry that separates a child from his parents and family. I’ve never heard of a Hispanic, Black or Asian child being rejected by his/her parents for being Hispanic, Black or Asian.
Homophobic hate is the most cruel.
Kevan1
@Rhondo. You are wrong other groups Hispanic, Asian, Black, Muslim and other ethnicities do reject there children for being gay. Some are even murdered by their own families for being gay.
MichaelannD
I think it was unwise for him to only come out to one parent. He may sense that she is hiding something from him, or she may simply feel guilty. But I agree that she should not be pressuring him to do it before he feels ready.
GayEGO
I came out to my family in 1991 when I was 50. I expected they knew I was gay since I had lived with my partner since 1962 and introduced him as my roommate when I was still in the Navy. We were together for 57 years, married 15 years in Massachusetts. My husband passed away last year at the age of 88, I miss him dearly!
sillyme
I know from personal experience that when you tell one parent that same parent tells the other whether or not they are still married or divorced it’s still the same deal the line of communication is always open and the 2nd parent always finds out from the other and it will turn out as it will but he’s pushing his dad away for no reason even if he isn’t seeing it himself. He needs to tell his dad and I hope he will have his mom nearby to help with it just in case.
James Oldman
Not being there makes it difficult to truly understand the situation.
My thoughts are there has been some communication between the parents already. The son would be putting a strain on the parents relationship if there hasn’t been communication between his parents. Personally I could not have done that. Secrets between partners is dangerous. And he could be ruining his own relationship with his dad to the point it may not be repairable.
Even after you come out and both parents accept you with open arms don’t expect your dad to quit making his homophobic comments. It takes time for people to change.
Have a acquaintance that didn’t like gays and was very vocal about it. Few years back he went to his grandsons wedding and never talked much about it or show pictures of his favourite grandsons wedding. Kept seeing the pictures of him but gradually he came around and finally admitted he had married his boyhood friend that use to come and stay with them for a few weeks every summer. Moral of the story is don’t expect your dad to change overnight. It takes time. He’ll still love you and be proud of you and the homophobic remarks will end in time. Just don’t expect him to get up the next morning and have made that 180 turn.
Aires the Ram
I agree James Oldman. You offer very sage advice. The only “BUT” I can see in this matter, is that if 1. he risks being homeless, and 2. if he risks his college tuition being yanked off the table by his father. If either of those situations are even a REMOTE possibility, then I say don’t tell father, get through 4 years of college with degree in hand, then, when living on your own, away from direct control of your father, then tell all. For this kid at this vulnerable age, it’s a real toss up, that you wouldn’t want to see go the wrong way.
Kevan1
I also agree with James Oldman.