Everyone comes out in their own good time, right? The accepted protocol is that it’s up to the individual concerned when they choose to disclose the information.
However, a recent posting on Reddit, by a woman about her 19-year-old gay cousin, has prompted some to question this assertion.
The 22-year-old woman explains that her grandpa is near the end of his life, with maybe just a week left to go. He has multiple organ failures and dementia. She wrote on Reddit’s popular AITA [Am I The A**hole] thread, where people turn to ask the internet if they’re being unreasonable.
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The woman says her gay cousin “wasn’t particularly close to grandad despite living in the same house – their relationship was mostly him asking grandad for money or to drive him places. Grandad often expressed how he wished they were closer but H didn’t really care.
“H has now come to realise that there won’t be a chance to build a relationship with grandad in the future. So he wants to ‘come out’ to grandad. The reality is, despite coming from a ‘traditional Asian’ background, it was always clear to everyone that H was queer. It was never something he had to come out about.
Grandpa has dementia and is near the end of his life
“Grandad is delirious, confused and having hallucinations during his few wake periods,” she continued.
“He doesn’t recognize most of the family and even then only for a handful of minutes. H’s parents, my parents and my other uncle all told him that this is not the time to stress grandad out by forcing a confrontation when he doesn’t even know H anymore.
“H is furious and asked me to intervene. I refused because I do agree. Grandad didn’t even know the language H wants to use when he was well, but now he doesn’t even know H. All a confrontation would do is be stressful and painful for both of them.
“H has accused me, and the elders, of being homophobic and said we are robbing him of precious moments.”
The woman says she is bisexual, but when she told her cousin, he replied that “it doesn’t count because I’m with a man (my now husband). I think he wants to make grandad’s end of life about himself. It’s not the first time he’s done stuff like this.”
“He feels we are homophobic pieces of cr*p. Honestly, it’s such a painful time I don’t know who is in the right, so AITA?”
Readers respond to coming out dilemma
Hmmmmm…. We can imagine how his grandpa’s impending end of life could prompt someone to have a ‘now or never’ conversation. But given the grandfather’s state of mind, is it worth it?
The responses from most people seemed to think it was not. Many, besides offering condolences, assured the poster she was not being unreasonable by not standing with her gay cousin.
“There is a time and place and unfortunately your cousin missed his chance,” said one. “Your grandfather is dying and confused. This is not the time for your cousin to come out because he regrets it. Cause your grandfather isn’t even cognitively there to understand. This is not ‘homophobia’; this is you and your family trying to help your grandfather pass peacefully. Big difference. This is about your grandfather and not your cousin.”
“He clearly just wants the attention, and it has nothing to do with anyone or anything outside of what seems to be a nearly sociopathic need to be the most important person in the situation from H,” said another.
One person said it was too late for any ‘coming out’ to impact the teen’s relationship with their grandpa.
“Ultimately, coming out now reads as something done only for his own sake–and while that might be a very valuable thing to him, to come out to his granddad before he died, functionally it’s too late to do anything for their relationship, and it’d really be for his peace of mind. But, I don’t think it’s worth it given the context.”
Bi-erasure
Many picked up on the gay teen’s attitude toward his bisexual cousin.
“I hate that so much. My cousin came out as bi and she’s getting married to her gf soon. When I congratulated her and welcomed her to the club, another cousin told me I don’t count as bi ’cause I’m with a man,” said another bisexual woman.
“Your cousin sounds like an AH,” agreed another. “Like he wants to throw the homophobic rhetoric at the first sign of disagreement towards his actions but he has absolutely no qualms belittling other forms of sexuality just because what? His current situation and orientation is superior because it’s further down the spectrum?”
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One respondent was a trans man who’d been through a similar experience with a dying relative.
“I’m a transguy that helped care for my Abuela in her last years of life. I never told her and I honestly didn’t come out until she was gone because of reasons that didn’t have anything to do with her but also because she had serious dementia. There’s no reason to freak her out or confuse her. She even forgot English at the end, I’m not going to make this harder for her and for myself. It just wasn’t about me.”
What do you think?
abfab
I mean, like, we are used to reading stupid stories here but this one takes the cake.
FreddieW
No, don’t tell that to a dying relative. And sometimes, not even to a relative who isn’t dying. Contrary to what some people think, it isn’t the most important piece of information in the world.
My mom was the 3rd person I told, almost 20 years ago. I’ve never explicitly told my father I’m gay and never will. He’s 80 and has figured it out, but we don’t talk about it. He’s a conservative Christian, and I don’t want to deal with his questions or guilt about whether it was his “fault” or not that I’m gay, Life has enough drama without seeking it out, in my opinion.
skyreader
The young man is seriously narcissistic to the point that even his granddad’s impending death is all about him. No, lad, Granddad, with whom you didn’t bother to get to know when you had the chance except to ask for money and a ride, does not need to take in your sexuality at this point even if he could understand it. What you need to do is grow up and listen to wiser people around you.
johncp56
WTF I remember i came out early 14-16 my dad said do not tell your grandmother, I did not but she most had some idea, and thie story is lame the grandfather is near death and incoherent WTF
Joshua333
I always say if your homophobic relative is near death then come out to them as gay even if you aren’t because killing homophobic people with gayness is right thing to do.
Doug
The woman’s cousin definitely sounds very selfish and self-focused. From her description of her grandfather’s state of mind, it sounds like even if her cousin did come out to him, the grandfather probably either wouldn’t be oriented enough to really understand what he was hearing or probably wouldn’t even care either way.
scotty
one should always speak the truth; but not every truth should be spoken.
Jim
The answer is clear.
If you love your self more then your grandfather come out.
James Oldman
I don’t know why the question was raised. Let the boy have some time with his grandfather privately. What the two of them discuss in a private conversation is between them.
From my perspective it comes across to me the woman is a little bit of a s _ _ _ disturber. We are only hearing her side of the story and her remarks on how the rest of the family feels.
Her comment that the boy only talked to the granddad when he wanted money or a ride reeks of jealousy. Could it be as she pointed out the boy was obviously gay that the grandfather knew and accepted him as he was?
So I see this story differently. I see a person who wants to come across as caring for a grandfather that she probably spent little time with and wants to put down a cousin that lived with the grandfather, spent personal time in a car with him and if the story is true the kid wants to tell his grandfather, Yes we both know it and have talked about it but I want to officially gramps I am gay, thank you for your years of support.
dbmcvey
I think the kid should just do what he feels is right without involving the family.
Consider This
Tell Grandpa at the funeral – not before.
When someone is dying, it is about them, not you.
jerry2435
I would suspect grandpa wouldn’t understand or if he could even respond and if he did respond I wouldn’t think grandpa could speak in a coherent matter. Go for it!!!
Night
All I hear is the concerns of ‘confrontation’. I agree, if they believe coming out is a confrontation, then yes; they are homophobic.
As a society, we somehow get it into our head’s to protect our elders from information, which is treating them like children and disrespectful. At that age, the grandfather has lived longer and experienced more than anyone else if the family. Respect him as such and maybe he can be less senile around that family. Both the grandfather and the grandson have been wanting an opportunity to bond. Go with that.
If it goes wonky, so what? A moment of upset. If he really has dementia that concerning, he can be easily distracted. To me, that would be worth the risk. And coming is is not inherently a confrontation, that is what the family is bringing to it.
JeffBaker
Coming out, or telling the grandfather anything, would do no good at this time. My suggestion is (unless the grandson is a total prick!) that he wait and then go to Graddad’s grave and spill his guts. Sometimes the dead have been known to linger…
Shaugn
If you feel that you need to tell grandpa, tell him. Just make sure he knows you love him.