what to do?

Teen wants to come out to his grandpa but internet tells him not to bother

A young man shouting
Posed by model (Photo: Shutterstock)

Everyone comes out in their own good time, right? The accepted protocol is that it’s up to the individual concerned when they choose to disclose the information.

However, a recent posting on Reddit, by a woman about her 19-year-old gay cousin, has prompted some to question this assertion.

The 22-year-old woman explains that her grandpa is near the end of his life, with maybe just a week left to go. He has multiple organ failures and dementia. She wrote on Reddit’s popular AITA [Am I The A**hole] thread, where people turn to ask the internet if they’re being unreasonable.

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The woman says her gay cousin “wasn’t particularly close to grandad despite living in the same house – their relationship was mostly him asking grandad for money or to drive him places. Grandad often expressed how he wished they were closer but H didn’t really care.

“H has now come to realise that there won’t be a chance to build a relationship with grandad in the future. So he wants to ‘come out’ to grandad. The reality is, despite coming from a ‘traditional Asian’ background, it was always clear to everyone that H was queer. It was never something he had to come out about.

Grandpa has dementia and is near the end of his life

“Grandad is delirious, confused and having hallucinations during his few wake periods,” she continued.

“He doesn’t recognize most of the family and even then only for a handful of minutes. H’s parents, my parents and my other uncle all told him that this is not the time to stress grandad out by forcing a confrontation when he doesn’t even know H anymore.

“H is furious and asked me to intervene. I refused because I do agree. Grandad didn’t even know the language H wants to use when he was well, but now he doesn’t even know H. All a confrontation would do is be stressful and painful for both of them.

“H has accused me, and the elders, of being homophobic and said we are robbing him of precious moments.”

The woman says she is bisexual, but when she told her cousin, he replied that “it doesn’t count because I’m with a man (my now husband). I think he wants to make grandad’s end of life about himself. It’s not the first time he’s done stuff like this.”

“He feels we are homophobic pieces of cr*p. Honestly, it’s such a painful time I don’t know who is in the right, so AITA?”

Readers respond to coming out dilemma

Hmmmmm…. We can imagine how his grandpa’s impending end of life could prompt someone to have a ‘now or never’ conversation. But given the grandfather’s state of mind, is it worth it?

The responses from most people seemed to think it was not. Many, besides offering condolences, assured the poster she was not being unreasonable by not standing with her gay cousin.

“There is a time and place and unfortunately your cousin missed his chance,” said one. “Your grandfather is dying and confused. This is not the time for your cousin to come out because he regrets it. Cause your grandfather isn’t even cognitively there to understand. This is not ‘homophobia’; this is you and your family trying to help your grandfather pass peacefully. Big difference. This is about your grandfather and not your cousin.”

“He clearly just wants the attention, and it has nothing to do with anyone or anything outside of what seems to be a nearly sociopathic need to be the most important person in the situation from H,” said another.

One person said it was too late for any ‘coming out’ to impact the teen’s relationship with their grandpa.

“Ultimately, coming out now reads as something done only for his own sake–and while that might be a very valuable thing to him, to come out to his granddad before he died, functionally it’s too late to do anything for their relationship, and it’d really be for his peace of mind. But, I don’t think it’s worth it given the context.”

Bi-erasure

Many picked up on the gay teen’s attitude toward his bisexual cousin.

“I hate that so much. My cousin came out as bi and she’s getting married to her gf soon. When I congratulated her and welcomed her to the club, another cousin told me I don’t count as bi ’cause I’m with a man,” said another bisexual woman.

“Your cousin sounds like an AH,” agreed another. “Like he wants to throw the homophobic rhetoric at the first sign of disagreement towards his actions but he has absolutely no qualms belittling other forms of sexuality just because what? His current situation and orientation is superior because it’s further down the spectrum?”

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One respondent was a trans man who’d been through a similar experience with a dying relative.

“I’m a transguy that helped care for my Abuela in her last years of life. I never told her and I honestly didn’t come out until she was gone because of reasons that didn’t have anything to do with her but also because she had serious dementia. There’s no reason to freak her out or confuse her. She even forgot English at the end, I’m not going to make this harder for her and for myself. It just wasn’t about me.”

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