Is it time to add the letter “A” to LGBTQ? Because a new sexual class keeping making its way out of the closet: the asexuals.
Men and women who simply have zero interest in sticking phallic objects into orifices are here, and they aren’t queer — well, not always, ’cause plenty of asexuals still have romantic relationships. Just no sex.
They’re not looking for “special rights,” just “respect in a sex-obsessed culture,” notes the SF Chronicle. They’re talking to you, Abercrombie & Fitch marketing department.
But men and women who have no sexual desire do have an umbrella organization, as all demographics do. It’s called the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, founded nine years ago by 27-year-old grad student David Jay, which as far as we can tell is not a dating service. (Speaking of: Anyone know a decent asexual hook-up dating site?) You might know Jay from when Tucker Carlson made fun of him on MSNBC, or when the New York Times covered this trend four years ago.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
With the mainstreaming of a whole new sexual identity — namely, a group of people who, you could argue, have none — it’s time to play the “Who has it the hardest in life?” game.
When it comes to LGBTs, we’d argue gays and lesbians get off the easiest (“mainstream” society is starting to accept them!), followed by bisexuals (some still consider them a joke!) and then transgender folks (when you’re most often referred to as a “shemale,” you can imagine the stigmatization).
Where would you put the “As”? Especially when you’ve got folks like Johns Hopkins University’s director of the Center for Sexual Health and Medicine, Dr. Leonard R. Derogatis, saying things like: “Sex is a natural drive, as natural as the drive for sustenance and water to survive. It’s a little difficult to judge these folks as normal.”
Cam
How exactly are asexuals discriminated against? (And before any angry asexuals start calling me names, this is a legit question) I mean gays and lesbians can have problems at work with pictures of our partners, walking down the street holding hands, etc… If you just aren’t interested in sex, I’m not sure how that ends up cauing you major problem in the outside world other than pissed off suitors. Somebody please enlighten. 🙂
Peter
The sexual drive is natural; for most people.
As for sustenance; then explain bolemics (sp) to me.
Fitz
@Peter: The sexual drive is also heterosexual for most people. that doesn’t mean that I feel disordered.
SuperCat
I don’t know how “persecuted” they are. Since one rarely hears of violence against them. They are generally misunderstood.
Plus many conservative religions praise celibacy. But I can see them being hypocritical by claiming it isn’t normal despite that fact.
Though not all asexuals are celibate, sure many don’t have sex, but a some go through with it for their partner. Many say they can still have non-sexual romantic feelings for others, and feel the need for partnership. There are gay-asexuals and straight-asexuals as well as many who don’t want any sort of romantic relationship at all.
Fitz
This poll is awful. Are we really in a competition for ‘Queen for a day’. oh oh.. I have it worse than you, and you have it worse than vim. Come on. Dogmatic expectations about gender, sexuality, and race, and body type, etc. are the real enemy. Not each other. I love all you fellow freaks.
Jake
Well Asexuals must have it fairly hard when a queer site like this is even making fun of them…. I’ve got a sense of humour but a little solidarity for those with “alternative lifestyles” or maybe just “alternative lives” goes a long way.
Kid A
*facepalm
BernardVanBuren
every “asexual” person i’ve met has been traumatized in some way to make them that way. they are afraid of sex, not merely disinterested in it. i don’t think it should be an addendum to LGBTQ mouth-full that it already is.
Symonds
Man, never heard THAT one before. Not like fundies pull that one out of their ass every chance they get when they’re talking about gays, with about as much justification as you do.
Erick
I dont think choosing not have sex, for whatever reason, constitutes a sexual identity. Because at the end of the day, they are making a choice not to engage in sexual behavior.
Dennis
There’s already a commomly used ‘A’ at the end of LGBTQA, and it stands for ‘allies’…people of all orientations/identities (though commonly straight), who are actively involved in supporting our cause(s), and/or who consider themselves ‘queer’ in solidarity with the LGBT movement.
I support Asexuals in having respect, tolerance and whatever else they desire, but in no way do they face the level of discrimination aimed at LGBT’s.
Is the term ‘celibate’ now un-PC?
allstarecho
This is where my personal activism draws the line. LGB is enough, T is a stretch but Asexual is a no-go for me. Get your own rights fashion trend.
gsh
There’s only so many letters in the alphabet so do us a favour and stop adding one every six months, will you? After Q for “Queer” and I for “intersexual”, now we have A for “asexuals”?
Enough already.
Fitz
I know it’s very fatiguing to include the whole mess of humanity, but do try to hang in there.
BernardVanBuren
in my experience, asexuality and later bisexuality were not permanent conditions.
Sceth
I’ve long referred to myself as asexual. On the other hand, I have low testosterone, although I’m a teenager. Go figure.
There’s no discrimination against asexuals whatsoever. We don’t automatically think everyone’s “in the game” so there’s nothing particular about asexuals that anybody subjugates.
Siggy
I am asexual, and I would immediately answer the question in the title with “No, no they don’t”. There’s hardly any discrimination at all. It’s not a competition you know.
The worst I’ve seen is in ignorant internet comments denying the existence of asexuals, or saying that they’re all just repressed, sick, puritanical, or something like that (eg see some above comments). And let’s face it, ignorant internet comments hardly constitute discrimination. But they’re still worth opposing.
Also, under most circumstances, I think it is unnecessary to add an “A” to the end of LGBT, unless you were going to add in the whole list of other sexual minorities too.
Russell
WOO! I win persecution!
This is a ridiculous poll. Sure there’s some social stigma, maybe from your parents, to not getting married/partnered, but not violence, not derogatory words, not hateful language. Didn’t we learn anything from the 80’s children’s computer thriller “War Games”? The only winning move is not to play.
Kid A
@BernardVanBuren: Sadly for you, idiocy is.
extrabatteries
i think we should start dropping letters, not adding them. for starts, lets drop the Q, then combine the G and L to G, since gay denotes both men and women already, the T is also toe-ing the line since it has to do with minority status regarding gender and not sexual orientation, since the T’s can be straight/gay/lesbian/bisexual, they can be included already.
but back to the point, what rights are asexuals actually refused, since the usage of LGBT is a political word. and further, ask any asexual, they still have a sexual orientation, and therefor would already be ‘covered’ by another group….
Cam
@Siggy: Thanks for the info. I honestly couldn’t see where the persecution came in either so your post was great.
BernardVanBuren
@extrabatteries: you’re going about it the wrong way. if you’re going to unify letters, the defining letter should clearly be Q. Everything LGBT can fall under the umbrella of Queer.
Jeff
Hey folks. Check out the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) at asexuality.org. They have some great information and resources about asexuality and the asexual community.
sam
I hear they make really good furniture.
Byggvir
The biggest problem asexuals have seems to be with assholes on the internet, and then with people that try to delegitimize the orientation by claiming we’re damaged (by the way, does that accusation sound familiar to any gays? How soon you forget..).
Funny that so much of that grief comes from gay and queer websites.
By the way, what makes Queerty think that we’re not “queer”? For most of the AVEN people “queer” was sort of the fall-back position once the LGBT community made it clear that we weren’t going to gain entrance into the sacred confines of The Acronym.
Byggvir
I should add that the premise of the article and the headline are both moronic.
Cam
@Byggvir: you said “The biggest problem asexuals have seems to be with assholes on the internet, and then with people that try to delegitimize the orientation by claiming we’re damaged (by the way, does that accusation sound familiar to any gays? How soon you forget..).”
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But see, thats where the confusion is. Is it an orientation or just a medical or psychological lack of sexual desire. There is no need to go on the attack here, and please stop playing the part of the victim here. Some of us have had to fight off groups of people jumping us just for holding our boyfriends hand in public and you’re freaking out because people on the internet don’t “get” you?? Come on.
Byggvir
Not freaking out. We all know that the magnitude of challenges facing the two groups is incomparable. Discrimination against gays doesn’t have anything to do with asexuals, so there doesn’t need to be a compare and contrast every time it comes up; bringing it up just makes people grumpy, and causes everyone to get defensive. It doesn’t need to be a competition for most oppressed, which is why this post was exceptionally stupid.
As to it being a “medical or psychological” issue, neither I nor any other asexual has any means of convincing you otherwise if you wish to take that stance. Every time someone posits that, say, “You must have been abused as a child,” asexuals are being asked to prove a negative.
Emily
This is really, really pathetic. I can’t believe we’ve got people suggesting we should marginalize further some of the most vulnerable groups in our community (and we are, whether you realize it or not), just because they can’t handle extra letters on an acronym!
Shame on you. Shame on you all. And most of all, shame on the editors at Queerty for encouraging this blatant hatred.
Cam
@Emily: you said “This is really, really pathetic. I can’t believe we’ve got people suggesting we should marginalize further some of the most vulnerable groups in our community (and we are, whether you realize it or not), just because they can’t handle extra letters on an acronym!
Shame on you. Shame on you all. And most of all, shame on the editors at Queerty for encouraging this blatant hatred.”
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Your knee jerk reaction is pathetic and proves that you are more interested in being loud than in actually reading. The headline of the article was “Do Asexuals have it harder than GLBT’s” Please explain in what way this was insulting.
As for BYGGVR you said “”As to it being a “medical or psychological” issue, neither I nor any other asexual has any means of convincing you otherwise if you wish to take that stance. Every time someone posits that, say, “You must have been abused as a child,” asexuals are being asked to prove a negative.”
I’m not asking anybody to convince, if you looked at my previous post, I was saying that I did not know much about the issue. So again, you could have answered the question, but instead got defensive. You absolutly have a way of convincing people, by explaining…..you know, exactly the way gays, lesbians, bi’s and trans people have been explaining for the last 4 or 5 decades.
unimac
I imagine, finally, that if it could be imagined, it has been done, it is being done or it will be done again. The only reaction to everything is nothing, ot perhaps it is the other way around?
fitz
There are plenty of fags who have been told that they just need to meet the right person, or get over their childhoods, or just TRY.. damnit.. TRY to fuck a chick. Can’t we just deal with the fact that people have different needs? Talk about introjecting the oppressor!
sydneyfamous
I think that we should add an A!
Also, I refuse to give my opinion on who is the most discriminated against, because I believe that all of them are discriminated against equally…
cbhaggy
I’m a gay guy who really only cares about the G. I don’t really pretend to understand what the other letters go through, nor do I really care about their issues beyond supporting their rights to just be who they want to be and do what they want with their lives. But I’m really only going to go up to bat for other Gs. I know that’s like the equivalent of being the second coming of Hitler on this site, and that sexuality has become so fluid that I could supposedly wake up a lesbian transgendered asexual panda bear tomorrow and everyone would have to accept it for fear of being accused of bigotry, but that’s just how I feel. Thanks!
scotslad
oh dearie dearie me – the comments on this site (not just on this post) kinda explain where ‘asexual’, i believe, stems from – gay’s (inclusive of L G B & T) are divisive: too hairy, too skinny, does steroids, anorexic, butterface, the whole tatt or not to tatt debate. yawn.
it’s repeated throughout netland on many a site where ‘models’ are to be ‘worshipped’ but mostly for the click counts (sponsorship) from *cough* “individuals” who cannot remotely pass by wifi without checking their facebook, manhunt, dudesnude, gaydar (etc.) profile, to see who’s looked or to update their pics in competition with some… idea… of…
gay (in all it’s connotations) – mainstream – it’s a market, it’s a ‘scene’, it’s ‘acceptable’ – it’s money & it’s entertainment. in any ‘reality’ show the gay or bisexual or transexual is newsworthy… is it newsworthy to be straight? (only if they flirt with the gay/bi/trannie… or have dreamwanks in the toilet)
‘gay’ (in all it’s connotations) is kinda the last reserve for much of the online media – the who is, who isn’t, those who we want to be & those who we slag because they might be. Let’s face it, everyone is ‘bi’ these days.
again yawn.
men & women fought to be accepted by society. acceptance is a relatively ‘modern’ thing… hmmm, no marriage rights (even civil?) in the US & increasing evidence that there are death squads in Iraq persecuting the ‘puppies’?
so, officially i am asexual because i feel shamed that there’s more acceptance simply ’cause it’s ‘news’ – when it’s frankly PR. That politically, gay (in all it’s connotations) is at it’s weakest.
some gay (in all it’s connotations) sites do report the difficulties/atrocities encountered by individuals in this world but i guess that’s too ‘gay’ for some to seek out.
i like that in the UK, quite a few are shaving heads & growing beards – identikit homo. without the tan & hair straighteners.
Chances Are
Hmm, I wonder if they still dream about sex? Doesn’t desire spill over into that magical realm?
cr8nguy
@BernardVanBuren: Amen! When i was in college (graduated in 2001 so i’m OLD!! haha) it was LGBT. Now there’s all these other letters. let’s just go with Q….way easier.
Jesse
I have a friend whose Asexual, I didn’t even know until he corrected me “No that’s the other Nick that has a girlfriend now, I’m Asexual.” in the same way that I would correct somebody “No I’m not looking for a girlfriend, I’m gay.”.
HOWEVER, the GLBTQ umbrella is already HUGE, not only does it cover Bisexuals, Homosexuals, Polysexuals, and Pan-sexuals, It also covers Transgendered people and inter-sexed people!
But all these things have one thing in common, when they have sex or get in a relationship, it has a chance of it involving two people of the same sex or two people who can’t be described as “a man and a woman”.
Asexual’s might still have romantic relationships, but they don’t seek it out.
There is no religion that has a belief that it’s a sin to NOT have sex(Most promote it), there are never any hate crimes against “One of those celibate bastards!” as far as I know.
When the basis of why people hate gays it’s because we DO have relationships with the same sex, when somebody has no relationships at all it doesn’t seem to fit in.
Just because it’s a different sexual identity doesn’t mean it’s GLBTQ.
I mean, the Q stands for Queer doesn’t it? that’s a pretty big umbrella, Queer means different or strange so that can be ANYBODY, if we do decide to include Asexuals under the GLBTQ umbrella, we don’t need to add an A, Q already catches everything.
MoHoTo
Days later… I read the comments. Only a few had the sweet bitter fruity edge that this question deserves. In my experience, there are two, count em, two, classes of asexuals: 1st, people who are for whatever reason unable or unwilling to exlore the out reaches of someone else’s libido. Let’s call them the “second most ideal porn customer.” 2nd, those who have had so much down & dirty, smelly hot mess sex in their lives that now the idea of a perfect martini, good conversation and great porn is all they need, because they’ve had it all. Over and over and over and over. Let’s call them “Falcon lifetime premier platinum.”
Ryan
Your poll asking who is discriminated against the most is wildly inappropriate and just perpetuates an Oppression Olympics.
No one wins when we fight over who has it worst.
Kropotkin
Wow, this post is beyond offensive. Who’s the most oppressed? Doesn’t sound like a competition I ever want to win.
DeAnimator
@Kropotkin: Agreed. Plus…asexuals are asexuals. What is the point of this post anyway? To show there are asexuals running around? Who cares? Everyone of almost every sexual persuasion has been running around since the dawn of time.
Time to get over it.
schlukitz
This is an issue?
Mira
Honestly, I don’t think it’s about who’s playing the game, here. I don’t think we’re even on the same playing field. I think maybe we’re asking the wrong questions. Are asexuals more discriminated against? Well, I don’t know every other asexual out there (nor every gay person out there), but I’d guess the answer to that black & white question is no, overall. I don’t hear about hate crimes, or laws being enforced to prevent asexuals from doing anything. That being said, it doesn’t mean that we have a grand ol’ time of it either.
Aces, as we sometimes call ourselves, can be disrespected for the simple fact that we just don’t feel the need or have any interest in sex. With celibacy, you feel you want to and you choose not to. There is a difference. We’re not asking to be catered to; just a simple nod and lack of snarky comments would suffice for me. I’ve had my share of strange looks, bewildered and confused reactions from people whom I’ve tried to explain my Ace-ness to. My mother is still mapping out the plan for me to bear her grandchildren after I find that “right guy”. Personally, I don’t care if it’s a guy, girl, trans, whatever, but I do feel the need for “romantic” human connection. Just don’t try to put Tab A to Slot B.
I’m all for Asexuals being acknowledged in some form other than a book on psychological disorders. It’s not wrong for us to feel the way we do, and we’re not doing anyone any harm. So why the hostility? I think the overall negative response we get from most people is what gets things out of hand. Now, should we be added onto LGBT? No. Not because we shouldn’t be respected or denied visibility, but because we don’t have any political (social, yes, but not political) grief. I vote for the human community. Where questions like this don’t matter, anymore. I support LGBT and anyone who is discriminated against, mildly or otherwise. It would be nice to have a community where we can gather together and support each other, no matter what. Oh, wait. “We” do. It’s AVEN. Hooray for our own acronym. *thumbs up*
Orianna
Just want to give a big Avenite thumbs up to Mira, I agree completely with that 🙂 Nicely said.
I’m not broken. I’m not repressed. I am what I am and I’m happy. Why shouldn’t there be asexuality? Pansexual- sexually attracted not based on physical sex, Bisexual- sexually attracted to both main sexes, Hetero/homosexual- sexually attracted to one sex, Asexual- sexually attracted to neither sex. I agree, we don’t get descriminated against, but I do wish the comments would be a little more welcoming. I’ve had people give me the “ah well, you haven’t found the right person yet” or “man… that must suck” when I’ve spoken of my asexuality. When I was 13, long before I discovered the term Asexual, I identified as a lesbian with no interest in sex. I knew inside of myself what I was, as many homosexuals do I’m sure, even though I didn’t know the name back then. I am homo-romantic- I think about being with a woman, but not sexually. If you don’t know what I mean- those of you reading this who are in relationships, you must feel something else towards your partners than just sex? Romantic asexuals desire romantic attraction- it is possible to have sex with someone without loving them and possible to be in love without wanting sex. That feeling where they make you smile just thinking about them, or how you miss them before they’ve even walked out the door… that’s not to do with sexual desire. Sex isn’t high on my list of relationship priorities- hell, it isn’t on the list at all, I’d rather do… well, practically anything, even watch paint dry. I can function without sex. I want to set up my own business, get a house, drive a car…
This is turning into an essay so I’ll leave it before I really overdo it… I just hope people can understand us, that’s all 🙂
Celia
I don’t want to answer that poll, because I don’t think it helps anyone to treat oppression like some kind of competition. In the meantime, I don’t know if asexuals have a harder or easier time of it than anyone else. All I know is that we should all give and recieve respect for our sexualities, and that this is surely what our activism is about. I do feel that some people are unfair to asexuals because they can’t comprehend what it is to have a nonexistent sex drive. I’m not sure if this counts as oppression. But I do think that, just as everyone has the right to (consensual) sex with anyone they please, they also have the right to refuse sex. I feel that people who say that lack of a sex drive is abnormal/unnatural and needs to be cured are the same kinds of people who would be saying, fifty years ago, that homosexuality is unnatural because our biology is set up in favour of heterosexual pairings.
Annwyl
I’m asexual, and we’re not discriminated against. That’s stupid. Obviously we’re not being denied any rights (unless we want to marry someone of the same sex, which some asexuals do, but for love and companionship rather than sex). We’re not being beaten up outside bars for our orientation, nor are we accosted at pride parades. I think it’s even silly for us to be included in the Almighty Acronym. While I identify with the community as a sexual minority (and have long identified as “queer”), asexuals don’t have the same political needs as everyone else.
The problem we face is not discrimination, it’s visibility. Being told that you don’t exist, or that the term you use for your orientation isn’t valid because you can’t reproduce by budding, is pretty annoying. But we do exist. I’ve never been sexually attracted to someone, never had a sexual dream, never felt any urge to engage in sexual activity. I’m 21 years old.
No history of abuse, no oppressive religious upbringing. Normal hormone levels. It’s just who I am, and I wish that people would acknowledge that it’s possible without asking me to prove that my uncle didn’t rape me as a child or something. The responses of Mira and Orianna are great in explaining something of what asexuality is about.
I would never deign to argue that we have it worse that other sexual minorities. I don’t like to compare oppressions, but it’s really no contest. But it would still be nice to be acknowledged once in a while and not treated as a joke.
detroitmak
@BernardVanBuren:
Sounds like the argument conservatives use against teh LGBT community.
Asexuality is a sexual orientation, as it describes individuals who do not experience sexual attraction. However one could be Gay and Asexual. I have a friend that is Gay and Asexual. He just does not like sex… or anything sexual with another person. Mind you he loves to jerk off whenever he can, just not with another person.
http://www.ace-book.net/ http://www.asexualitic.com/ aresites for asexuals
Cam
@detroitmak: You said “Asexuality is a sexual orientation, as it describes individuals who do not experience sexual attraction. However one could be Gay and Asexual. I have a friend that is Gay and Asexual. He just does not like sex… or anything sexual with another person. Mind you he loves to jerk off whenever he can, just not with another person.”
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But jerking off is an expression of sexual desire, as I understand it an asexual has no desire, if your friend loves jerking off and is attracted to other men, it sounds more like he is gay and celibate.
Andrew
Forgive me if already commented on, but is this silly organization a result of one of those Christian abstinence pledge things? i.e., is this part of David Jay’s background?
Interesting how he thinks it’s a departure from a “sex obsessed culture.” I’d argue that we (primarily the U.S.) are not a culture obsessed with sex, but rather obsessed with being obsessed about sex. I wish we’d just relax and enjoy human existence, including its myriad sexual dimensions, and not worry about fitting everything into neat little rules. Maybe if we did this, there’d be less sexual violence, better relationships/marriages, and less cultural neurosis about sexuality.
Jil
@Erick:
That’s not what asexuality means Erick. It means not being sexually attracted to anyone. It’s in no way like celibacy. Some asexuals have tried sex before.
Siggy
@Cam:
Being gay and asexual usually means they are only romantically attracted to the same sex. And this may surprise you, but most people like to identify themselves by their interactions with other people, rather than how often they jerk off. Imagine! Perhaps in a perfect world, romantic feelings would always match up with sexual feelings, and jerking off would always match up with a sexual desire towards other people. Damn people and their “complications”, eh?
@Andrew:
Christian abstinence pledges? I think they’re pretty silly. I’m a godless liberal. I agree, we should all relax all these silly prejudices, and figure out what we really want. But I think you’d find that people want different things!
Annwyl
@Andrew:
No, asexuality isn’t a Christian abstinence pledge thing. Asexuals come from a wide range of religious backgrounds, including nonreligious, agnostic, and/or atheist individuals. I personally am Catholic, but I was asexual long before I was Catholic (I became Catholic only a couple years ago). Some asexuals are abstinent, while others do engage in sex with their partners, usually as a form of compromise. I don’t know David Jay personally but I don’t believe that those organizations had anything to do with the formation of AVEN. AVEN, by the way, is not synonymous with asexuality, although it is by far the most popular online asexual community.
Also, one doesn’t really realize how sex-obsessed Western culture is unless one isn’t interested in sex at all. Imagine something you aren’t particularly interested in, like, say, bungee jumping. (I don’t know if you like bungee jumping, it’s just an example). Now imagine that bungee jumping appears in commercials to sell food or cars or cleaning products, that you see it on billboards, in television shows, that your friends are constantly talking about their last bungee jumping trip. Maybe you’ve been bungee jumping and maybe you haven’t, but if you’re not interested in it, it would get annoying after a while. To everyone else the apparency of sex in our culture may seem natural and normal, but to a few of us it seems quite excessive.
Cam
@Siggy: You said “@Cam:
Being gay and asexual usually means they are only romantically attracted to the same sex. And this may surprise you, but most people like to identify themselves by their interactions with other people, rather than how often they jerk off. Imagine! Perhaps in a perfect world, romantic feelings would always match up with sexual feelings, and jerking off would always match up with a sexual desire towards other people. Damn people and their “complications”, eh?”
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No, I’m sorry, but sexual attraction determines your sexuality. Most people do not identify their sexuality by who they interact with rather than who they are sexually attracted to. It is very often that gays feel comfortable hanging around women, especially when they are younger, they develop close bonds with them, yet they fantasize about men. According to you, this would make them straight. You can say whatever you want, but don’t try to alter facts just to try to fit the world into the box you would prefer to create for it. If somebody is sexually attracted to, and jerking off to pictures of men, yet forming “Romantic” relationships with women, then do you know what he is? He is either a closet case, or a manipulator.
M Shane
My own suspicion is that people who are geuinely experiencing a lack of libido , which happens by virtue of a number of endocrine problems, some to be very concrened about-i.e. pituitary, testiculer, or related forms of cancer, ought to see a doctor. It is possble, of course, that low sexual response results from antidepressants and other psychiatric medications. YThese are the most obvious of all
resaons for low libido.
In cases where one choses to be asexual either because it seems fashionable; e.g Morrissey; or because they can’t catch what they want , or because of religious vows, thiose are choices.
Basically , in a puritanical culture like America’s no one would generaly notice if you are asexual, or applaud it.
Siggy
@Cam:
“No, I’m sorry, but sexual attraction determines your sexuality. Most people do not identify their sexuality by who they interact with rather than who they are sexually attracted to.”
Actually, that’s more or less what I meant. By interactions with other people, I specifically meant sexual attraction to other people. In the experience of many asexuals, jerking off simply does not equate to sexual attraction to other people. So we have to distinguish sexual attraction from libido. Also, they usually don’t fantasize about men or women, or about anyone at all.
Sorry, I was trying to be a little humorous before, but I suppose this is a complicated subject, and calls for a little more seriousness and precision.
“If somebody is sexually attracted to, and jerking off to pictures of men, yet forming “Romantic” relationships with women, then do you know what he is? He is either a closet case, or a manipulator.”
Actually, I might disagree with that one. Sure, we choose our romantic relationships, but we don’t really choose who we fall in love with, not directly. So some people end up in the absurd situation where they fall in love with one gender, but have the hots for the other. Luckily, I think this is rare, so maybe he really is a closet case. (See Lisa Diamond: http://www.psych.utah.edu/people/faculty/diamond/Publications/What%20does%20Sexual%20Orientation%20Orient.pdf)
Ally
@Cam: You’d be surprised. People find a way to discriminate. I don’t know if it’s necessarily discrimination, but a lot are laughed at or told that what they feel (or rather don’t feel) is not legitimate. A lot are told they have mental health issues. People always find a way to be dicks to those who are different.
Allison
I know, as an asexual teenager, that on the internet we’re harrassed. Or they say we don’t exist or have some sort of religious beliefs that make us asexual (?).
I’m a christian, but before I found AVEN I fully expected myself to have sex and kids after marriage; but thst was because thats what I was supposed to think in my house.
Why does everybody say “Asexuality isn’t normal!”. It’s just as normal as homosexuality, since sex is, technically, used for producing offspring, which gay sex doesn’t accomplish.
And for the record, I don’t view asexuality or homosexuality as normal because it’s not accomplishing what it was designed/evolved for.
ace L
I agree with Siggy (post 56), I’d say such a man may be a bi-romantic homosexual, which does not place him exactly on the middle of a romantic spectrum necessarily. Regardless of my history in the ‘LGBTI’ community or my attraction to women, I feel A needs to be in the acronym, even if under allies. I’ve started using LGTIQA sometimes because B seems unnecessary, it’s covered by G and L, and am I the only one who thinks it’s a sexist orientation? B’s are attracted to anyone but(!) intersexeds or trannies – or it would fall under pansexual. But no one wonders about that and no one asks if Bs have it harder.
To answer the question although I tend to think the writer and editors of Queerty are insensitive idiots: it depends on the case. Do lesbians in some orthodox religious communities have it harder than others (they are forced to marry and breed)? Do they have it harder than those in societies where there is the not-so-criticized practice of ‘corrective rape’ on lesbians? Do asexuals in both of the above societies have it harder, or equally hard? There isn’t enough visibility yet to even know of asexuals who have come out in the said societies. Aces would be victims of ‘corrective rape’ too, perhaps even raped by their date in spite of prior agreement not to have sex.
I can definitely say that it is harder to date for asexuals – generally we get dumped the minute we utter the words ‘I’m not into sex’, I’ve never dated a woman beyond uttering the 4 magic words.
Assimilis
Someone asked whether asexuals have dreams about sex and really, that’s an interesting question with different answers from different individuals. I’m an asexual person and while I do sometimes see dreams about sex, they only happen rarely and they are invariably nightmares or some sort of crack dreams that don’t make any sense at all. If a sex act happens in my dreams, it’s never me who’s taking part in it.
My overall view on sex is indifference. It’s like sports — I really don’t understand why people are compelled to watch other people chase a ball on a really large field, but I respect people’s interest in it and understand that it holds great value to someone even if I don’t understand what it’s about. I don’t consider myself damaged or somehow incomplete, the only thing that’s ever made me felt that way have been people who’ve decided that I’m a fake or somehow mentally ill.
I personally don’t think we asexuals belong into the, err *had to look it up* LGBTQ scene. We do need visibility, though, because even though we’re not actively pursued (not outside of the Internet, at least), we do have our problems. Many asexuals don’t even want to bring them up, because to many it’s just easy to shut up and let people think what they want. I’ve even let some people think I’m a lesbian just so I could avoid some of the more persistent questions and accusations that tend to pop up when I come out and say I’m asexual.
I wish I could say that I’ve done my best to help our cause, to be better understood and accepted, but in all honesty, the problem with people’s attitudes is so widely spread and so elusive that it feels impossible to tackle. I’ve had my fair share; I’m regularly pressured to be a hetero, I’ve been pressured to be a homo, I’ve been pressured to not pursue my future profession (community educator) because apparently asexual stands for “socially awkward”, I’m always being doubted, and no matter what I do, people try to find something hinting towards sexuality in even the most ordinary things I do. It’s hardly ever something I can call on, not something that’d make a great flashy campaign or a lawsuit, it’s just small things here and there. But they’re frequent and sometimes very exhausting.
I’m just happy that I’m not a romantic asexual, because things seem impossibly hard for most of the ones I know even though they’ve been very nice people. I won’t have to have sex just to please someone else and I’m very thankful of that.
Kim
@Erick: Being asexual is not a choice. What you’re talking about is celibacy (when a sexual person chooses not to have sex). Asexual people are not sexually attracted to anyone.
Kim
@BernardVanBuren: Excuse me, but you’re being very ignorant and wrong when you say that asexuals (a word which you put between cotation mark, as if they’re not real) are just traumatized or afraid to have sex. That’s not true at all. Most asexuals have a sex drive and they even masturbate, but they can’t share that intimacy with anyone because they simply can’t feel any sexual attraction towards anyone. It’s not that hard to understand. Stop spreading wrong idea, please.
Bri
@BernardVanBuren: I’m asexual and I’m not afraid to have sex. I just don’t want to. I was never sexually assaulted. I’m just don’t like the idea of having someone else’s personal region near my own.