...Doth Protest Too Much

That Antigay, Totally Naked Protest In Kenya Was Cancelled

William-Ruto-400x272-2And it had seemed like such a sure thing.

So that widely publicized protest — which would’ve involved “5,000 totally naked protestors” ambushing Obama’s arrival in Kenya — ultimately didn’t happen after all.

Related: New Movements in Uganda and Kenya Prove Anti-Gay Laws Are Never Dead in Africa

The initial plan was hatched by Kenya’s floridly homophobic Deputy President, William Ruto, and would have involved countless arduous man-sheaths flapping insistently in the wind, tendrils of perspiration teasingly winding down innumerable V-shaped backs, slipping coyly into the crevices of myriad pert, muscular buttocks, clasping in anticipation of the President’s imminent entry into the wide open plains of their country…

You see, mastermind Ruto condemned Obama’s “aggressive support” for gay rights, and thought this fleshy fantasia was the perfect way to let the President “see and understand the difference between a man and a woman.” It was to be an anatomy lesson of sorts: The thousands of bouncing, boundless breasts; those bobbing globes of flesh that look sculpted of whipped apple-butter, crested with honeydew, smashing and mashing against each other as excitement mounted and the horses whinnied as one; that sweet musk rising imperceptibly from the nubile, molten bodies; the coiling wisps of pubic hair; those hulking, muscular frames; pink and fertile folds achingly wrapped around jutting man-scabbards; powerful locomotive physiques — male and female and everything in-between — fusing in an intoxication orgy of flesh and fetish.

Related: Kenyan Leader Tasked With Uncovering Why Antigay Laws Aren’t Enforced

But alas, the Kenyan newspaper The Star reported it was not to be. Republican Liberty Party leader Vincent Kidala told the paper the protest was postponed and that he “was forced to cancel it in a 2 a.m. phone call.”

Which is unfortunate, as Kidada had been expecting “1,000 women and 4,000 men” to attend, and had been longing to preside over the cavalcade of meaty cheeks and twitching members; the miles of wickedly smooth skin rumpled over with gooseflesh as man-tusks jabbed and jolted, squirming, bucking and thrashing against a thousand hungry, hoary man-chutes.

But no. Apparently the national security committee strongly cautioned against the protest, saying it was akin to “a terror attack;” a terror attack replete with staunchly feminine gazes burning paths of warmth between breasts and stomachs, nipples waiting to be nibbled and sucked; fingertips, lips, hips, tongues going taut as hands continued to caress, though none of the girls knew whose body they touched, whether male or female, didn’t know, didn’t care; all they knew was this hunger, this insatiable hunger…