Oh sure, we can’t get married, we can get fired for no good reason at all and there are angry pastors claiming we’re all going to burn in the eternal pits of damnation (so long as they’re not there, that’s fine, by the way). But if you asked if we could trade being gay for being straight, we’d laugh in your face. Here are 12 ways that being a homo beats the pants off the breeder lifestyle any day of the week.
1. The Sex.
By far, the best part about being a gay dude is that sex is totally easy. I know this sort of propagates the whole ‘gay men are sluts’ meme, but it’s the god’s honest truth. Men like sex and so, stick two of us together and sex comes pretty easily. It’s a fact of life that lots of gay men, meet, hook-up and become friends and when we tell this to our straight friends, they’re very jealous.
If you really want to depress your straight friends, explain that your partner will never withhold sex until you do the dishes or take out the trash or what not. Never happens.
Oh– and nobody ever gets accidentally pregnant!
2. Double the wardrobe.
This is an old Seinfeld joke, but as a closet full of ex-boyfriends’ clothes (we trade!) attests to, you don’t just get the boy, you get his fashion, too. There’s something incredibly sexy about seeing the guy you’re into hopping into your jeans.
3. We’re more open-minded.
Look, I’m a blond-haired, blue-eyed white boy who grew up in middle-class suburbia. I’d like to think that I would be a tolerant, open-minded person regardless of my sexuality, but being gay has done a lot to make me a better human being There’s a world of difference between sympathy and empathy and knowing what it’s like to be treated differently simply because of who you are. It opens your mind to the casual racism and classism in this country.
4. We can ask for directions.
Lost your way? No reason to demand you know the right way to go, just pull over and ask a gas station attendant. Can someone explain to me why straight guys can’t do this?
5. We do not presume every straight person wants to sleep with us.
Without fail, at some point in the friendship of every straight pal I’ve ever had, they’ve alluded to the fact that I must secretly want to bang them. I used to explain to most of them that they aren’t my type, but after one-too-many bruised egos, I’ve learned to keep quiet and just smile.
6. All these awesome people.
Sexuality crosses so many boundaries that when you’re gay, you’re bound to meet people who are not like you. In seeking out people who are like you, you inevitably meet people who are not like you at all. One of my first friends at college was this gay guy named Don. We bonded over a love of Kenneth Branagh and the Dewey Decimal System, and when I dumped my first college boyfriend, Don was worried I was doing it to be with him and divulged to me that he was a female-to-male transsexual. At 19, this blew my mind and I had all sorts of questions: “Why would you go from being a straight woman to being a gay guy?” (“All the good ones are gay”), “But, it’d be so much easier!” (“Yeah, but I’ve always seen myself as a boy—sexuality is independent of gender”) and while we didn’t find love, we became best friends. I don’t know that’s something that would have happened if I were straight.
7. The Toaster Oven.
As you all know from your own coming out experience, one of the great gay thing about being gay is all the toaster ovens you get when your recruit new gays to the cause. The only down shot of this is that, at this point, I’m eating toast morning, noon and night.
8. We’re not threatened by strong-willed women.
In fact, we love them and idolize them. If you’re a gal who knows what she wants and is willing to claw and fight to make it in a man’s world, gay men will be there cheering you all the way. The straight boys will cower in fear and call you a bitch. Bitch? Honey, you have no idea.
9. It’s easier to be yourself.
We don’t envy our straight male buddies. There’s a lot of discussion about female gender roles being constricting, but most guys don’t even talk about it; it’s just “drink beer, watch football, dress slobby.” One of the great things about the gay rights movement is that it’s making it easier for straight guys to be themselves and express non-standard interests. For gay guys, it’s just expected. Want to unrepentantly sing musical theater songs in the shower? Go for it. For instance, I’m a nerdy bookworm. I talk about the NYTimes Books Review section with my friends. I drag friends to art gallery openings—and until this moment, I never really thought twice about what people might say about it.
10. It is much easier to get cast in a reality TV show.
Oh, so you juggle, are related to the British crown and live on the back of your motorcycle? Awesome. We’re gay and have snappy catchphrases. Do you really want to compete?
11. We have friends everywhere.
Go to any major city and ask where the gay district and you’ll have an instant network. Gays are all about creating their own families and, for the most part, we take kindly to strangers. In fact, a lot of the time, we don’t even have to try. How many times has someone come up to you and said, “Hey, you have to meet my friend, Kenny! He’s gay too!” which can get really old, but how many straight guys have a cavalcade of girls trying to set them up? Exactly.
12. To the kids, we are the coolest members of our family.
Everyone loves the guncle. You bring the coolest toys, you listen to what the kids say and when they come over, they get treated like royalty. While some of the adults in your family may judge you, to the kids, you are God—God with a frozen hot chocolate.
13. We are inherently fun.
It’s right there in the name: “Gay.” There’s an expectation that gay folks are good times, and while we get depressed like the rest of the world, for the most part, we’re happy to oblige. If you want to do something, it takes on an instant cool cachet, simply because you’re a big ‘mo who must know what he’s doing. It doesn’t matter if it’s stock car racing or ballet, you come with an instant stamp of cultural authority that you can use to your endless amusement.