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The 5 Gays You Meet in ChatRoulette

You’ve seen it on every morning show, Twitter feed, and culture blog. ChatRoulette is the opportunity to meet strangers’ penises — and, as any experience will prove, one in 10 strangers are displaying their penises — over the Internet in a game of cam-to-cam gunplay. It’s a “craze” (or not). It’s addictive (it is). It’s perverse (totally!). It’s also where we log on to find a few of our favorite types of homosexuals.

Rather than worry about the five people we’ll meet in heaven, we wanted to know about the five types of gays we’ll meet on ChatRoulette. Because we live in The Now.

So just who are these queers pointing their cameras at their faces and genitals as they interface with people they’ve never met, and will probably never see again? Probably folks you would never socialize with IRL. Luckily, avoiding these characters is just one “Next” click away.

Sexually confused older gentlemen with a tendency to look for love in all the wrong places.
If you’re middle aged and married, you’re probably not going to find much time to cruise the local gay bars looking for love. Unless you’re California’s most famous state senator Roy Ashburn. (Rim shot, please!) This is category of Larry Craigs and Ted Haggards, who might already be using the Internet to meet guys they otherwise wouldn’t have an opportunity to engage. You should expect them to have their cameras pointed at their (clothed) torsos, only revealing their faces after a few minutes of confidence-inducing banter with a cute twink.

Stuffy, ambitious types whose days are filled with long work hours and few escapes.
Full-time careers sometimes get in the way of socializing. And sometimes full-time socializing is a career. Even still, America’s Joe Solmoneses often need a shoulder to cry, lean, or masturbate on, and cam-to-cam is an obvious free solution. Whether it’s a stranger to hear about the stresses of work (“Gah, that Obama just refuses to take my calls!”) or scoring advice on how to juggle so many obligations (“I’m so busy applauding and condemning!”), ChatRoulette is a gamble worth taking.

Budding porn stars.
Whether you’re Kurt Wild or Mason Wyler, extending your brand is crucial to your business. Which means attracting new fans the old fashioned way: Word of mouth. For every new j/o cam session, these folks score a new grassroots marketer for their monthly membership sites. Of course, recording live ChatRoulette sessions is already en vogue, so any private exposure will soon end up as free content on BitTorrent.

Frantic lesbian moms.
Often stuck at home with their charges, gay moms need an escape more interactive than HSN and QVC. Which is why the Rosie O’Donnells and Wanda Sykes will turn to ChatRoulette to meet others just like them. You’ll recognize these women on the site because they’ve got a baby in their left hand and the right one dedicated to the keyboard. They’re also applying to elite pre-schools for their as-yet-unborn kin on the way in between cam sessions.

Exhibitionist queens who crave attention.
Some gays just want to show it all off on the web, even if there’s no chance of actually meeting men. These Clay Aikens will find solace in ChatRoulette, for every mouse click means another person, in San Diego or Santo Domingo, in Dallas or Durbin, to show off your goods to. And unlike strolling around your cul-de-sac sans pants, going commando on ChatRoulette won’t invite the neighbors to call the fuzz. Unless your ChatRouletting from your front porch.

BONUS: Heterosexual men looking for young men to date his daughters.
When campaign victory speeches fail to find nice folks to date your kids, the Scott Browns of the world will turn to ChatRoulette. The thinking goes: If I’m a normal, regular, nice guy, surely there must be other normal, regular, nice guys out there. And some of them might be single! And interested in my attractive daughters! And he would be right, though it will take approximately 118 hours of ChatRouletting to find them.

Now you tell us, what types of gays have you ChatRouletted?