California cops recently snagged Angel Pena Ayala, a 24-year-old felon who used Craigslist to rob gay victims at gunpoint. And it reminded us that Craigslist’s M4M section is not only a good place for “RAW BB BTTMS ISO GROUP LOADZ.” It’s also a nifty place for murderers, child rapists, celebrity fakes and pranksters looking to embarrass their straight co-workers. Doing away with “erotic services” hasn’t stopped Craigslist criminals. Here are five recent heinous homo CL stories — modern day fables to give you digital masturbators some friendly advice.
WTF HAPPENED?: When WABC Radio Reporter George Weber posted an ad looking for “violent sex”, he met Satanic 16-year-old knife fetishist John Katehis. Weber wanted to pay Katehis $60 to smother him with a pillow. But instead, Katehis tied Weber’s ankles with duct tape and stabbed Weber 50 times in the neck and body.
LESSONS LEARNED: If Weber had checked out Katehis’ MySpace page before inviting him over, he might have seen his creepy-ass knife collection and friendly warning, “If you disrespect me then I will fucking break your neck.”
And remember, statuatory rape laws exist for the good of both children and adults. Sixteen-year-olds make horrible lovers, under any circumstances.
WTF HAPPENED?: Apparently Gossip Girl star Chace Crawford likes to work out at the gayest gym in all of New York (Equinox in the Meatpacking District). Some of his gym mates have even reported seeing him in the steamroom during the cruisiest hours. Not that that makes him gay (it might just mean he’s vain). But it certainly doesn’t help his gay rumors much.
After one of his Tuesday night workouts, someone pretend to be Chace and posted this message on Craigslist’s “M4M Missed Connections”:
You were lifting in a black tank top and black Adidas pants. I was wearing a gray tee with a green cap. I’m not sure if you were working out with your boyfriend or if he was just a friend – either way, you’re a stud. I’m a fairly recognizable actor, so I didn’t want to approach you on the gym floor – but now I find myself wishing that I had waited around for you in the locker room – or something.
Msg me if you see this – hope to see you again.
But an Equinox employee expressed serious doubt that the gray-teed, green-capped Chace was “bold and stupid enough to out himself on Craigslist.” He said, “That is an act saved for VGL bros who want to get some beers and see what happens, their GFs being OOT and all.”
LESSONS LEARNED: Closeted celebrities are more likely to pluck a boy from their own personal orchard rather than get blown in a steamroom or cruise for free ass online. Also, the Missed Connections section of Craigslist is one of the saddest places in all of cyberspace.
WTF HAPPENED?: Daniel P. Heeren, a 24-year-old med student from Albany, wanted to fuck a teenage boy. So he posted a Craigslist ad and drove to Panera Bread to nibble on his nubile nude. But instead of finding a teenage boy, Heeren found a police officer who arrested him and confiscated his sex toy, lubricant and condoms.
LESSONS LEARNED: Always use the “half your age plus seven” rule when deciding whether to fuck someone younger than yourself. Also, using Craigslist to find boy snatch is about as smart as calling 911 to buy coke. That medical textbook might be boring, but it’s an infinitely better place to stick your nose.
WTF HAPPENED?: As a prank, several dairy workers in Southern California placed an anonymous gay sex ad on Craigslist’s “Casual Encounters” section along with their straight, married co-worker’s home phone number. The ad read:
“seeking a hot stud for first timer… recently divorced from my wife, have come to terms with my homo sexuality [sic], and need someone to teach me the right way, and be gentle at the same time, age, race not important…”
Over the next two days, the married man got a bunch of phone calls from pervy guys who “asked for sex and made highly offensive and graphic sexual comments and invitations.” The man sued the dairy where he worked and Craigslist. No word yet on his success.
LESSONS LEARNED: Try not to work in a place staffed by douchebags. At least you know how to celebrate your frienemy’s birthday this year.
WTF HAPPENED?: Another Albany med student (what’s wrong with that place?) 22-year-old Philip Markoff used Craigslist to lure sex workers to their death. “The Craigslist Killer” shot a 26-year-old masseuse to death, robbed an exotic dancer, and held up a Las Vegas hooker—he even went after transexuals. Police eventually arrested him after linking him to three crime scenes via video footage.
LESSONS LEARNED: CYA if you’re an online sex worker. Condoms will only keep you so safe. Perhaps you’d prefer a career at Starbucks? They have health insurance.