Speaking of penises, the first episode of ALD isn’t actually about Levi so much as it is about his very big, enormous, plus-sized cock. We know it’s an oversize schlong because he and several castmates tell us so repeatedly (“A big dick can open doors,” he states). Two, possibly three, of the ALD boys are thoroughly dicktimized: Insecure party boy James is upset because Levi has shrugged off their long-ago hook-up and shows no interest in rekindling the fire; Bible-thumping Taylor wants more of the famed cowboy cock he first tasted a couple of years ago and Levi is apparently willing to oblige. It’s also suggested that quippy, snippy Chase is charmed by Levi’s Texas swagger.
If that weren’t sufficient to swell Levi’s head enough to burst the band of his beloved cowboy hat, the stud is also shown making out and/or flirting with a handful of random unidentified guys. So he’s sexy and slutty—no problem with that, really—soft-spoken and perhaps enjoys having the boys fall at his feet a bit too much. I get that hanging out with a cocktail-pounding crier like James (keep reading) could be exhausting, but he lets the poor kid simmer and stew in his own resentment even as shit-stirring Phillip pokes at him with a stick for sport. Not cool.
PHILLIP: Do you recall the supercilious, hilariously snide Dwight Eubanks of Real Housewives of Atlanta fame? Phillip is the Dwight of the show. He’s hired periodically as a stylist to Dallas’ desperate housewives but real talent is for deftly setting gossip-fueled fires among his castmates and watching the flames ignite. Chase wittily describes him as a “black, bitchy Connie Chung.” Judging from the highlights reel, Phillip will be the center and/or cause of most of the season’s drama.
TAYLOR: Logo craftily kept the blogosphere abuzz in the days leading up to the ALD debut thanks primarily to the antics of one person: Taylor Garrett. He’s ambitious, cunning and cute. He’s also a Bible-thumping Southern Baptist and eager fundraiser for conservative Republican politicians and their causes. It was recently revealed the demure ingénue Ann Coulter would appear at some point during the season thanks to him.
This week, Garrett apparently had a rock thrown through his window with a typed note that said, essentially, “Fuck off, Republican scum.” Skeptical bloggers asked to see a police report, which finally surfaced last night via the Twitter machine.
CHASE: Every reality show worth its salt needs someone to comment on the action. Chase could be that guy because he’s camp and quick with a one-liner. In an earlier era, he’d be the show queen in the corner mashing on a damp olive fished from his too-quickly-emptied martini glass. Despite a fondness for formal shorts and emptying cans of hairspray into his insanely tangled follicles, Chase demonstrates at least a modicum of self-awareness. At one point, he tries to explain what he does for a living—something about real estate investment or whatever—and quickly gives up. “It’s all very complicated,” he notes with an exhausted huff, ” so I can’t just explain it to ya. It involves math.” That’s funny even if he’s being serious.
He also drinks a lot—to be fair, it could be an editing trick—and cries and splashes on the melodrama like cheap cologne. (If you watch Logo’s 1 Girl, 5 Gays, James looks and sounds like bomb-throwing cast member Andrew Edwards. He undoubtedly wouldn’t turn down another spin on Levi’s magic stick and he’s mortally offended that Levi doesn’t care to give him the time of day. Make it a double! He is shown in the preview clips copiously weeping, praying, fighting and drinking. Sometimes all at once.
ASHLEY: Young, pretty blond girl Ashley is friendly with several ALD castmates but otherwise doesn’t serve much purpose in this episode. (I swear, if she cuts a motherfucking single this season, I am done.) She stays out of the drama—bah, humbug—and holds down a regular job as a wedding photographer.
She’s married to a man who doesn’t mind if she cavorts with guys as long as they’re The Gays; otherwise, the only other dude allowed to be a regular part of her life is Jebus. (I was creeped out by that revelation, but perhaps I read too much into it.)
She and Taylor spent a fair chunk of this episode praising His Holy Name and asking Him to ensure Taylor gets into Levi’s jeans again soon. (Amen.) It’s notable that Logo chose to include two cast members who openly profess their devotion to the Lord. Neither addresses the Bible’s condemnation of gays but Ashley seems to recognize that organized religion is a polarizing issue, particularly among her beloved gays. Taylor, on the other hand, whines that many of the men he wants to date and/or hump “think they’re gonna burst into flame or something,” if they step inside a church.
No, they don’t, Tay-Tay. Many gay men don’t have a problem with religious conviction or even conservatism—what’s more inherently conservative than traditional marriage? But they do have a problem with hypocrisy. They’re offended by an institution—whether it’s the Catholic Church or the GOP—that regularly condemns the very life you proudly enjoy down there in Dallas and would restrict your freedoms as an American citizen if they could. You might get more dates if you could learn to recognize the distinction.
So far, A List New York‘s country cousin isn’t a train wreck, but still has plenty to get us riled up about—from Levi’s laconic arrogance to Phillip’s gleeful gossip mongering, and lots of Jebus! Praise Him! (if that pushes your buttons). Nobody gets slapped or punched or shoved (yet) and James cries only a little bit by typical reality-TV standards. Chase is funny, but it’s not yet clear if it’s inadvertent. There’s not much beefcake, just tight jeans plus Phillip in his undies and backwards chaps, which you’ve already seen a thousand times in the commercial.
The most disappointing aspect of this whole episode? Only one person—just one, dammit—complains about being “thrown under the bus.”
For shame, Logo.
JC Adams is a Los Angeles-based writer, filmmaker and blogger of moderate renown. His first book, Gay Porn Heroes (Bruno Gmunder), was published in September. Find him on Twitter at @GPTimes.
Geo
I wouldn’t watch this show if you taped it to a rock and threw it through my window.
SpireaX
LOGO is determined to show the most outrageous (and shallow) members of The LGBTQI(whatever) who make up 1% of that populace. It’s like watching “COPS” only gayer, more fabulous, more teeth but not necessarily more class.
Adam
Sorry, but until Coulter is off Logo I’ll spend my viewing time (and dollars) elsewhere. Logo as a network is off my TV for now.
doug105
Looking forward to a new apartment in 3-4 months, on the waiting list.
should be able to get cable then hopefully they will have HERE! instead of logo.
justin allen
there is no video clip?
i can’t find it. disappointing.
Michael
Smh.Never will understand why logo puts out shows about these narcissistic egomaniac type people.Not flattering nor interesting at all to me anyways.Everyone is not the same in that regard.
Oh and Levi may not be bad looking but hopefully he is intelligent enough to know that looks always eventually fade.
Will
Dan Avery and Queerty:
Perhaps you haven’t heard but there is a BOYCOTT of The A List Dallas and LOGO going on at the meoment by the LGBT Community because of them showing Ann Coulter and GOProud in a sympathetic light in an upcoming episode. NOT TO MEMTION that there’s a great possivbility that theres a fake hate crime report to drum up publicity.
No body is watching and nobody cares about the craptastic LOGO. So please respect the BOYCOTT and stop recapping it.
Jason
I don’t befriend, blow, or fuck gay republicans, and I sure as hell aint gonna bring one into my home, courtesy of this trainwreck of a show. Logo’s totally off the mark on this one.
xander
The way I figure it, I wouldn’t spend time with these folks in meat-space so I won’t watch them on TV.
For gawd sakes, LOGO, show some real people, get out of the gay ghettos. I’d rather watch a gang of gay accountants, baristas, lawyers, or cops (YUM) than this humourless lot.
Fine writing on the write-up, Dan Avery, all the same.
TIM
I knew A-List was a joke in NYC… I’ve rarely met any gay guys who are that outrageously over the top… but they can be fun, even if a bit nerve-racking to watch… but I can still support the show…
However, A-List Dallas, is so beyond rediculous, it’s outright offensive to the gay community.
They couldn’t possibly have picked a poorer set to represent the Gay Men’s community. I’m all about people having the freedom to be who they are, but the Vapid, Arrogant, Alcohol Abusing, Jesus Freakin’, Hair Caught in the ceiling fan crowd is enough to make you puke.
Won’t be watching that Crap Again… and WILL be writing to LOGO… I’m appalled that they think THIS Is a valid representation of the best of the LGBT Community. They personify every stereotype that causes people to retaliate against LGBT folks.
mikeandrewsdantescove
I think Levi is the stud of the show. Taylor on the otherhand will be hated. He’s a fan of George W Bush, religion and has an annoying laugh.
Mike
http://sfholidays.blogspot.com/
CantBelieveMyEyes
UN-FUCKING BELIEVABLE.
I’VE NEVER SEEN SUCH A BUNCH OF SELF ABSORBED, OFFENSIVE, AND ARROGANT TRASH… PURPORTING TO REPRESENT THE GAY COMMUNITY. I CAN’T BELIEVE ANYONE ENJOYED THAT EPISODE.
1. ASHLEY: I BOTOX BARBIE WITH HER CLOSER TO THE LORD HAIR, HAD A HUSBAND WHO WAS SURE TO STAY CLEAR OF ANY OF THE GAY GUYS… “EVERYONE NEEDS A GAY”… SHE MAY AS WELL HAVE SAID “EVERYONE NEEDS A NIGGER.” I DON’T THINK SHE COULD BE MORE OFFENSIVE. MAYBE SHE SHOULD PRAY TO JESUS ABOUT THAT.
2. CHASE. THE RAGING MESS WITH HIS HAIR, THINKING ANYONE COULD POSSIBLY BE INTERESTED IN THAT MESS, WAS A COMPLETE TRAIN WRECK. “HOW CAN ANYONE NOT BE INTERESTING IN ALL THIS?”
3. JAMES. THE TRUST FUND ALCOHOLIC IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF WHAT SPOILED ROTTEN CHILDREN WHO NEVER HAVE TO WORK FOR ANYTHING IN THEIR LIVES TURN INTO. NEXT STOP REHAB… AND HOPEFULLY NOT THE FOREVER 27 CLUB (AKA JOPLIN, MORRIS, AND MOST RECENTLY WINEHOUSE) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/27_Club IT WOULD BE **REALLLLLLY** BE NICE IF HE USED HIS TIME AND FUNDS TO DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE… MAYBE HIV/AIDS CHARITIES, VOLUNTEERING AT AN ANIMAL SHELTER, ANYTHING. BUT MAKING PEOPLE VOMIT WITH YOUR PERSONA, IS NOT ATTRACTIVE.
4. LEVI. THE MOST ARROGANT OF THE ALL. A ‘COWBOY’ WHO WAS CLEARLY MADE OUT TO BE A TOTAL AND COMPLETE SLUT. HE AIN’T ALL THAT, AND IF HE WERE A ‘REAL’ COWBOY, HE WOULD HAVE BEEN DOWN IN ARENA, PULLING GATES, WORKING THE ANIMALS OR COMPETING *IN* THE RODEO. NOT PRANCING AROUND, UP IN A PRIVATE BOX LOGO RENTED WITH HIS CLEARASIL, BASE, FOUNDATION, POWDER AND EYESHADOW SMEARED ON HIS FACE.
5. TAYLOR. THE GAY REPUBLICAN, JESUS PREACHING, DUH!-B’YAH QUOTIN’ GOD FEARING WOMAN OF A MAN, IS CLEARLY SO FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD, CONFUSED AND CONFLICTED IN LIFE, HE CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHICH WAY IS UP.
6. PHILIP. AN EMBARRASMENT TO THE GAY COMMUNITY, THE BLACK COMMUNITY, THE MALE COMMUNITY. ENOUGH SAID.
I STILL CANT FUCKING BELIEVE MY EYES. WAS THAT REALLY ON TV LAST NIGHT OR WAS IT A BAD DREAM AFTER THE A-LIST NYC SMACKDOWN.. ER,UH, REUNION?
WAY TO GO LOGO, MAKE EVERYONE BELIEVE THAT BEING UBER BITCHY, AND HAVING NO SELF-RESPECT, NO DECORUM, NO HUMILITY, NO CLASS, AND NO REASON FOR ANYONE ELSE TO PAY THEM ANY REPECT, IS A BRILLIANT MESSAGE TO SEND OUT TO THE WORLD; ESPECIALLY SINCE THIS SERIES IS IN THE HATE BASED TERRITORY OF THE USA, BUSH LOVIN’ TEXAS.
I’M SURE THAT’LL DO WONDERS FOR ALL THE KID IN IOWA WHO JUST WATCHED ALL THE PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS ENSURING THEM ‘IT GETS BETTER’
LOGO SHOULD BE ASHAMED. I HOPE THEY CANCEL THIS SHOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
Michael
WAY TO GO LOGO, MAKE EVERYONE BELIEVE THAT BEING UBER BITCHY, AND HAVING NO SELF-RESPECT, NO DECORUM, NO HUMILITY, NO CLASS, AND NO REASON FOR ANYONE ELSE TO PAY THEM ANY REPECT, IS A BRILLIANT MESSAGE TO SEND OUT TO THE WORLD; ESPECIALLY SINCE THIS SERIES IS IN THE HATE BASED TERRITORY OF THE USA, BUSH LOVIN’ TEXAS.
Could not possibly agree more very well said including all of your descriptions of each one of them.
CantBelieveMyEyes
Michael:
Thanks, I’m not NORMALLY one to rip people to shreds, but that HAD to be said. This show represents the WORST of the LGBT community, and infact, humans in general. It was worse than many of the Real Housewives Train Wrecks.
It personifies ALL the WORST stereotypes, and one of the cast members openly SUPPORTS a politcal party that basically wants us Dead and Gone.
I read (Thankfully) that there is a boycott against LOGO and A-List Dallas for this reason. COUNT ME THE FUCK IN!
I don’t know who does worse damage to the kids who live across America, who are bullied and in despair; Those who bully them, or those who present this Dreck for America to take offense to. Christ Alighty, with 8 macho brothers, I think I fly around like the tooth fairy, but even THIS was offensive to ME.
I’m all for people having the freedom to express themselves, but this was totally and completely embarrassing. I can’t believe GLAAD is NOT all over LOGO TV. I sure as hell will be sending my thoughts.
HONESTLY, is there anyone who truly enjoyed being portrayed to AMERICA and the WORLD Like THAT???? Tell the Truth, please.
CantBelieveMyEyes
UNLESS IT LANDED IN THE TOILET WHERE IT BELONGS
Chuck
I will not watch this. What is the current interest by Logo and Bravo with Dallas? I have no interest in red state America. Period. Ann Coulter? Puke. Being set in New York was the only redeeming part of the A List New York. Dallas? What’s next? A-List Strip Mall in Branson? NAFF!
Gay Veteran
@Chuck: How ignorant are you? You know absolutely nothing about the “red state” . And who passes judgement on an entire state because of the republican voters in that state. Ignorant!
David Ehrenstein
Something tells me that when the late Frank Kameny went out ON HIS OWN to fight for our rights (there were no organizations back then and you could be fired for “breathing while gay”) having shows like this was not on his “to do” list.
It would be nice if there were a show about realy interesting, accomplished, wtty, insightful and polically dedicated LGBTs.
But LOGO would have no interest in carrying it.
Edgar
@SpireaX:
How is this different from most reality TV shows?
Jollysocks
I’ve definitely had my guilty pleasures in watching “A-List: New York” — which is full of egotistical gay drama queens. They’re hot messes, we know that, but it’s reality television (and we all know one or two people who are just like that in our own lives).
The A-List Dallas needs to be taken off the air. If you thought it was bad enough faking a hate crime for publicity, go and actually watch the show. It’s like one long GoProud meeting taking place in the lobby of Marcus Bachmann’s clinc. It’s extremely uncomfortable to watch, it’s basically Gay Republicans reading the Bible for half the show (in between talking about cock). Taylor — the hate crime “victim” — is not just a character on the show, he’s basically the main character and the show gives him a huge platform to spout off his garbage.
This show isn’t reenforcing stereotypes, it’s creating new ones. Self-hating GOP-loving gays have a show now. Don’t let anyone tell you that conservative politics is just a slice of the show or that things are different in Texas. All Logo did is find the most vile self-hating gay in the entire country and build a show around him and the people he thinks wants to sleep with him.
Roy Cohn was a better gay than Taylor Garrett.
Jamison
I agree with many of the things said here. These shows and the housewives shows are the worst examples of human beings.
Unfortunately, that’s what brings in the ratings and the $$.
The thing people really need to get over is the ‘gay republican’ angle. Many of you are acting like LOGO created this person. Hate to tell you, but they are around. Especially in Texas. It probably wasn’t that hard to find someone like in him in D/FW. I know quite a few. I date one even.
Is this guy an idiot? Probably. He’s on this show after-all. But not because of his political and religious leanings. They are showing someone who may be different than the ‘norm’ for gays, but there are people out there like him. They aren’t science fiction and I actually have to give the producers credit for finding someone like him to fit into the show.
I can’t wait for the blogosphere to explode when the next show has a gay Muslim on it.
And now I have to go shower because I said something nice about this show and I feel extremely dirty.
Jamison
‘I date one even’ should be ‘I dated one even’ years ago. YEARS.
CantBelieveMyEyes
No. 19 · Edgar
@SpireaX:
How is this different from most reality TV shows?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Edgar, REALLY.. ARE YOU SERIOUS? Let me expound on how it’s different:
It’s different in that although it’s a reality show, you’d have to compare it to a show that: (Lets call it N-List/DEE-troit)
Depicted a black family, OK Collection of people, cuz we “know they all look alike, and call each other brother, cuz they don’t be knowing who they daddy is.” They are ALL on welfare, with all the teen girls pregnant, while Bigg MommaJo is selling crack at the back door with her aunt Jamima scarf fallin’ off her head, and her wig on sideways under it… L’ROY, with his purple velvet pimp suit and purple velvet top hat, rolls up in the cadillac, brings out the popeyes fried chicken & bisquits, a big ass watermelon, Grape Kool-Aid, some RC Cola & Moon pies, with all the toddlers runnin around naked except for shitty diapers with their hair all in plaits, stickin straight up. Grandaddy & Uncle Joe are drunk in the corner suckin on a chicken neckbone, just as the Po-Po roll up, sirens blaring, beat the crap out of L’Roy and crack-momma, arrest them, haul them off while CPS snatches all the kids.
I THINK that would include almost as MANY of the completely faulty, but overwhelming stereotypes about Black people, that were depicted about the LGBT community by LOGO and A-List Dallas.
Yeah… this one was THAT offensive, just like Black folks would have been offended if B.E.T. did “N-List/DEE-troit.”
THAT’S how it’s different from OTHER reality shows.
Don’t know if they could have been any more damaging to the LGBT community if they tried.
CantBelieveMyEyes
oh.. i forgot the most important sterotype for N-List/DEE-troit… they’d have to have pictures of MLK, Malcolm X, OBAMA, and Mahalia Jackson on the wall… and Shaqueeda, & Shaqueesha would have to be by the gas stove with a hot comb, straigtening each others hair, with their $300-rhinestone crusted claw nails… GET the picture here?
Seaguy
I find that the cast of the Dallas version are way more stuck up and have that My S*it don’t stink attitude and being on the show will only make their heads swell more. New York I could deal with that but throw in the religious and Republican crap that seems to be a big part of Dallas and it’s too much for me. My doctor would probably tell me not to watch because it takes my blood pressure up too high.
the crustybastard
@Geo:
I only clicked this thread in the hope that some commenter would say something awesome and/or hilarious.
You delivered.
A+++++. Would click again.