PITY PARTIES

The A-List New York Recap: Blubber, Booze, And Bad Make-Up

If you missed Monday’s season finale of Help Me, I’m Stupid The A-List: New York, tiaras gurl, tiaras—sip champagne from a high-heeled shoe and celebrate you! But if you did watch it… ugh… then you survived a televised flop-orgy of deluded, drunken-eyed self-pity. Let’s relive the low-lights and look into what we can expect from next week’s cast reunion.

The entire “plot” this season has been about Austin and Derek fake-fighting over the fake dissolution of their fake friendship as Austin prepares to marry some Brit-tard named Jake. Meanwhile, token black woman Nyasha (pronounced “nausea”) has been busy making Nyasha into a brand called “Nyasha.”

So anyway, the finale begins with the gang planning on seeing Nyasha’s North American debut in Atlantic City while ditching Austin and Jake’s bachelor party… which also just happens to be in Atlantic City—OMG! Total coincidence.

If you’re wondering why Austin’s friends would wanna miss out on his bachelor party, you obviously haven’t been watching the show. To put it gently, Austin Armacost is a one-man, train-wreck of a boy-child—something that becomes disturbingly obvious during his shared limo ride to Atlantic City. During the trip Austin proposes that Jake and Jake’s friends join him in an iPhone “strip tease” game. Except no one but Austin wants to play. He then proceeds to unleash his unalluring man pies and bust out his musty nutsack while wearing his see-through briefs as a necklace. You can almost see Jake’s British pals fidgeting with their power windows as they desperately look away.

Meanwhile Derek, Ryan, Reichen, and Rodiney go to a nice relaxing man-spa where they all fight over who’s gonna tell Austin that he’s the Queen of Flop Sweats. Tweedle-Twink and Tweedle-Pale (Ryan and Derek) elect Reichen (the man, not the cologne), because Reichen is too dumb to object. In an aside, Rodiney says that he has been trying to tell everyone that Austin is a bad person ever since the first episode of season one. But no one ever listens to Rodiney because his subtitles don’t appear in real life.

A side note: Rodiney remains the hottest guy on the entire show and (thankfully) the only one to actually disrobe and enter the sauna—these three-seconds of dunder-headed eye-candy alone made the season finale worth watching.

Back in New York, Mike Ruiz has an actual life that involves lunching with Margaret Cho. Mike admits that he has not eaten carbs since 1972 while Cho talks about all the uncut “turtleneck” cocks that she plans on snapping back like slingshots at the Edinburg Fringe Festival. Get this girl another drink, honey!

It also turns out that Cho is an official minister with the Universal Life Ministry—you can become one too for free! Mike would love to have Cho officiate his wedding if he ever decides to get married to his clone, Martin. Then… TOTAL SOOPRISE, Mike proposes to Martin less than 20 minutes later.

At this point, Mike breaks a reality show rule by exposing what seems like genuine emotion and tears as he proposes to his look alike. Mike romantically mentions that he wants to change Martin’s Depends. Oooh, gurl, you know how to romance a fella.

But seeing as Mike has pledged not to star in season three so he can move forward with his career judging RuPaul’s Drag Race, this is likely one of the last times we’ll Team Mirkin together as a couple. Good luck, Murkin!

Back in Atlantic City—the poor man’s Shreveport—Austin proceeds to ruin a romantic evening with Jake in their hotel room hot tub and later an ultra-cool burlesque show by bitching non-stop about how his friends suck. Reichen and Ryan later invite Austin to their hotel room to tell him that Jake has cheated on him and that Austin has cheated on Jake.

Predictably, Austin begins blubbering tears of bacon grease while saying, “This is what is so fucked up with gay men nowadays… they can’t keep in their dick in their pants,” which is pretty much the same cowflop that Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger uttered last week, except Austin is gay, so it’s totes okay when he says it—REPRESENT!

Vignette: Reichen and Rodiney go rollerblading together because they’re besties now. Rodiney admits that he will keep dating girls “if they hot,” except he pronounces “girls” like “gruels.”

When Team Nausea goes out for a pre-show dinner, Ryan bores everyone with tales of his mobster ex-boyfriend, Derek’s hairline slowly eats away at his scalp, and Rodiney over-uses the phrase “Bitch please.” He says it about eleven times. Who taught her how to say that? You know she didn’t learn it on her own.

In the backstage dressing area, Nausea does her best to cake makeup all over her craters while her back-up dancers get their eyes made-up like Natalie Portman in Black Swan. Nausea then bursts onstage like a drag queen and lip synchs her song “Rise Up”—now ignorable on iTunes! After performing for all of three minutes, she and the bois celebrate herself with a clear bottle of blurred-out vodka.

CUT TO: Austin’s two-man bachelor party. He and Jake sit in badly upholstered office chairs while a hunky black stripper waves his censored bits in their faces and then faux-tops them both—yes, apparently this is a marriage of two bottoms… we give it six months, “tops.”

After fake-bottoming, Austin’s fiancee basically tells the Italian sausage in the fedora sitting next to him that he’d like to for-real-bottom for him. Meanwhile, Austin gets all Princess Pouty Lumps. When Jake asks what’s wrong, Austin replies, “You know, Jake.” Which is great, because Jake doesn’t know and that’s what makes great television and strong marriages.

Moments later, Austin and Jake later both lie to each other by saying that neither one is cheating on the other. They then promise to never bring reality into their doomed relationship ever again.

That more or less wraps it up though the preview for next week’s cast reunion features nonstop F-bombs while everyone calls everyone else a liar. It’s kinda like C-SPAN meets The Bad Girls Club. We’ll see you there, suckers.