Playing George W. Bush’s human video game two years ago in Iraq, LA-based comedian Jay Michel, who graduated from the U.S. Naval Academy in 2006, pulled together a list of all the things that make you gay — or not gay — in wartime. No, this isn’t out of some officer’s code of conduct. It’s from living on a base with fellow soldiers who determine whether “you’re gay” or not. Surprisingly, calling yourself “Hector The Molester” and lying on top of people as they wake up does not make you gay. Nor does borrowing somebody’s underwear. Or showing off your asshole. My god, the armed forces has so many confusing rules I could never manage to master.