When does a boy become a man? Is it an age thing? When you’re 35, perhaps? We know plenty of 35-year-olds who still act like teenagers. Go to any gay bar in the country and you’ll find middle-aged men squeezed into Abercrombie T-shirts proving it every night.
Maybe it’s an experience thing. As soon as you rack up enough real-world lessons, you start to view the world and yourself in a new way.
For gay men, it seems to be somewhere in the middle. Sure, age is a factor. A 45 year-old is more likely to be emotionally mature than a 25 year-old, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t exceptions.
In dating, the feeling of seeing a boy or a man can be dramatically different. We teamed up with our friends at Compatible Partners to offer some guidance on the two.
1. Grown up men don’t chase
Dating in your twenties and even through your thirties can feel like a flashy Vegas casino game. Sometimes you’re up, sometimes you’re down, but you’re always standing at the table ready to swallow those complimentary cocktails.
Dating apps don’t help. We woof at each other, swipe one another and “load more guys” in a never ending carnival ride of sex and desire. Gaming dynamics are purposefully built into these hook-up tools to keep it fun, and to keep you coming back to chase the next hottest thing.
The idea of sex as a conquest is a boyish pursuit. But there’s a flip side to beware of.
If you’re interested in a man and he’s not going all-out schoolboy crush on you, you may need to make the first move. Let him know you’re interested, and if he feels the same, take it from there.
2. Grown up men know how to communicate
As guys mature, they tend to be more comfortable in their own skin. That translates into being more comfortable in general. They’ve had time to find their center, and are able to communicate directly and vulnerably.
As maturity grows, the ego tends to shrink a bit. A successful relationship winds up hinging on a devoted desire to give the other person happiness rather than taking from your partner what you think you need. These dynamics can get mighty tricky unless the channel of communication is wide open.
3. Grown up men would rather be alone than be with the wrong guy
Being comfortable on your own is a vital quality in becoming a man. The most successful relationships are two people spinning independently, together. One partner shouldn’t rely on the other to stand up straight.
In our 20s and 30s we might be looking for someone to create a new reality with, but as we get older it becomes more about sharing your already developed existence, and having someone else share theirs with you. Of course you still might end up falling head over heels for one another and integrating more deeply into each other’s lives, but it should be a fully intentional move — not just “because it felt OK.”
AxelDC
Advertorial from the company forced into existence because eHarmony hates gays.
QJ201
I just had this conversation yesterday…
tdx3fan
Well, you certainly make being a grown up guy sound like a barrel of fun. I think the truth is somewhere in the middle for everyone. Everyone is manish/boyish and falls somewhere on a spectrum that is not an extreme on any side.
tdx3fan
I would also argue that the best relationships exist when both partners understand how to be a man when its needed and a boy when it is not.
Milk
So now we redefine what’s a grown up man? Obviously we have not learn our lessons being stigmatize by labels. See what happen when we let a bunch of nothing better to do privilege old folks label us? Just stop right now.
jockjack5
@AxelDC:
hahaha!
Good point I suppose about this company’s “existence”.
Well, thanks Compatible Partners, but I think I’ll just keep on finding my dates in the nearest men’s room, whether it’s a rest-stop or college library.
I know that gay anonymous sex is potentially dangerous and always slutty, but it has always worked for me in a pinch if I am between relationships.
$14.95 a month, even WITH a Queerty discount, is a bit steep!
hoosier1969
On other words…be on the same page as your partner if you want it to work. Thanks! Figured that out on my own!!
loren_1955
Through the years I have been with incredibly mature 20 year olds and very childish 40’s and 50’s. Age is not a good measure on maturity. I did like the comment about a truly mature person knows when to be a man and when it’s time to be a boy. There are times to be stoic/mature, but life is a lot more fun to occasionally let the hair down, whoop and holler and be a boy again.
AlliterationAddict
There is a such thing as too grown up, though. I think the key to a fulfilling life is learning to strike a balance between responsibility and fun.
Fidelio
This makes up for the other article on intergenerational relationships, which was an unmitigated disaster. #3 is spot-on and well-said.
DistingueTraces
This article would be way better if the phrase “grown up man” were replaced with “grown ass man” in each instance.
DistingueTraces
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZpcZC1mBIk&w=560&h=315%5D
SteveDenver
Men make decisions and stick by them.
I know 50-year-olds who are not mature enough to handle that one. I know two guys in their 20s who have a handle on responsibility and decision-making. One of them was honest enough to tell his boyfriend at the time that he liked where they were, and if his boyfriend needed to find deeper commitment, he would have to do it with someone else. The boyfriend split, but three years later is back.
lauraspencer
When did age 35 become “middle-aged”???? If 1 out of every 3 people are living to 100 today how is 35 representative of middle age?
wpewen
As a 56 yr old who was briefly in West Hollywood and Castro 30+ years ago I made my decision-and have watched it come basically correct. The men’s gay community has a propensity NOT to grow up. The more you stay around most of it, not just in the ghettoes, the more you become a parody of a grown man. And other men will sense it.
Uppity
@Fidelio: Agreed. By middle age, most gay men aren’t going to try to be in a relationship for the sake of it. They may be criticised for their high standards, but many would say, if I can’t have what I want then I’ll be on my own. This is not how it is for middle-aged single straight men, who tend to partner up as quickly as they can. Fortunately it seems there’s less expectation on older gay men to be in relationships, so we don’t have the same pressure on us that heterosexuals do.
maxdadmark
I think this article hit some a bit too close to home. (See squealing and whining above, LOL.)
bottom72
A man knows how to wine, dine and romance you.
retaliashun
@lauraspencer: Avg life expectancy for men world wide is 66 years old. so 35 would be middle aged.
Stache99
@retaliashun: Yeah, sure if you add in Africa and other third world countries where people still starve to death. I’d add in an extra 10 years though.
Arconcyyon
Rebel Heartt´s Single ! diferrence is Mem ans Boys dontt´s no no is clossy ! Mem very the pratic sex active is more last passive is and Boy like the pratic sex oral orgasm seduttion dellicion faciil ! Mem the olld is and 30is40 age ! Boys is new 20is30 age ! all like very like pratic drinks fastffood revi music eletronic inglêns sport footebaal crimes is game policy tele daily daily is live and tve mundi vídeo youtube ! oky ! I´m is like like love pratic the sex oral anal the MEM AND BOYS big big dote cm cm donkey donkey is naturaly be be earth-born MEM BOY Biblionarrys familly traddicionly heracyon herdeirion´s.
Thanks .
Linda Hopp-Hill
See this is what I mean, this should NOT be where young ones can see it. It’s not necessary, two men in a cuddling position, this isn’t, what we should be seeing, anyone over 12 can figure this out, why must you put it on Facebook, if I want to see this, I’ll rent a video.
Alan Winters
Yes
Antony Nguyen
Ok since all i get are boys, when their attention span beyond stress relief is other then himself your with a man baby
Billy Sims
I wouldnt like anyone too young I want a man with experiance and staying power just rnt many out there 😐
Casey Felicity Bryan
So much yes