The Epic Fail of Larry Craig

You have to wonder what Larry Craig is thinking to himself today, as the world writes his political obituary. His legal options for overturning his guilty plea extinguished, he returns to private life this month with a legacy flushed down the toilet in a bathroom stall at the Minneapolis St. Paul Airport. We’d pity Senator Craig, who was the target of a police sting specifically designed to catch gay men, were it not for his toe-tapping hypocritical ways. He supported the Federal Marriage Amendment, which would outlaw gay marriage. He voted against ENDA. He voted against the Local Law Hate Crimes Prevention Act.

In the end, he was the victim of his own intolerance and to this day, maintains he’s not gay. Well, Larry– if it’s any consolation, we don’t want any part of you, either. But before we say goodbye to you forever, let’s take one last trip down memory lane.

August 27, 2007: News breaks that Larry Craig was arrested in Minnesota for “lewd conduct” but pleaded down to a lesser charge.

“Here’s a bit of the arresting officer’s side:

I could see Craig look through the crack in the door from his position. Craig would look down at his hands, ‘fidget’ with his fingers, and then look through the crack into my stall again. Craig would repeat this cycle for about two minutes.
“My experience has shown that individuals engaging in lewd conduct use their bags to block the view from the front of their stall. From my seated position, I could observe the shoes and ankles of Craig seated to the left of me.
At 1216 hours, Craig tapped his right foot. I recognized this as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct. Craig tapped his toes several times and moves his foot closer to my foot. I moved my foot up and down slowly. While this was occurring, the male in the stall to my right was still present. I could hear several unknown persons in the restroom that appeared to use the restroom for its intended use. The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot which was within my stall area…

The officer then flashed his badge and Craig – who, again, denied Mike Rogers’ gay allegations last October – attempted to resist, but eventually went peacefully. He got fingerprinted and fined. And then, again, he pleaded guilty on August 8th. That is, he admitted it.

Craig also attempted to explain the game of footsie by saying he “that he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom and that his foot may have touched mine”. Shit, even Bob Allen’s racism’s more believable than that.

We have to say, however, we’re a bit disappointed. The mental picture would have been gross, but wouldn’t it have been rad if Craig got caught getting fisted or something actually lewd?”

September 1: A few days later, amid calls from his Republican colleagues to step down, Craig resigned from his Senate seat.

“In his statement, Craig preferred not to highlight his Republican colleague’s calls for his head. Instead, the 62-year old anti-gay politico placed blame on his legal battle to clear his lewd name:

…To pursue my legal options as I continue to serve Idaho would be an unwanted and unfair distraction from my job and for my Senate colleagues.
It is with sadness and deep regret that I announce that it is my intent to resign from the Senate, effective September 30. In doing so, I hope to allow for a smooth and orderly transition for my loyal staff, and for the person appointed to take my place…”

September 5th:
“Just kidding,” says Craig, who took Arlen Specter’s advice and decided to not resign, because he’s not gay, ok?

“The toilet cruiser’s spokesman released the following statement:

Sen. Craig still intends to resign. That being said, Sen. Craig wants it clear he’s fighting these charges, both in Minneapolis and in the Senate Ethics Committee, and if the wheels of justice are able to turn quick enough, meaning before Sept. 30, he may – and I emphasize may – not resign.”

Pretty much every Republican in Washington abandons Craig after his resignation turnaround.

“The White House won’t be backing Larry Craig’s resignation turn-around. Said spokeswoman Dina Perino: “I don’t think that our views have changed but, of course, this is the Senator’s decision and the Senator’s seat.”

And Craig continued to support anti-gay legislation

“Not two weeks after pleading guilty to lewd conduct, Republican Senator Larry Craig defended Don’t Ask Don’t Tell: the discriminatory policy barring gays from serving in the military. In an August 17th letter obtained by PageOneQ, Craig write to a voter:

I am glad you shared your suggestions with me. As you know, the Department of Defense’s policy on this issue is commonly referred to as a “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” policy and would not allow for singling out homosexuals. In addition, I don’t believe the military should be a place for social experimentation. The sole mission of the armed forces is to defend the United States.

…The issue is not fairness, but military effectiveness. The armed forces exist to wage war. It is unacceptable to risk the lives of American soldiers and sailors merely to accommodate the sexual lifestyles of certain individuals.”

September 17:
The ACLU, however, came out in support of the disgraced senator, saying he may have been “unconstitutionally trapped”.

“ACLU argues that Minneapolis police – and others across the nation – do not take significant steps to ensure targets are actually soliciting sex. Carnal invitations, they say, are protected by free speech laws and coppers must be 100% clear people are, in fact, paying for sex, rather than trolling for free.”

Soon, Larry Craig’s alleged former lovers were coming out of the woodwork:

A 40-yer-old D.C. insider.
Ted Haggard escort Mike Jones, who in all fairness, is probably lying.
A grizzly bear.

October 4: Then, Craig started his insanely ridiculous attempt to have his guilty plea dropped, a move which had people laughing him out of the courtroom.

“Hennepin County District Judge Charles Porter found Craig had entered the guilty plea “accurately, voluntarily and intelligently” and it was too late to withdraw his admission.

In a sharply worded, 27-page order, the judge found the Idaho Republican had freely given his plea after extensive discussions with prosecutors and after waiving his right to an attorney.

“The defendant, a career politician with a college education, is of at least above-average intelligence,” Porter wrote. “He knew what he was saying, reading and signing.”

Oct. 10:
‘Wide stance’ became a national punchline.

And then Craig brought out his sad, old wife with him in an interview with Matt Lauer, which was filled with lies and heartbreaking to watch.

“Craig ended the interview by insisting – as we already know – he’ll go ahead and appeal his case. “On the grounds that we don’t get a fair shot. That I want a right to defend myself in a court of law.” You didn’t get a fair shot? That’s not exactly the best grounds for appeal we’ve heard, but if you think it’s going to help what you call the “toughest fight” of your political life.

If you ask us, it’s the fight of his political death and last night’s interview probably didn’t help his case. In fact, it made him look more sleazy and suspect than ever!”

October 19: People paid people to throw toilet paper at Larry.

March 11, 2008: Larry Craig fails in court again.

“It’s official! Larry Craig’s the most pathetic disgraced politico in human history.

According to the AP, the toilet trolling Senator’s legal team are again asking a judge to let him withdraw his disorderly conduct guilty plea.

Attorneys for U.S. Senator Larry Craig are asking the Minnesota Court of Appeals to correct a “manifest injustice” by allowing the Idaho Republican to withdraw his guilty plea stemming from an airport restroom sex sting.
Defense attorneys argued that even though Craig may have pleaded guilty to avoid publicity and face a more serious charge, that doesn’t change the fact that the plea is inaccurate.

The Court of Appeals had not yet set a time for oral arguments.”

April 25:
He spends over $400,000 trying to prove he doesn’t like to have sex with men.

January 9, 2008: Sad old Larry Craig has given up and he might not have had to if he just came out.

*Cord Jefferson & Andrew Belonsky contributed to the reporting of this article.