The Gay Man Who Wants to Marry a Woman (So He Can Sleep With More Guys)

Sometimes gay men want to marry women for immigration purposes. Sometimes gay men want to marry women to please their overbearing parents. And some gay men want to marry women so it’s either for them to get laid by other dudes.

This Craigslist post has all the markings of a parody, but it’s entertaining none the less.

Wife needed for sham marriage – 28 (West Hollywood)
Helloooooo ladies (I’ve always wanted to say that!)

I am a fairly successful, attractive gay man in his late twenties looking to find a woman to date and ultimately marry. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Why would a gay man want to marry a woman?” Well, plenty of reasons actually, you lucky bitches, but none of the usual ones apply here. You see, in the gay community, being straight or “bi” is more attractive to other men than being gay. It’s the old “want what you can’t have” syndrome, kind of like how you girls always want the guy that treats you like shit and doesn’t call you for weeks. Well, we’ve all got our “thing”, but we learn to live with it.

So this is me living with it! We would begin a relationship that would probably be like most others you’ve had in the past: start the courtship process, pick things up gradually until we move in together, tie the knot, and have kids (optional at this point, though we can go into that later). And yes, we will have sex (for that fresh pussy scent before I head out with the bois), probably sporadically though cuz I don’t want to turn straight again, lol! I work out daily (sometimes twice daily), go tanning frequently, and wax all of my body hair (except for my initials above my junk), so my body is AMAZING!

“But what’s in it for me?” you ask (seriously, you women are almost as self-focused as us!). Well, first you get to appear to have this perfect, stable, hetero relationship to the outside world (attn: closet lezzies!). We could live in my mid-century modern, recently rehabbed show home (you’ll love it, seriously!). We would throw fabulous dinner parties and go to cute restaurants and on shopping trips! I’ve got a great health plan at work, which as my wife (!) you would get as well. Also great for you international ladies: instant citizenship!

But it’s not all rainbows (get it, gay?) and sunshine, there’s a few caveats. I will from time to time need the place to myself for Craigslist/Manhunt/Grindr/Dudesnude/Adam4adam/ hookups to come over, sometimes late into the night (sorry in advance for waking you!). It would be great if you went to stay with your sister periodically so that I could honestly say “the wife’s visiting her sister for the weekend, gangbang at 9am”, I hate all of the lies (well, most lies, haha). Also, I will probably need you to pick me up when I can’t drive; I really can’t get another DUI.

Anyway, if this sounds like something you might be looking for, send me an email with your name, details, picture, and favorite Lady Gaga look (mine is tranny robot!). Thanks for reading, I can’t wait to pound box (did I say that right?).