get milked

The Japanese Have Thought of Everything: an Automatic Sperm Collecting Machine

We don’t have a lot of context for this, but perhaps context simply isn’t necessary. It is a machine that does pretty much what the name “Sperm Collector” suggests: it collects sperm, and does it with aplomb.

According to the internets, the infernal contraption debuted at the Shanghai Medical Convention — no word on whether it was tested by any attendees, or whether it was protested by the many humans whom it will put out of a job.

Kidding aside, perhaps it might be useful for disabled people? If your mobility is impaired, it might be nice to have a robot friend to address your carnal needs. Of course, the mechanical back-and-forth might get a little numbing after a while. The human body is more than a mere piston and crank shaft, after all. (Though not much more.)

By the way, Japanese inventors, don’t think you’re so special. We have a 24-hour sperm collector just down the street from us, too. His name is Tom and he’s always happy to see you.

UPDATE: Commenter Nick informs us that the Japanese have not, in fact, thought of everything, despite what everyone says.